Speaking another language

[Vevevoom]

I have a pet peeve that really riles me. I speak a second language, other than English and work in an extremely diverse environment so one expects to hear people speaking many different languages. Both Your work circle and friendship circles will speak different languages.
However, I have a friend, who whenever she comes to visit me or we meet, she tends to speak to her daughter in another language. Take note, her daughter speaks English fluently. Common language for them and for us (my daughter and myself)is English.

last night, after feeling quite annoyed for the umpteenth time sitting in their company, I had to listen to them having their own conversation, I commented that I don’t speak the language and don’t understand. She proceeds to say that’s ok. I just thought how rude of her. If I’m amongst others who don’t understand my second language, then I will revert back to English very quickly and apologize.

I think my friend is just being very rude, because people speak another language in your presence if they don’t want you to understand or they’re trying to hide something.

AIBU for feeling annoyed or should I’m just brush it off?

That does sound frustrating. Is it annoying you to the point where you think you might see your friend less? Maybe socialising with her less is one option to consider - I know it’s not a nice thing to have to think about, but perhaps a bit of distance will help things.

I'd make a point of inviting her somewhere along with another person and then spend my time whispering in the other person's ear and then bursting out laughing. If asked what we're laughing at, I'd just smirk and say it wasn't something that was needed to be shared with her.

It is rude to do that.

How ridiculous.

If you’re bringing up your child to speak your mother tongue fluently in an environment where they are not much exposed to it, you need to be really consistent about speaking to them in that language. I don’t think it’s unreasonable of your friend unless she is having full-blown conversations that exclude you. How old is the child?

I understand why you would feel this is rude. If English is the common language when you are together then I would expect that to be the language spoken. An exception to this might be if the mother is trying to ensure the other language is also being maintained - could that be the case? It can be really difficult if they are a family usually moving in English-speaking circles who are trying to ensure they don't 'lose' their other language. If the language they are speaking in your presence is their primary language it may also just be habit. Some multilingual families try to have a 'one parent one language' approach at all times, to ensure both languages are kept up to a good level.

It is very unnatural to speak to your children in a language other than the one you speak with them in, so I can see how if what she was saying to her dd was not something that concerned you in any way she would switch to the natural language to speak in.

I always feel very performative when speaking to my dc in a language that isn't our main one (we have two others). Almost like I'm putting on a show for others.

There’s a massive difference between her doing one parent, one language with a nursery/school age child vs speaking to an adult daughter - how old is her child?

How old is the child?

Teenager

This!! My DH sounds so weird speaking English to DD, even though he's a native speaker.

13 or 19? I imagine I’d be quite keen not to let the language slip with a child in secondary school who is probably quite strongly influenced by their peers.

Hmmm I've got friends who bring their children up multilingual but when they speak to their children in the "second" language it's just a quick sentence or two and then we're back to speaking in the common language. They wouldn't have a whole blown conversation in another language if the other person didn't understand!

Isn't trolling where someone writes something that's made up? What I wrote isn't made up, that's exactly what I'd do in OP's situation. And fortunately, I do not care what others think about me.

I think YABU. I only ever speak French with DS and he only ever speaks French to me, regardless of where we are or who’s around. We both also speak English fluently but it would be strange for us to speak something other than French to each other!

If there’s other people around I do tend to translate what we’re saying though.

Young teenager

How old is the daughter? As a mum of bilingual children I'm guilty of this because if I don't, they will revert to English and forget their second language / find it increasingly difficult to speak; it's a constant battle reminding them that they are 50/50 in terms of culture and language. It also depends on the length of the conversation. YANBU if they were talking for 15 minutes in a language you don't understand.

If your DS is very young then yes, but if older, like a teen, then am I still being unreasonable? I don’t think so.

Sorry cross post. Seeing as the daughter is a young teenager and not a young child, I think its quite rude.

You sound about 12.

I think it's rude.

I don't think it's rude if it's a short conversation but if it goes on for more than a few minutes then yes, YANBU

My sister has lived in Italy for 25 years, she often speaks Italian to her adult daughters when she's visiting us. They don't seem to realise they're doing it. It really doesn't bother me at all.

They're not trying to be rude, they just mentally default to Italian.