Page 3 | Useless DH, is there any point or LTB?

Whydoievenbother · 2023-01-02T07:29:58+00:00

Long story short, after DC, H has come up woefully short. I do pretty much everything, we talk, he says he will change but nothing really does. It's now not even about what he does or doesn't do as I am just so disappointed in him, he is not the person I thought he was. He's not completely useless, but if I had known he'd be like this I never would have married him and had children with him. Hindsight is a wonderful thing, isn't it. It makes me feel so sad all the time that while I am not alone, I feel so alone. Is this a relationship worth staying in?

Bestcatmum · 03/01/2023 07:01

He is disgusting OP and if he was my husband he would be dumped.
But you situation is bad. You don't work and how would you afford childcare for two children.
I would start thinking about a potential career for the future if I were you with a view to leaving when they are older in school. Maybe do a career specific degree.
It can't be a very happy household with him being such a lazy slob. Give him specific jobs to do and tell him he's a useless slob everyday. It might encourage him to do something but I doubt it.
Start awning your future now and don't have any more children with him.

MintJulia · 03/01/2023 07:12

KangarooKenny · 02/01/2023 07:38

They don’t change, they like it as it is. And resentment is a killer.
The ball is in your court.

This.

I left two years after ds was born.

Original poster

Whydoievenbother · 03/01/2023 19:35

User839516 · 03/01/2023 06:13

Hey OP, just a bit of moral support here and to let you know YANBU, it’s not just a ‘man thing’ and you shouldn’t put up with it. I am also a SAHM and my DH also (mostly) works from home. On his lunch break he frequently makes lunch for all of us (we have 3 young DC) and it is not at all unusual for him to tidy the kitchen while he makes his coffee or just hold the baby so I can go for a pee or whatever. As soon as he clocks off at the end of the day he is 50/50, either making tea or entertaining DC so I can make tea in peace, then he tidies the kitchen, loads the dishwasher etc after tea while I tidy playroom with DC or start on bedtime. Every night he baths the baby while I do story etc for the other two. On weekends if anyone was to get a lie in it would be me (although I try not to take the piss and rarely stay in bed past 9am) because I am the one who does the night wakings (baby is breastfed). He frequently tells me my job is harder than his, that he couldn’t do it, and what a great job I’m doing. He will (jokingly!) apologise for yawning as he says tiredness ‘is not for him’. He tells anyone who’ll listen how lucky he is that he gets to sleep all night and will never take any credit when people compliment the DCs behaviour saying it’s all thanks to me. He really is the gold standard of husbands which, as someone earlier pointed out, is a shame that it’s not just the norm. But what you’ve got going on with your DH is honestly so sub-par. I don’t normally scream LTB as I personally believe marriage is for life, BUT something drastic needs to change here otherwise you’re going to end up in a situation where you’re setting a terrible example for your DC. Would you ever show your DH this thread as a way to shock him into change? Or couples therapy? It sounds like you already resent him so much (understandably). What were his role models like in terms of his parents and their roles?

This resonates so much, I also think it's not just the not pulling his weight but the attitude, as in its 'my job'. I met one of my mum friends partners last week and I looked a bit of a mess, and apologised for it. He said something like "not at all", then something about having the hardest job. I almost cried having someone empathise. I feel like SUCH a drama queen, but I do feel like this is the hardest job even though my DC is such am easy baby. I just didn't know what I was in for, and I think also feel very sorry for myself.
Your DH sounds amazing, you're so lucky. It's sad too because your DH should be the standard and not the gold standard. I'm just like how does this go so wrong, and now I'm in this situation I see it so much. It's almost like some secret that everyone knows but doesn't tell you.
Unfortunately for my H, his mum died when he was very young and his dad was and still is pretty useless so for I think by his standard he thinks he's a great dad. He is actually great with DC, it's just he doesn't seem to realise all the "baby admin" is also parenting and not "helping me out".

