Is my 5 year old overreacting?

[biscoffonasunday]

Hi, this isn't really an AIBU but reposted this here for traffic, sorry!

Has anybody encountered a similar experience with their child? I have an almost 6 year old who is having difficulty regulating his emotions. He has always been very sensitive and been fearful of certain things. He is scared of the sound of hand dryers to the point he won't use a public bathroom, and refuses to go on escalators; he is fine with lifts. He hates buttons on tops, will wear his school .
uniform but really dislikes the buttons and fears I will fasten the top one (I never have and have never went to). He is very sensitive to new shoes and how they fit, will say they're tight even if they're fine. Some shoes he likes right away.

Ds is very well behaved generally, school have said he has an exceptionally good attitude; they haven't noticed anything of concern. However, when we tell him he has done something wrong (for instance if he is mean to his little brother or snatches something etc) he will overreact and get extremely upset. This will esculate to the point where he will retch, and almost throw up. It can be difficult to calm him down when he is in that state. We don't shout at him but tell him firmly it is wrong in the first instance. He hates being wrong and takes it very seriously to the point he can't accept it.

Ds will get very frustrated, and upset if something doesn't go his way. This could be a small detail on a computer game or something not working the way he would like. Any input appreciated, I feel abit worried, he is my first child so I haven't experienced this age before! His younger brother is so much more relaxed and a breeze in comparison, but I wonder if this is just a personality difference.

If anybody could shed any insight into this and if it is 'normal' behaviour I'd be very grateful.

Thank you

AIBU to worry or is this typical behaviour?

I’d worry, this is definitely not normal behabiur at nearly 6.

I’d be contacting my GP in your shoes

What does school say?

Thank you @Alfiexx1 I've been worried all day and going back and forth with it, and thinking maybe he is just a sensitive soul. Everybody has told me he would grow out of it, and he has improved in a number of areas. Ds seems so typical in loads of ways, there is just a few sensitivities that seem a little pronounced, he can be very draining at times. I think I'm noticing it more now because of his age, and the fact he hasn't overcome all of the sensitivities.

It sounds like these are genuine feelings for him so while it might be 'overreacting' compared to a typical child it's probably not a useful way of thinking about it.

It sounds a bit like rejection sensitivity Dysphoria which is common in people with ADHD and other neurodivergences. (Not that he is necessaroly ND). Often people who are ND or for other reasons, spend a great deal of energy passing or people pleasing in a perfectionistic way and it can be incredibly devastating when they feel rejected or that they've failed at something.

@LittleBearPad school haven't any concerns, and have rated him with a n exceptionally good attitude on his report. He is very well behaved but almost too concerned with being good. He has such high standards for himself that when he messes up he can't bear it.

He shld be considered for assessment for being on the autisic spectrum. Your gp wont know anything about that probably.

My 8 year old is autistic snd also incredibly anxious and behaves in what may seem like extrme ways.

Speak to the senco at school. Dont be put off if they cant see the signs. Our school just had ger down as mild anxiety

If you can afford it get the assessment done privately the wait is years

I agree with this.

tell him firmly it is wrong in the first instance. He hates being wrong and takes it very seriously to the point he can't accept it.

When you use the word ‘wrong’ you’re triggering something in him. You recognise this, so you also have the chance to rethink your approach to disciplining him. You can continue to instil good values and correct unwanted behaviour but you might need to rephrase or redirect your natural instincts. So less ‘DS, that was unkind and wrong’ and more ‘DS, what do we say about being kind to each other/asking to share toys nicely?’ It will seem unnatural to begin with.

I have 4 children and your boy sound like my 3rd. He's now 18 and a lovely lad but is definitely autistic. His younger brother is autistic and many other things. 3rd child never got a diagnosis as just thought he was sensitive then loads of family issues. He got to teenage years and seemed to lack empathy and was very different but he never wanted a diagnosis. He does struggle and his anxiety is really bad but we're getting their. He's at college doing a levels but not sociable but seems happy with his life. I can't see how him being diagnosed would help him now but if I had the chance I would of got him diagnosed, his school never picked up on anything. My lads also only eat beige food, dont feel pain like others, dont feel the cold and so much more ,Please seek help as it's a long drawn out process. Good luck.

He sounds like my son at that age. We would go somewhere busy and he would cover his ears with his hands, he would run out of toilets as he said they were noisy. Every time we went somewhere he would be asking "am I being a good boy" over and over again, if he got into trouble (very rarely) he would have a panic attack! The whole class at school once got into trouble for something (my son hadn't done anything) and were put on thunder cloud. I had to drag him into school the next day. We have a wince found out he has sensory processing disorder and potentially autism. We did a course of cbt and he is a different boy. Hopefully you can find something to help! I know it's not easy.

@BackBeatTheWord

Thank you for your reply, it is incredibly useful. Do you know if that links to Sensitivity Processing Disorder? I did the worst thing and googled it. It is really difficult to handle ds when he gets so worked up, I try my best to stay calm, let him know i understand his frustration, and let him know I love him and that all is okay.

