Page 3 | Can’t afford to visit/don’t want to

ModernMilliewantstoplay · 2023-01-01T09:20:45+00:00

We live 300 ish miles away from DH relatives. It’s a long expensive and difficult journey at the best of times. We then have to pay for hotel and it’s just not viable very often. We visited last year for a special birthday and literally only saw the family for a few hours. It cost us over £200 in travel costs plus the hotel. There is never any concern about our expenses although they are all considerably more wealthy than we are. Now there is talk of another big meet up this year. Fuel has gone down a bit but the cost of living is higher and our energy bills are sky high. I don’t want to do it! I say it that way because yes we could just about afford to if we miss out on other things but it’s not what I want to spend the money on. Just to be clear that it’s not just me, my DH doesn’t ever want to go but falls into line because it’s what his family expect. I don’t really like many of them so there is that too. I honestly couldn’t care if I never saw them again. Getting DH to be truthful and explain we can’t afford it just won’t happen so how do I deal with this? I want to budget that money on other things that we can enjoy as a family not just spend out of duty and not enjoy.

ichundich · 01/01/2023 12:18

I have the same issue with my family. Admittedly I was the one who moved away. We've just come back from 12 days with them, it cost a grand just for the travel and didn't feel like a proper holiday / nice Christmas because we've had to abide by their rules / schedule, and everything is always the same. I feel sorry for my kids, who've missed out on many foreign holidays and experiences as a result. Have decided to just not go anymore, but to spend the money on things we enjoy as a family, new places, etc.

Teatime55 · 01/01/2023 12:43

We’ve also had the issue of friends/family from his home town going on holiday very close to us and not bothering to tell us.
One of DHs friend spent a week in the town I work in, 15 minutes away. Didn’t tell us until he got home and then pretended he didn’t know it was close.

we once took DD to an event which was 90 minutes drive from his home town and we got grief for years about ‘not popping in and seeing everyone’, which would have meant missing the event. They’re all quite happy to drive 10 minutes past our house and not make the effort. So I won’t.

2bazookas · 01/01/2023 12:47

If DH won't tell his family you can't afford it, then you can.

"Sorry (MIL/FIL/BIL/SIL, ) DH and I are not going to come because things are really tight for DH and me just now and we're watching every penny. Onward and upward ! . Hope you all have a great time, DIL "

Original poster

ModernMilliewantstoplay · 01/01/2023 12:51

Teatime55 · 01/01/2023 12:43

We’ve also had the issue of friends/family from his home town going on holiday very close to us and not bothering to tell us.
One of DHs friend spent a week in the town I work in, 15 minutes away. Didn’t tell us until he got home and then pretended he didn’t know it was close.

we once took DD to an event which was 90 minutes drive from his home town and we got grief for years about ‘not popping in and seeing everyone’, which would have meant missing the event. They’re all quite happy to drive 10 minutes past our house and not make the effort. So I won’t.

This! DH parents several times and on a separate occasion his DB have been within 20 mins of us and not come by! It literally made my blood boil at the time and I was upset for my DH that they couldn’t make the effort. DH asked his parents one time and they said they had to get back so didn’t have time - they’re retired.

OP posts:

Original poster

ModernMilliewantstoplay · 01/01/2023 12:53

Also we were near them for an event but hadn’t got sufficient transportation to get to their house as we’d travelled to the event by public transport. We invited them to come see us 15 mins away and they declined!

OP posts:

Teatime55 · 01/01/2023 13:01

I feel there is a point you can’t win. There was a year pre-children when I personally went up somewhere like 10 times (several anniversary’s, weddings etc) and we did nothing else that year. DH then went up a few more times for things like stag dos.
That Christmas we were told we made no effort and only came up ‘once or twice’. It was a tipping point because we realised it made no difference how much we went, we couldn’t win because we wouldn’t move there.
You might as well be in the wrong and have more fun. We started going on holiday a lot from that point. Wish we’d done it sooner.

CovertImage · 01/01/2023 13:02

Devoutspoken · 01/01/2023 09:43

So you don't like most of them either? They can't all be that bad

It's a common thing on MN where everyone is a bastard except for the OP - and her own family of course - and no-one ever questions that it might just be the OP who's a dick

Original poster

ModernMilliewantstoplay · 01/01/2023 13:33

CovertImage · 01/01/2023 13:02

It's a common thing on MN where everyone is a bastard except for the OP - and her own family of course - and no-one ever questions that it might just be the OP who's a dick

Show quote history

It’s also a common theme in real life that you have some people and some families that are toxic. Sometimes a nice person can be bullied and excluded through no fault of their own and it’s a culture shock. Sounds like you’ve got lucky and not experienced this. Yeah I could be a dick and you will never know but on mumsnet you have to judge the post by the info given. You might just be a troll but I don’t know that do I.

OP posts:

bellac11 · 01/01/2023 13:40

I would echo what others are saying, just say no if you dont want to go.

But just on a practical note I never really understand why people stay in hotels, they're so expensive when a self catering unit or annex/airbnb is much more reasonable

The problem also with saying its money that is the cause of you not going, someone will no doubt (even if reluctantly) offer to put you up and you dont really want that!

fancyacuppatea · 01/01/2023 13:40

It's just a shame that you're already booked up that weekend/week/month with stuff for the kids/your family/your hobby/cleaning the toilet.

YOU don't want to go, HE doesn't want to go.
DON'T GO.

Bollocks to the flack. Each message/phonecall/text moaning to him about lack of attendance not doing what he's been told to do by him mum is a quid...stick each quid in a jar...is that enough to pay for your attendance? I suspect not.

If they can't find room to host you and won't come to you, stop trying.

RampantIvy · 01/01/2023 13:54

Getting DH to be truthful and explain we can’t afford it just won’t happen so how do I deal with this?

Why do some people find this so difficult? I'm not too proud to tell someone that something is outside of my budget. Your DH needs to grow a spine and either go on his own or tell them he isn't going.

Original poster

ModernMilliewantstoplay · 01/01/2023 14:05

Teatime55 · 01/01/2023 13:01

I feel there is a point you can’t win. There was a year pre-children when I personally went up somewhere like 10 times (several anniversary’s, weddings etc) and we did nothing else that year. DH then went up a few more times for things like stag dos.
That Christmas we were told we made no effort and only came up ‘once or twice’. It was a tipping point because we realised it made no difference how much we went, we couldn’t win because we wouldn’t move there.
You might as well be in the wrong and have more fun. We started going on holiday a lot from that point. Wish we’d done it sooner.

Yes. We felt like no matter how often it was never good enough so what’s the point. They now see us so much less than if they’d been gracious (and nicer). Also the attitude of “you moved away so tough” is very unbecoming and alienates people.

OP posts:

GenderNormans · 01/01/2023 14:09

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ at the request of the OP.

winningeasy · 01/01/2023 14:16

Don't go. They sound toxic. Just don't bother making any plans and last minute make up an excuse. Something health related so they can't really argue

WallaceinAnderland · 01/01/2023 14:16

I wouldn't be making this trip. I would just say, we're not able to join you this time but you are of course welcome to arrange a visit here some time if you'd like to see us.

Possibly add that alternatively, you can have a family zoom catch up if anyone wants to.

Choconut · 01/01/2023 14:47

I can't think of any reasons for you to go. He can go if he wants and he can take the children if he wants. If his family don't treat you well then you have absolutely no obligation towards them - does he even stand up for you?

Eilan50 · 01/01/2023 14:53

Also the attitude of “you moved away so tough” is very unbecoming and alienates people.

This is unfortunately quite a common attitude particularly with parents who's DC move away. However it's also the reason many parents with DC living a distance make sure they always have a spare room so their family can visit.
When I was a child we lived 3 hrs away from family but my siblings and I always slept in my Nana's spare room and my parents on a sofa bed in her living room.
What's unusual in your case it the parents cannot put their family up when they visit. Family should not be expected to stay in hotels

RampantIvy · 01/01/2023 15:49

However it's also the reason many parents with DC living a distance make sure they always have a spare room so their family can visit.

It's the reason why we bought a 4 bedroom house, so that when MIL came to stay or my sister with her DC came to visit we had room to accommodate them. And they did visit.

winningeasy · 01/01/2023 16:08

Yeah it's outrageous no one goes out their way to put you up, fuck them!

SeemsSoUnfair · 01/01/2023 17:51

As one of 5 siblings all married, ime sometimes, for whatever reason some inlaws just won't get on. My mum/dad had 5 SIL/DIL, got on great with 2 DIL and 2 SIL who were all very different types of people but everyone accepted each other as they found them and got on well, never in each others pockets but had fun when we did meet up. My siblings got on with their spouses family too.

Then there was one SIL where it all went wrong. Suddenly my family were accused of being unwelcoming, standoff-ish, not close like her family, and "up our own arses" 🤦🏻‍♀️. Mum/Dad were at a bit of a loss as they didn't (initially) think of or treat her any different to the others they (believe they) warmly welcomed but for whatever reason both parties didn't gel and over time the relationship just petered off to LC, which was probably best all around. Mum/dad missed their son so much, but didnt say much about it and invited/looked forward to occasional visits and tried to keep a low profile, terrified not to rock what seemed like a very sensitive boat. SIL would tell anyone who listened that it was delibrate exclusion from day 1. They felt they just couldnt do right for doing wrong. Being in the area and not visiting is something they might have done as they didnt know how dropping in would work out. 🤷🏻‍♀️

30 years on I think she just had high expectations of having a very close relationship and needed constant validation and we were the exact opposite and it was just an untenable incompatitibily. We now see them together once a year and it is awkward, always on her terms and we do it just to keep in touch.

Not saying yours if the same situation op, but whatever the reason for your poor relationship with your inlaws they are your dhs family, encourage him to visit them himself if he wants to and if you cant face it then dont go.

Original poster

ModernMilliewantstoplay · 01/01/2023 21:52

SeemsSoUnfair · 01/01/2023 17:51

As one of 5 siblings all married, ime sometimes, for whatever reason some inlaws just won't get on. My mum/dad had 5 SIL/DIL, got on great with 2 DIL and 2 SIL who were all very different types of people but everyone accepted each other as they found them and got on well, never in each others pockets but had fun when we did meet up. My siblings got on with their spouses family too.

Then there was one SIL where it all went wrong. Suddenly my family were accused of being unwelcoming, standoff-ish, not close like her family, and "up our own arses" 🤦🏻‍♀️. Mum/Dad were at a bit of a loss as they didn't (initially) think of or treat her any different to the others they (believe they) warmly welcomed but for whatever reason both parties didn't gel and over time the relationship just petered off to LC, which was probably best all around. Mum/dad missed their son so much, but didnt say much about it and invited/looked forward to occasional visits and tried to keep a low profile, terrified not to rock what seemed like a very sensitive boat. SIL would tell anyone who listened that it was delibrate exclusion from day 1. They felt they just couldnt do right for doing wrong. Being in the area and not visiting is something they might have done as they didnt know how dropping in would work out. 🤷🏻‍♀️

30 years on I think she just had high expectations of having a very close relationship and needed constant validation and we were the exact opposite and it was just an untenable incompatitibily. We now see them together once a year and it is awkward, always on her terms and we do it just to keep in touch.

Not saying yours if the same situation op, but whatever the reason for your poor relationship with your inlaws they are your dhs family, encourage him to visit them himself if he wants to and if you cant face it then dont go.

I can see how that happens. Not everyone will get along. We had it in my family with my DB now ex. She was my friend first and I really liked her but as a SIL and DIL to my parents she was a nightmare. Sometime someone just isn’t a good fit. Difference was my DB ex didn’t make an effort and made it very clear from the outset that she didn’t want to be around my family. He would encourage us NOT to visit even though they lived just up the road. When
he visited us she would text or call and he would make excuses and scuttle off. I on the other hand have made a lot of effort with my in-laws but just never knew why they didn’t like me. I used to let it upset me but now I don’t. I’m distanced. My face didn’t fit for some reason.

OP posts:

JudgeRudy · 02/01/2023 00:24

I might be reading too much into this but I doubt your husband would go on his own. Whilst I accept that we all expect to have to put ourselves out a bit for family, it all sounds a bitbone sided if they won't return your visits. If money wasn't a major concern I'd be inclined to suck it up but if visiting them means you don't for example get some trips out with the children orneed to be cold each evening to pay for it I'd be inclined to give it a miss. No need to be rude or fall out. Just explain things are too tight atm.