Is my 5 year old overreacting?

[biscoffonasunday]

Hi, this isn't really an AIBU but reposted this here for traffic, sorry!

Has anybody encountered a similar experience with their child? I have an almost 6 year old who is having difficulty regulating his emotions. He has always been very sensitive and been fearful of certain things. He is scared of the sound of hand dryers to the point he won't use a public bathroom, and refuses to go on escalators; he is fine with lifts. He hates buttons on tops, will wear his school .
uniform but really dislikes the buttons and fears I will fasten the top one (I never have and have never went to). He is very sensitive to new shoes and how they fit, will say they're tight even if they're fine. Some shoes he likes right away.

Ds is very well behaved generally, school have said he has an exceptionally good attitude; they haven't noticed anything of concern. However, when we tell him he has done something wrong (for instance if he is mean to his little brother or snatches something etc) he will overreact and get extremely upset. This will esculate to the point where he will retch, and almost throw up. It can be difficult to calm him down when he is in that state. We don't shout at him but tell him firmly it is wrong in the first instance. He hates being wrong and takes it very seriously to the point he can't accept it.

Ds will get very frustrated, and upset if something doesn't go his way. This could be a small detail on a computer game or something not working the way he would like. Any input appreciated, I feel abit worried, he is my first child so I haven't experienced this age before! His younger brother is so much more relaxed and a breeze in comparison, but I wonder if this is just a personality difference.

If anybody could shed any insight into this and if it is 'normal' behaviour I'd be very grateful.

Thank you

AIBU to worry or is this typical behaviour?

@pjani thank you, I will listen to the podcast. Yes he has such a high standard for himself. If he gets 4/5 instead of 5/5 on a test he is devastated. He will see the wrong answer underlined and focus on it and then say he has to get 5/5. The strange thing is all we do is praise ds, we don't put pressure on him and always tell him all he can do is try his best, and that he has done well etc.

I’m glad you’re calling school & GP as there are signs of autism that you are relating:

• sensory issues with clothing and noises
• meltdowns
• literal interpretations causing miscommunications/distress
• well behaved and bright at school
• passion & intricate memory for interests
• Emotion dysregulation (hyper sensitive)
• very rules oriented in everything
• difficulty comprehending why certain behaviours or things said are wrong or rude.

Try to show him that you make mistakes sometimes and it’s ok. It may help

Thanks, we try to. I had ds pretend to be the teacher and give me a test, and he enjoyed marking my answers wrong. I told him I made mistakes but it is okay as I tried my best. Every time he has a test and he worries, I say "did you try your best?" and he 'll say "yes" and then I say "well thats all you can do" and "well done." It seems to have helped him alittle and now he will repeat it and seems abit less worried.
I have noticed however he gets very upset with the idea of getting what they call 'thinking time' at school. There is a 3 warning system where they can get sent to another classroom for 'thinking time' and then receive a demerit on their epraise points. The teacher told ds he may get a first warning as he updated a computer during his computing class. This led to ds crying his eyes out in bed as he was going off to sleep. He got all worked up thinking he had a first warning and that if "they cant fix the computer" he would then "get a 2nd and then 3rd." He was so petrified and truly devastated. It was utterly heartbreaking to see him like that at only 5yrs old.

“but also finds it hard to except praise. He will tell us we aren't allowed to clap, not to talk, to stop singing or dancing etc.”

My 3 year old has always done this I’ve never heard anyone else say there child does this ! He will shout and put his hands over his ears if anyone claps or praises him in anyway. Is that concerning ? I’ve had a few other concerns about my child too but all family have dismissed them.

Just a tiny little thing but why not snip those top buttons off? Obviously not a 'cure all' by any means but if they are not there then it's one less thing to upset him. I hope life gets easier for him, and you of course.

@Ohdearnotagain76 Thank you for sharing your experience with your own dc. You said your 3rd child struggled to show empathy. Did you notice this when he was little too? I worry ds is struggling with this too. He seems to have little regard for others at times. For example he will climb on you to give you a cuddle but dig his elbows feet in you etc, I will tell him to be careful and that it hurts, but he'll do it again and again. He can be rough at times and not realise how it affects others. He also seems indifferent to his little brother's feelings, it can be upsetting to see my youngest run in excitedly to see ds1, and then he tell him to go away etc. On the other hand he is very nice to his friends at school and will hug and comfort them when they're upset. He has a lot of friends and doesn't seem to have an issue socially so far.

