Late birthday

[Suzie1963]

Aiba i have 2 grown up sons both with partners, i have recently had a birthday not a big one however i didnt get a card or a present from any of them on my birthday, they both made contact one by phone and the other by text saying they will see me the day after, i lost my temper saying theres no point in coming the day after as my birthday is over by then. I had changed arrangements to be home on the day of my birthday so had arranged to go out for the day the day after, anyway the next day late on one of my sons rocked up with my 2 youngest grandchildren with 2 bunches of flowers from the local garage, refused to come in as it was just a fleeting visit, i said going forward i wont be celebrating my birthdays or xmas as i cant cope with the stress of waiting in etc and them not coming to see me, we all live within 5 miles of each other, we had words i told him to shove his flowers up his ar$€ and he called me a poisonous old cu₩£ and to never darken his doors again, this has been going on for yrs now some times i get a card sometimes i dont, mothers day and xmas are also similar, last minute presents picked up with no thought put into them, i have just had cancer twice since 2019 and really they couldn't give a toss about me. My eldest son took to messaging me threatening to run me out of town and damaging mine and my husbands cars if i didnt apologise to his brother. Am i the arsehole for finally stating enough is enough?

Is it childish to expect your adult children to make more than a token effort?

What is the actual problem with a card/gift the day after your birthday, if that’s when someone sees you?
not telling you when they were coming is not ok but also you could’ve asked so you knew to plan

But they had never said they were coming.

@Untitledsquatboulder well unless it was her sweet sixteenth it’s a grown ups birthday. It’s really not a big deal.

the OP wants a day of everyone celebrating how wonderful she is. I imagine her sons don’t think she is wonderful and don’t particularly wish to celebrate her….

Sorry op but you are making yourself sound ridiculous. When someone says at the weekend but no specific time or day, that means at the weekend, you make an assumption and assumed wrong. There's nothing wrong with coming the next day if they were busy. Sounds like your sons needed safety in numbers!

Sounds like there's a back story... it all sounds a bit toxic.

You hadn’t made any plans with them and according to your op they have form for forgetting or doing something rubbish. so whilst it’s not very nice that they did it, it was silly to assume this year would magically be different.

if I was them id find it frustrating that you assumed, then said don’t bother coming anyway, then threw a further tantrum by saying you weren’t even going to celebrate anymore. It all just feels very unnecessarily dramatic. Before we even get to the point where you tell him to shove the flowers up his arse, presumably said in front of his children.

they may be tight on money or time. Or there may be more to this than you’re saying. It’s interesting that you don’t consider their perspective or how you contributed to this at all. Even down to you assuming weekend meant Saturday, despite no one saying this.

their behaviour after that is inexcusable but also very immature and dramatic, much like your own.
You all need to start communicating better and maybe you need to assume they won’t be part of your birthday plans. Sounds like you have a husband who wants to make plans with you though so have a lovely time with him in future.

You deserved at least a modicum of thought on your actual birthday Op. If this occasion really was as you say, the last in a long line of poor behaviour from your children, I am not surprised that you snapped. I hope that you had a nice time with your husband and that he treated you to something lovely.

The tone you are even using on this thread is quite telling and you are coming across as having quite a toxic personality. If somebody told me they would be coming over the weekend I would probably ask for clarification so I can be ready or ensure I will be in. Or I really would take it as a very casual and loose arrangement, I wouldn’t cancel all other plans and then sit in seething because somebody has not adhered to a plan that existed only in my mind.

And if you (general you not you) are seeing somebody the day after their birthday, it is customary to bring any card or gift along the next day, you don’t need to post it.

Sorry Op but YABU

Not only do I not see my DD on my birthday (it's usually a week - 10 days after depending when she can get time off work), but I don't see any other family or friends either until afterwards as they are all busy with their own families that day.

Seriously you need to calm down and grow up.

By your own admission, you've let this type of behaviour go on for years, so more fool you really. You are treated by others the way you allow yourself to be treated, so if you are now fed up with it, let them know

I think you all need to get better at clarifying arrangements in advance so you don't get into situations where people have different expectations of what is going to happen.

I don't think I would be rushing to see you, birthday or not. You saw them two day previous I would think that was enough. I see my parents about once a year and it's nice but never on their birthday. A card and a phone call is enough.

I think YABU - there were no concrete plans to meet on the actual birthday, when they text to say they'd see you the day after you got annoyed and told them not to bother and lost your temper.

It's your own fault that you changed your plans without any confirmation of other plans, you just assumed without checking (and if they know you and your DH had plans on the Saturday, no wonder they planned for Sunday!).

I think you are being really dramatic and then to kick off on the doorstep when they turned up with flowers and tell them to shove the flowers up their arse (including the grandchildren?!) is so so dramatic and rude.

Your son shouldn't be threatening to damage cars in anger at all though!

A lot of drama over things you've created in your own head, I think it all sounds very immature.

This does sound like it could all be improved by adapting your expectations OP. Most adults are fairly flexible and would be happy to celebrate their birthday the day or even week after. Maybe in the future just make concrete plans for when your sons will see you and try to be a bit more flexible. Obviously it would be lovely if they spent a long time selecting heartfelt gifts but lots of adults would be happy with a bunch of flowers on their birthday.

It sounds like you have very high expectations which you don't communicate clearly. Your sons may well feel that whatever they do will be met with dramatic disapointment so end up avoiding you because it tends to end in tears.

Yabu
You anc your son are passing this down to the next generation shouting in front of your grandchildren.

You hadn’t made any plans with them and according to your op they have form for forgetting or doing something rubbish. so whilst it’s not very nice that they did it, it was silly to assume this year would magically be different.

This. If you are going to passively-agressively wait around til 3pm instead of texting to ask when they're coming, it's a test you already know they'll fail.

That said I'd be pissed off by the vague "at the weekend". I certainly don't sit in all weekend and they just assumed you'd be in on the Sunday with no plans.

I'm never really sure why, over the age of 21, birthdays are such a big deal.

Sounds like too much drama and expecting too much.

So glad my parents don't actually give a toss about their birthdays, so I make the extra effort when I can.

My ILs, however, are overly invested in their birthdays.

Unfortunately, birthdays aren't as important when you get older. I would hate my DC to feel beholden to me on one day rather than possibly working out a day that works best.

You had no plans. Maybe they forgot to mention Sunday by mistake and thought they had the conversation, you didn't firm up plans.
You were rude, if my mum behaved like that when I took her flowers, I would be done with her.

I will add, my ILs have gotten better over the years, not as demanding (but still need a party for every birthday!) at least it's not demanded on the actual date. That would be a logistical nightmare as everyone has their own lives.

Wow, I find this hard to read. I think once you are maybe over 13years old birthdays aren’t such a big thing and certainly I would never ever expect my adult children to visit me on the day of my birthday. Sometimes cards arrive before birthday, sometimes after, it really doesnt matter. One son never does cards at all - he will text - totally fine. So you have now said you will never celebrate birthdays or Xmas which is ridiculous.

Clearly they don't- so maybe they should man up and own that, not keep her hanging around hoping and giving shitty flowers.

I used to be like you - the day I turned 13 my parents forgot my birthday and I got so upset. Every year from then on birthday was a big deal for me until I got married and had kids and then it didn't matter anymore.

I kind of get you, but some people make it a big deal and others not so much - especially boys they can be useless with these things, I think it was good enough that they made the effort to bring you flowers the following day.

The more you post the more unreasonable you seem. The world doesn’t revolve around you.

Frankly, the way you all spoke to one another, I think it’s six of one and half a dozen of the other. I also agree with PP who say that you all need to communicate better.