Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is this how relationships start these days?

92 replies

WatchtoomuchTV · 31/12/2022 16:01

DD is (just) 18, intelligent, sensible, but not very streetwise.
A boy (says he's 17) from a village about 40 minutes' drive away has seen DD's photo on her friend's snapchat.
DD's friend doesn't know this boy but happily accepts all followers. Nobody knows him.
DD has told me (nervously) that she has been talking with this boy for about 2 weeks and they have a date planned. She drives; he doesn't. She'll be driving to a town near to where he lives and they'll be spending the day at the shopping centre there.
DH is worried, and now I am, about how a boy who was scrolling through snapchat could just pick my DD out and now be planning a date with her.
He sounds really decent - and I've watched too much "Murder on CCTV" - but now my DH has got me worried.
YABU - I need to relax; this is how young people meet these days.
YANBU - We need to monitor this carefully.

OP posts:
Allthegoodnamesarechosen · 31/12/2022 16:04

Is he a boy? Or is he a man saying he is a boy? Please don’t let your daughter go alone to meet someone who no one you know has set eyes on.

CleoandRalf · 31/12/2022 16:06

It’s very common with teens, and adults alike. Many celebs start dating this way just being shown each others insta accounts and linking up that way.

I’d just make sure she has had a video chat with him before going just in case.

Original poster
WatchtoomuchTV · 31/12/2022 16:06

Allthegoodnamesarechosen · 31/12/2022 16:04

Is he a boy? Or is he a man saying he is a boy? Please don’t let your daughter go alone to meet someone who no one you know has set eyes on.

He has been sending her photos of the work he's been doing for an A level course and it looks genuine. I don't think he'd have been able to get that if he wasn't genuinely doing the course.
They would be meeting in a public place (the shopping centre) - and I've told her that the second he attempts to get her on her own she is to make her excuses.
Still worried, though...

OP posts:
Yellowflowerr · 31/12/2022 16:06

To be honest, this isn’t much different from dating sites like tinder etc? What would be smart though would be for them to simply meet up in a public place in the daytime etc and girls her age usually have friends who they’ve told their location to etc to confirm they’re ok. Then it’s no different from a tinder date.

Jimboscott0115 · 31/12/2022 16:08

Unfortunately yes, this is extremely common nowadays, friends of friends of friends see a snap story or insta story and get chatting that way.

You're not being unreasonable though because it is quite worrying in a way (my DD is 17, almost 18 - I get it!) But then when you think about it, is it any different then when we used to go out in town, meet someone after drinking and then get their number? It's basically the same thing, but I agree it does feel a bit scarier!

CleoandRalf · 31/12/2022 16:09

Allthegoodnamesarechosen · 31/12/2022 16:04

Is he a boy? Or is he a man saying he is a boy? Please don’t let your daughter go alone to meet someone who no one you know has set eyes on.

You don’t understand the concept of online dating do you.

CleoandRalf · 31/12/2022 16:10

WatchtoomuchTV · 31/12/2022 16:06

He has been sending her photos of the work he's been doing for an A level course and it looks genuine. I don't think he'd have been able to get that if he wasn't genuinely doing the course.
They would be meeting in a public place (the shopping centre) - and I've told her that the second he attempts to get her on her own she is to make her excuses.
Still worried, though...

Show quote history

Unless she also wants alone time surely?

weird how much instruction you’re giving your adult daughter who is going on a date.

Original poster
WatchtoomuchTV · 31/12/2022 16:12

CleoandRalf · 31/12/2022 16:10

Unless she also wants alone time surely?

weird how much instruction you’re giving your adult daughter who is going on a date.

Show quote history

It's her first experience; she's never had a boyfriend before. And nobody we or she knows knows him. Of course I'm encouraging caution!

OP posts:
Stressedmum2017 · 31/12/2022 16:13

You are aware she's an adult arent you? You are totally babying her - probably why she's not streetwise at all.

CleoandRalf · 31/12/2022 16:14

WatchtoomuchTV · 31/12/2022 16:12

It's her first experience; she's never had a boyfriend before. And nobody we or she knows knows him. Of course I'm encouraging caution!

Show quote history

You can encourage caution, but if she is comfortable being alone and wants to then surely you can understand that it’s a bit unreasonable and ott to tell her to make her excuses.

BackBeatTheWord · 31/12/2022 16:15

I deal with teenagers alot and yes it's fairly common. For many of them social media is basically like a casual form of online dating. It doesn't mean there aren't risks involved but no more than if she met a guy through tinder or another app.

I would expect her to take the same precautions as she would when meeting anyone new (whether she first had contact in a bar, online dating, mutual friend or social media). Meet in a public place, don't rely on him to get home, or offer to drive him home. Make sure you can leave early if you're uncomfortable etc.

WinterFoxes · 31/12/2022 16:17

Suggest a Zoom first and maybe ask her if you can bring her a drink so you catch a glmipse of him (just so you would know what he looked like if anything happened.

Ensure they meet in a public place. Explain to her that she mustn't under any circumstances offer him a lift in the car. She needs to know him much better first and if he is a decent person he will totally understand why.

Do they have any friends in common irl, such as the girl whose snapchat he saw? If so could they meet up in a group for a coffee or a drink?

JudgeRudy · 31/12/2022 16:18

Whilst it's great you are showing an interest in your daughter's safety I think you're being rather naive to imagine most dates are with people someone 'knows'. When I was that age it was common to meet a lad at a party or in a pub, get chatting then go on a date. It's just the same really, same as OLD. The lad has 'spotted' her, been attracted and started conversation. She's felt attracted to him and they've arranged a date. ....in a shopping centre, not midnight down the woods. Is this her first date (that you know about?). You need to back off and chill a bit.
I'd be more concerned about her driving.

