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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think I’m being used?

55 replies

Charlie554 · 02/01/2023 13:09

Looking for MN wisdom advice. Background first. 30 years had a relationship with John. Serious but ended amicably. Both moved on and married. Reconnected about 10 years ago. I was by then divorced. Kept in touch via FB . He now lives in Canada. We have loads of common. Twelve months ago he separated. Moved out. Beginning December tells me he’s coming to visit brother who’s not well and what am I doing for NY. as it happened I am staying at sisters farm looking after her horses in Cumbria. She said it was ok for him to stay which he did. Left today to travel to family in Carlisle. We talked loads . Went out for dinner. Walks on the coast. Nothing from him to suggest he wants to be anything other than friends. But he messages me every day just about. Sometimes more than once a day. I did ask him why he wanted to spend NY with me. Said thought it would be nice to see me. We’re both 55. I just feel I’m being some sort of emotional support. And yes - I was hoping it might lead to us rekindling the relationship . AIBU to think he’s behaving a bit weird?

OP posts:
FoxtrotOscarFoxtrotOscar · 02/01/2023 14:13

Men will suit themselves.
Time for you to do likewise.
Don't be so quick to open his messages and/or reply.
If questioned, just say you've been out/been busy.
Stay friendly but on your terms.

Original poster
Charlie554 · 02/01/2023 14:15

The vote is mostly that I’m being unreasonable judging him that way. Thank you to everyone who has taken time to respond.

OP posts:
Original poster
Charlie554 · 02/01/2023 14:16

yes - I think this is a practical way forward. Thank you

OP posts:
ThanksLots · 02/01/2023 14:16

Would you want to be his rebound relationship after a marriage breakup anyway?

Original poster
Charlie554 · 02/01/2023 14:19

WunWun · 02/01/2023 13:50

This is really resonating with me and male "friend" who I was seeing for a while a year or so ago. These are the exact kind of messages I would get on a daily basis until recently. He's gone quiet this last month, which I'm very sure is because he's met someone.

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I understand- the messaging has definitely increased. He has two adult children to share these messages with so doesn’t need me I don’t think

OP posts:
Original poster
Charlie554 · 02/01/2023 14:21

He’s already had that with someone 15 years younger. He broke it off and I think again it was with hope of a reconciliation

OP posts:
ComtesseDeSpair · 02/01/2023 14:21

If you tried to hold his hand when you were together and he didn’t encourage it then I’d take his subsequent bland messages about tidying his brother’s garden and what he’s doing with family as politely and kindly trying to make it clear that he doesn’t want more than friendship and reinforcing communication along those lines. They aren’t the messages of somebody trying to seek out anything. (And be honest: if he hadn’t messaged at all, would you now be thinking “perhaps he isn’t messaging me because he’s biding his time and trying to think of how to tell me he wants a relationship with me” or the like?)

Just stop responding to his messages as frequently or just with occasional one liners like “Looks nice” and so on and I’m sure when he returns home to Canada and normal life resumes his contact will drop off anyway.

Original poster
Charlie554 · 02/01/2023 14:26

Yep - you’re right re the handholding . If he wasn’t messaging then I definitely wouldn’t have thought he was trying to bide his time - I honestly wouldn’t have thought that.

OP posts:
Original poster
Charlie554 · 02/01/2023 15:27

Another two messages and photos. I get notifications but I’m not viewing them or replying - that’s seven today.

OP posts:
Original poster
Charlie554 · 02/01/2023 15:42

Charlie554 · 02/01/2023 15:27

Another two messages and photos. I get notifications but I’m not viewing them or replying - that’s seven today.

Let’s make that nine now - another video and photo. Nine! And it’s not even 4pm.

OP posts:
PrincessNakatomi · 02/01/2023 15:46

Don’t feel you have to be his friend, especially if you want more.

It’s easier to find someone to love and love you back if you’re not giving this guy free headspace by maintaining a friendly text relationship.

His emotional needs are not your concern.

And don’t put him up again.

Idreamofnothing · 02/01/2023 15:59

Charlie554 · 02/01/2023 15:42

Let’s make that nine now - another video and photo. Nine! And it’s not even 4pm.

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He's lonely and using you to fill the gap.

Original poster
Charlie554 · 02/01/2023 16:04

PrincessNakatomi · 02/01/2023 15:46

Don’t feel you have to be his friend, especially if you want more.

