AIBU thinking there's something weird about my sister?

[Ginnyfromtheblock]

My sister is 30 and has a habit of either over-embellishing to make out she's very rich or just generally lying. She's been lying about small things from a young age but nowadays it tends to be things like:

1. An anecdote I or someone else may have said in conversation once upon a time, and she's now forgotten about who said it and uses it in conversation as if it was her and her story eg. A tradition of hers is making hot choc in a flask and taking it to winter wonderland when it is in fact something I do. Completely innocuous but also a blatant lie.
2. Buying designer things for herself or her husband and then posting photos on Instagram saying she's being spoilt by her husband
3. She hates her in laws (they are a bit rubbish and create unnecessary drama) but they throw rather lavish parties whether it's something like a baby shower or a kids birthday party, they're always very 'perfect'. But will post photos on Instagram of their fancy looking events (which she spends the run up and after the event moaning to me about how awful everyone is) saying how much she loved the day and how blessed she is to have such fun in laws
4. Every single photo she puts up of herself is completely edited so that she looks almost like an alien. Her waist is tiny in the photos, her skin a lot more fair than it is (we have olive skin). She is in actual fact a size 16 and nobody in my family agrees that she looks like what her photos do.
5. About 10 years ago she lied to a love interest about being sexually harassed at the student bar at uni so he would feel bad about not having spent the evening by her side. I know it was a lie because I wantrd to speak to uni security about it but she wouldn't let me and in the end it came out that she made it up.
6. A friend of hers recently phoned me asking if she was ok as she hasn't heard from my sister since her operation. I asked my sister what operation as I didn't know about it. She just said, 'oh sorry about that, I'll get back to her'. Me and my sister speak on the phone everyday, and she hasn't had an operation for anything to my knowledge
7. She booked a make up artist for about 5 separate occasions over the summer but lied to her about being in hospital. I bumped into the make up artist whilst shopping and she asked if my sister was out of hospital. I was with my sister the entire week and she wasn't in hospital.

So, I feel like something is up or her lies are just getting worse but I don't know how to confront her about it without making her feel bad about herself. But I'm also getting fed up of covering up her lies to random people. Am I being unreasonable about her being weird?

Probably a compulsive liar. Many live with this condition undiagnosed.

I have a family member like this. They lie about absolutely anything and everything and we all know they do.

Dh and I keep our distance. End of story.

Sounds like she's a pathological liar and has some real issues with it. She craves attention but most likely feels she has to embellish the truth to feel like she's worthy.
Sounds like she needs some counselling and a good dose of self-awareness. If you do approach it with her, do it in a gentle manner because people hate being caught up in their own lies and she will most likely get angry and defensive.

I had a friend who was a compulsive liar. We were 16. She apparently went out with a boy from a boy band. It was untrue but I went alimg with it at the start. She did not like being confronted and got extremely angry so I sort of took it back and distanced myself. It's not easy to have an overnight fix.

Any time my mum has tried to bring it up when she's at my parents' she's left in a huff.

I've tried asking her when it's been things like the friend phoning me or bumping into the make up artist as it's directly impacted me but she brushes it off by saying "oh sorry, I'll get in touch with them, don't worry about it" and just changed topic completely.

She doesn't want to admit it or confront it. I personally can't relate because I'm one of those brutally honest people that can't actually lie and I tell my family everything. I would struggle to have a family member like this.
Are you close to her generally? I can't imagine it's Easy to get close to someone who can't even seem to be honest with themselves. It's as though she's at the stage where she believes her own lies.

A lot of that sounds like insecurity and a need for validation through attention and sympathy. What is she like apart from the lying?

Very disconcerting. She sounds like she had some sort of personality disorder. Constantly lying is disorienting for those around her.

I shared an office with a young adult who did this. He would lie all the time often to family on the phone about silly things. Zero integrity it just didn’t seem to bother him at all. He was a trainee solicitor but was not kept on by the firm as no one could trust a word he said.

We are close generally in the sense that we speak daily and I will share my personal things, but then every time I catch her in a lie I feel dumb for trusting her and then get annoyed. My brother and mum are a bit worried about it too. I find it annoying mostly but on the flip side am also worried.

She can be very kind as a person, give lovely, thoughtful gifts. But it's the lying... She hasn't been working for about a year now and is on sick leave from work. She's been job hunting while on sick leave and my brother who is in the same field as her said she's not working because she lied on her CV and now she can't do the job they expect her to be able to do. He also feels like she's actually not on sick leave but rather has lost her job as he thinks no job will allow a year's sick leave. Any time I've asked if she's making plans on going back to work, she says probably the following month.

I think we share the same sister!

honestly I could write a book….

she has a circle of friends from a hobby they do together, who believes that she is a very wealthy business woman who owns a property portfolio, however the truth is that she has had to move home to her parents in her 50s following a divorce and she is completely skint! And she’s never owned a single property in her life either.

Shes also made them believe that she was financially and psychologically abused in her marriage too and that was the reason for the divorce - again another huge lie!

Its crazy when myself or other family members are caught off guard when people make comments about these lies she’s told…

I initially started off writing that she's a good egg but began listing her quirks.. I think I'll just stick to listing them and you can decide...