Yeah, another one here saying ASD. I'm autistic and so are my children. (To me) everything you've said points to ASD

really dislikes the buttons and fears I will fasten the top one (I never have and have never went to).

I agree with RobertaFirmino

Just cut them off. Also remove anything that's easily removed if it increases his stress levels. Can't tie shoelaces, buy shoes with velcro fastenings, that sort of thing.

It is possible for someone to only have sensory processing difficulties, but more likely for them to be co-morbid with other conditions.

This is a great explanatory booklet on sensory needs
www.falkirk.gov.uk/services/social-care/disabilities/docs/young-people/Making%20Sense%20of%20Sensory%20Behaviour.pdf?

I'd suggest you see a Paediatric Sensory Occupational therapist with your son, most are private nowadays, then you'll be able to follow a programme of things to help him, this is the best free resource I've found (so far !)
www.theottoolbox.com/

Oh, and get school uniform from the M&S autism range. I think it's called 'Easy Dressing'. Buttons on shirts are for decoration only - the shirt closes with Velcro. They shirts look perfectly normal on the outside but were a game changer for my son who couldn't touch buttons.

@Help14235 me neither! It is so strange isn't it? It is almost like they can't let go and have fun, it's awful as they're so little and should be carefree
Ds can have a giggle and joke in other ways but we aren't allowed to tickle him. He will sing sometimes on his own but never infront of us. When it is us however it is "Mammy daddy stop dancing, no singing no clapping i hate clapping" etc. His little brother however will sing all of the nursery rhymes, sing and dance. If I hadn't have had a second child I wouldn't have realised the difference.

It could be that he is highly sensitive

hsperson.com/test/highly-sensitive-child-test/

For example he will climb on you to give you a cuddle but dig his elbows feet in you etc, I will tell him to be careful and that it hurts, but he'll do it again and again.

He can't help it!

Ask the sensory OT to check for hypotonia and joint hypermobility, again it's a very common co-morbid.

My DD (now adult) was the same at that age, all hugs were so spiky! She dug her chin into my shoulder so hard it was painful for me, but she couldn't feel it was excessive pressure.

It was explained to me that the joints are looser in their sockets than other kids', so in order to move, the child has to make their joints more rigid to get them to do what they want them to.

If you are going down the NHS assessment route than push now as you could be waiting a few years. If things change or your concerns lesson in the meantime then you won’t have lost anything.

I went as far as going to GP when my DD was 6 to get her put on the pathway, and spoke to school (who didn’t have concerns). I started to doubt myself though - and maybe a bit of denial - and didn’t follow it through.

By the time she was 8 it had become much more obvious to me and I was kicking myself as we’d have been at the end of the two year waiting list if I’d persisted! (She was eventually diagnosed at 9, after falling apart so much mentally that we got fastracked a little)

We did also pay privately for an occupational therapist to do an assessment of her sensory needs, that has been really helpful.

I read this article recently and it resonated with me, I think it’s relevant regarding earlier diagnosis generally not just for girls

autisticgirlsnetwork.org/autism/five-years-old-a-happy-healthy-neurodivergent-child/

My DD (almost 6) has recently been diagnosed with ASD and I recognise some of these traits, particularly around praise - she would say don’t clap/cheer. Lots of standard parenting phrases don’t work with her, especially around consequences, so we have to take a different approach. The most important thing is to acknowledge whatever she is talking about, she needs to know she has been heard and understood before I then direct her in a different direction.

i also recognise some of those traits in myself and I have inattentive ADHD, particularly around rejection sensitivity and perfectionism, but don’t have ASD. If it’s possible to speak to someone about what your DS should be tested for rather just getting on a waiting list for ASD for example might be more helpful if there are various things going on or to rule them out (comorbidities).

