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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Difficult family situation - need some outside perspective

72 replies

Hanya · 02/01/2023 16:33

I’m currently in a difficult situation with my parents and I really need some outside perspective!

I’m from outside the UK and my whole family still leaves in my birth country. I’ve been now living in the UK for over a decade, I have a 5 year old daughter and I’m married to an English man.

My parents come to visit us twice a year staying at my house in London, while I visit my parents normally once a year and stay at their house and also visit other family around (which normally means I also stay at their houses).

My parents are very generous people with both money and their time and we normally have no problems. They are great people in general and have loads of friends, but sometimes they are taken advantage a bit by other people (which sometimes annoys them
and sometimes they don’t mind).

Anyway, my mother is coming to visit us and will bring her sister (let’s call her Zara) to stay at ours for 2 weeks. I’m really looking forward to that as I also love my auntie and it’s going to be her first time in the UK.

My Mom informed a few days ago that my auntie’s sister in law (let’s call her Linda) once heard about my Mother’s and Zara’s exciting trip plans invited herself to come to the trip with them, which means she will also stay at my house for 2 weeks.

I have a 5 bedroom house in London, so could potentially host all the 3 of them, but I don’t want to as I never met Linda before, she is a complete stranger to me and 2 weeks is a hell of a lot of time to stay at someone’s house when you are not family.

That didn’t go down well with my parents, who feel that I’m being unreasonable as apparently Linda is a lovely person and it’s her dream to visit the UK.

I’ve already said no to my mother in 2 different occasions, but she doesn’t want to accept it. She suggested that they shorten their stay at my house, as 2 weeks might be too long, but I don’t want that, as I would love to have my mother and Zara with us for those 2 weeks (I want to treat them with lovely food and show them London properly as much as I can as my auntie always treats me so well when she hosts me and my family in her house).

I have nothing against Linda, she seems to be a nice person, but I’ve never met her and it feels extremely cheeky of her to invite herself to this trip, when she knows my mother and Zara will be staying at someone’s house (not a hotel). My Mother might be struggling to say no to her as she has helped my Mother with some medical procedures in the past (although my Mother was her client and paid for it all - although not sure if it was under mate’s rates).

I also work full-time, don’t have a cleaner and have a young child to take care. I haven’t mentioned about this conflict to my husband yet, as I feel he will be annoyed by it.

My parents are shocked that I don’t want to host Linda and I’m starting to wonder if I’m being unreasonable here. AIBU?

OP posts:
Petronus · 02/01/2023 16:36

You’re not being unreasonable. Your mum is just embarrassed that she has to say no. Stick to your guns and make it very clear that Linda is not invited.

Whowhatwherewhenwhynow · 02/01/2023 16:37

YANBU to say no. I think you’ve been very assertive to tell your mum no and not bow to her pressure.

If your mum has been struggling to tell Linda, that’s a shame, but sadly that is her issue to deal with.

Do you have any cheap air B and Bs locally Linda could book into, so she doesn’t have to stay at yours?

Herbie0987 · 02/01/2023 16:39

It is your house and you were happy to welcome your family for a visit not a stranger. I think your mother is being rude and not respectful of your views. Can you husband speak to your mother about the situation on your behalf.

DelphiniumBlue · 02/01/2023 16:42

Your Mum probably doesn't know how to say no. Help her out by sending a response that she can copy to Linda.

Whowhatwherewhenwhynow · 02/01/2023 16:44

DelphiniumBlue · 02/01/2023 16:42

Your Mum probably doesn't know how to say no. Help her out by sending a response that she can copy to Linda.

This is a good idea. Or let her blame you for Linda not being allowed to stay?

HauntedAbbey · 02/01/2023 16:45

I think your mum is being completely unreasonable! She is NOT the host and NOT the homeowner in this situation.

What should have happened when Linda invited herself along is your mother should have explained, "Sorry we can't impose an extra guest on my daughter who is very kindly hosting us and has a young child to take care of". If Linda pressed further she should have been firmly put in her place.

The very fact that your mum thinks it's okay to impose this on you is frankly outrageous!

HomeAGnome · 02/01/2023 16:47

Your mother has created this by not saying she check first
I'd stick to my guns on this
It's not her who's hosting and being generous with her time and money, she's just presented you with more work

TheShellBeach · 02/01/2023 16:51

You could tell your mum to tell Linda that actually, you and your DH have just got a live-in nanny who will need the last available bedroom.

There will therefore be no room for Linda and your mum will just have to tell a lie. After all, it's your mum's fault this has happened.

Funnywonder · 02/01/2023 16:52

YANBU. Not at all. I can't help but wonder what on earth made your mum think it would be ok to foist another guest on you. Is she perhaps the sort of person who would be ok with similar happening to her?

EVHead · 02/01/2023 16:55

Stick to your guns! Hosting a stranger is way more to ask of you than hosting family members.

StaunchMomma · 02/01/2023 16:56

I think you know YANBU.

What you need to get across to your parents is that yes, it's sometimes difficult to say no to a person, especially if they have taken you by surprise, BUT their primary concern should be YOU and, if you are going to find this addition to the trip uncomfortable, difficult or if it adds to your already large workload, then they should understand that it is just not fair!

