Difficult family situation - need some outside perspective

[Hanya]

I’m currently in a difficult situation with my parents and I really need some outside perspective!

I’m from outside the UK and my whole family still leaves in my birth country. I’ve been now living in the UK for over a decade, I have a 5 year old daughter and I’m married to an English man.

My parents come to visit us twice a year staying at my house in London, while I visit my parents normally once a year and stay at their house and also visit other family around (which normally means I also stay at their houses).

My parents are very generous people with both money and their time and we normally have no problems. They are great people in general and have loads of friends, but sometimes they are taken advantage a bit by other people (which sometimes annoys them
and sometimes they don’t mind).

Anyway, my mother is coming to visit us and will bring her sister (let’s call her Zara) to stay at ours for 2 weeks. I’m really looking forward to that as I also love my auntie and it’s going to be her first time in the UK.

My Mom informed a few days ago that my auntie’s sister in law (let’s call her Linda) once heard about my Mother’s and Zara’s exciting trip plans invited herself to come to the trip with them, which means she will also stay at my house for 2 weeks.

I have a 5 bedroom house in London, so could potentially host all the 3 of them, but I don’t want to as I never met Linda before, she is a complete stranger to me and 2 weeks is a hell of a lot of time to stay at someone’s house when you are not family.

That didn’t go down well with my parents, who feel that I’m being unreasonable as apparently Linda is a lovely person and it’s her dream to visit the UK.

I’ve already said no to my mother in 2 different occasions, but she doesn’t want to accept it. She suggested that they shorten their stay at my house, as 2 weeks might be too long, but I don’t want that, as I would love to have my mother and Zara with us for those 2 weeks (I want to treat them with lovely food and show them London properly as much as I can as my auntie always treats me so well when she hosts me and my family in her house).

I have nothing against Linda, she seems to be a nice person, but I’ve never met her and it feels extremely cheeky of her to invite herself to this trip, when she knows my mother and Zara will be staying at someone’s house (not a hotel). My Mother might be struggling to say no to her as she has helped my Mother with some medical procedures in the past (although my Mother was her client and paid for it all - although not sure if it was under mate’s rates).

I also work full-time, don’t have a cleaner and have a young child to take care. I haven’t mentioned about this conflict to my husband yet, as I feel he will be annoyed by it.

My parents are shocked that I don’t want to host Linda and I’m starting to wonder if I’m being unreasonable here. AIBU?

I suspect this isn’t Linda being as rude and pushy as some are suggesting but more your DM extending the offer and now embarrassed she has been asked to rescind it.

If your DM is currently staying at your auntie’s and Linda the SIL was visiting then you can imagine the conversation about their trip to London and Linda saying ooh I’ve never been but I’d love to go and DM and Auntie saying ‘oh you should come with Hanya won’t mind’…..now you have said no your DM is mortified to have to say she got it wrong. And I can see that- it will be hard for her to do without losing face.

I think I’d be kind with DM but firm if you really don’t want Linda there. Explain you can see DM was being kind but it would really change the whole vibe of their visit as far as you are concerned and you won’t be as relaxed with someone there you have never met even if she is ‘family’ of a kind. Tell mum you are happy for her to blame you or even make up an excuse like you are having some building work doing so only have one spare bedroom or DH is using the fifth bedroom as a home office so DM and auntie will already have to share (as if you say you have two spare rooms SIL might offer to bunk in with one of them!) so it won’t be possible this time but maybe in the future they can get an air bnb together and you will happily show SIL the sights.

Be honest with your mum that you really value the precious time you have with her and auntie and would really not want anything to take even a minute of that away.

Then gently let her know that in future she needs to stop offering your hospitality on your behalf as it’s not something you feel comfortable with.

I think it’s a mixture of cultural and family traditions. I guess you are from the country where things are done differently so you can’t just automatically apply MN experience to your family situation . However you should remember that you are in UK now and you are building your life here.Is your DH from the same cultural background? If not it might create problems between him and your parents in the future. Do you really need this extra hassle and work? Linda’s visit is not a necessity it’s her own fancy. Your Mum is being generous with invites to YOUR house, it’s very wrong. She did it twice already and will do again if you not put your foot down. This situation is a really good opportunity to put a stop to it.

My Mum used to do this a few times with my sister so when I got my own place she once said to my cousin that she could stay with us. It’s very very inconvenient as I just gave birth and there were problems and my cousin’s not close to me at all. So I called my Mum and said no, she was very upset and told me that she said yes already. I said that it’s not my problem and I won’t open the door. Then I put phone down. I really meant it. It’s the first and the last time my mum did something like this.

So will OP get an invite from Linda in the near future

Imo it's a cheek

I kinda think, on this occasion, I’d let her stay. Your mum shouldn’t have invited her, but I can see how it would happen if she’s staying with her.

It might be in getting to know your auntie’s sil. Tell your mum not to do it again.

So basically op has to do whatever her mother offers to other people or she'll go NC with her? That sounds like a loving relationship! She values her husbands, brothers, sister in law or whatever Linda is over her own child?