OP posts:

Original poster

Whydoievenbother · 03/01/2023 19:43

Bestcatmum · 03/01/2023 07:01

He is disgusting OP and if he was my husband he would be dumped.
But you situation is bad. You don't work and how would you afford childcare for two children.
I would start thinking about a potential career for the future if I were you with a view to leaving when they are older in school. Maybe do a career specific degree.
It can't be a very happy household with him being such a lazy slob. Give him specific jobs to do and tell him he's a useless slob everyday. It might encourage him to do something but I doubt it.
Start awning your future now and don't have any more children with him.

Thank you for your advice. Financially it wouldn't be the best, but I would be ok. We would split our house, so I could afford a 2 bedroom easily and I did have an establishment career, so I would put DC in childcare and would go back to work. I wouldn't have what I have now, but I would be ok. I would hate it, but if really needed I would ask my parents for help, they aren't wealthy but I could always move in with them for a bit. I probably wouldn't even consider leaving if I couldn't make this work (or at least I would wait a few more years). Tbh, that's what I'm trying to weigh up ... suck it up for DC, and the hope that things will get easier or cut my losses and leave before I become a husk of my former self (I feel pretty close to this already ... sorry for the dramatics)

OP posts:

Original poster

Whydoievenbother · 03/01/2023 19:47

Velvetbee · 02/01/2023 11:55

My DH works from home 3 days a week. While he’s waiting for the kettle to boil he sticks a wash on or empties the dishwasher. Even when he’s commuting he whizzes round the kitchen surfaces with a cloth before he leaves because he’s a fully functioning adult.
We set the bar so low for men!

This!! One million percent!!! I honestly think are (some) men just completely useless or are the actually really smart?! Do they tell each other what to do and how to get away with it etc. You know when you're younger and you have the image of the dumb, lazy male watching TV (so many cartoons and sitcoms like that). Then all of a sudden you realise that's your life and that's who you are married to. The irony is not lost on me 🤨

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justcouldntthinkofausername · 03/01/2023 20:07

Are you married to my DH @Whydoievenbother ?? 🤔

Bestcatmum · 03/01/2023 20:56

Whydoievenbother · 03/01/2023 19:43

Thank you for your advice. Financially it wouldn't be the best, but I would be ok. We would split our house, so I could afford a 2 bedroom easily and I did have an establishment career, so I would put DC in childcare and would go back to work. I wouldn't have what I have now, but I would be ok. I would hate it, but if really needed I would ask my parents for help, they aren't wealthy but I could always move in with them for a bit. I probably wouldn't even consider leaving if I couldn't make this work (or at least I would wait a few more years). Tbh, that's what I'm trying to weigh up ... suck it up for DC, and the hope that things will get easier or cut my losses and leave before I become a husk of my former self (I feel pretty close to this already ... sorry for the dramatics)

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It just sounds like such an awful situation. I ended my marriage 5 years ago because he just didn't contribute and was so selfish. I was devastated as I had been so in love when we married 15 years back but after the initial trauma it was such a relief. A lazy uninvolved husband drags you down bit by bit. If you can leave now and it sounds like you can then go for it.
Why do so many men think we are some kind of servant? It's such ugly behaviour.

HungryandIknowit · 03/01/2023 21:44

I don't know tbh. You agreed that you would do all the home stuff as a SAHP, but are now finding it difficult. If you have spoken to him clearly about it and explicitly told him that it's not working for you and you need it to change, and he doesn't, then he probably won't. In those circs I would go to counselling and if that failed leave. If he doesn't know though, he definitely won't change, so the first step is having a serious conversation about trying to ensure you both get equal leisure time. The lie ins with a young child are ridiculous.

HungryandIknowit · 03/01/2023 21:47

Also if I thought the relationship could be saved I would wait until baby is older to decide, as it is so hard on relationships when they are young.

Original poster

Whydoievenbother · 03/01/2023 23:04

Bestcatmum · 03/01/2023 20:56

It just sounds like such an awful situation. I ended my marriage 5 years ago because he just didn't contribute and was so selfish. I was devastated as I had been so in love when we married 15 years back but after the initial trauma it was such a relief. A lazy uninvolved husband drags you down bit by bit. If you can leave now and it sounds like you can then go for it.
Why do so many men think we are some kind of servant? It's such ugly behaviour.

