Can’t afford to visit/don’t want to

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We live 300 ish miles away from DH relatives. It’s a long expensive and difficult journey at the best of times. We then have to pay for hotel and it’s just not viable very often. We visited last year for a special birthday and literally only saw the family for a few hours. It cost us over £200 in travel costs plus the hotel. There is never any concern about our expenses although they are all considerably more wealthy than we are.

Now there is talk of another big meet up this year. Fuel has gone down a bit but the cost of living is higher and our energy bills are sky high. I don’t want to do it! I say it that way because yes we could just about afford to if we miss out on other things but it’s not what I want to spend the money on. Just to be clear that it’s not just me, my DH doesn’t ever want to go but falls into line because it’s what his family expect. I don’t really like many of them so there is that too. I honestly couldn’t care if I never saw them again. Getting DH to be truthful and explain we can’t afford it just won’t happen so how do I deal with this? I want to budget that money on other things that we can enjoy as a family not just spend out of duty and not enjoy.

Just don't go, all this angst over visiting people you don't like very much. And who is going to give you 'flack' for not going? If it's your DH then he needs to grow up and accept the situation. He can visit on his own or take a weekend/evening job to earn more money to pay for the travel if that's the main issue.
We go for years without seeing our family (adult siblings) ... not because of money but because of distance and the fact that, apart from a shared history, we have nothing in common.

They get in months and months in advance so as to trap us. It’s a skill of theirs. Like save the date. Husband won’t just make up something to get out of it. I need to get ahead of it somehow.

Well, if you don't want to go ..... don't go. It's that simple. This visit is not compulsory, and so the financial aspect is irrelevant.

How can a grown adult not know how to tell his family that you can't visit ... how hard is it to say 'sorry Mum with the increase in bills etc we just can't afford to make the long trip'. Or 'sorry Dad, little Johnny's got SAT tests/GCSEs/Scout camp and we can't make that weekend'.
He sounds like a frightened child who doesn't want to upset his mummy.

You don't even need an excuse. Just say "thank you for the invitation, but we won't be joining you on this occasion". Then no further discussion.

Actually yes. I have played nice for a large number of years despite being treated like shit. My family are warm and inviting to partners no matter what. No one is perfect and of course I’m biased but DH family are mostly cold and at times unpleasant.

Oh what good advice I bet OP never thought of that!

Pretty much sums it up to be honest.

Buy your DH the book "Toxic Parents" and book him some therapy. Expensive but worth it.

Oh trust me I’ve tried. We’ve booked nice things for while we are there but that’s just more money now isn’t it. The fact is we’ve done our dutiful visits for years on end and made the best of a chore but it’s now unaffordable on top.

Just be honest, say with the increase in the cost of living and commitments you already have finding the money for petrol and a hotel is too much, suggest a time where you could incorporate visiting with a planned trip elsewhere perhaps or ask if they can make arrangements for you to stay this time

This is the real reason so make some decisions based on that for the long term.

Don’t make excuses about COL - because you will need a new excuse next year.

Its up to you both if you want LC or NC - as a family, a couple, just your DH and/or the grandchildren.

Be clear what you each want and what the implications are for maintaining contact as determined by the family currently, shifting it to another LC dynamic (less often, less of you, on a rota) or going NC.

Decide what suits your family for now.

Seems that there is lots of frustrations and disappointments not just with the family but with your DH?

DH speaks to his siblings a few times a year and mainly via the occasional text. They’re not exactly close. I don’t want to be the cause of further divide but they have nothing in common either.

Keep out of their dynamic let it fade if that’s what’s going on for your DH.

"Im sorry we can't afford it"
"I'm sorry we already have other commitments on that date"
"I'm sorry that doesn't work for us"

None are difficult to say. It's an invitation not a summons and if you aren't bothered about not seeing them again, you don't need to worry about any arsy blow back.

Would your DH go on his own or is he worried about upsetting his family by saying that you can't all come? Maybe his family would enjoy just spending time with him and not all of you? My DM has (discretely) confided in me that she much prefers to see her adult DC on their own without assorted ILs and DGC. She does make everyone very welcome but I know she enjoys it far more one-to-one.

Yes. If they were nice I’d spend the money. I visit a dear friend who lives a long distance away without a thought.
Yes there are problems with DH for me. His inability to even have a simple and reasonable conversation with his family about anything just makes me respect him less. Also the way they’ve treated me and sometimes him, has made me fantasise about divorce. Meaning I’d never have to see or speak to them again.

I’ve already gone LC so I suppose I’ll just not go and they seriously won’t miss me. I doubt they’d even ask how I am. I’ve resisted this option all these years as I wanted to support DH and not make him go alone but I’m emotionally done with it and it will be less expensive for him to go alone and sleep on a couch.

Maybe you could all get covid days before the trip?

We lived a similar distance from my in-laws and we used to go several times a year (staying with them) and DH on his own several more. No one appreciated the cost, the use of annual leave and the effort it took. All they did was complain we didn’t basically go every weekend.
No one came to us. No one offered us any hospitality beyond his parents and now they’ve passed away, we get complaints we don’t go. No one offers us somewhere to stay or even a meal. In fact it’s difficult to get people to get people to meet up with us as they think we can just come again, next week.
Ive not been for years now. DH is very disappointed. He went up for a funeral and everyone’s behaviour was just so poor he’s lost interest in going.

Don’t let this situation pollute your marriage.

I had a similar situation - but they were around the corner.

I just stopped going.

Everyone was relieved.

My MIL didn’t like me - as you say never asked or cared that I wasn’t there.

DH carried on - it’s his mother.

Have zero guilt. I didn’t see her for the 5 years before her death. Best days for all - much easier

I could have written all that myself! We too made monumental effort for a long time and it was mostly every single month. We still got moaned at that it wasn’t enough and heaven forbid we missed a month. Some things happened which meant it was reduced significantly after about 4 years of monthly visits and then since it’s only been 2-3 a year. Since covid it’s been once a year but that’s still too much for me now. And yes we’ve had the same with people being unavailable when they knew we were coming. Then moaning they haven’t seen us.

The really sad thing is I was always very malleable in the early years and eager to be part of their family. I wanted to be accepted and feel comfortable. If only they’d have embraced me and been kind rather than cold, unfriendly and sometimes downright rude and nasty, we may have even moved closer to them geographically but certainly would have visited so much more over the years than we do.

You know what? Life is too short to be worrying about people who dont care about you.

"we cant afford to come to you this year, would love to see you if you are in our neighbourhood though"

leaves it friendly

but seriously, start withdrawing little by little, not ghosting, just 'fading'

You’re right. And I have been doing that. Fading out - not that they notice. I do feel bad for my DH as I always made the effort for him but I have to protect my own sanity and also now our finances more than before.