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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think I’m being used?

55 replies

Charlie554 · 02/01/2023 13:09

Looking for MN wisdom advice. Background first. 30 years had a relationship with John. Serious but ended amicably. Both moved on and married. Reconnected about 10 years ago. I was by then divorced. Kept in touch via FB . He now lives in Canada. We have loads of common. Twelve months ago he separated. Moved out. Beginning December tells me he’s coming to visit brother who’s not well and what am I doing for NY. as it happened I am staying at sisters farm looking after her horses in Cumbria. She said it was ok for him to stay which he did. Left today to travel to family in Carlisle. We talked loads . Went out for dinner. Walks on the coast. Nothing from him to suggest he wants to be anything other than friends. But he messages me every day just about. Sometimes more than once a day. I did ask him why he wanted to spend NY with me. Said thought it would be nice to see me. We’re both 55. I just feel I’m being some sort of emotional support. And yes - I was hoping it might lead to us rekindling the relationship . AIBU to think he’s behaving a bit weird?

OP posts:
Original poster
Charlie554 · 02/01/2023 13:26

30 years ago we had a relationship- just to clarify

OP posts:
simplefree · 02/01/2023 13:33

he just wants friendship it seems

Original poster
Charlie554 · 02/01/2023 13:35

But to message me almost every day? I just find that odd. I don’t message my best friend every day!

OP posts:
mamabear715 · 02/01/2023 13:36

I wouldn't overthink it, tbh.. enjoy the friendship, keep busy, & just see where it goes!

caringcarer · 02/01/2023 13:39

Just enjoy the relationship and see how it pans out. A lot of friendships grow into love.

Original poster
Charlie554 · 02/01/2023 13:40

I guess . Probably read too much into it

OP posts:
WunWun · 02/01/2023 13:41

I does sound like he's maybe using you to fill a gap of emotional support when he doesn't actually want more with you. I don't know if that's using you exactly, but it does sound a bit intense for pure friendship.

The real issue is that whilst he is on your mind as he's messaging you everyday you may be subconsciously cutting yourself off from possibilities with other people, which will leave you getting hurt in the end.

I would lay it out, personally. Se what he says. I'm not sure its healthy to just go along with how things are atm for the reason I gave above.

WunWun · 02/01/2023 13:42

caringcarer · 02/01/2023 13:39

Just enjoy the relationship and see how it pans out. A lot of friendships grow into love.

I don't agree with this AT ALL and think it's a recipe for getting hurt.

Goodread1 · 02/01/2023 13:44

Hi Op
I think it's good that you have still managed to be good friends,despite breaking up from relationship years ago,
It's a bonus in life to have a good friend,

Maybe, something might develop from this, maybe something else,
Who knows what future may bring,

enjoy this friendship for what it is, really at moment, not hoping it could be something else,

There's plenty of fish 🐟 out in the 🌊 sea,
Just be selective, value yourself so when you are ready to go on dating scene , you are more likely to meet a good man,
That's it really
Happy New year...

Coffeellama · 02/01/2023 13:44

He lives in Canada… clearly rekindling the relationship wouldn’t work out anyway. Some people do message every day with friends, he might not be using you. But as you have feelings and this clearly can’t work out you are better off moving on.

Original poster
Charlie554 · 02/01/2023 13:46

WunWun · 02/01/2023 13:41

I does sound like he's maybe using you to fill a gap of emotional support when he doesn't actually want more with you. I don't know if that's using you exactly, but it does sound a bit intense for pure friendship.

The real issue is that whilst he is on your mind as he's messaging you everyday you may be subconsciously cutting yourself off from possibilities with other people, which will leave you getting hurt in the end.

I would lay it out, personally. Se what he says. I'm not sure its healthy to just go along with how things are atm for the reason I gave above.

Thank you for your considered response. So far today I’ve had two messages telling me he tidied his brothers garden, a video of the view from his aunts house and a selfie from where he’s taken his brother for a drive.

OP posts:
Worriere · 02/01/2023 13:46

I don't think being a friend to someone is being used.

It may feel that way to you because you're hoping for more, but he's just asking you to be a friend to him.

WunWun · 02/01/2023 13:50

Charlie554 · 02/01/2023 13:46

Thank you for your considered response. So far today I’ve had two messages telling me he tidied his brothers garden, a video of the view from his aunts house and a selfie from where he’s taken his brother for a drive.

Show quote history

This is really resonating with me and male "friend" who I was seeing for a while a year or so ago. These are the exact kind of messages I would get on a daily basis until recently. He's gone quiet this last month, which I'm very sure is because he's met someone.

Original poster
Charlie554 · 02/01/2023 13:50

And I have been a good friend. I’ve been there for him when his marriage broke down and offered support. I think he wants to reconcile with his wife. I haven’t said it but I think it’s unlikely. They are not even talking beyond practical issues. I always reply to messages etc

OP posts:
WunWun · 02/01/2023 13:52

Worriere · 02/01/2023 13:46

I don't think being a friend to someone is being used.

