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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is this how relationships start these days?

92 replies

WatchtoomuchTV · 31/12/2022 16:01

DD is (just) 18, intelligent, sensible, but not very streetwise.
A boy (says he's 17) from a village about 40 minutes' drive away has seen DD's photo on her friend's snapchat.
DD's friend doesn't know this boy but happily accepts all followers. Nobody knows him.
DD has told me (nervously) that she has been talking with this boy for about 2 weeks and they have a date planned. She drives; he doesn't. She'll be driving to a town near to where he lives and they'll be spending the day at the shopping centre there.
DH is worried, and now I am, about how a boy who was scrolling through snapchat could just pick my DD out and now be planning a date with her.
He sounds really decent - and I've watched too much "Murder on CCTV" - but now my DH has got me worried.
YABU - I need to relax; this is how young people meet these days.
YANBU - We need to monitor this carefully.

OP posts:
Original poster
WatchtoomuchTV · 31/12/2022 16:58

Mydogatemypurse · 31/12/2022 16:49

I would make him travel to her so she is nearer home and in a familiar place.

Yeah, I suggested this @Mydogatemypurse but she loves the independence of driving and I think wants to show this off a bit 🙂He doesn't drive and it would be two trains to get him anywhere decent near where we live - and she's already sensible enough to have said she wouldn't want to pick him up and be alone in her car with him.

OP posts:
Original poster
WatchtoomuchTV · 31/12/2022 16:59

ShamedBySiri · 31/12/2022 16:55

I gave both my DDs drink spike test strips along with other essentials when they started Uni. I don't think they've ever used them but I put them there to make them think and hopefully have a conversation with their friends and flatmates about it.
You can buy them here.

checkyourdrink.co.uk/

Ordering them now! 😁Thank you!

OP posts:
NameChagaiiiin · 31/12/2022 17:07

Getting the feeling @CleoandRalf is an Internet predator who keeps being thwarted by parents with sensible advice.

OP I think it's great your DD is so open and honest about these things. I'd have crawled through broken glass before sharing my dating experience at that age with my own DM so kudos to you.

Hope she has a wonderful date

Carouselfish · 31/12/2022 17:08

It's not the same as meeting someone out as you can tell if they're a bit odd in person when you can't online. Given everyone has a smartphone, it's quite odd they haven't had a video chat. I expect he doesn't look as good in real life, best case scenario.
I had a date with someone I'd been talking to for ages but we hadn't spoken on the phone until the day of meeting. The instant we spoke I knew the date was a mistake as he had the campest voice. Just from a timewasting pov I'd do all a video call before meeting, definitely.
And I don't see that it's the wrong thing to do to have your dd be overly cautious about people online rather than blindly trusting.

SleeplessInEngland · 31/12/2022 17:11

Sounds like it’s just internet dating without the faff.

Mumwithapub · 31/12/2022 17:12

Did no one here have a CB radio back in the 80s? I met a lad on there when I was 18 it's not that much different.

Original poster
WatchtoomuchTV · 31/12/2022 17:14

@NameChagaiiiin Thank you! She did stay quiet about it for 2 weeks, but sidled up to me today as I was reading and waited for an opening, which happened to be me encouraging her to go to Japan for a year to make the most of her youth... and then she swooped with her news! So sweet.

OP posts:
BabyFour2023 · 31/12/2022 17:16

Could they meet with friends? Your DD take a mate and he takes one?

DuplicateUserName · 31/12/2022 17:21

They obviously would've Face timed by now, surely?

MiddleParking · 31/12/2022 17:22

WatchtoomuchTV · 31/12/2022 16:44

I think what the original advice was was for me to wander into her room during a Zoom meeting under the guise of bringing DD a drink to check that the "boy" she's talking to really isn't a 40 year old! I wouldn't do that, of course, and I'm not even going to suggest a Zoom meeting, but that's what the advice was - not for me to turn up unannounced with a latte on the actual date!
Although my DH would like that idea...

Show quote history

When I was 18 I was meeting men not much younger than that on purpose 😂

Original poster
WatchtoomuchTV · 31/12/2022 17:22

BabyFour2023 · 31/12/2022 17:16

Could they meet with friends? Your DD take a mate and he takes one?

Hi @BabyFour2023 - This would have been perfect. Wish I could have come in early in their "talking" to suggest this. I think it might have gone beyond that point now, though - she's excited about it, it seems he is too... it could be quite sweet. Oh God, I hope it goes well! Such an exciting time...

OP posts:
LimePickles · 31/12/2022 17:26

pinkfondu · 31/12/2022 16:23

How is it different to asking for her number walking down the road, in a pub, or out anywhere?

Hmm… because she has no idea who she is actually speaking to?! If he sends her a photo it could be of anyone.

If you meet someone in the street you at least have a rough idea of their age and gender.

Original poster
WatchtoomuchTV · 31/12/2022 17:26

@DuplicateUserName They've snapchatted a LOT, exchanged photos and, bizarrely (according to my archaic sense of ritual), sent voice recording thingies to each other? I guess he might be Android whereas she's Apple.
I'm going to chill and get excited about it with her. Might treat her to some new clothes for the event if she's up for it. My parents were fucking awful about this stuff so I want her to love it. But be safe. But love it. Whilst being safe and calling me every 15 minutes.

OP posts:
NameChagaiiiin · 31/12/2022 17:33

WatchtoomuchTV · 31/12/2022 17:26

@DuplicateUserName They've snapchatted a LOT, exchanged photos and, bizarrely (according to my archaic sense of ritual), sent voice recording thingies to each other? I guess he might be Android whereas she's Apple.
I'm going to chill and get excited about it with her. Might treat her to some new clothes for the event if she's up for it. My parents were fucking awful about this stuff so I want her to love it. But be safe. But love it. Whilst being safe and calling me every 15 minutes.

