Difficult family situation - need some outside perspective

[Hanya]

I’m currently in a difficult situation with my parents and I really need some outside perspective!

I’m from outside the UK and my whole family still leaves in my birth country. I’ve been now living in the UK for over a decade, I have a 5 year old daughter and I’m married to an English man.

My parents come to visit us twice a year staying at my house in London, while I visit my parents normally once a year and stay at their house and also visit other family around (which normally means I also stay at their houses).

My parents are very generous people with both money and their time and we normally have no problems. They are great people in general and have loads of friends, but sometimes they are taken advantage a bit by other people (which sometimes annoys them
and sometimes they don’t mind).

Anyway, my mother is coming to visit us and will bring her sister (let’s call her Zara) to stay at ours for 2 weeks. I’m really looking forward to that as I also love my auntie and it’s going to be her first time in the UK.

My Mom informed a few days ago that my auntie’s sister in law (let’s call her Linda) once heard about my Mother’s and Zara’s exciting trip plans invited herself to come to the trip with them, which means she will also stay at my house for 2 weeks.

I have a 5 bedroom house in London, so could potentially host all the 3 of them, but I don’t want to as I never met Linda before, she is a complete stranger to me and 2 weeks is a hell of a lot of time to stay at someone’s house when you are not family.

That didn’t go down well with my parents, who feel that I’m being unreasonable as apparently Linda is a lovely person and it’s her dream to visit the UK.

I’ve already said no to my mother in 2 different occasions, but she doesn’t want to accept it. She suggested that they shorten their stay at my house, as 2 weeks might be too long, but I don’t want that, as I would love to have my mother and Zara with us for those 2 weeks (I want to treat them with lovely food and show them London properly as much as I can as my auntie always treats me so well when she hosts me and my family in her house).

I have nothing against Linda, she seems to be a nice person, but I’ve never met her and it feels extremely cheeky of her to invite herself to this trip, when she knows my mother and Zara will be staying at someone’s house (not a hotel). My Mother might be struggling to say no to her as she has helped my Mother with some medical procedures in the past (although my Mother was her client and paid for it all - although not sure if it was under mate’s rates).

I also work full-time, don’t have a cleaner and have a young child to take care. I haven’t mentioned about this conflict to my husband yet, as I feel he will be annoyed by it.

My parents are shocked that I don’t want to host Linda and I’m starting to wonder if I’m being unreasonable here. AIBU?

@DelphiniumBlue does Linda definitely know that your mum and Zara will be staying at your house rather than in a hotel? If so, she's being very cheeky, you don't invite yourself to stay with someone you don't know unless the invite has come directly from them. I don't think you need to be especially polite in your email. I'd say something like:

Dear Linda,
I understand from my mother that you are expecting to accompany her and Zara when they come to London in x. I'm really sorry but I'm afraid we are unable to put you up in our home at that time.

Should you happen to find yourself in London on another occasion, it would be lovely to meet up for dinner, or some sight-seeing.

Best wishes,
Blue

But she’s not really an unknown person is she? She’s your Uncles sister that you haven’t met? So your Auntie’s SIL?

I think you may be causing grave offence and trouble for your mum and aunt (or you would in my culture)

When you go to visit your parents you may find a frosty welcome in your aunts house because of your lack of hospitality.

Let them and Linda know you work, there is no staff, no cleaners, no laundress, no nanny, no cook and tell them everyone will need to shop, cook and help with the baby.

But don’t make your circle smaller, your child will only be little for a short time and long holidays away from London with family are wonderful 😉

Maybe they'll understand if they realise you are cleaning, cooking, Mumming, working, wifeing - all at once!!

Tell them how different things are here and they might just understand why the thought of adding a stranger into the mix of all that might just take the excitement off your excitement to have them with you and push you into panic!

You sound like a lovely daughter, OP. They just don't get it!

I've got to agree with PolishedShell- in my culture Linda would be seen as family, as an older woman who deserves respect, and I would have to put her up whilst quietly sulking about it! She will probably love and spoil your daughter as much as the other two. Just make sure they all help out and pay for stuff, and let them take your daughter out so you get a break.

As some PP have said I think you should speak to Linda directly and let her know that,
unfortunately, in this instance it doesn’t suit for her to stay at yours.

I would probably not go into the whys or why nots, just stick to the vague “not possible on this occasion, you are regretful, but unfortunately that’s how it is”

I think one more practically family member in this situation is no biggie to be honest and if it were me I would just suck it up.

But it's debatable whether that is any longer OP's culture. Maybe historically, but she has been living in the UK for over 10 years, is married to an Englishman, and has a daughter who has only ever lived in the UK. An aunt's sister-in-law who you have never met would not be considered a close contact in the UK, and nor would an older woman deserve respect merely on account of her age. OP is not obliged to observe the mores of a country she chose to leave more than a decade earlier.

It's difficult because it's a fundamental difference in outlook - to your mother it is all family but to you it is an individual, a stranger and someone you have never met, which is like an intrusion into the tight little family gathering you envisage for a happy reunion.

You just have to be firm and tell your mother to tell her it's not possible on this occasion as you are fully stretched but you envisage being able to arrange something for aunt's husband's sister in the future - for which you can discuss arrangements when you meet her on one of your visits to your parents' home. Tell mother that if she cannot agree to defer the in-law's visit, you will reluctantly have to postpone this upcoming visit of mother and aunt.

What a weird thing to do, to invite yourself to someone’s house! For 2 weeks?! I think I’d put it to your mum that she’d rather upset you than Linda. It’s exactly the kind of thing my dm would do, then get arsey with me when I get annoyed. You can’t win, but I think you should keep telling her no.

