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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Speaking another language

55 replies

Vevevoom · 01/01/2023 18:21

I have a pet peeve that really riles me. I speak a second language, other than English and work in an extremely diverse environment so one expects to hear people speaking many different languages. Both Your work circle and friendship circles will speak different languages.
However, I have a friend, who whenever she comes to visit me or we meet, she tends to speak to her daughter in another language. Take note, her daughter speaks English fluently. Common language for them and for us (my daughter and myself)is English.

last night, after feeling quite annoyed for the umpteenth time sitting in their company, I had to listen to them having their own conversation, I commented that I don’t speak the language and don’t understand. She proceeds to say that’s ok. I just thought how rude of her. If I’m amongst others who don’t understand my second language, then I will revert back to English very quickly and apologize.

I think my friend is just being very rude, because people speak another language in your presence if they don’t want you to understand or they’re trying to hide something.

AIBU for feeling annoyed or should I’m just brush it off?

OP posts:
Phos · 01/01/2023 18:53

Hmmm interesting one. I think a long conversation is a bit rude and it might depend on the age of the child. I'd find it rude if two adults did it certainly. There is a school dad who always speaks to his children in French but usually just short things like "Wait before crossing the road!" if we happen to be walking in together. I've never batted an eyelid but I don't know if this is because I am fluent in French (but he doesn't know that)

Usernamenotallowed · 01/01/2023 18:59

Mu mum spoke to me in French exclusively when we lived in England until I got to 15 and peer pressure meant that I started to refuse to speak to her in French anymore. I thought I was rude that none of my friends understood. I quickly went from being truly bilingual to forgetting a lot of it and now I don't speak to anyone in French, not even my mum because I find it too hard. I think my French is average at best now and doing things like applying for my passport or any other paperwork is really hard for me. I really regret refusing to speak to my mum in French. As a teenager I think it's really important that they carry on speaking their language to each other all the time otherwise they will lose the habit of doing so.

PenanceAdair · 01/01/2023 19:00

Imagine you and your dc speak English but you both also know how to speak, let's say French too. However, you've never conversed in French and have only ever spoken English to each other. I'd imagine it would be very awkward and unnatural (and some might even say 'fake', especially dc) to start speaking French to your dc in the presence of others just because they don't understand English. The solution would then be to either limit what you say to your dc or to immediately translate what you've said. Or the person listening should realise that not every conversation is about them especially when nothing suggests you're speaking about them (judging from their normal relationship with you and/or body language).

ShonkyCat · 01/01/2023 19:07

I very rarely speak to my kids in the local language and when I do they don't like it because I don't speak it perfectly. I occasionally say something to them in English and then repeat it in the local language if I want to make sure that nobody listening gets the impression that I am trying to be secretive. But, like other posters have said, if you habitually speak to your child in one language it is really, really weird to speak to them in another language. Having said that, I wouldn't have a long conversation at the dinner table that I knew another person couldn't understand. But I see no problem with quick comments or questions/answers.

Yfory · 01/01/2023 20:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn - posted on wrong thread

Hi Nicky - if you want some answers, start your own thread. x

Nickylewis · 01/01/2023 20:43

Thank you I just figured out how to do it lol x

RockyOfTheRovers · 01/01/2023 20:50

It can sometimes just feel unnatural or uncomfortable. My husband speaks his first language with his mother and his main/strongest language with me and our children - he would really struggle to switch the other way round.
It’s not rude. Not every conversation is for everyone.

PomPomChatton · 01/01/2023 21:11

We only speak English to each other at home but if one of them brings a friend home from school (which is in French) then my kids know to swap to French as that is polite and makes guests feel welcome. They are primary age. Plus my experience of bilingual teenagers is that they can swap easily between languages depending on who they're with. So yes, I think your friend was excluding you, which is rude.

PenanceAdair · 01/01/2023 21:18

That said, it is uncomfortable when around people who speak a different language and you're left out of conversations (if it happens too many times in one go) because they keep speaking to each other and leaving you out, but not because they may be talking about you. It's uncomfortable but they're not exactly doing anything wrong except being slightly inconsiderate if they do it too much.

Keyansier · 02/01/2023 06:20

butterfliedtwo · 01/01/2023 18:37

You sound about 12.

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I'm not at all fussed over what you think!

Mamaneedsadrink · 02/01/2023 06:26

I have mixed feelings on this as I also speak two languages and thought it was really rude. Until I travelled alot and found it was much easier to speak in English as the other language doesn't come as easily to me anymore. It didn't mean anything other than just easier. I think in a group of three though it's a bit different as it's understandable you'd feel left out.
I also think it's not something we can give you advice on as it's quite a personal thing. If you find it rude/ uncomfortable and have told your friend, then they shouldn't do it anymore

Natty13 · 02/01/2023 06:33

I only speak to my children in my first language and my siblings do the same. It's the only way to guarantee they gain and maintain fluency.