It sounds like autism tbh, especially with the button/shoes things. The spectrum is very wide so it's not just a case of one shoe fits all for each diagnosis and each person with autism may have some traits other people with autism don't so I wouldn't just shut down that suggestion. Definitely ask school to have a look into it even if they think it's not possible.

My sister was never helped at school as they thought she wasn't on the spectrum but she got a diagnosis after school age

The dislike of noisy handdryers is common. You will need to manage that - e.g. on school trips make sure that there will be toilets that he can use that do not have handryers and the teachers understand. Plan ahead.

But the rest - lots of helpful comments above.

Thank you so much for the time you have all taken to read my post, and for the incredibly helpful advice given, and lovely compassionate replies, very much appreciated. I am feeling very upset atm and it has been very useful to read through similar experiences; it let's me know that I'm not catastrophising. It has opened my eyes to hear of children with similar trairs to ds1, and made me realise we are not alone. I'm going to take everybody's advice on board and follow up on the links and references provided. I will ring the GP on Tuesday and then school when it reopens. Hopefully things will improve.

really lets that should say

Aw he sounds a lot like my boy who was diagnosed with Sensory Processing Disorder. As a little boy he would shriek with joy, roar with rage, laugh until he couldn't breath etc... needed a long time to recover from upset. Would never wear jeans, all clothes had to be soft, and instantly "felt" things e.g. when Granny came to stay he reached up and stroked her arm and said "You're so soft, Granny".

There is a lot you can do to ease frustration for yourself and for him.

Firstly, I wouldn't call it "overreacting" because while it may seem that way to a neurotypical person, it isn't to him. For him it is his reality and he deserves to be respected for how he is rather than shamed for not be neurotypical. But you can help him to build a "toolbox" of coping mechanisms.

There is a brush you can get and there is a method of using it, you stroke the skin in downward strokes (never upward) and that literally calms them down. There is also a joint compressions thing you can do. We were taught these by a pediatric occupational therapist. We would do it 2 or 3 x a day and he would be settled.

Resistance is also very good practice. That is, swimming, running, pushing (scooter), pulling. So time on the playground, even 10mins, can do wonders for a "re-set". At primary school, the teachers would get my boy to help move furniture or carry books back to the library. He had a card of activities to pick from such as pop out to the playground and hang on the monkey bars for a few minutes when he felt a bit overwhelmed.

Things that overwhelm are busy shopping malls/markets, crowded and noisy places (classrooms!), contact sports. So don't take him shopping if you can avoid it. Also my boy needed to know exactly what was happening ie. we are going to the village to pick up xyz then we are driving to the swimming pool.

As he has grown and matured, he has become very good at managing his needs. He knows when he needs quiet time, he'll ask for a backscratch or a hug, he'll take off skateboarding when he needs to re-set.

But you can't wish this thing away, you cannot expect your child to morph into a child who doesn't have emotional reactions. You will crush him if you try to suppress who he is. Honestly, embrace it, celebrate it and become expert in the ways you and he can manage the tricky side. Because the flipside is that they are utterly gorgeous and hilarious and sensitive and loving! They see and feel things that many others miss.

nationalautismresources.com/the-wilbarger-protocol-brushing-therapy-for-sensory-integration/

By the way, it doesn't mean he is autistic. He may be, he may not, but it does sound as though he needs support with managing emotions and certain situations (as do you).

Oh, we had the hand-dryers thing too... I remember we were camping so we were in a shared bathroom block when he was 3. The hand dryer came on and he shot out the door like a rocket! Was so funny. Another time I turned on the spa bath accidentally when he was in it, he was about 18 months, and again, he shot out like a missile. His sister and I laughed so hard. To be fair, I hate hand dryers too, I mean they're pretty loud and obnoxious! Try not to take all this as a negative. We all have our quirks, we just have more knowledge about managing the more challenging quirks now. Your boy is still precious and beautiful and uniquely himself.

He sounds like a lovely boy. He sounds also very much like my youngest son who has autism.

Regardless of diagnosis you can work with him and experts to come up with coping/processing mechanisms . Whether or not the anxiety is a symptom of a wider condition it would still be beneficial to address it. Good luck. I’m sure you’re doing your absolute best.