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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Late birthday

69 replies

Suzie1963 · 31/12/2022 08:01

Aiba i have 2 grown up sons both with partners, i have recently had a birthday not a big one however i didnt get a card or a present from any of them on my birthday, they both made contact one by phone and the other by text saying they will see me the day after, i lost my temper saying theres no point in coming the day after as my birthday is over by then. I had changed arrangements to be home on the day of my birthday so had arranged to go out for the day the day after, anyway the next day late on one of my sons rocked up with my 2 youngest grandchildren with 2 bunches of flowers from the local garage, refused to come in as it was just a fleeting visit, i said going forward i wont be celebrating my birthdays or xmas as i cant cope with the stress of waiting in etc and them not coming to see me, we all live within 5 miles of each other, we had words i told him to shove his flowers up his ar$€ and he called me a poisonous old cu₩£ and to never darken his doors again, this has been going on for yrs now some times i get a card sometimes i dont, mothers day and xmas are also similar, last minute presents picked up with no thought put into them, i have just had cancer twice since 2019 and really they couldn't give a toss about me. My eldest son took to messaging me threatening to run me out of town and damaging mine and my husbands cars if i didnt apologise to his brother. Am i the arsehole for finally stating enough is enough?

OP posts:

AnOldCynic · 31/12/2022 10:12

@warningsign10, I can't imagine anyone forgetting a 13YO's birthday. I hope you have have had some nice birthdays since.

drpet49 · 31/12/2022 10:22

“My eldest son took to messaging me threatening to run me out of town and damaging mine and my husbands cars if i didnt apologise to his brother.”

^What did I just read? Your eldest son is disgusting

BlusteryLake · 31/12/2022 10:31

It seems like there are two issues colliding here - you seem to have an unusual investment in birthdays for an adult, coupled with all of you seemingly having poor communication.

LindorDoubleChoc · 31/12/2022 10:35

I don't know why but that op really cheered up a dreary morning!

ChessieDarling · 31/12/2022 10:39

Honestly you sound like really hard work. No arrangements had been made for Saturday and you hadn’t bothered to check so more fool you for cancelling prearranged plans with other people to just sit at home with a face like a slapped arse on a visit that hadn’t even been confirmed with your sons.
I can’t imagine my mother ever calling me names for having the audacity to see her one day after her birthday.

ChessieDarling · 31/12/2022 10:40

Somehow I missed the very end of your post! Regardless of the rights and wrongs you shouldn’t accept threats of damage to your property from your son, he’s behaving terribly.

Plumbear2 · 31/12/2022 10:42

The op also threatened one of her son's. You can see where the son picked up this behaviour.

warningsign10 · 31/12/2022 10:42

AnOldCynic · 31/12/2022 10:12

@warningsign10, I can't imagine anyone forgetting a 13YO's birthday. I hope you have have had some nice birthdays since.

Thank you. Yes I have.

That day my parents decided to go to the cinema - asked me if I wanted to join. I said I didn't and they just left and came home in the evening so I basically spent my birthday by myself!

Op, you were lucky you had your husband with you and that your sons remembered your birthday. Not to say that should be good enough, but wanted to give you another perspective.

warningsign10 · 31/12/2022 10:44

Happy (belated) birthday op.

thequestionmartyiswhenthehellarewe · 31/12/2022 10:51

It sounds like you both behaved very badly in front of your grandchildren. How old are they? How sad for them to hear this, when they came to your house to bring you flowers.

Outtasteamandluck · 31/12/2022 14:44

I think you should have checked what time they planned on coming before you cancelled plans.

Just out of interest, what plans were they ?

Kitkatcatflap · 31/12/2022 15:01

I think you are getting a hard time by some on here OP. Clearly birthdays mean a lot to you and for some reason on Mumsnet that is seen childish/self important. Birthdays mean a lot to me too, and as 'birthday' people we go all out for people we love on their special day. No one tells you to not bother next year or stop ...... if you are into birthdays it's a two way street. I bet you make a huge effort for your son's and their families.

Your son's have been thoughtless. Cancelling at 3pm on the day is rude. Rocking up with a couple of tatty garage bunches but saying I can't come in is worse than not bothering at all. I don't blame you for feeling neglected and letting rant.

What could have was helped was clarifying arrangements and not assuming ....... But life is always sweeter in hindsight. Still they know now.

Big hug OP

Kitkatcatflap · 31/12/2022 15:07

BlastedPimples · 31/12/2022 09:36

I'm never really sure why, over the age of 21, birthdays are such a big deal.

This type of comment is so dull. No-one cares if you are bothered about your birthday. It's not about you, the OP is upset because she cares about her birthday.

UWhatNow · 31/12/2022 15:07

Untitledsquatboulder · 31/12/2022 09:06

Is it childish to expect your adult children to make more than a token effort?

I agree. Such a low bar on here that to expect any kind of care or thought from your adult offspring is ‘controlling’ and unreasonable. 🙄

YANBU op and I don’t blame you for being cross but don’t cancel your future celebrations, just do something really enviable and expensive but don’t invite them. Make it clear that you’re spending their inheritance as they think you are only good for piss-poor flowers and no effort.

BackBeatTheWord · 31/12/2022 15:14

I think it's absolutely fine to want a bit of fuss on your birthday, adult or not. I don't peronally expect anything from anyone but DH and DC (with his help) but have no problem if someone else expects a card/gift. I'll happily go to a birthday meal or party if invited.

That said the impression I got from the OP is that she was almost waiting to be disapointed. She said she's come to expect being disapointed on her birthday but then cancelled her plans to sit in for her children without even making a definite arrangement for when they would come. If they have form for not coming why on earth wouldn't you simply invite them for a specific time or let them know you've made other plans for XYZ time so will not be available?

A cheap bunch of flowers isn't the most thoughtful gift but to throw it back in someone's face definitely comes across as incredibly childish. I would never do that in a million years. Your son'ssubsequent reaction was obviously absolutely dreadful and that would be the point that upset me in all of this.

BlastedPimples · 31/12/2022 15:19

@Kitkatcatflap yes. She's behaving like a 9 year old and behaving badly too.

UsingChangeofName · 31/12/2022 15:57

YABVVVVVU

Considering that i wouldnt dream of giving someone a card or present the day after their birthday,

Whyever not ?

If it is important for you to see them on the actual day, why didn't you invite them all for lunch, or birthday tea, or to meet up with them somewhere ?

You sound needy, and very unreasonable to speak to your ds (or anyone) like that.

Yellowflowerr · 31/12/2022 16:20

Sorry OP but you are coming across as very childish and making ‘heat of the moment’ statements to your children, whilst also lacking good communication skills prior to or after the ‘event’. I would have simply clarified what time they would be over so I could ensure I’d be in, but you seemed to purposefully make that difficult and then make a scene when they didn’t show (even though they never said they would). I think you would probably benefit from some family therapy - I suspect there’s a bigger story here that you’re not telling us…

JudgeRudy · 31/12/2022 16:35

Tbf OP it doesn't sound like you actually made any specific arrangements so I think calling round on Sunday was quite acceptable. You also state you didn't know they were coming on Sunday till Saturday afternoon, presumably when your son rang you to wish you a happy birthday.
You told them not to bother coming Sunday but they did, with flowers. In my eyes this was an effort to smooth things over. You basically told him to 'f@#k off' in front of the children.
It's unfortunate that your birthday is around Xmas. They have children and presumably jobs. These will take priority over a middle aged woman's (not special) birthday.
I can't see any evidence of disrespect. I see 2 adult sons making time for their mum at a busy time of the year.

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