I'm guessing that maybe there are some cultural differences at play here, as well as your mother's sense of obligation to Linda. However, I totally get your reluctance to host a non-family member who you have never met. It would totally change the dynamics of the visit, because your Mum would likely be distracted by the extra guest and you would not be able to focus on family time as you would with just your Mum and Auntie (quite apart from the additional work and hassle of an extra guest).
Linda has been very presumptuous by inviting herself along on your family's trip, and your Mum is struggling now, because of her feelings of obligation. Would your Auntie be able to help here? Would she understand your feelings and be able to speak to your Mum and maybe help her manage to Linda out of coming?

If I had the room to host and the money to feed an extra person - as apparently you do - I would agree this once making it very clear to my parents and other family members to not ever invite strangers to my house ever again.

Life is too short and it seems like you have a lovely family and is privileged to be able to spend lots of quality time with them - enjoy. If your husband agrees of course.

2 weeks is nothing in the bigger picture

We never know what is around the corner

Totally agree with above post. This is not worth the drama, although I get that it's really not ideal. I think they'll have got the message never to do it again though.

Your gaff, your rules. Get Linda’s contact and politely but firmly tell her that this visit has been planned for a while for the 3 of you so an extra visitor is neither desirable or doable. You have made preparations and have plans. End of.

I'm another one who would grudgingly suck it up. Two weeks is awfully long though, so I agree with a pp about suggesting they stay in a hotel for a short break - perhaps halfway through.

I'd suck it up this time, but make it clear that I wouldn't accept it again.

I really appreciate all the opinions I’m getting here, thank you for everyone that has spent their time replying to my dilemma. I also want to share a bit of extra information: in October last year I hosted for 2 days the daughter of one of my father’s friend. I never met her or her father before but my mother had promised her she could stay in my house for a few days, when I told my Mother no, she said she had already promised so I accepted it to avoid the conflict. In the end the girl came and stayed with us and she was very lovely and it was a positive experience. I did have a big argument with my mother about it and thought it wouldn’t happen again but here we are again!!!

Eek that's a tricky one. Totally totally get you, but I personally would just do it but that's because I'm a wimp haha

It was only a positive experience because you made it so. Its your home! And to welcome somebody in and make them feel comfortable, to prepare and clean up after, takes energy and effort. Especially around children and work.

You have already done that once, and have explained to her you wouldn't do it again, so you really really don't have to do it again!

But do explain to your Mum how this has all made you feel. It's really not on.

Yanbu

Your dm is

agree.
i have a feeling there will be huge upset if you don’t agree. I’d personally suck it up, consider it an extra pair of hands to help.
they’ve been generous to you, this sounds reasonable to me

I just hosted friends nephew (as an extra) who I didn’t know on our holiday… it made her so happy, one more didn’t make much of a difference

YANBU and I am absolutely gobsmacked that anyone thinks this is reasonable behaviour.

There is no way on God’s green earth I would even accept an invitation to stay with a stranger in another country let alone impose myself on one who didn’t want me.

Where do people like this get off?

You need to put your foot down OP btw. This is your mum’s problem not yours.

I think this is cultural. My culture is similar (elders anyhow). I think you will deeply offend your aunt (and embarass your mum) if you do not accept Linda graciously.

Just be frank with your mum that you need her to help host.

Mumsnet seems to be full of people that can't even put up their immediate family for a couple of days and i suspect many just can't appreciate the cultural pressures at play, particularly where you have gone overseas. In my family denying linda would be the equivalent of going NC. Growing up we frequently had very distant family staying for weeks at a time.

Its two way though - i did work experience on wall street via a very distant relative's son in law (all arranged by my mum in a 10
minute phone call) and travelled endlessly worldwide (bringing along a friend 😂) throughout my teens and twenties.

I couldn't give a shiney shite about culture and respect and keeping the peace. They don't care about what's acceptable, respectful and reasonable when they're inviting people you don't know to stay in your home, and changing the dynamic you were hoping for.

I would be absolutely clear that you have done it once and don't want to do it again.

It's your home and it's a long time to host someone you don't know.

They are welcome to come as planned but you don't want them bringing a stranger.

Honestly some people must be on another planet, the OP is not in the wrong here and she doesn't have to bow down to them on grounds of culture and respect.

Not everyone shares the same cultural views. Nobody is obligated to open up their home to someone they don't know.

I totally understand your situation. DH comes from a country where hospitality is very highly valued. On top of that, middle class women don’t tend to work FT and middle class families can afford and usually have a cleaner and/or house keeper. This not only makes it easier to have guests but it means that most men from his country have very little idea what hosting involves as they don’t have to do very much beyond being sociable and pouring drinks.

Despite the fact that I am very sociable and hospitable I have found it really really hard work to accommodate DHs family visitors over the years as they have no concept of what it involves if you work FT and have no domestic help and DH has no idea either. He thinks I am anti social and /or lazy.

My solution last year was to agree to a visit from the family (plus two extended family hangers on) but to make it really really clear with explanations and examples that it would not happen again unless we got a housekeeper. I allowed it last year because if you turn down an invitation which people think has already been agreed you get a reputation as difficult or moody.

For this Christmas everyone had nearly a years’ notice that a visit from extended family would only be possible if there was a LOT of extra help. So, DH and DCs did a lot of planning to make things work, and DH hired a cleaner to do a big clean up on January 5th (so excited about this!).

Hosting more than two members of close family for more than 3 days is hard work and never to be taken for granted. Anyone who thinks anything different has grown up as a man, a very wealthy woman or a door mat.