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Yes it's the bit by bit. I don't even recognise myself anymore as I am just so negative about everything, I used to be such a positive, energetic person. I think also once you get so down, it becomes harder to pull yourself up each time.
Hopefully this holiday season I will get to have a bit of relief and get my head together.

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Arseulaundress · 04/01/2023 19:57

It's almost like some secret that everyone knows but doesn't tell you.

The big lies of patriarchy: marriage and children are fulfilling in and of themselves; SAHMs have it easy; men are adults.

Compulsory heterosexuality has a lot to answer for.

Jastree · 04/01/2023 20:29

Hiya OP
This is exactly what happened to me. The first 3 months or so were great, we did night shifts with baby and it was all good. When he went back to work things changed. It progressively got worse to the point where I was doing everything in the house whilst looking after baby. He never once got up in the night again with her, never read her a story, never did bedtime or make any meals for her. I did everything. That included putting the bins out, mowing the grass, doing the weeding, hoovering, cleaning, tidying, you name it. I was shattered and I ended up resenting him- more so because he then started living like a single man- staying in bed till after 10am, doing his exercise, going out on all dayers with his mates drinking. All the while I carried on doing it all. It eventually became intolerable and I ended it. I had the same thoughts as you- I didn't want to leave and break up our family. I wanted to stick it out. But the more it went on the more I was just losing myself and feeling weaker and weaker. Looking back I felt numb- and only now I think I probably had some postnatal depression too (whether caused by all this or not- the point was I was not being supported and eventually with a baby it takes its toll).
My advice would be to listen to your gut- I did in the end. We are doing well now. I can't pretend that sometimes I wish I could still have that family unit back but actually, it wasn't me that broke it, he caused it to break.
Good luck with your decision.

billy1966 · 04/01/2023 20:57

Look at leaving him as a project.

You will be returning to work, so try and enjoy this time with your hild with that in mind.

Look at preparing yourself for returning to work, look at your housing, when can you get free hours for you child etc.

What supports are available to you?
Reach out to friends and family who will quietly support you.

Start detaching and stop expecting anything from him.

Take all actions to suit yourself.

He is very lazy and has chosen to be, but you need to look seriously at returning to work and depending on no one but yourself.

Squirrel away any money that you can in preparation and get copies of all financials together.

Selfishness like his is hard to forgive for many women, so better to co parent well rather than rear a child in an unhappy environment.

I think when you take back control and start planning your future you will feel better than the unhappy drifting you are doing now.

PermanentTemporary · 04/01/2023 21:14

Things I would suggest.

I believe it is fairly normal to go through really difficult patches when small children are small, and if you want to hang on, it wouldn't be a terrible idea to do so. Not saying you have to, just that it really might change.

He needs to understand that you are not the default parent. You're not. If he is sleeping longer than the baby, he is doing that either because he doesn't understand that babies need looking after all the time, in which case he's dumb and neglectful, or much more likely because he just assumes that you will do it and if he doesn't want yo do it, he doesn't have to. You are the default carer, while it's something he can dip in and out of when he feels able to do so - when he's not working, not too tired, not reading something interesting, not finishing a run on a game, not meeting a friend. Etc etc etc. It was this assumption that drove my white hot fury at times with my late dh when ds was little.

Things did change with my dh when ds was older. I do believe that some men who are utterly shit at the baby stage get a lot more into it when the child is older. Dh had periods where he was a better parent than me, and usually equal, once ds was 5 or so. I always did more of the serious parenting though because dh was so ill.

Honest truth, he'll be a parent whether you are together or not, so none of that means you have to stay with him. And my dh was nothing like as bad as your h sounds. But right now if I were you I'd be genuinely afraid to hand over the baby for care if you were living apart- there are a lot of women trapped in that situation on MN. So it's worth trying to change how things work now, if only so you can co parent with confidence.