Your DM has no darn business offering up your home as a free London hotel in order to fulfill HER social obligations.
I write as one who lived by the sea in Cornwall for nearly 20 years and was taken advantage of right left & centre in terms of free accommodation, food, itinerary planning etc. If it's any consolation you'll be nowhere near as "popular" if/when you move to a far less touristy area!

YABU.

You have a 5 bed house, and are already hosting 2 people, so a 3rd isn't going to make you change your plans or end up with someone on your sofa.

Either (as per one post) you are working full time - so it won't make that much difference as you will be out all day, or, (as per another post) you are going to be showing them round the sites of London, in which case I can't see how it makes any difference if there is a 3rd person with the two you are already showing round.

Nor is she a complete random person off the street. You've added later that she is your beloved Aunty's SiL.

I mean, personally, I think 3 weeks is a long time to host any guests. All my friends who had grandchildren in a distant country tend to go and either stay in a nearby apartment / Air B'n'B / rented place, OR, go for a week then go off to see a bit of the Country for a week, then come back later for a few days before flying home. You see it in so many threads on here, about family overstaying their welcome, but if you are willing to host 2 people for that long, I can't see how a 3rd makes a difference.

@UsingChangeofName so because op has a 5 bed house, she's obliged to fill it with whoever asks to stay?

If you give in again, who wil, you be hosting next year?
You need to tell DM very firmly that this cannot be. She can give Linda a good excuse, such as workmen or something if she needs a get out card. But she cannot keep inviting people to your home.

This is your mum’s problem to sort out. She’s put herself in the awkward position. I would just keep re-establishing that you only invited mum and auntie and that you’re really looking forward to it. You have to be a bit stoic and ignore what isn’t within your control or responsibility, ie. Linda’s disappointment or your mums embarrassment.

It’s not right to invite people to stay in others’ homes without asking. I really can’t think of a situation where that’s a reasonable thing to do.

What if your mum and auntie just turn up as planned, and Linda is with them? What will you do then? Would your mum ignore you saying 'No'?

Because the third person changes the dynamic completely as the OP doesn't know them?

The OP isn't obliged to let anyone stay that she doesn't want to.

No, of course she isn't "obliged".
The OP asked for some outside perspective, and my perspective is that it wouldn't really make much difference.
You (and the vast majority of posters) are completely free to disagree, but this is an open forum and we don't all have to follow what the first 3 or 4 posters put as their perspective.

@parsniiips i haven't said the op has to share my cultural views. But i do think the op will cause great offence within her family. She may be fine with that and that is her perogative but i noticed that she is quite happy to go and stay with various relatives as well as her parents when she goes home.

From her parents perspective, she has cleary been brought up to offer and recieve great hospitalitity. She has enough room. She avails herself (presumably with her husband) of other family members hospitality. Obviously her mother should not have offered on her behalf but it looks like the ability to offer somethjng back to Linda is hugely important to the op's mother. I suspect op's mother is scratching her head wondering what she has done wrong as this politness is so ingrained.

It is not easy being of mixed culture though.

This is a bit of a cop out, but I would say that your husband doesn't want Linda to stay

Your mother is treating your house as an extension of her own.

It will change the whole trip. Want to treat your mum and aunt to a meal out? Now you have to pay for Linda too. Same with the theatre and any other trips out. The food/household costs of an extra guest probably aren't too high, but the other costs will quickly add up.

We have an adult niece who invites herself every time she hears about a family meal or day out coz she knows the host will end up paying for her. She never offers to cover her share. I suspect Linda will be the same, assuming it's all part of the family hospitality.

Presumably though its not just the hosting it would be the additional financial cost. As im assuming activities etc you would possibly treat them to would need to include her, a stranger.

Its quite bizarre to me that she would think its ok to stay with a total stranger for 2 wks.

How exactly is she the op's family? She is her Aunties sis in law. Not related to hwr at all. Her uncle is related to her through marriage to her aunt. So how is his sistee relatwd to her

Yes she stays at her relatives not someone elses!

This ! My exact first thought too. Mum and Aunty have been telling Linda about their trip, Linda has said how great it sounds and has always wanted to visit London, Mum has said come along ! Hanya is lovely, she wont mind, and now doesn't want to rescind the invite as she feels embarrassed.

Maybe it could be OK ? If Linda is close to your Mum and Aunty then hopefully her personality is similar and you could make a new friend. It could actually be fun ? (it is cheeky though)

OP I think that you need to have a heart to heart with your mother, and tell her that while this sort of thing maybe accepted behaviour in her home country, it is definitely NOT the norm in the country that you have decided to adopt and live in with your husband, who has HIS OWN culture, and that you MUST fit in with what HE wants. Therefore, she is abusing his hospitality by putting you in this situation, and you are simply not going to accept any risk of causing upset in your marriage, by agreeing to host someone that you've never even met. If she doesn't accept it then, well I personally would be inclined to withdraw the invitation, and make it clear that unless your husband is in accordance with plans for family or friends to visit, then it simply won't be happening. Perhaps that way, if she thinks she may be causing a rift in your marriage, she hopefully will think again.