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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Can’t afford to visit/don’t want to

72 replies

ModernMilliewantstoplay · 01/01/2023 09:20

We live 300 ish miles away from DH relatives. It’s a long expensive and difficult journey at the best of times. We then have to pay for hotel and it’s just not viable very often. We visited last year for a special birthday and literally only saw the family for a few hours. It cost us over £200 in travel costs plus the hotel. There is never any concern about our expenses although they are all considerably more wealthy than we are.

Now there is talk of another big meet up this year. Fuel has gone down a bit but the cost of living is higher and our energy bills are sky high. I don’t want to do it! I say it that way because yes we could just about afford to if we miss out on other things but it’s not what I want to spend the money on. Just to be clear that it’s not just me, my DH doesn’t ever want to go but falls into line because it’s what his family expect. I don’t really like many of them so there is that too. I honestly couldn’t care if I never saw them again. Getting DH to be truthful and explain we can’t afford it just won’t happen so how do I deal with this? I want to budget that money on other things that we can enjoy as a family not just spend out of duty and not enjoy.

OP posts:
kitcat15 · 01/01/2023 09:27

he can just go by himself if he wants to…if he doesn’t then that’s ok too ….what’s the problem ?

Devoutspoken · 01/01/2023 09:31

So you only want to visit family if they're down the road? I would turn it into a bigger trip, book advance train tickets, which are cheaper, visit other places nearby, turn it into something enjoyable

Nsky62 · 01/01/2023 09:33

Can they not visit?

LlynTegid · 01/01/2023 09:36

Try the getting them to visit I suggest.

I think your DH should be able to be honest with his family.

Willmafrockfit · 01/01/2023 09:39

can you stay in an air bnb?

Willmafrockfit · 01/01/2023 09:39

why can't the family put you up?

Willmafrockfit · 01/01/2023 09:40

if he doesnt want to go, say no more on the matter

PigeonPerchingOnMyWall · 01/01/2023 09:42

I wouldn’t bother visiting. It sounds like all you get from it is negative things - expense that’s too much of a stretch and not liking their company.
Is there anything positive you would get from visiting them? Are there other people you could visit at the same time? So, you could mentally make the trip about the other people rather than the in-laws?
In your shoes I really wouldn’t go though.

Devoutspoken · 01/01/2023 09:43

So you don't like most of them either? They can't all be that bad

Eilan50 · 01/01/2023 09:44

If it's too expensive then your DH can just go on his own. If they've no spare room then I imagine they have a sofa he can sleep on for a few night? We had to do this Ain the past with DH sibling living abroad and we couldn't afford to all go.

Or you invite them to you? Suggest dates and then the balls in their court

MintJulia · 01/01/2023 09:51

Your dh doesn't need to discuss your finances with them. Just say thank you for the invitation but you have manic work commitments and can't get away this year.

Fairydustandsparklylights · 01/01/2023 09:55

I completely understand where you’re coming from. Bills are high and discretionary spending is lower. You have the money but spending it on that would mean you can’t do something you actually want to do. It’s a tough one as it’s not that you can’t afford it, it’s that you don’t want to spend the money on that specifically. Invite them down to you. Problem solved 😃

Original poster
ModernMilliewantstoplay · 01/01/2023 10:34

Ok so they won’t come to us. That’s part of the problem for me - it is all so one sided and just expected that we will be the ones to travel. I suppose as we are the ones who live away and they are all there it makes sense but there is no effort in their part.
There is no room for us at his parents and no invitation to stay at any of the others. We did once but DH had to go on bended knees and ask - he doesn’t want to anymore. Plus we don’t like staying with them.
we’ve tried to tie other things in but with 3 youngish DC and school it’s not always possible as the family dictate the dates we must come!
I think it will have to be DH alone but I’ll get flack for that - it’s something I can totally handle though as I don’t like them enough to care what they think.

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 01/01/2023 10:40

If he doesn’t want to go then don’t go. I think the onus is usually on the people who move away to travel - if they care about maintaining those relationships.

You don’t, he doesn’t and they’re his actual relatives, so who cares about potential flak?

HideyHoe · 01/01/2023 10:46

yes, husband can go on his own if he so wishes.

Original poster
ModernMilliewantstoplay · 01/01/2023 10:46

Devoutspoken · 01/01/2023 09:43

So you don't like most of them either? They can't all be that bad

BIL1 - Meh
SIL1 - Meh
MIL - 100 times Meh
FIL - same as MIL
SIL2 - Over the top nice but not genuine and stabbed me in back a lot of times.
BIL2 - nice but shy
Nieces and nephews - all nice kids
Aunts and uncles - nice enough but I don’t miss them if that makes sense.

It’s the immediate family that are the problem and they’re the ones we mainly have to go to visit. They were all pretty rotten to me when I met DH and I’ve never been really accepted - more tolerated when it became clear I was staying around.

OP posts:
Anotheryearsameshitshow · 01/01/2023 10:47

Putting such financial pressure on your dh means they haven't really got love or respect for him imo. So why should he go?

Original poster
ModernMilliewantstoplay · 01/01/2023 10:50

Fairydustandsparklylights · 01/01/2023 09:55

I completely understand where you’re coming from. Bills are high and discretionary spending is lower. You have the money but spending it on that would mean you can’t do something you actually want to do. It’s a tough one as it’s not that you can’t afford it, it’s that you don’t want to spend the money on that specifically. Invite them down to you. Problem solved 😃

This is the thing. If it were much cheaper or free I’d go and do my duty. I’d smile and laugh and get through it. I’d even do it weekly if they were nearby, despite them not being my favourite people. It’s the effort time and money for something we don’t even enjoy which grates me. Taking away from things we do enjoy and want to do.

OP posts:
Devoutspoken · 01/01/2023 10:51

Make it enjoyable then

Original poster
ModernMilliewantstoplay · 01/01/2023 10:52

Willmafrockfit · 01/01/2023 09:40

if he doesnt want to go, say no more on the matter

He doesn’t want to but will do as he’s told as he doesn’t want to tell them no or know how to.

OP posts:
Devoutspoken · 01/01/2023 10:54

So in your ideal world you'd cut off connections with his side of the family, but your side are OK? Not 'meh'

Original poster
ModernMilliewantstoplay · 01/01/2023 10:54

LlynTegid · 01/01/2023 09:36

Try the getting them to visit I suggest.

I think your DH should be able to be honest with his family.

His family don’t do honest. All the contact is superficial. They don’t share real feelings or help one another. It’s alien to me as my family are very close.

OP posts:
Newusernameaug · 01/01/2023 10:55

When the date appears for the next gathering, just make sure you have something oh so important that weekend, keep repeating this every time an invitation is issued

NoSquirrels · 01/01/2023 10:55

ModernMilliewantstoplay · 01/01/2023 10:52

He doesn’t want to but will do as he’s told as he doesn’t want to tell them no or know how to.

Show quote history

This is an intractable issue, in that case.

You can tell him you’re not going. You can’t tell him he can’t go and you can’t tell him he can’t take the kids.

He can choose to upset you and spend money on this instead of what you’d prefer, if he thinks it’s important.

If he doesn’t want to go and agrees with you then he needs to speak up.

It’s not your decision, really.

MRex · 01/01/2023 10:55

"Sorry, we can't afford the trip this year. Any of you are welcome to visit us. X"