Useless DH, is there any point or LTB?

[Whydoievenbother]

Long story short, after DC, H has come up woefully short. I do pretty much everything, we talk, he says he will change but nothing really does. It's now not even about what he does or doesn't do as I am just so disappointed in him, he is not the person I thought he was. He's not completely useless, but if I had known he'd be like this I never would have married him and had children with him. Hindsight is a wonderful thing, isn't it.
It makes me feel so sad all the time that while I am not alone, I feel so alone. Is this a relationship worth staying in?

I've definitely been where you have been. Our child is 14 months and DH works from home same hours. I tried really hard to be super woman and do it all as stupidly I felt that it was my job. DH was quite frankly useless in the early months and we had to have several serious chats, including giving up the PlayStation ffs lol. If your DH won't help then he should pay for you to have some extra help with a nanny / house worker of some kind. Or alternatively he steps up.
You also have to become a bit more bossy once you have kids, just ask him / tell him what to do. Eventually he will become more domesticated but it takes time. Men are slower to adjust to parenting and the new priorities.
Pleased to report my DH now only plays PlayStation once in a blue moon now.
Also recommend a holiday where there is a kids club / baby sitting and a spa so you can have some time chilling together.
Do you have any family locally who can help out?
Also consider going back to work PT and getting childcare in house or nursery or a combo. Whatever works for you. Will give you a bit of variety and some money in the bank to spend on yourself as you have earned some treats Queen! 👸 👑
How are you on self care? You sound really down. You need some time to yourself, long bath with podcast and candles and Epsom salts, massage, meditation, yoga, go out for a run, walk (without baby), whatever floats your boat.
Carve out time for you.

I think it's ridiculous he is sleeping until 11am, 1pm, that is crazy. What about alternating between lie ins, so Saturday you have one and Sunday he has one? Only fair.

However stressful his job (I mean he is working from home so sitting on his arse all day), I guarantee it's not as physically and mentally demanding as being a SAHM. It's the hardest thing I ever did, I did a year and am back to work PT. So much better to have variety.

And any comments about wfh being the same as going to work, I call bullshit, I have worked from home for years and years. It gives you more time and flexibility, and a time save from lack of commute. I mean if he was in an office sure he'd spend time talking to people in the office, and killing time some other way. There needs to be an upside for you to this, bet you end up making him lunch, clearing up and fitting around his schedule too? Actually it creates more work them being around.

I think any talk of leaving is ridiculous, it's going to take work for you to be happy again, and feel it's fair but keep talking and bossing and make sure you get time.

Also I recommend buying a big loud horn and waking him up with it on Saturday's or better still give it to you child and tell him to go in and 'surprise' daddy.

As PP have said outside of work hours you should expect a partner and parent. He is doing neither so treating you like an employee. No wonder you feel down. Sorry OP this is not ok and if he doesn’t change then you will have to make the changes that put your value first.

He gets one lie in at the weekend and so do you. That would be fair…

My STBXH changed a lot after kids. It wasn't that he was useless or lazy but he wanted us to accommodate his ambitions totally (career, lifestyle, location etc) and we sacrificed a lot of living in the moment to save for a shared retirement that will never be. In bending to his needs I lost myself totally and have ended up in a bad place. I wish I'd taken the almost impossible decision to leave him when the children were small. It would have hurt like hell but I think we'd all be in a better place now. Act upon your instincts.

My DH works from home 3 days a week. While he’s waiting for the kettle to boil he sticks a wash on or empties the dishwasher. Even when he’s commuting he whizzes round the kitchen surfaces with a cloth before he leaves because he’s a fully functioning adult.
We set the bar so low for men!

I think this is rubbish advice. Getting more bossy as the solution- really? So the mental load should continue to fall on OPs shoulders? The OP can’t leave because they won’t find happiness again? Ignore this ‘advice’ OP.

Start thinking again about a career and look at re-training if needed.

The longer you are a SAHM in a bad relationship shop, the worse things are going to get.

