To want to go on this holiday

[Carrionn]

There's somewhere I really, really want to take my DD with DH, I have lovely memories of going and want to do it before she starts school next year. It happens that it's quite expensive and going with multiple children and during school holidays is extortionate.

My sister, my child's auntie has said she'd come with us and just me, my sister and my DD outside of school hols, it would be affordable.

My husband has never ever made any noises about wanting to go here, in fact he's said before he thinks it's a bit of a waste of money which is why I always assumed if and when I could go, I'd go with a friend or family or even by myself with DD.

I mentioned to DH me and sis might look at booking it soon and he's now annoyed because he thinks it would be really unfair for DD to go but not his older children, DSS8 and DSD10.

It's not affordable for us to go all together in school hols (well into the thousands) and I'll miss the chance to go with DD once she starts school next year.

AIBU to think he's unreasonable to say we shouldn't go if he and older kids can't?

We have separate finances so I'd be paying the cost out of my own money so I don't see how he could demand I don't go but he's made me feel unreasonable for saying sorry he feels that way but I still want to go.

Just go with your sister Op and don't agonise any further over it.

You're paying with your own money & it's not somewhere he wants to go.

FWIW, Lapland is the best holiday we've ever gone on with our DCs - very expensive but absolutely worth it, once in a lifetime experience (so I might me a bit biased).

He can still have his summer holiday with all his children (& he can pay to have you there if he wants to).

Definitely go with your sister!

I think if it meant you could all still go a summer holiday then go for it but the fact you need to miss a summer holiday for only half the family to go away to Lapland then it’s a bit unfair.

surely a family holiday should be all of you and not just some of the children.

if the situation was reversed how happy would you be if your dh only wanted to take one child and not the others?

Seems perfectly reasonable to me. But then I've just been sitting at the table with dh and dd while they discuss a trip they want to make without me. Why should I object? Why should we all have to holiday together all of the time? I'll be taking another of our dc away, just the two of us, at a different opportunity. We do this with all our dc, taking them away in ones or twos to do activities that one parent enjoys but the other is not interested in. Because we do this, some years we only manage a camping trip as a whole family holiday.

Is there some rule that blended families must do everything together?

Oh and it's also because this means I can't afford to go on our usual summer holiday with stepkids like we usually do every year.
I was with you until you posted this. I would hazard a guess this is the main reason your DP isn’t happy.

It's not affordable for 5 of us to go in addition to a summer holiday that he wants to go on.

Sounds like he can still go wth the DSC. Everyone gets a holiday.

Seems fine to me.

Just go with your dc. If DH wants to come and wants his kids to come then he can pay. You want to take your child somewhere and are paying . It’s a once in a lifetime trip and your dd will love it. I’d have that over a summer holiday anyday.

That wouldn't be the reverse of our situation though because all 3 children are his and only 1 is mine. So yes if he wanted to take only SC away and not ours I'd think that unfair, but I don't think it's directly comparable to me just taking DD away.

And he still can go on a summer holiday. I've prioritised holidaying in the summer holidays with SC for years, it's just one year I want to do something I'd prefer to do and he can still go in summer.

He can still have his summer holiday with all his children (& he can pay to have you there if he wants to)

I've said this to him, there's nothing stopping him going on a summer holiday with the DC. If he REALLY wants me to go I guess he could pay the extra but I'm not fussed about staying home and just going to Lapland this year with my sister.

Would you think it’s okay if next year your DP took your DD away without you, and then said there would be no whole family holiday as he’d spent his money on that?
Or OK that your DP misses out on seeing your DD’s joy at being in Lapland? Is it possibly that there would be no money for any other break with his other children if he did go, and doesn’t want to send a message to them that he’s prioritising his new family over them? Can he still take your DD away with her siblings in the summer, so he still gets a holiday with all his children?

People will say it’s okay to go, but in the circumstances, I think it’s quite self centred tbh. Fine if you could do both, but you say you can’t afford this. You’re not just taking your own child away, you’re negatively impacting both your DP and DSC by compromising a family holiday.

It doesn’t sound like you (and maybe your DP too), are viewing your relationship as a partnership.

Perhaps next year your DP could take all his children on a special break and leave you behind?

But isn’t OP saying he can go on family holiday with all his dc OP won’t go as she can’t afford it. But if he wants her to go he can pay for her.

OP is not stopping the family holiday the DH can go on the family holiday with all the DC with or without OP depending on whether he wants to pay for OP to go along.
OP is not fussed about the family holiday.

I would say in this situation then he should take dcs away alone in the summer and you stay at home with your preschooler - because this way they can have the benefit of a holiday that’s not suitable for a younger dc, this could be fair for everyone to get a holiday that’s suited to their age. The summer after you do one joint family holiday for everyone.

@LimeCheesecake surely the older DC will also be going on holiday with their mum separately anyway.
So why should the DH’s youngest child miss out on holiday with dad?

But if he wants her to go he can pay for her. How very kind of the OP.
Presumably he can also go to Lapland too if he wants to choose to do that over a holiday with his other children? Like I said, not really much of a partnership.

I'm not saying or even asking that he pay for me. It was a suggestion if he desperately wants me to go away in summer. I'm absolutely fine about staying at home and him taking DC.

As I say, I've not done holidays I'd have preferred for years so I can go on holidays with his children in school holidays, it's just one year.

Perhaps next year your DP could take all his children on a special break and leave you behind?

He can if he wants. I'm the one who's suggested he go in the summer by himself with DC.

@Jennyfromthetoiletblock how does OP then ever get the holiday she wants with her child? Sounds like the DH doesn't actually want to go to Lapland with his children, and they are older anyway. He just wants her to do what she has always done, pay extra to go on a holiday she doesn't want as much.

Your solution is OP always and forever does what her DH wants and never what she wants. Is that right?

But you’ve still essentially made a decision for yourself. And turn making him take his own decisions consequential to that. You’re not making those key family decisions together. It’s not a partnership at all.

I think it’s absolutely fine to go without DSC if DH not going.

Honestly, i can’t see why it’s an issue.

My kids’ step mum took her little one to LEGOLAND over night in the summer - might have been a bit much if exh had gone too but just her on her own I can’t see a problem. Of course she’s free to do that and so are you.

This is how I see it. I've done the ridiculously expensive and crowded beach holidays in the school hols for years, even before we had our DC. Wouldn't exactly be my choice of a holiday but I've paid over the odds to go every year. This year I'd like to do what I want to do for a change!

But @Jennyfromthetoiletblock OP is not going without her children. She’s taking her dc with her.
her DH can pay for his older DC and for the girls for skipping school, but it sounds like he cannot afford for his older dc to go to Lapland, and also he’s not interested in the holiday itself.

the children are not missing out on time with their parents or on taking holidays, as both set of DC will be going on holiday with their mums and with their shared father.

Fines not girls

It's a difficult one and based on your setup OP I get where your coming from.

However, it makes me a little sad that setups like this exist. Surely when you're in a commited relationship with someone who has other kids then you're all one family unit? No his kids and yours, just your family consisting of all of them?

This is how our household works and I assumed was how most people thought but this thread suggests otherwise which I think is a little sad in the big picture societal kind of way.

Why wouldn't they all go together in the summer?

I'm sure the step kids go away with their mother. No reason the OP and joint child should miss out on a summer holiday.

For me I see it as I don't want my child to miss out on experiences I'd like them to have and could otherwise afford if I weren't also trying to pay for two other children who do plenty of stuff my child doesn't with their own mother if that makes sense?