Is this how relationships start these days?

[WatchtoomuchTV]

DD is (just) 18, intelligent, sensible, but not very streetwise.
A boy (says he's 17) from a village about 40 minutes' drive away has seen DD's photo on her friend's snapchat.
DD's friend doesn't know this boy but happily accepts all followers. Nobody knows him.
DD has told me (nervously) that she has been talking with this boy for about 2 weeks and they have a date planned. She drives; he doesn't. She'll be driving to a town near to where he lives and they'll be spending the day at the shopping centre there.
DH is worried, and now I am, about how a boy who was scrolling through snapchat could just pick my DD out and now be planning a date with her.
He sounds really decent - and I've watched too much "Murder on CCTV" - but now my DH has got me worried.
YABU - I need to relax; this is how young people meet these days.
YANBU - We need to monitor this carefully.

Absolutely this!

My SIL was horrified that DS had gone to London the other day to meet a girl he'd been chatting to on Discord for over a year. I'd checked he'd spoken to her and knew she was really a 17yo girl, they met in a public place (train station) and he messaged me when he got there and met her.

When I was his age, mobiles didn't have Internet and I was getting trains and buses across the country to meet my cousin and whatever random guys she was hanging out with and staying on their sofas. That was much less safe!

My son met someone in london from USA last Christmas that he met on Tiktok. When his dad expressed concern he told him you spend too much time watching murder programmes eating crisps. All was fine, they went to the cinema etc

@JudgeRudy Brilliant advice and, yes, I do need to chill. Thank you! I'm feeling a lot happier about it and can enjoy her happiness (not that I publicly haven't been - I'm just hyper vigilant because I don't want her to be raped in a Costa's toilet be disappointed!

@Zanatdy That is exactly what I do do - literally "Murder on CCTV", "Murder Came to Town", whilst eating Walkers Jalapenos...

😂I hear you op!! I am dreading my dds getting to late teens and doing the things I did.

She's in a public place, it's not much different to meeting someone when drunk and giving them your number . Then forgetting you've done it and not being able to pick them out of a line up 😳

@ShamedBySiri Thank you x

@WatchtoomuchTV how did you meet your DH or other boyfriends? For lots of people it'll be someone in a club, he's cute, he asks for a dance, maybe a snog, maybe mobile phones were common by then so you might text or call and then you'd have a date.
Other than meeting him physically and thus no alcohol involved, it's basically the same thing.

Yes she should meet him in public, check in with you and if she gets any red flags leave. Of course you should be advising her of this. If it was a 40 yo divorcee who'd not dated since she was 16 and had been randomly contacted on FB or Insts it would be the same advice.

The idea that cos she's turned 18you should just wash your hands of her and expect her to know what to do in every adult situation is ridiculous.

18 is adult for for many people just turning 18 they're still in full time education, living with parents and largely financially dependent. Some of these messages, you'd think they should all be kicked out the door the day they turn 18!

By 18 many will not be this inexperienced with dating or sex.

It’s also unreasonable for the OP to be making so many comments and telling her DD what to do in certain situations, for example never being alone. She might want to be alone with him, she might fancy a shag, she might not and walk away, but what isn’t on is the OP pushing this when her daughter is 18.

You can be worried but you don’t get to control anymore

Not weird at all. Just a concerned parent.

@SleepingStandingUp Thank you - she's exactly how you describe. Funny, clever, confident - but completely inexperienced. She's never been in a situation where she has had to take action because of sensing a red flag. However, these posts are (mostly) reassuring - Mumsnet at its best x

Same, haha! It does make you more suspicious. I wasn’t worried about this American kid though, he was just someone who respected my son’s Tiktok channel and did one himself. They had done a joint video together so he wasn’t a stranger. My son’s dad couldn’t work out why he had come to london on his own over Christmas, but why not, not everyone is like him! I was pleased when he came back home, all in one piece!! He was also 17yrs old, so didn’t even need to tell us where he was going. I told my ex that he won’t tell us if you’re going to over react. He’s a boy though, if this is my DD in a few years time I might feel differently!

You can be concerned and not enter into controlling.

Since when is OP controlling her daughter @CleoandRalf

It is entirely reasonable to remind her daughter of basic safety and self preservation principles.

I don't think you need to have watched too many murder movies. Just read the papers.

Many young men these days are completely porn addled, expect anal sex and a bit of throttling in the side at the drop of a hat. It's very hard having these conversations with our young daughters but it needs to be done.

Mine are older than OP's daughter but it's New Year's Eve. Of course I've reminded them not to get too pissed, to beware if drink spiking, to stick together, to be careful in booking a taxi. These are the basics.

Quote from the OP - ‘and I've told her that the second he attempts to get her on her own she is to make her excuses.’

thats controlling, telling her what she is to do.

You can remind someone of safety precautions without telling them what they are to do in certain situations, especially if they might want to stay.

Wait what? I just suggested meeting in a public place where she can easily get home under her own steam (which it sounds like she's doing anyway so no need for any intervention from her mum anyway)! I wouldn't ever suggest any mum brings her adult daughter a drink during a first date!

@CleoandRalf I'm ok with her wanting to be alone with him! I'm not ok with this being on his terms, and at his initiation, when she doesn't know him - and no-one she knows knows him! That's the advice I've given her - if he pushes for alone time then she needs to make her excuses because that would be odd.
She can shag him in some toilets if she wants - but on her terms!

A bit different to ‘and I've told her that the second he attempts to get her on her own she is to make her excuses.’

I can very easily see why your DD isn’t very streetwise with a parent like you involved.

I think what the original advice was was for me to wander into her room during a Zoom meeting under the guise of bringing DD a drink to check that the "boy" she's talking to really isn't a 40 year old! I wouldn't do that, of course, and I'm not even going to suggest a Zoom meeting, but that's what the advice was - not for me to turn up unannounced with a latte on the actual date!
Although my DH would like that idea...

YANBU to be worried but YABU to think this is not normal.

This is very normal and how most young people meet nowadays.

I am 32 and still get men messaging me because we have a friend in common and they like my photos.

Of course there’s always the worry that they’re not who they say they are but she sounds very sensible and has her head screwed on.

She will be more internet-wise than you or I because her generation has grown up with the internet.

I hope she has a good time.

I would make him travel to her so she is nearer home and in a familiar place.

Regarding drink spiking don't take it from me, here is a mother who saw it happening in real time.

@CleoandRalf Do you see the difference between her wanting to be alone with him and him trying to get her on her own?
One is fine, the other deserves some caution. If you don't agree then we'll just have to disagree.
As for "streetwise" again I mean with relationships. She is naive. In all other respects she's a confident young adult.

Op has no control, so can't be controlling. If daughter walks up to date, drage him into the loos and demands he takes her wildly on the loo seat, op will never need to know and could do nothing to stop it. However telling your barely adult child who's never been on a date before that if the bloke she's meeting for the first time tries to get yer alone (so somewhere isolated) she should leave is bloody sensible advice! Daughter can choose to ignore it if she wants but at least she also knows it perfectly OK to not want to be alone with him even if he tells her every other girl would do it.

I gave both my DDs drink spike test strips along with other essentials when they started Uni. I don't think they've ever used them but I put them there to make them think and hopefully have a conversation with their friends and flatmates about it.
You can buy them here.

checkyourdrink.co.uk/