He don't cook

[Generalstuff42023]

Me and the kids dad are not together. But we still see each other. He stays over some times we do family days out in the summer. Meals out as a family. Because its been Xmas and he's got a bit of extra time of work. He's stayed a bit longer than normal. Generally we get on.

But this is my AIBU. In the 8 years he has only ever cooked a family meal at Xmas time. (Apart from this year) Nothing through the year what so ever . When he stays a couple of nights. he will pay for take away which is nice. But I sort of feel cheated. Because I always have to cook. Yes I can choose to get a take away now and then. But my childish side is thinking he has it so easy.

I think that's very different if things are shared.

As a teacher of English with 20 years’ experience: be quiet. Nobody asked you to mark their homework for grammatical errors. So bloody rude. Genuinely astounded that you think it’s acceptable to reply to a complete stranger (without knowing their background) criticising their use of the ‘3rd person singular of “do”.’ 🙄

OP: if he can’t cook and won’t cook then that’s an unacceptable lack of basic life skills from a grown adult. It’s not reasonable. The question is whether you allow him to keep being so pathetic that he can’t cook food or if you tell him that the time has come for him to start to get his arse in gear.

Yes I get that . And I don't want them to think its normal. That's why they have to they have to take their plates out scrape and wash them. They also have to take their washing up make put them away . And other bits here and there. I always talk about how we should help each other because its kind.

I have given simple examples like if I get this tub of lego and I pour it all over the floor then tell you ti pick it up. How would you feel . And they were able to say sad , fed up, annoyed. And i told them that's how I feel if that happens to me.

With the kids dad tonight I thought he had actually scraped his plate and cleaned it. Ds came and said mummy there is food leaking out of the paper bag. I then said to his dad where did you scrap your food . He says in the white bag. I said so you did not think to scrape it in the bin like everyone else. His reply was well I didn't know. Then he continued to watch TV. And I semi firmly told him to go and sort it all out . Anyway my point is I had to tell him of like a child. So my kids do see he don't get away with it.

Don’t treat him like a child. Like his mother does. He does it or don’t feed him. Simples.

Shut up.

I didn't even know wtf she was talking about so the effort was wasted. I shall post all over MN with my shitty spelling and grammar for many years to come

Depends. Does he do other stuff? My DP barely cooks, but he does do more cleaning and laundry than me.

In support of the OP, and while I'm here I'll say I taught English for 43 years and feel it's out of order to correct an OP's SPAG.

I'll quote that peerless wordsmith George Meredith: "Kissing don't last, cookery do."

I would think that the doing of the laundry hardly weighs here as these are short visits.

OP: order more pricey takeaways.

No not often .. he did hoover the stairs and landing on Xmas eve.

It's all well and good having nice days out etc but he is treating you like a skivvy. You are basically still in a relationship and skating on thin ice if receiving any benefits as a lone parent or single person council tax rebate too.

You cook and clean up after him. Does he financially contribute, not just maintenance for his children but towards the food, electricity and water he uses whilst at yours or are you footing the bill for that too? What happens when either of you move on and start new relationships? The current arrangement won't work then.

I kinda admire him.

On the nights his mummy doesn't do the cooking and cleaning up for him, he's managed to get the ex to (still) do it instead

Just tell him - no more takeaways, they are bad for us. Cook something healthy please. And clean up after yourself.

Hes not here like he used to be its only a bit extra recently because of Xmas. And he's spending a bit of extra time also because he's having a brain operation at the start of February. It's 3 months recovery so its going to be hard to see the kids. Apart from that he stays 1 or 2 nights ever 6 weeks. Although it has crept up a bit over the past couple of months but I think that was due to mix up of dates for his op.

He does not give me anything towards his stay. I think he would if I asked I never thought about it. He does moan it's cold. But I won't put heating on.

You are not together, it is none of your business whether he cooks or not. You don’t have to cook for him.

You don't get it .....

This.

Generalstuff42023
When I wrote that I don't cook but do mostly everything else, I somehow knew you would come back and say he doesn't do other stuff either. I think you might have to accept that he doesn't cook, but he needs to make up for it by doing other stuff while you cook. He could still provide a meal instead of actually cooking and he can help decide what to have, shop for the ingredients, help with prep and clearing up after. As well as a few other jobs

You can't really dictate the behaviour of a casual sex partner. If you don't like his behaviour in the home, don't host him.

Hes lucky if he gets sex 5/6 times a year

Hang on! You cook for him and he does bugger all round the house then you shag him and send him back to mummy? But you’re not together?
Time to get some boundaries OP.
He can see his kids. Have a relationship with them. That’s all. He is an ex.

Hes lucky if he gets sex 5/6 times a year

Oh he prob does, just from other people.

Why are you doing this OP? Do you seriously find someone attractive when they behave this way? I'm baffled.

It's really hard to explain on MN. No matter how I try and explain the situation. Its going to be misunderstood. Or not the done thing, or not fit in a neat little box. Or not done the mumsnet way.

I think people understand you, OP, they just don't see your situation in the same way as you. Did you want other perspectives or did you just want people to agree with you? Posters usually post because they want a different POV.

It's admirable that you're trying to do things together for your kids, the cost of this is tolerating your kids' dad's apparent immaturity and incompetence. From an internet stranger's perspective, this sounds like an unhealthy dynamic and one that is keeping you all stuck. It sounds like the stakes will be raised after his brain operation too...

It's for you to decide whether this is good enough for you and your family or whether you want more out of life than this.

This is a very odd situation and doesn't sound healthy particularly for the children. What happens when yone if you gets a partner? Still gonna do the family outings and meals together? I think him not cooking is the least of your problems here.