Think about an English family living in Spain....they might all be fluent in Spanish but it would feel weird for them to sit and speak Spanish to each other wouldn't it I suppose.

Keyansier · 02/01/2023 06:40

Natty13 · 02/01/2023 06:33

I only speak to my children in my first language and my siblings do the same. It's the only way to guarantee they gain and maintain fluency.

Think about an English family living in Spain....they might all be fluent in Spanish but it would feel weird for them to sit and speak Spanish to each other wouldn't it I suppose.

If I were in an English family living in Spain and fluent in Spanish and was invited to a Spanish family home and the family weren't fluent in English, I wouldn't then start to converse in English with my family in front of them after they had invited us into their home, knowing they couldn't understand the conversation. It's so rude.

AgentJohnson · 02/01/2023 06:42

The second she stops speaking in the minority language to her child, especially a teenage one, the quicker both will revert to English and the fluency will be lost.

DD’s nursery were very keen that I spoke to her in Dutch which meant that she stopped speaking English to me and now 12 years later is no longer fluent.

This isn’t about you OP.

caramellandscape · 02/01/2023 06:43

That sounds frustrating! Do you 3 have conversations in English, though, before they default back to their own language? Maybe they feel they've already finished the polite communal conversation, so time to be natural again.

My mum and I speak a different native language from my partner. When she visits we will do the performative stilted "English for everyone" convo at dinner for a long-ish time, but we can only do it for so long before we just want to interact like normal humans again!

caramellandscape · 02/01/2023 06:46

My mates and I were actually invited round to a French friend's family home in France, and the family would do bits of English for us every now and then but would often lapse into French with each other over dinner and in general

caramellandscape · 02/01/2023 06:47

Sorry previous comment meant to quote @Keyansier

Keyansier · 02/01/2023 07:01

caramellandscape · 02/01/2023 06:46

My mates and I were actually invited round to a French friend's family home in France, and the family would do bits of English for us every now and then but would often lapse into French with each other over dinner and in general

Ok. But that's not quite the same though, is it? It's extremely rude, IMO, to speak in a language which excludes the host family of the home to which they've invited you to. And when they point out that they don't understand what you are saying, to dismissively respond "well, that's ok" is bang out of order.

Keyansier · 02/01/2023 07:01

I'd throw someone out of my house if they did that to me quite honestly.

Themind · 02/01/2023 07:02

If it was a really long conversation and was excluding you as you sat there in silence then YANBU but if it was a couple of minutes of. Can you check what homework you have and get your stuff together for school type conversation then YABU. Context is everything.

Lmgify · 02/01/2023 07:04

Wow I can’t believe how many of people thinks YABU. I think you are BU and it’s not about you, it’s about passing on your friends culture and language to her daughter and to do it in a consistent manner

I’m in England and speak a not very common mother tongue. My husband is English and I don’t have any family or friends who speak it. If I don’t converse with my kids in this language they’ll not get the opportunity to speak it at all. If a friend tells me not to speak it to my child I will be terribly offended and question how tolerant my friend is with my culture, and frankly, don’t be one of those people who tell them ‘it’s England speak English’

Lmgify · 02/01/2023 07:05

YANBU I meant, got my acronyms wrong

Lmgify · 02/01/2023 07:05

Urgh I meant I don’t have any local family, obvs my family speaks it…

caramellandscape · 02/01/2023 07:12

Keyansier · 02/01/2023 07:01

Ok. But that's not quite the same though, is it? It's extremely rude, IMO, to speak in a language which excludes the host family of the home to which they've invited you to. And when they point out that they don't understand what you are saying, to dismissively respond "well, that's ok" is bang out of order.

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I know this sounds convenient but when they came round to ours, they spoke loads in French to each other too, while we were all sat together (and I don't speak a whit)!

Think depends on context as another poster said. Are they really sitting around chatting and giggling with backs turned to OP for aaages, or is it shorter side conversations, unavoidable between family members? OP wrote "Common language for them and for us (my daughter and myself) is English." so presumably they must have had some English interaction as a trio. Question is how long?

Keyansier · 02/01/2023 07:21

caramellandscape · 02/01/2023 07:12

I know this sounds convenient but when they came round to ours, they spoke loads in French to each other too, while we were all sat together (and I don't speak a whit)!

Think depends on context as another poster said. Are they really sitting around chatting and giggling with backs turned to OP for aaages, or is it shorter side conversations, unavoidable between family members? OP wrote "Common language for them and for us (my daughter and myself) is English." so presumably they must have had some English interaction as a trio. Question is how long?

Show quote history

The OP said it's "whenever" she invites them round and after the "umpteenth" time she got annoyed. Those comments suggest it's not a short sentence here and there, and it actually happens quite frequently and for long periods of time, long enough to make the OP feel uncomfortable and uneasy in her own home.