So he works 9-6, 5 days a week with one hour lunch but you work 24/7 with no designated breaks...

How much guaranteed time off do you both get? Does he not realise housework is seperate to laundry, shopping and cooking or gardening? Who does the admin side?

If you can't rejig your own working hours or tasks then resentment, frustration and anger will set in and will never go. Could you live this life for the next twenty, thirty years?

The op is married, so the advice about making sure she is financially secure is not quite as relevant. The marriage will have given her extra rights and protection. She will get a share of the pension and likely to get more than 50% of the equity in the house (if there is a house). My daughter got 70%.

Did you remember to give him his medal and his blowjob after did the dishwasher?

9-6 with an hour's lunch break is standard hours, he shouldn't need to lie in until lunchtime both days of the weekend to get over this. He sounds lazy and he should be stepping up. Does he ever look after DC on his own? You need to allocate part of the weekend for just you i.e. one morning for you to have a lie in, go to gym, meet a friend without DC, whatever you like doing. Looking after DC full time is hard and you also need a break. It sounds like he doesn't understand what your life involves. If you can , leave him with DC for a day plus a list of the housework you would usually do and see how he gets on.
I think one of the issues with having a SAHP is the disparity and lack of understanding of what both parties are doing. Which is why I suggest the above.
I would also recommend a frank chat about how you are starting to resent him and things need to change ASAP.

Being a sahm is a tough tough gruelling thankless job. Nobody understands until they are doing it, it’s not too late, you can renegotiate.
You are directing your anger at him but he doesn’t sound that bad.
take a day each to have a lie in at the weekend. You get up Saturday, he gets up Sunday.

start by scheduling breaks for yourself. You need them.

For starters tell him you are struggling with how things are and that you’d like the lie-I s to stop or be shared between you so that you get a break as well. WFH with an admin job and no commute isn’t so draining that he needs such long lie ins.

what more could he do that would make you feel better.

do you feel if you got out to work and had a break from being a SAHM that would help?

how much communicating have you done in a positive manner to resolve this.

if he knew you were at breaking point do you think he would help more.

@Iwanttoslowdown what's the point on stewing on stuff? She should ask for help and be specific - can you take the bins out, can you do the dishwasher, can I have a lie in, can you look after baby whilst I have a (long) bath, can you take the baby out for a few hours?

It's just communication at the end of the day.

Of course they can find happiness again, I am clear that I think it's crazy to be suggesting to leave 17 months into parenting

@Velvetbee agree the bar is slow low, your dh sounds good but that should be the standard!

@TheCatterall totally agree, OP's DH has a desk job, it's not a physical job, there is no need for all these lie ins

Does he drink? Smoke pot? I don't know how someone can sleep for so long with kids in the house

You've got plenty of LTB, the resentment won't change answers. And they may well be correct.

However if you want to make this work I think it may be worth giving it a try. If. That's up to you.

I think you need to make it different from the times before and he needs to understand this is you seriously thinking about ending the relationship and asking if he will join with you in changing things.

Then sit down and attempt to take the emotion out of things and work out how the two of you think would be a fair way to split things. Yes, you are SAHM, so you will do the majority, but that means your job never ends. He needs to do things. Hell, if I visit a friend's I likely help stack the dishwasher or whatever! Are there jobs you hate - are there jobs he hates? Set up some official responsibilities. Honestly it makes things easier to have roles defined. e. g. My ex and I took it in turns to cook and the other washed up. So no one had to feel resentful about the other sitting around when it was their turn.

Also a point to make to him is that it's really hard having no one do anything for you. I live alone and I'm fed up with being the one to plan all the meals. It was great having ex come up with nice dinners! At the moment your husband is getting all that done for him, and probably not realising the half of it. Yes, because he's lazy, but also because no one actually makes a list of all the stuff the person running the house does just so they can marvel at it.

Also, is it worth having the discussion/thoughts about how long you want to be a SAHM? Even if you start small. Also how is money being split? Is it fair?