It may feel that way to you because you're hoping for more, but he's just asking you to be a friend to him.

What the OP is describing is too intense for a platonic relationship. This is something you have with a partner, sending videos, multiple messages a day about you day to day life. In the meantime the OP has feelings for him and so is being swept up along with it.

DDivaStar · 02/01/2023 13:53

He lives in Canada im not sure why you thought you'd restart your relationship.

Sounds like he regards you as a good friend, you don't seem interested in friendship. It would probably be best to tell him you don't want such regular contact.....

ComtesseDeSpair · 02/01/2023 13:54

Charlie554 · 02/01/2023 13:46

Thank you for your considered response. So far today I’ve had two messages telling me he tidied his brothers garden, a video of the view from his aunts house and a selfie from where he’s taken his brother for a drive.

Show quote history

These just sound like friendly messages. Are there other messages where he’s asking for “emotional support”, because these don’t give that impression at all. He doesn’t appear to be asking anything of you which would imply “using”.

Original poster
Charlie554 · 02/01/2023 13:56

Yes - it is a bonus to have a good friend and I suppose if I said something about it then I might lose that. He provides me with a sounding board when needed.

OP posts:
Idreamofnothing · 02/01/2023 13:57

Unless you want a relationship with him I'd walk away. Men like this can be a complete drain as they want all the emotional benefit of a relationship without being in a relationship. If you can't walk away then set yourself really firm boundaries like pop him in archive and only check his messages once a day once every couple of days etc

IdisagreeMrHochhauser · 02/01/2023 13:57

He now lives in Canada.

I think he's being very realistic about the options here. He probably doesn't want to uproot his life and move back. Would you really uproot your life and move to Canada?

Also it didn't work out last time for a reason.

I don't think this is being used - either you enjoy each other's company for what it is or you don't. If you don't, stop replying so much.

Original poster
Charlie554 · 02/01/2023 14:00

Yes - he’s called me when he wanted to talk about how to address the problems in his marriage- I challenged him on his behaviour also. It’s only been the asking to spend new year together and the number of messages a day which just leaves me with the sense that it seems a bit odd.

OP posts:
Original poster
Charlie554 · 02/01/2023 14:02

IdisagreeMrHochhauser · 02/01/2023 13:57

He now lives in Canada.

I think he's being very realistic about the options here. He probably doesn't want to uproot his life and move back. Would you really uproot your life and move to Canada?

Also it didn't work out last time for a reason.

I don't think this is being used - either you enjoy each other's company for what it is or you don't. If you don't, stop replying so much.

no - he wouldn’t move back here and yes - I would move to Canada. I love the country and have visited many times to the west coast . When I have replied less I’ve been asked if I’m ok

OP posts:
Worriere · 02/01/2023 14:03

WunWun · 02/01/2023 13:52

What the OP is describing is too intense for a platonic relationship. This is something you have with a partner, sending videos, multiple messages a day about you day to day life. In the meantime the OP has feelings for him and so is being swept up along with it.

Show quote history

He's recently separated. I certainly leaned more heavily on friends and family when i separated until i had the strength to not need those gaps filled by other people anymore. I wasn't using them, they were being there for me as I would be there for them. That's what friendships are.

OP and this man renewed their friendship ten years ago, perhaps he considers her as a good friend helping him through a difficult time in his life. That doesn't mean he's using her, he just thinks she's being there for him.

If he clearly knew she wanted more, and carried on with this level of contact then yeah he'd be using her romantic feelings for him to his advantage, and to her detriment.

Original poster
Charlie554 · 02/01/2023 14:06

Idreamofnothing · 02/01/2023 13:57

Unless you want a relationship with him I'd walk away. Men like this can be a complete drain as they want all the emotional benefit of a relationship without being in a relationship. If you can't walk away then set yourself really firm boundaries like pop him in archive and only check his messages once a day once every couple of days etc

I think the comment of “emotional benefit” is pissible . Perhaps though I’m being harsh if he sees me as possibly lonely and is communicating with me to offset that.

OP posts:
Original poster
Charlie554 · 02/01/2023 14:10

Worriere · 02/01/2023 14:03

He's recently separated. I certainly leaned more heavily on friends and family when i separated until i had the strength to not need those gaps filled by other people anymore. I wasn't using them, they were being there for me as I would be there for them. That's what friendships are.

OP and this man renewed their friendship ten years ago, perhaps he considers her as a good friend helping him through a difficult time in his life. That doesn't mean he's using her, he just thinks she's being there for him.

If he clearly knew she wanted more, and carried on with this level of contact then yeah he'd be using her romantic feelings for him to his advantage, and to her detriment.

Show quote history

I’ve been happy to be there for him. I haven’t said it explicitly but I took his hand a couple of times when we were out on walks but it didn’t last long and he never initiated it. I think he knows.

OP posts: