Useless DH, is there any point or LTB?

[Whydoievenbother]

Long story short, after DC, H has come up woefully short. I do pretty much everything, we talk, he says he will change but nothing really does. It's now not even about what he does or doesn't do as I am just so disappointed in him, he is not the person I thought he was. He's not completely useless, but if I had known he'd be like this I never would have married him and had children with him. Hindsight is a wonderful thing, isn't it.
It makes me feel so sad all the time that while I am not alone, I feel so alone. Is this a relationship worth staying in?

I don't think that it is. The resentment kills any feelings you have left, the sex life goes etc. I said to my DD that she either had to accept him or leave because the daily complaining was ridiculous. She ended things. It's a much healthier environment for her DDs. Have you said outright that it's a deal breaker?

What would you like him to do more of? Do you work equal hours, do you work? (I am not saying this is AT ALL a justification, it isn’t - I’m trying to understand his mindset).

Do you challenge him when he agrees to do more then doesn't? And if so, what does he say?

I think it's time for a serious talk about his failure to step up, and that you should explain that for you, this could be a deal breaker.

They don’t change, they like it as it is. And resentment is a killer.
The ball is in your court.

That sounds really tough, sorry to hear you're going through this. How old is your baby?

Can you leave your baby with your DH for some time? You not being available will force him to step up and also improve their bond. Repeat DH being the primary parent over and over, and with time it will improve. However, the most important thing is whether he wants to step up. What does he say when you talk about it?

Sorry OP, I've been there, and he's unlikely to change.

My EXDP used to spout off that he did everything in the house when we were together because he used to drop off our DC to nursery a couple of times a week. The reality was that I got them ready, gave them breakfast, and packed their bags. All he did was put them in the car, and walk them to the nursery door. Many instances similar.

Resentment of how little he did, plus his emotionally abusive behaviour ended the relationship. The fact we hadn't got married after 7 years together (despite him promising we would "soon" in year 2) made it all the more easy for me to walk away.

It's also easier to leave when DC are young. Mine adapted so quickly to not living with their Dad anymore. The reality was they barely noticed his absence, as he didn't do much with them pre-split.

Baby is 17 months now. Today H sensed I was annoyed, so both unloaded and loaded up the dishwasher, instead of being happy all it made me think, is how I don't think that has happened since DC was born, that's what made me think it might be over as I'm in such a negative mindset. While it is technically better to stay I'm just so bitter and I don't think I could keep doing this for years. The main issue I suppose is he sleeps in on the weekends and that's why I feel it's my own fault as he has always been like this. To him sleeping til 11 or even 1 is nothing as he's soooo tired from his stressful job (I'm SAHM) but to me I think we have a baby now, it's not ok to lie in all day. There's lots of things, buy that's the major issue I think.

Does he not do anything around the house? At all?

What are his working hours?

Not really. We agreed as I was SAHM housework would all be my job, unfortunately I was quite stupid and didn't realise how tough it actually is. He takes out the rubbish, that's probably about it. He will help out with DC in the weekends and feed him a meal or two. He helps with most dirty nappies. He works from home, so that's probably what annoys me more as I feel he could step up more. Hours are 9-6, with hour break. Sorry, I don't even know why I started this thread. I feel I should leave, but wonder if I should just suck it up as it 'could be worse'

I guess I just feel a bit stuck and fed up. I also feel stupid that I didn't see this coming.

That plan could backfire.
A person who has shown no interest in caring for a child isn't suddenly going to become a nurturing parent by being left alone with them.

Perhaps he could be doing a bit more but don’t think of WFH as an opportunity to do housework. It’s working.

I think it's unreasonable for you to expect him to step up more while he works from home. From the hours of 9-6 he's in work, not simply available to help out unless it's an emergency.

In other hours he's a partner and a parent. You say he helps out on the weekend and that you agreed that the housework would be your responsibility so it's not like he's doing nothing at all. You sound overwhelmed and a little depressed by it all.

Talk with him. Explain you're struggling and need a little extra help after work with things like the dishwasher and a little more on weekends. See what his response is.