Having a large house is lovely, but it needs cleaning! Having the space for guests is great, but it requires lots of timely preparation! Having a little one is, obviously, time consuming, plus you have your job to consider - It's just all TOO MUCH!

Stick up for yourself, OP. If they do have eg cleaners/general help and your Mother has not worked as well as being a Mum, she may not understand just how hard it is to juggle all of those roles.

QualityStreetGreen · 02/01/2023 17:01

YANBU!

Your DM should have asked you first rather than assuming you would be fine about it.

A stranger (to you) will totally change the dynamics of the 2 week stay.

I don’t know how you deal with this going forward. Hopefully it will be sorted so that no one takes offence.

kingtamponthefurred · 02/01/2023 17:01

Linda sounds a bit cheeky. Who accepts an invitation to stay with someone they have never met when the invitation is not coming directly from that person? Tell your mother it's strictly family only and you are not running a hotel. The worst that can happen is that she might have to find another aromatherapist or whatever it is that Linda does.

Original poster
Hanya · 02/01/2023 17:15

Yes, my parents wouldn’t mind at all if that happened to them hence the difficulty for them to understand why I don’t want it. I also feel their gratitude to my auntie Zara and her husband (who is Linda’s brother) is blinding their judgment here, as they are currently being hosted at their house for a few weeks now to celebrate the holiday season (which they were invited to - they didn’t invite themselves). I wouldn’t mind hosting Zara, her husband and my Mother, but don’t want to deal with someone I don’t know.

OP posts:
Ellie1015 · 02/01/2023 17:17

Your mum is not willing to uninvite Linda, she either really wants her to come or doesn't mind her coming as much as the awkwardness of now saying no.

You have to accept different visit or host Linda too. I would absolutely not want to host a stanger either but would compromise on a shorter visit at your house and a hotel for part of their stay. Maybe long weekend at my house then 10 days at hotel. It is not ideal and i would hope next time mum would know my feelings and avoid this situation happening again.

helpfulperson · 02/01/2023 17:18

I agree you are within your rights not to host Linda but how would you feel if your mum decides to get an Airbnb or hotel with Linda which would be a reasonable solution from her side.

Original poster
Hanya · 02/01/2023 17:20

Thank you! You nailed the situation as my mother worked for very little time in her life (no judgment here as she was a wonderful mother when I was growing up and is now a fantastic grandmother) and always had a cleaner to help with the house (in the past a full-time one, nowadays only once a week for a whole day - but she still has paid help cleaning the house). My auntie Zara works part-time and have a full-time cleaner and cooker in her house so it might be difficult for them to understand how my reality here in the UK is not the same as theirs.

OP posts:
EddietheEagle · 02/01/2023 17:21

Definitely not being unreasonable. You don't even know this Linda. I would feel really uncomfortable if someone I had never met invited themselves to my home. You're not running a bed and breakfast!

Sounds like your mum doesn't know how to say no.

LovingTheAbbreviations · 02/01/2023 17:23

I wouldn’t mind hosting an unknown person who was a friend of my mum’s but I know other people are totally different so I think your mum really should respect your opinions and needs on this. I’m sure she has told Linda it is fine and feels embarrassed that she would have to now explain this. But if I was Linda (the nice person your mum claims her to be) I would also totally understand. Can you bypass your mum and give Linda a friendly call to explain that you’d love to meet her but a stranger in your house for 2 weeks is too much so you really recommend this air bnb nearby? Hope it goes well for you, my sister would feel the same as you so I do understand the imposition of an unknown person. I love having a houseful though! The more the merrier! I’d get them all doing the cooking and cleaning and looking after my kid ha ha ha! Good luck OP and hope you have a lovely time with them all. X

Mumtofourandnomore · 02/01/2023 17:25

Maybe it would help if spoke to Linda directly and politely tell her that it’s not possible for her to visit this time and that you were looking forward to spending quality time with your mum and Zara. Perhaps there might be an opportunity for a shorter stay in the future (maybe….)

You will find it easier to say no to a stranger and your mum might be appreciative - she’s probably feeling awkward too (even though she shouldn’t have told her it was possible in the first place).

Willmafrockfit · 02/01/2023 17:25

i am sure you can suggest she comes for a week not two?

Original poster
Hanya · 02/01/2023 17:28

It would upset me a lot, as I would love to host my auntie and my Mother so I can cook them food, take them to places, etc. Also my daughter loves to spend time with my Mother, who she only sees 3 times a year, so she would miss the opportunity to sleep in the same room as her, play in the morning, etc. But you are right it feels like my Mother is willing to sacrifice her time with me and her only grandchild so she can please Linda.

OP posts:
Delatron · 02/01/2023 17:28

Linda has basically invited herself to your house for 2 weeks and you’ve never even met her. Who does that?

crosstalk · 02/01/2023 17:29

I would just suck it up. You have enough space. I would just make sure they know you work full time and - while having some time for them - you would hope for some help and make sure they have enough to do during the day that means they are not always in your space and that they can help out. Just let them know in advance.

LunaRegis · 02/01/2023 17:29

Why don’t you ask your mother for Linda’s email or mobile & tell her yourself. If you make excuses now this cheeky woman will invite herself another time. Don’t suggest a hotel either, as she’ll probably try & worm her way into your home & you’ll end up stuck with her. I know you shouldn’t have to do this & your mother won’t like it, but it’s another option.