To think this reaction from my ex is out of proportion?

[Dizzying]

Me and ex split some time ago. When I was applying to a new job I realised I had left some documents at her place and needed them back in order to have proof of ID. I sent her a civilised message asking if she could post the things back to me, and I would reimburse her for the delivery and packaging costs. She agreed, but said she didn’t want to be reimbursed. I said I’d feel more comfortable if I covered the costs. I sent her a few things back in the post too, and a birthday card and some small gifts.

She sent them, but didn’t tell me when she sent them (which is fine, she doesn’t have to), and she ending up sending them to my old address. My ex flatmate got a card through the door saying “sorry we missed you” and it was sent back to the sorting office. Ex flatmate said she would pick it up for me as I was working early morning shifts and would miss the opening times of the sorting office, and she lived down the road from there.

Ex flatmate said she had “forgotten” and when I rang the office they said they only keep the parcels for so long and then discard, so mine had been discarded.

I felt terrible that I hadn’t picked it up after my ex went to the trouble of posting it. I sent a massive apology message to my ex, thanked her again for sending them and said I would sort it out.

She didn’t speak to me for a month and has now sent me messages calling me self-centred, manipulative, and that I have humiliated her and wasted her time. I apologised again, thanked her again, but she said I have made a fool of her.

AIBU!

Why did you need to tell your ex what happened? Surely her involvement ended when she posted the stuff?

Yes you are a bit you should have given her your new address. However her reaction does seem a bit harsh

We are in touch and were on good terms so she asked about it. It was signed for so she knew I hadn’t signed for it, I didn’t want to lie to her.

The whole situation sounds very strange. There was no need to post back a birthday card and little presents, or to tell her that you didn't bother to collect the parcel she posted. I wonder if she thinks you were more interested in having contact with her than getting to documents?

so presumably the item will get returned to her, and she will have to go through the whole palaver of collecting it, signing for it, then posting it off all over again. It does seem that you have made her a huge amount of work, particularly if she is someone who is at work during the o=hours that post offices are open

Signed for post gets discarded if not collected from the depot? Does it not get returned to sender? If sending signed for, they usually require a return address. Surely they don't just throw stuff away? Did it get returned to her? Does she feel she's wasted her time and money?

In that case it makes sense why you mentioned it. Her reaction does seem rather an overreaction. In her place I'd have felt mildly annoyed at wasting my time and effort whilst you and your flatmate couldn't get your arses in gear to collect. It must have been at least three weeks before they discarded (though I would have expected them to return to sender instead). Were the docs not important after all?

Selfish and manipulative is a bit strong though!

Maybe it wouldn't have been such an issue if she hadn't sent it all to the wrong address

Ex flatmate told me she was collecting and she’d pass it over to me when she saw me after Christmas, she’s usually reliable so I didn’t have any reason to doubt that she would. I was genuinely upset when she said she’d forgotten it as I have the ID checks over Zoom very soon and it would have just been easier for me to go to the sorting office by taking some annual leave!

This is bizzare if documents were important why didn't you or ex flatmate pick them up or get them redirected to a post office.

If I was her I'd tell you to piss off too.

Why didn't she send them to the right address?

Makes no sense.

Sends them to the wrong place then blames you?

I’ve explained that my ex flatmate said she would collect it and bring it to my place over Christmas. When she arrived she said she hadn’t had time to collect it. The ID appointment is this month.

Is this ‘ex-flatmate’ someone whom you ex perceives as your girlfriend?
It all seems very chaotic to me, IMHO people with chaotic lives often expect other people to run around sorting out their trail of chaos and this does make you feel like you’re being manipulated. If I was the ex in this situation it would remind me of this type of frustrating behaviour.

I think that you were really careless about leaving crucial ID behind in the first place, and not then going to pick the documents up in person once you’d realised.

I also suspect there is more to this than you have posted.

1. Did the ex have your new address or did they think you were still at old address? I.e who's cock up was the address?

2. would the package not get returned to the poster rather than thrown away?

3. If the package contained your important documents why do you make other people take responsibility for it and if they're so important why would you just leave them when you and ex split up?

4. Was your lack of taking responsibility for yourself and your things a factor in your break up as by the seemingly OTT reaction from your ex it would suggest this is not the first time they've had to pick up the pieces of your disorganisation and are still having to deal with it post break up.

I get it. My ex sent some things here. He asked me to send them back. I agreed because I didn't want the bad feeling, BUT returning the items turned into a mamouth task for me. It was a difficult process that sent me out of my way numerously, he couldn't be bothered to reply promptly when I asked questions, so it made it harder, for someone who had already treated me pretty poorly in our relationship, it was just a further waste of my time for him. I was aware my feeling was an over reaction at this point but I was annoyed at him and myself and it brought back all those crappy feelings from my time with him.

But these are important documents you should have taken proper responsibility for them rather than relying on someone else, they are your documents no one else's.

As said you could have picked up from a post office and sorting offices are open usually at least 6 says a week so plenty of time.

The ex sent them she doesn't need any more contact with you at all.

I think it was very strange to send an apology to your ex since she obviously didn't need to know and probably doesn't care where the documents ended up. She probably interpreted it as a passive aggressive dig at her for sending the documents to the wrong address. Her reaction is OTT but in the future I'd just keep things civil and leave out unnecessary and odd apologies which are open to misinterpretation.

sent me messages calling me self-centred, manipulative, and that I have humiliated her and wasted her time.

She's right though, isn't she? When you look closely you are rather self centred and lazy.

On the surface she sounds mean but when you consider that these documents are vital to your new job, how much effort did you make that didn't involve you sitting on your arse directing others? You didn't even think about taking vital documents with you. You didn't even think about making sure she had the right address. Just zero effort on your part. I'm guessing you were selfish and lazy throughout your relationship with her and this is the final straw.

Obviously it was your responsibility to firstly collect important documents in the first place, secondly be very clear about where they were sent and thirdly make sure your ex flatmate was definitely going to collect them and if they weren't sure they could you should have sorted someone else getting them or taken time off work to go yourself. None of this is your ex's fault or responsibility so you shouldn't have involved her by sending strange apologies.

Nah. This doesn’t make sense. Surely you would need to pick it up yourself and show some ID like a bank card. If you’re that close to your ex they would have know you’ve moved and why won’t you have a) taken all your crap with you or b) told your ex your new address when they said they would post your stuff to you.

We both have things left over at each other’s place, it doesn’t bother either of us as we still talk to each other and meet up occasionally. I didn’t direct anyone - when we realised we had no time to meet up before or after Christmas I asked if she was okay to post it or I would drive up after Christmas. She said she would send it, and could I send her some stuff I’ve got at mine back? I said that’s no problem - offered to reimburse her, and said thank you numerous times. the Parcel was sent to my old address, despite me not living there for ages, she knows my address now. My flatmate let me know and when I said I’d come and collect the “sorry we missed you” card, they said they’d collect it as they lived close and we were meeting up for Christmas.

🙄

So sending a birthday card and gift is 'making no effort'? You sound very odd. In what way has the OP 'humiliated' his ex by not receiving the documents?