It’s easier to find someone to love and love you back if you’re not giving this guy free headspace by maintaining a friendly text relationship.

His emotional needs are not your concern.

And don’t put him up again.

I definitely won’t put him up again

OP posts:
VladmirsPoutine · 02/01/2023 16:07

Do you want a relationship with him specifically or is that he's just the closest person available? I don't mean this rudely, is it something about him, who he is that draws you in or is that there's no-one else around?

Original poster
Charlie554 · 02/01/2023 16:10

When we went out NYE, I got dressed up and did hair and make up - when I walked into the lounge , he told me he found a good price for a United shirt he’d found for his son online. I thought friends would compliment each other. I’m no Gisele but ok! That’s what made me start to think I was just filling his own needs.

OP posts:
Original poster
Charlie554 · 02/01/2023 16:17

VladmirsPoutine · 02/01/2023 16:07

Do you want a relationship with him specifically or is that he's just the closest person available? I don't mean this rudely, is it something about him, who he is that draws you in or is that there's no-one else around?

I’m really quite happy with my lot. Good job/salary, lovely house I have renovated, great children. I have lots of interests. When we first met, we instantly clicked. We have loads of interests in common- cooking, gardening, sports. We trust each other. We’ve remained friends albeit remotely. I am happy just to be friends. I’m not happy for him to act as if we are something more than friends in some ways but not in others. I guess that’s why I wanted to see what others thought.

OP posts:
PrincessNakatomi · 02/01/2023 16:20

I’m guessing it’s also nice for him to share stories back home of how he stayed in Cumbria with horses etc…

Has he invited you to visit him?

Original poster
Charlie554 · 02/01/2023 16:23

PrincessNakatomi · 02/01/2023 16:20

I’m guessing it’s also nice for him to share stories back home of how he stayed in Cumbria with horses etc…

Has he invited you to visit him?

Ah - another telling quote “you couldn’t come at the moment as I’ve only got a one bedroom apartment. If the house is sold then I’m going to get a nice two bedroomed one.”

OP posts:
PrincessNakatomi · 02/01/2023 16:24

Of course!

I foresee he will be after another visit at yours soon.

Did he bring a gift?

Original poster
Charlie554 · 02/01/2023 16:28

PrincessNakatomi · 02/01/2023 16:24

Of course!

I foresee he will be after another visit at yours soon.

Did he bring a gift?

No - but we had three meals out and he insisted on paying for everything. He offered to get some spirits from duty free but I said not to bother as often it’s not cheaper anyway.

OP posts:
GoT1904 · 02/01/2023 16:32

All the way through I thought that he sounded very into you. He is obviously enjoying your connection, but I don't think he's using you.

However, the quote about you couldn't visit due to him only having one bedroom has made me believe maybe he isn't after a relationship after all.

Could you speak with him about your feelings?

PrincessNakatomi · 02/01/2023 16:33

Charlie554 · 02/01/2023 16:28

No - but we had three meals out and he insisted on paying for everything. He offered to get some spirits from duty free but I said not to bother as often it’s not cheaper anyway.

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Ok so he redeemed himself there!

Charlize43 · 02/01/2023 16:38

He's a year out from a divorce. You can't blame him for not wanting to jump into another relationship.

Just enjoy the friendship for what it is. Have you asked him if he's planning to return to Canada? He'll have a whole life back there.

Don't you think you are the one being a bit weird and reading too much into it?

PrincessNakatomi · 02/01/2023 16:39

Charlize43 · 02/01/2023 16:38

He's a year out from a divorce. You can't blame him for not wanting to jump into another relationship.

Just enjoy the friendship for what it is. Have you asked him if he's planning to return to Canada? He'll have a whole life back there.

Don't you think you are the one being a bit weird and reading too much into it?

But she’s not enjoying the 9 messages he’s sent her. It seems the less OP responds, the more the ramps up the texts…

Charlize43 · 02/01/2023 16:54

PrincessNakatomi · 02/01/2023 16:39

But she’s not enjoying the 9 messages he’s sent her. It seems the less OP responds, the more the ramps up the texts…

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I disagree. Two friends, recently reunited. He's probably just enjoying the friendship and in the excitement he's oversharing. He may be an over sharer.

She's hankering for a relationship with an old flame and clearly he's not into her... in that way.