If he is working from home then during working house I wouldn’t expect help - however I would find it frustrating that he was there and couldn’t help.
Are you going out to baby groups, meeting friends etc. It’s important for you to get out of the house?
You could make some agreements together about lie ins - take it in turns.
When was the last time you got a babysitter and went out without DC?

I totally agree with wfh and don't expect him to do anything during work hours. It more the time saved not commuting etc which is probably 2ish hours, they aren't spent helping out, they're spent on sleep or watching TV

Have a look at this vardgivare.skane.se/siteassets/3.-kompetens-och-utveckling/projekt-och-utveckling/jamstallt-foraldraskap/material-foraldrar/checklist-for-gender-equality-in-your-everyday-life.pdf

Complete it and see how you feel afterwards.

Sorry I think he’s unlikely to change.

Your role as a sahm isn't 24/7 it's the same hours as his working week after that you both share the family chores. Being a sahm doesn't equal servant who's always on call. Op sit him down and have a serious discussion about reassessing your boundaries and what you expect from him. If he doesn't change then I suggest you LTB. and don't have any more kids with him.

As for sleeping in on the weekends, discuss one day each to sleep in. He might have a stressful job but you need rest too so it's only fair that you get a lie in on one day and he gets a lie in on the other.

I'd suggest counselling too, together or alone. Marriage is never 50/50, especially with small children. The parent doing the majority of the housework and childcare will always find they do more and it feels very uneven. Your baby is still very little and this will absolutely even out as they grow and become more independent.

I'd also suggest you to find a hobby or something outside of the house and away from your baby. You sound completely worn down and exhausted by the monotony of it all and you're taking it out on your husband. If you don't love, like, or respect him then you should leave but if you still do, counselling and finding more time for you will greatly help this resentment.

The reason I'm not jumping straight to LTB is that you are in such a precarious situation as a SAHP. Change that first. That's also the perfect opportunity to change how you live - who could expect you to do all the housework when you're working too?

Working outside the home will give you enough financial security to leave, objective impetus for DH to change and as well (I'll put money on it) solidify your desire to leave through boosting your self-esteem.

Ok and that’s fair. One of the benefits of wfh is no commute so it’s totally reasonable to expect the “help” to start earlier.

(not really help, just joint living chores)

During the hours of 9-6 he needs leaving to it, he's working. You have to treat that like he's out of the house.

It sounds like you agreed to do all the housework, so you'd be best sitting him down and telling him you're finding it hard. It has to work both ways where it's fair to you both.

When I was a SAHM I done it all so that my husband could focus on earning the money, but if I'd have needed help I'd have just had an honest conversation with him and told him it felt too much for me.

If your a SAHM I would expect you to be doing a lot more of the house work than him as his day is taken up with working. If you want 50:50 in the house how about looking for a job? How old is little one? You need to invest in a sling or baby bouncer (jumperoo) so you can get on with things during the day. It gets easier DS is 9 he loads and unloads the dishwasher for pocket money.

When he’s working he’s working. You need to imagine he’s at the office as if he were actually commuting. But outside of those hours it should be a full 50%. So every other bedtime, cooking dinner etc. Weekends should be a lie in each so if he has Saturday to recover from the oh so stressful job then Sunday is yours. Any housework that needs doing at the weekend should also be an even split. He should actively want to spend time with his child too - it’s just plain sad for LO if he’d rather watch TV than play with him and put him to bed after he finishes work. I’d find it completely unacceptable too.

With a 17month old, and being as worn out as you sound at the moment, is not the time to make big decisions.

Marriage takes work- and at the moment, the load sounds unequal.
But, before you go making big decisions, take a step back.

How much time off work do you get?
What are you doing while he is sitting watching TV [I think I would seethe if another adult in the house was sitting watching TV while I fed baby/ tidied kitchen/ did bedtimes etc etc etc]?
How much exercise time do you get?
Do you get an hours lunchbreak?

Some of the issue may be the very very very old-fashioned idea that staying at home with baby =/= work. In fact it is a 24hour job.... and as such, it is important to ensure that there is a team of people to do it, and that there is adequate rest time, and social time outside of your job.

My Nan used to say 'the more you do, the more he'll let you'.

Resentment like this is corrosive and can ultimately kill the relationship.