He does have a mentally challenging job, but I do think his lie-ins are crazy. I feel even 9 is late when I am up at 7. He wears ear plugs so that's how he manages it, and I sleep in another room. Financially it's fine, there's no issue and our money is joint. I think I would like to be a SAHM for another year. I do miss work, but I only have this short time so would like to spend a bit more of it with my DC. Its such a strange feeling to just not care anymore about him, and think I'd be better off without him. I guess because my hate is so draining mentally, it ends up consuming me that I find it hard to feel happy. I keep trying to process my feelings, ultimately I feel let down and I think shocked myself that I have ended up in this situation (even though I feel in hindsight the signs were there). I also think I feel that I can't see myself forgetting about how he has been during this time, I imagine (hope!) Things get easier but by then the damage has been done. I guess I just feel like giving up, well username says it all really. Why do I bother.
Thank you for all of the replies, they have all been very useful.

Are you going to have another child? Because that way madness lies. I cannot believe he stays in bed til 11 or 1, that is extreme! How do you ever manage days out? Do you wait round til he can be bothered to stroll downstairs? My Dh gets up at midday having come home at 7am after his last nightshift, your DH’s sleep pattern must be wrecked. What a lazy useless specimen.

Definitely not another child. I wasn't planning on it anyway, amd now definitely not. That's how I feel, I think he's lazy and I really don't like him. It's like being on a team at work and one person isn't doing their bit. I think his sleep pattern probably is screwed up too from doing this, he also stays up very late as he says he needs to unwind. It's just so frustrating because I used to sleep in alot too, and I'm also tired but I have to suck it up and I think he should too. I really don't know how to get past this, as it seems to trivial in some ways but it's so big for me. It's just a lack of respect and a sign he doesn't care

He works 9-6 five days a week and feels a 1pm lie in is justified?? No. Fuck off. He’s only tired because he stays up late as fuck doing Christ knows what. He’s a selfish prick. Leave.

‘’I guess because my hate is so draining mentally, it ends up consuming me that I find it hard to feel happy. ‘’

I feel consumed by resentment, there’s not an hour that goes by that I don’t think about what to do, the pros and cons. I’ve tossed and turned at night thinking about it. It’s torture.

What keeps you in your situation?

Hey OP, just a bit of moral support here and to let you know YANBU, it’s not just a ‘man thing’ and you shouldn’t put up with it. I am also a SAHM and my DH also (mostly) works from home. On his lunch break he frequently makes lunch for all of us (we have 3 young DC) and it is not at all unusual for him to tidy the kitchen while he makes his coffee or just hold the baby so I can go for a pee or whatever. As soon as he clocks off at the end of the day he is 50/50, either making tea or entertaining DC so I can make tea in peace, then he tidies the kitchen, loads the dishwasher etc after tea while I tidy playroom with DC or start on bedtime. Every night he baths the baby while I do story etc for the other two. On weekends if anyone was to get a lie in it would be me (although I try not to take the piss and rarely stay in bed past 9am) because I am the one who does the night wakings (baby is breastfed). He frequently tells me my job is harder than his, that he couldn’t do it, and what a great job I’m doing. He will (jokingly!) apologise for yawning as he says tiredness ‘is not for him’. He tells anyone who’ll listen how lucky he is that he gets to sleep all night and will never take any credit when people compliment the DCs behaviour saying it’s all thanks to me. He really is the gold standard of husbands which, as someone earlier pointed out, is a shame that it’s not just the norm. But what you’ve got going on with your DH is honestly so sub-par. I don’t normally scream LTB as I personally believe marriage is for life, BUT something drastic needs to change here otherwise you’re going to end up in a situation where you’re setting a terrible example for your DC. Would you ever show your DH this thread as a way to shock him into change? Or couples therapy? It sounds like you already resent him so much (understandably). What were his role models like in terms of his parents and their roles?

Fear. Fear of being alone. I wouldn’t want another relationship.

id start with insisting on turn taking with lie ins and putting the dc to bed. You need a lie in too!