CleoandRalf · 31/12/2022 16:19

WinterFoxes · 31/12/2022 16:17

Suggest a Zoom first and maybe ask her if you can bring her a drink so you catch a glmipse of him (just so you would know what he looked like if anything happened.

Ensure they meet in a public place. Explain to her that she mustn't under any circumstances offer him a lift in the car. She needs to know him much better first and if he is a decent person he will totally understand why.

Do they have any friends in common irl, such as the girl whose snapchat he saw? If so could they meet up in a group for a coffee or a drink?

Jesus Christ, please do not offer to turn up on your adult daughters first date with a drink.

arethereanyleftatall · 31/12/2022 16:19

It's a far better way than when I was 18 and pulling a complete stranger in a bar who I could barely see through my pissed beer goggles and taking them home for a shag.

FrostyFifi · 31/12/2022 16:20

Honestly some of the suggestions here would be more appropriate for a younger teen, not a young woman.

Chickychoccyegg · 31/12/2022 16:21

This is completely normal these days, my teenage dds and their friends have met people through Snapchat/Instagram.
You really need to let her get on with it, she's sensibly meeting in a public place, but even if she'd met him in a bar neither her nor her friends would know him, thats always been fairly normal.

Original poster
WatchtoomuchTV · 31/12/2022 16:21

Stressedmum2017 · 31/12/2022 16:13

You are aware she's an adult arent you? You are totally babying her - probably why she's not streetwise at all.

She's spent evenings in London with friends, tubed at midnight, drives happily all over the place, has been to gigs etc, but she's never had a boyfriend and this is someone who has got in touch with her out of the blue. I just wanted reassurance that this is the way it happens these days!
She's also only been an adult for 3 weeks. I've not babied her at all - she's had confident conversations with HMRI to change her tax code, she's held down 4 jobs whilst studying for A levels, she's done volunteer work... she's capable and confident, but not an experienced 'dater', if that makes sense. Nor am I. hence my search for advice about this approach, which is new to me.
Maybe lay off your aggressive assumptions for a bit and help me understand how dating works these days instead?

OP posts:
Original poster
WatchtoomuchTV · 31/12/2022 16:23

Chickychoccyegg · 31/12/2022 16:21

This is completely normal these days, my teenage dds and their friends have met people through Snapchat/Instagram.
You really need to let her get on with it, she's sensibly meeting in a public place, but even if she'd met him in a bar neither her nor her friends would know him, thats always been fairly normal.

This is hugely reassuring - thank you! She is really pleased, too - she knows I'm running it past the Mumsnet wisdom tribe!

OP posts:
pinkfondu · 31/12/2022 16:23

How is it different to asking for her number walking down the road, in a pub, or out anywhere?

Chickychoccyegg · 31/12/2022 16:23

BackBeatTheWord · 31/12/2022 16:15

I deal with teenagers alot and yes it's fairly common. For many of them social media is basically like a casual form of online dating. It doesn't mean there aren't risks involved but no more than if she met a guy through tinder or another app.

I would expect her to take the same precautions as she would when meeting anyone new (whether she first had contact in a bar, online dating, mutual friend or social media). Meet in a public place, don't rely on him to get home, or offer to drive him home. Make sure you can leave early if you're uncomfortable etc.

Suggest bringing her a drink...at a shopping centre where she could easily get her own 😂 , do not, under any circumstances do this, you will look crazy!

whattodo1975 · 31/12/2022 16:23

At 17 I was starting relationships off by snogging people I’d met that night when I was pissed in a nightclub.

Not sure that could be described as any safer than what your daughter is doing.

ShamedBySiri · 31/12/2022 16:24

Stressedmum2017 · 31/12/2022 16:13

You are aware she's an adult arent you? You are totally babying her - probably why she's not streetwise at all.

It's funny how often posters come on these threads to scold Mother's who are attempting to teach their daughters caution.

Maybe you're not a stressed Mum at all. Maybe you are someone who is motivated to breakdown normal safeguards. It's the internet. We don't know! 🤷‍♀️

CleoandRalf · 31/12/2022 16:24

This thread reminds me of a poor girl a few years ago on our local community FB page, her mother had posted a picture of her and a description of a man she was last seen with since she had ‘gone missing’ and wasn’t home at 3am on New Year’s Day. Hundreds of people commented, identified the man in question, police were called, others at the bar they were last in were contacted and asked to call her mum.

At 11 am on New Years day the poor lass sheepishly came on to update the group that she wasn’t missing just fancied a shag with this guy and went back to his.

She was 21, mortifying!

Speedweed · 31/12/2022 16:25

WinterFoxes · 31/12/2022 16:17

Suggest a Zoom first and maybe ask her if you can bring her a drink so you catch a glmipse of him (just so you would know what he looked like if anything happened.

Ensure they meet in a public place. Explain to her that she mustn't under any circumstances offer him a lift in the car. She needs to know him much better first and if he is a decent person he will totally understand why.

Do they have any friends in common irl, such as the girl whose snapchat he saw? If so could they meet up in a group for a coffee or a drink?

Brilliant suggestion for the zoom call!

It is normal to meet like this, but there are still nutters. Make sure your daughter is clear that she doesn't need to go along with anything to be polite (ie shouting fuck off and running away is perfectly fine if that's what the situation merits!) and that you can come and get her any time from anywhere. Also get her to get friends to call/message her at different points of the date so she has an excuse to get on her phone and make excuses to leave early if he's awful.