Oh OP. You've brightened my afternoon up immensely and are exactly the type of mother I see (hope)myself being when my DD is older 🤣🤣

ShamedBySiri · 31/12/2022 18:36

NameChagaiiiin · 31/12/2022 17:07

Getting the feeling @CleoandRalf is an Internet predator who keeps being thwarted by parents with sensible advice.

OP I think it's great your DD is so open and honest about these things. I'd have crawled through broken glass before sharing my dating experience at that age with my own DM so kudos to you.

Hope she has a wonderful date

Agree - it's very odd how some posters love to jump on these threads and scold women for being protective and careful about their daughter's safety.

MrsMitford3 · 31/12/2022 18:42

My DD is Uni age.

She and her friends are very careful about this sort of thing-someone always knows where they are-especially if it is a blind date. They have each other on snap maps (or something with location) and often arrange a check in call etc

I think ppl do date this way but I also think caution is advisable-ppl aren't always who they say they are online and everyone wants a good result here!

Hawkins001 · 31/12/2022 18:47

WatchtoomuchTV · 31/12/2022 16:21

She's spent evenings in London with friends, tubed at midnight, drives happily all over the place, has been to gigs etc, but she's never had a boyfriend and this is someone who has got in touch with her out of the blue. I just wanted reassurance that this is the way it happens these days!
She's also only been an adult for 3 weeks. I've not babied her at all - she's had confident conversations with HMRI to change her tax code, she's held down 4 jobs whilst studying for A levels, she's done volunteer work... she's capable and confident, but not an experienced 'dater', if that makes sense. Nor am I. hence my search for advice about this approach, which is new to me.
Maybe lay off your aggressive assumptions for a bit and help me understand how dating works these days instead?

Show quote history

All the best op, basically their are many App's and yes you can randomly start chatting and it goes from there, my meet up with a friend started similar but with facebook jnstead, and progressed from there.

It's a mix really, usually I prefer the long meeting in person then taking time ect but others prefer social media as their methods

Titsywoo · 31/12/2022 18:52

My DD met someone online when she was 16 (through a shared interest not online dating). We insisted the first meeting was at our house. We didn't crowd them but we knew she was safe and they got to spend time together. After we met him and saw he was a teenage boy and was nice we said she could meet him elsewhere. They are still together 2 years later.

CleoandRalf · 31/12/2022 19:01

Mydogatemypurse · 31/12/2022 16:49

I would make him travel to her so she is nearer home and in a familiar place.

You’d make a child travel further for a date with an adult, the 17 year old should be the one being made more comfortable and in a familiar place.

CleoandRalf · 31/12/2022 19:03

NameChagaiiiin · 31/12/2022 17:07

Getting the feeling @CleoandRalf is an Internet predator who keeps being thwarted by parents with sensible advice.

OP I think it's great your DD is so open and honest about these things. I'd have crawled through broken glass before sharing my dating experience at that age with my own DM so kudos to you.

Hope she has a wonderful date

I’ve got the feeling you’re an absolute nutter.

This isn’t sensible advice, it’s weird to be this invested in your 18 year old adult daughters dating life.

This is no different to meeting a tinder match, if anything it’s ‘better’ as on tinder you don’t even have the context from their socials.

And most people don’t have to share their dating experiences with their mums at that age, that’s kind of part of the issue here. That she is so dependant this is even a question

FrostyFifi · 31/12/2022 19:05

You’d make a child travel further for a date with an adult, the 17 year old should be the one being made more comfortable and in a familiar place

This is silly. They don't go from infant to adult at midnight on their eighteenth birthday. They're probably at about the same maturity stage.

ShamedBySiri · 31/12/2022 19:07

Not even trying to hide @CleoandRalf

How is a 17 year old boy a child but a (just) 18 year old is an adult who needs no advice or protection when dipping a toe into j yet net dating? 🙄

ShamedBySiri · 31/12/2022 19:08

MrsMitford3 · 31/12/2022 18:42

My DD is Uni age.

She and her friends are very careful about this sort of thing-someone always knows where they are-especially if it is a blind date. They have each other on snap maps (or something with location) and often arrange a check in call etc

I think ppl do date this way but I also think caution is advisable-ppl aren't always who they say they are online and everyone wants a good result here!

Great advice

Bookworm333 · 31/12/2022 19:17

NameChagaiiiin · 31/12/2022 17:07

Getting the feeling @CleoandRalf is an Internet predator who keeps being thwarted by parents with sensible advice.

OP I think it's great your DD is so open and honest about these things. I'd have crawled through broken glass before sharing my dating experience at that age with my own DM so kudos to you.

Hope she has a wonderful date

Yes! Totally agree!

OP, you sound like a great Mum and I aspire to be like this one day. I used to talk to my Mum about dates and dating and I don't think it's weird to be close or ask your Mum for advice at all. I also think just turned 18 is still very young and caution is always advisable in any dating scenario (for all the excellent reasons that others have set out here). I hope she has a lovely time - let us know how it goes if she's comfortable with sharing that later on.

toocold54 · 31/12/2022 19:29

I'm going to chill and get excited about it with her. Might treat her to some new clothes for the event if she's up for it.

I would be happy for her but I wouldn’t make too much of it.

This is her date and it’s a bit odd if your mum is over invested in it.

It could also not go well and you don’t want to get her hopes way up and then she gets even more upset when it goes wrong.

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