• she copies me a lot eg. Anything I've bought for my house, she buys too like dinner set, bedding, lamps, cutlery.. and then jokes about it like it's no big deal. DH says it's because she looks up to me and it's a nice thing..
• she can get very angry and say mean things about people who aren't nice. Eg. My grandmother favouritises her children and my mum isn't one of her favourites so my sister says things like "she deserves to be alone and die alone". I always find it very cutting and harsh when she speaks like that
• I'm currently 20 weeks pregnant and she keeps referring the baby as "our baby". And what she's planning on doing with the baby. And also keeps referring to it as "he". Both those things annoy me.
• She talks about herself in a bit of a weird way sometimes. We have relatives in Wales who we stay in touch with regularly but she is a little rude or egotistical IMO with them. They think she's very flash and think it's what Londoners are just like. For example, the heatwave in the summer, she sent a selfie in a hoodie saying she was freezing because she'd cranked up the air con in her house when everyone else was complaining of melting. Or when my aunt said her neice on her husband's side was being very helpful my sister said, "yeah but she's got nothing on me"

Etc

Oh gosh! I know the feeling!

Her friends invited me and my brother to her surprise birthday party once and we got there at the earlier time like we were asked to. But her friends seemed surprised we were there because apparently our mum was sick. We wondered whether our mum fell ill in the time it took us to get there so we phoned her and she was very confused, and said she was completely fine. Turned out my sister told them our mum was unwell.
And then a friend bought her a chocolate rabbit because he was under the impression we had pet rabbits... We never had pets ever.

Sounds a lot like my sister, except the good egg part. Mine also does this thing where she will belittle a specific thing that you’re into (e.g. like a film preference, or lifestyle choice). Then, next time you see her she will bring up the thing, but talk as if she is introducing you to it, is suddenly an expert on it, and insist that she was always into it before you’d even heard of it. It sounds innocuous but it isn’t. Makes you feel like your identity and sense of reality are being stolen. Unfortunately she isn’t the only family member that does this.

I have someone like this in my family. The lies they tell are whoppers. I actually think she's got Munchausen's. I'm waiting for the day it all finally unravels. I keep my distance now.

Your sister is a compulsive liar OP with a credibility problem.

I'd keep my distance if I were you, these people can cause an awful lot of trouble..

@Simpkiin Makes you feel like your identity and sense of reality are being stolen. Unfortunately she isn’t the only family member that does this.

^That's 'gaslighting'.
It's nasty and manipulative.
The only solution is to distance yourself from them and tell them nothing.

Why are you covering for her?

If she’s been on ‘sick leave’ for a year, what’s she telling you about her sickness?

Oh, she sounds very troubled.

No point in confronting a compulsive liar, it will only drive them into defensive mode. Your sister needs professional help... unlikely she will seek it for compulsive lying, but she may for anxiety or insecurity which clearly are hindering her.

Everyone needs to feel loved and accepted by those closest to them and for some reason, your sister does not.

I understand that you feel very frustrated with her. I wonder if you would seek professional advice on managing your interactions with her?

I know someone like this I keep my distance now. I also wouldn't cover for her just tell people she lies a lot and dont take anything she says seriously when they ask you things

Diagnosed with what exactly? Why do we insist on medicalising personalities and behavioural problems? She's a liar. She needs to cut the bullshit or suffer the consequences. No diagnosis required.

My former sister in law was identical to how you describe OP. The exaggeration, the lying, the tears and tantrums when called out It - all of it the same.

Unfortunately, I put it down to narcissism and was one of the biggest gains of my divorce was no longer having her in my life because without significant therapy (and even with it) people like this only seem to get worse in my opinion.

They expect everyone to orbit around them exactly how they want, but their lies always become unstuck, hence they struggle to maintain friendships, relationships tend to be either them treading over a partner or partners running a mile after a while, they often don't work (because jobs require stability, work ethic and performance is based upon facts, not how amazing you tell people you are) and their social media profiles are nearly always laughably false.

Unfortunately I can't see her changing OP and I'd be very wary of her moving forwards because I'm. It sure you can believe a word she says.

She's a liar but it seems to be to make herself more interesting, is she attention seeking? It must be exhausting for her. She needs to speak to a counsellor for anxiety or anything that will get her to a counsellor. Sad. Does she have a partner?

Yes this
Desperately sad situation

Personality traits which are often rooted in childhood, for example feelings of abandonment, poor attachment, sibling rivalry leading to low self-esteem, absolutely benefit from diagnosis, because it helps to understand underlying causes and reduce the reliance on the maladaptive behaviour the person uses as a coping strategy.

it doesn't necessarily need to involve medical intervention, as in "medicalised" prescription drugs for anxiety, depression etc, but the understanding can definitely enable the person to become 'unstuck', through acknowledgment if they decide their behaviour is detrimental to relationships around them. As with everything it needs the motivation from them to acknowledge it.

@Ginnyfromtheblock another one here "with one of those". Unfortunately I've had to go NC as I can't bear all the absolute shit she comes out with and I know she's so set in her ways it's impossible to get through to her. Everything always has to be about her, it's tedious.