He sounds very like my lovely nephew who is also autistic. He has struggles with intrusive thoughts around being 'good' vs 'bad' and can get himself in a terrible state. Please do investigate what support you can access, whether it is through the NHS or privately.

Good luck, he sounds lovely

I have a son who was exactly the same, in every way at that age. I recognise every trait you mention.

He is not autistic. School watched him very carefully throughout primary and secondary and, although he has traits, he simply is not.

It has become very clear, in our case, that it was likely to be a reaction to over criticism when he was very small tbh. He had counselling at secondary school, learned how to put boundaries in place, and quite frankly thrived. He is at university at Oxbridge now, and is confident, has a lot of friends, and can cope with most things that life throws at him.

My 8 year old is awaiting an asd assessment for this same behaviour.
We already know she is autistic as I've had lots of experience but things were delayed because school saw a perfectly behaved child!
They now see what we see and pushed for a referral.

Agree.

I think it tends to come (although not exclusively) with ASD/ADHD which involve sensory processing issues. I would probably take @NoSquirrels advice about how to correct his behaviour without triggering his shame. As I understand it the sensitivity to rejection often comes from some combination of a perfectionistic personality, low self-esteem or some kind of ND which makes people feel like they have to adapt themselves constantly to win the approval of others. When they 'fail' at this it seems overly devastating. I think they're more likely to see a percieved failure or rejection as an indigtment of them as a person rather than a regular mistake which is how it would be seen by anyone else.

No particular advice but I'm an autistic adult and was only diagnosed recently. I can also be very sensitive.

You need to help him learn better coping mechanisms and ways to emotionally regulate himself. In the worldm he will likely always face criticism of some form. You can't control that but you can help him find ways to deal with it. I wish somebody had helped me with that when I was a child, it has been very hard to learn as an adult. It made my early 20s hell.

Thank you for all of the responses and time taken, I appreciate all of your helpful advice. I will definately try out your approach to discipline @NoSquirrels that is extremely useful to know.

I feel deeply upset to see ds have such an extreme reaction to relatively minor things, it is awful to see him so hurt. I have also noticed ds struggles not only with making a mistake but also finds it hard to except praise. He will tell us we aren't allowed to clap, not to talk, to stop singing or dancing etc.
Sometimes when I pick him up from school he can get very stressed, for instance he forgot his hat, then cried his eyes out telling me he loved it and ran back in to find it. When he couldn't find it he was devastated and reluctant to come away from the school exit. I actually had to tell him a white lie and say it was in my bag, because he was going crazy and wouldn't leave. I explained later at home when he had calmed down why I had done this and he seemed to except it.

This sounds very similar to one of my autistic children. They're very sweet, overly compliant (to a fault) but very sensitive to lots of things physically and emotionally. I was constantly told it was 'normal' and school never flagged anything because they were quiet and got on with his work. They moved to shit downs once they started school which went unnoticed or were dismissed by staff. Trust your instincts if you have concerns. They weren't diagnosed until 12 but I knew from when they were a toddler.

That should say shut downs!

He sounds like he has perfectionist traits (as does my sensitive DS). I listened to a great podcast on the topic, so recommend a listen. The podcast is called Raising Good Humans and it’s very evidence based (interviewees tend to be academic researchers). The episode is called Mythbusting Perfectionism with a British academic called Thomas Curran, who speaks about his own unhelpful perfectionism.

Sounds like he has some sensory processing difficulties. Speak to the SENCO about a referral to occupational therapy re: difficulties tolerating noise, clothing and movement.

With the frustration/emotion this could have a number of causes but if there are lots of unaddressed sensory difficulties it may be exacerbating these/make them harder to address.

Oh bless you (and him). Maybe speak to your GP just to see if there are any other underlying issues but my child was very very similar and honestly I didn't know what to do. Their teacher with my permission referred them to MIND and honestly it has really helped. They work with you so that you are equipped and have the tools to help your son manage their emotions better. My child still has a long way to go but i have seen an improvement because honestly i know exactly what you're going through; it's exhausting for you and your son.

Thank you, he is really relaxed with all clothing apart from buttons and certain shoes. Noises he is fine with if he is the one making them, for instance he has an obsession with alarms and sensors. He knows so much intricate detail about some of his interests I struggle to keep up.
I feel sick to the stomach to think ds has been struggling, and that me and dh haven't addressed it in the right way. It is difficult because he has lulled us into a false sense of security by seeming so typical in a lot of areas, and some of it seemed to improve with age. My gut instinct is saying something isn't right. As the first step I will ring the GP on Tuesday morning, and also arrange to talk to his teacher.

Mmmmm i'm wondering autism tbh.

@Flowersfield thank you for your lovely reply and for sharing. I will definately arrange to talk to ds's teacher. It is certainly exhausting, people would always tell me "oh your ds is demanding" and "you've had a hard time with him" and even as a baby they would say he was "spirited" and "alert." I always just put it down to a personality type, but as he has gotten older and i see how my second child reacts I have realised something isn't right.