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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Late birthday

69 replies

Suzie1963 · 31/12/2022 08:01

Aiba i have 2 grown up sons both with partners, i have recently had a birthday not a big one however i didnt get a card or a present from any of them on my birthday, they both made contact one by phone and the other by text saying they will see me the day after, i lost my temper saying theres no point in coming the day after as my birthday is over by then. I had changed arrangements to be home on the day of my birthday so had arranged to go out for the day the day after, anyway the next day late on one of my sons rocked up with my 2 youngest grandchildren with 2 bunches of flowers from the local garage, refused to come in as it was just a fleeting visit, i said going forward i wont be celebrating my birthdays or xmas as i cant cope with the stress of waiting in etc and them not coming to see me, we all live within 5 miles of each other, we had words i told him to shove his flowers up his ar$€ and he called me a poisonous old cu₩£ and to never darken his doors again, this has been going on for yrs now some times i get a card sometimes i dont, mothers day and xmas are also similar, last minute presents picked up with no thought put into them, i have just had cancer twice since 2019 and really they couldn't give a toss about me. My eldest son took to messaging me threatening to run me out of town and damaging mine and my husbands cars if i didnt apologise to his brother. Am i the arsehole for finally stating enough is enough?

OP posts:
RegularNameChangerVersion21 · 31/12/2022 08:10

Sorry to hear about this OP. Sounds really upsetting, especially after a difficult year. Just to clarify had you actually arranged for your sons to visit you on your birthday or did you just assume they would?

Plumbear2 · 31/12/2022 08:12

For various reasons I carnt always see my parents on their birthday. The same happens with my friend up kids. It happens and we move on instantly realising it's not always possible. The fact yo uh to old him where to shove his flowers tells me more about you than him. Whatever happened to being thankfull?

Sirzy · 31/12/2022 08:14

Why did you cancel plans to stay in if nothing had been planned?

there is obviously a lot more from both sides than just a birthday but I don’t get why you cancelled your plans

WeWereInParis · 31/12/2022 08:15

going forward i wont be celebrating my birthdays or xmas as i cant cope with the stress of waiting in

Had they said they'd come? Or were you waiting in all day just assuming they would? We can't always arrange to see my in-laws on their actual birthday, with work and kids etc (my parents live too far away to see for a day). We'd always let them know, like your sons did, when we were able to see them.

Overthebow · 31/12/2022 08:17

Why was seeing you the day after not good enough? All sounds a bit needy really.

Username6194 · 31/12/2022 08:19

You sound very over the top and controlling. No wonder they are LC with you.

BlusteryLake · 31/12/2022 08:21

You all sound pretty toxic, and there is clearly no respect on either side of these relationships. Why were you waiting in when they said they'd be there the next day?

Original poster
Suzie1963 · 31/12/2022 08:35

I was at my sons on the thursday before my birthday, he said we'll be up at the weekend, my birthday was on the saturday so i assumed he would be up that day, apparently him and his brother decided they would both come together on the sunday but neither of them told me that until afterwards

OP posts:
Original poster
Suzie1963 · 31/12/2022 08:39

I cancelled my plans as my son had said he would be up at the weekend, as my birthday was on the saturday i presumed he meant that day, not the sunday so i changed my plans and decided to go out on the sunday instead

OP posts:
Original poster
Suzie1963 · 31/12/2022 08:41

My sons didnt let me know until 3pm on the saturday that they weren't coming by then it was too late to do what me and my husband had planned

OP posts:
NancyJoan · 31/12/2022 08:45

You hadn’t made an arrangement then. You could have asked them what time to expect them both, or suggested a time, then made your plans around that. Instead you sat and waited, winding yourself up, and spoilt your own birthday.

Original poster
Suzie1963 · 31/12/2022 08:45

Considering that i wouldnt dream of giving someone a card or present the day after their birthday, if they knew they werent coming they could have posted a card or at least told me they werent coming till the sunday, normally i would shrug it off as its happened for years but i had finally had enough, i am always there for my kids always have been but i just feel like an afterthought at the minute

OP posts:
FlamingJingleBells · 31/12/2022 08:45

How old are you? This sounds similar to my niece’s teenage dramas with her friendship group. It’s all caused by terrible social communication skills.

Plumbear2 · 31/12/2022 08:51

Considering how the post is at the moment I wouldn't post a card either. I still waiting for post from early December.

LlynTegid · 31/12/2022 08:52

Please learn paragraphs.

I'm not sure who is more at fault.

JorisBonson · 31/12/2022 08:52

He bought you flowers and you told him to shove them up his arse?

My mother has spoken to me like that and she is, indeed, poisonous. I've gone no contact with her. I wonder if your son will do the same.

Original poster
Suzie1963 · 31/12/2022 08:58

If you knew me you would know i am certainly not controlling or ott, it just shows they have no respect for me, they didnt say till 3pm on my birthday that they werent coming, i just hope you dont treat your parents tge same way

OP posts:
crossstitchingnana · 31/12/2022 08:58

It sounds like you're hurt. What I seem to be reading about though is a lack of communication, and assumptions.

You seem to have different expectations to your sons too.

I would apologise for losing my temper, invite them round and talk about it. Calmly.

Thatiswild · 31/12/2022 09:02

My mum does this, doesn’t make an actual arrangement or time to see people but sits waiting for the royal visit, then moans about it afterwards when they don’t come when she assumes they would. She does make a huge effort for everyone so I do understand from her (and your) point of view but it sounds as if you were very angry so mean to them when they did come. I think your son should not have called you that terrible name though and I wouldn’t be in a hurry to make effort with him again. Perhaps low contact would be best all round, don’t wait in again that’s for sure.

Plumbear2 · 31/12/2022 09:02

Suzie1963 · 31/12/2022 08:58

If you knew me you would know i am certainly not controlling or ott, it just shows they have no respect for me, they didnt say till 3pm on my birthday that they werent coming, i just hope you dont treat your parents tge same way

My parents understand sometimes I carnt come on their birthday. They also wouldn't tell me to shove flowers up my arse. They would be greatfull just as I am when they carnt come on my birthday.

evemillbank · 31/12/2022 09:03

You sound pretty childish

TidyDancer · 31/12/2022 09:06

Is there more you aren't saying OP?

On the surface, it doesn't sound like they've done anything wrong. They said they would come at the weekend, they never made a firm arrangement with you. You may have been disappointed but it doesn't really excuse you behaving like a brat in front of the children. You then get into a shouting match in which neither of you behaved well.

Your other DS shouldn't have got involved and said some nasty things but I'm assuming this isn't the first time something has happened. I'd be stunned if there isn't a backstory.

upfucked · 31/12/2022 09:06

Suzie1963 · 31/12/2022 08:35

I was at my sons on the thursday before my birthday, he said we'll be up at the weekend, my birthday was on the saturday so i assumed he would be up that day, apparently him and his brother decided they would both come together on the sunday but neither of them told me that until afterwards

But you didn’t ask. Seems like a whole host of inability to communicate and some extremely toxic language on both sides and toxic behaviour from you.

Edinburghmusing · 31/12/2022 09:06

You are being unreasonable

what is even more unreasonable is that even though you have posted for other peoples opinions you will not change your opinion

BackOnTheBandWagon · 31/12/2022 09:06

Why wouldn't you give a present or card after a birthday? I find that really weird.

Your sons were incredibly rude (not for coming on Sunday, but for their subsequent reaction), but then you were rude too, and being precious.