Argument with family yesterday and can’t enjoy NYE

[Sabrina145]

So I live at home with parents at the moment due to financial pressures. (I have a good job can’t afford house in current climate and at home saving). Yesterday my parents said some things to me that hurt and insulted me. Now it’s tense and I’ve said I feel there should be an apology but nothing. One of my siblings who lives abroad is coming over for NYE tonight and they’ll act like nothing happened. But now I can’t pretend to be just happy to join in board games, watch TV etc. AIBU to be so annoyed they’re letting me spend NYE feeling like this? Not even addressing what they said to me yesterday. horrible feeling. Or should I enjoy the night as best I can with my sibling and just try to forget it.

It rather depends on what your parents expect of you and what your expectations of living at home are too. When DD2 was in the same situation as you she did help and also did all her own laundry and cooked most of her food. If your Mum is happy to continue dong these for you, count yourself very lucky and offer to help more around the house. They definitely don't owe you an apology! Go enjoy NY with your parents and sibling. Life is too short.

Do stuff before other people have to do it.

If things need tidying and you are sat around ignoring it until someone else has to start tidying, THEN you offer to help, it is likely you'll be told to piss off out of the way.

However if you either, don't create mess than needs tidying or, spot it and tidy it as soon as you've noticed (and actively look for stuff to tidy up, don't wait for it to leap up and bite your nose!) BEFORE someone else has to deal with it, you won't be told to piss off out of it by a fed up person.

It is VERY easy to get into the habit of not spotting mess/jobs that need doing when you live where others will eventually do it for you.

So you have to actively work at making yourself aware and doing things before they have to.

You obviously can't pre-empt everything, if you're at work when someone is cooking a meal then you can't be at home to pre-empt and cook for everyone else.

But do what you can, they've snapped and called you lazy because thats the underlying feeling, look to what you can do to change that, rather than seek to justify your own behaviour.

Make the effort with your visiting sibling tonight. At some point in the next few days, sit down with your parents and discuss expectations in terms of housework etc.

You need to move into a house share. You have reverted to teenage behaviour whilst in your parents home
Either go out or paint a smile on and be sociable

Hi op, I think it would be best to apologise to your parents first to clear the air. Remind them how much you appreciate them letting you stay and suggest setting up a rota of days when you will cook / shop for food / do some washing. If your Mum starts trying to martyr herself by doing it first on those days just say 'Mum, please don't do that, it's my turn today'. If it could further conflict that you are slower to get things done then agree times for each task e.g 'I can make dinner by 7pm on Tuesdays and Fridays' or 'I will do washing on Sat mornings, are you happy for me to do yours as well?'

Well sincerely offer to help your mum with the preparations for your sisters arrival and be pleasant when she arrives and join in . Say no more about it .

As a parent with adult children at home, there are some things that I don't mind doing and some things that I would like at least the offer of help or just doing them and I agree, a sit down to discuss would be a great start.

One think I'd like (which doesn't always happen!) is for DC to offer to cook and clear up a couple for times a week. Even better if they decide what to make and to shop for or at least add the required ingredients to the list.

Laundry is a bit meh for me as I'd rather just grab what needs to be done when I know I have the airer free or it's a good drying day, but you could have an agreed day when you do your bedding/anything else that still needs done.

Clean up after yourself in the bathroom and never leave shit marks for someone else to deal with.

I think the way to look it it that you are in a 3 way house share and you need to contribute accordingly - especially if your parents work too.

So ask, don't wait to be asked or even better, show initiative and do things first. I understand though that it's easy to keep behaving like a child if you are still in your childhood environment.

If you want to carry on staying I'd have a conversation

Eg
'I'm sorry if you think I'm lazy, I thought I'd been contributing by doing x&y. Would it help to draw up a rota so I know what's what'

We lived with my PIL for a short while and I did have to be pro-active to get ahead of my MIL. You need to be first there to intercept dinner prep (or get up early and put a slow cooker on before work). Intercept the washing machine so you put the washing out to dry before they do. Insist on PIL sitting down (while you make them a cuppa) and sort out clearing away after dinner if they've cooked.

You need to be one step ahead of them 50% of the time. It is harder than living elsewhere so maybe save to the absolute max so you can move out ASAP. Maybe consider a smaller property or cheaper area to get on the housing ladder faster?

Not sure why everyone is recommending a house share. They can be absolutely awful. OP will be able to save faster and much more if she stays at home.

I’ve said I feel there should be an apology

There should be, and it should be from you for being lazy and just letting your mum do everything.

Though in fact, I'm not sure any apology is necessary in this situation. Sometimes families tell the truth, and rather than feeling hard done by, you need to think about whether they might have a point (as you in fact seem to be doing). Stop the teenage moping and get stuck into helping to get ready for a nice evening.

You sound like my DS - although at least you've had the decency to take on board the comments on here. My DS similarly is living here trying to save up to move out. If I criticise his lack of house keeping he goes into full on sulk mode and refuses to do the tasks suggested because "I told him to". I regularly remind him he's 26 not 6 and if he just did the jobs in the first place then I wouldn't need to "tell" him. It doesn't make for a happy household.

Fair dos OP.

And OP told them she expects an apology!

#But then, do EVERYONE have to clean at the same time? Maybe OP could do a bit later, after the film. It should not be that there is a schedule - we all clean from x to y. Parents do a bit, OP could do a bit later. They can have an agreement about what needs to be done and people do it in their own time.

I had a flatmate that would do certin things in the morning- I would leave the house at 6 am so no time to clean before going out, and she would leave at 13 for the evening shift. But when Id be home after work all would be done and she was pissed off no one contributes, but literally, she left nothing to be done.

A situation like this means you're too old to live at home and is time to move out.

Comments so far are fair and I think you should be looking at solutions. How about offering a rota to cook, making ‘xxx day’ and xxx day’ every week ‘your’ days. Which means you buy cook and clean up on those days. If mum steps In you’ll need to politely remind her that you really want to pull your weight and show your appreciation of them so please allow you do this yourself! This shows willingness and gives you control back to the situation. If you don’t own the whole process you’re leaving room for conflict!

I can see home if your mum is in earlier she just gets on with the washing/cooking.

But is there drying/ironing/putting away you could do?

Meal planning/shopping?

OP I would take the route of asking your parents for a chat to clear the air before tonights festivities. There is nothing to stop you addressing the situation with them,then you can all move on and get past this.

I do contribute financially yes. If I rented I couldn’t afford to save at all- that’s why I’m at home to save. I do clean around the but my washing usually gets done for me and same for cooking.

meh. "my washing usually gets done for me" don't be so lazy. Do it yourself. Pre-empt whoever is doing it. They are doing you a huge favour allowing you to save to buy a house. In return you need to suck up some perceived slights.

I moved back home for a while in my twenties, and I would have been really embarrassed to have my parents cook my meals and wash my pants. Does it not bother you that you're sat on your bum watching TV while your parents clean up around you?

Don’t listen to everyone here OP.

just play the “I wasn’t being lazy, I was prioritising my mental health” card to your parents and await their apology.

Not sure why everyone is recommending a house share. They can be absolutely awful. OP will be able to save faster and much more if she stays at home.

well, yes, and that is why OP needs to suck up some of the "aggro" and stop letting her parents do so much. She needs to show more gratitude for what this arrangement is allowing her to do. I wonder if the parents get any benefit from this at all.

😅😅😅😅 ffs. Poor parents.