AIBU thinking there's something weird about my sister?

[Ginnyfromtheblock]

My sister is 30 and has a habit of either over-embellishing to make out she's very rich or just generally lying. She's been lying about small things from a young age but nowadays it tends to be things like:

1. An anecdote I or someone else may have said in conversation once upon a time, and she's now forgotten about who said it and uses it in conversation as if it was her and her story eg. A tradition of hers is making hot choc in a flask and taking it to winter wonderland when it is in fact something I do. Completely innocuous but also a blatant lie.
2. Buying designer things for herself or her husband and then posting photos on Instagram saying she's being spoilt by her husband
3. She hates her in laws (they are a bit rubbish and create unnecessary drama) but they throw rather lavish parties whether it's something like a baby shower or a kids birthday party, they're always very 'perfect'. But will post photos on Instagram of their fancy looking events (which she spends the run up and after the event moaning to me about how awful everyone is) saying how much she loved the day and how blessed she is to have such fun in laws
4. Every single photo she puts up of herself is completely edited so that she looks almost like an alien. Her waist is tiny in the photos, her skin a lot more fair than it is (we have olive skin). She is in actual fact a size 16 and nobody in my family agrees that she looks like what her photos do.
5. About 10 years ago she lied to a love interest about being sexually harassed at the student bar at uni so he would feel bad about not having spent the evening by her side. I know it was a lie because I wantrd to speak to uni security about it but she wouldn't let me and in the end it came out that she made it up.
6. A friend of hers recently phoned me asking if she was ok as she hasn't heard from my sister since her operation. I asked my sister what operation as I didn't know about it. She just said, 'oh sorry about that, I'll get back to her'. Me and my sister speak on the phone everyday, and she hasn't had an operation for anything to my knowledge
7. She booked a make up artist for about 5 separate occasions over the summer but lied to her about being in hospital. I bumped into the make up artist whilst shopping and she asked if my sister was out of hospital. I was with my sister the entire week and she wasn't in hospital.

So, I feel like something is up or her lies are just getting worse but I don't know how to confront her about it without making her feel bad about herself. But I'm also getting fed up of covering up her lies to random people. Am I being unreasonable about her being weird?

Loads of people i know are like this tbh. Social media brings out the worst in most people, the lies, embellishments & edited photos on there are commonplace.

Hence why I dereg'd from Fb within a year @MilkyYay it absolutely plays into that behaviour, I can't stand all the phoney bullshit, drives me nuts

A close friend has a sister like this - she just accepts that she's a fantasist, has minimal contact with her and supports her adult nieces (who are NC with the mother) where she can.

I know someone like this. She leads a complete fantasy life on social media, and has blocked her own family on there so they don't see what she puts on. Anyone who questions or calls her out on her posts gets blocked as well. She clearly has some kind of personality disorder.

Do you get along with her husband? Could you talk to him?

What is she off work with ? Your sister sounds like she has real issues, the lies around illness and hospital are particularly strange.

I have a family member like this. They have got worse and worse over the years. I try to avoid contact with them as far as I can now.
It's reached the point where I am also having to cut contact with other family members who blindly believe them too.

YANBU except for point 3 which is really just a description of social media.
Why do you tolerate all of her lies?

Plain old narcissism

My dad was like this

He definitely didn't lie as much to me as he did to other people but it still makes me question anything he told me. I had the same embarrassing conversations with people he knew who asked me about broken legs (excuse for not doing things), fantasy jobs etc. The worst was at his funeral when his partner asked me why his army service wasn't mentioned in his eulogy, well that would be because he was never in the army.

He told my mom his real father was killed in the Spanish civil war and that he had twins with an Irishwoman, also lied about his age which she only found out at their wedding. All fantasy.

The one that hurts me most was he used to sing me a song when I was a child that he claimed to have written as a young man. I loved the song and its connection to him. I googled the lyrics decades later and it was a song by quite a well known band and not written by him at all.

Cluster B personality disorder maybe?

Sounds like a personality disorder. Narcissism is rife in my family (grandparents were and it's infiltrated each generation). My father just lies (anger issues, serial cheater too) and some more. He has to move house (county to county) because he pisses people off with it.
FB is toe curling embarrassing (daily) where they all comment on each others pics and ignore mine (not that I give an actual fuck). They don't like me because I don't play the silly game. I'm sorry you are going through this with your sister.

It's ok to step away and let her deal with the consequences. It sounds very stressful and they make it your problem when it's theirs. I'm completely the opposite and like Jim Carey in that film, the bit where he can't lie. I have no filter. My DD is the same and I much prefer our frank discussions, where we don't fall out because we both say it how it is and it's ok. DH is the same, lies are called out in our house.

I used to work with people with learning difficulties and it sounds very similar to one lady who was diagnosed with ‘borderline personality disorder’.

Why is she off work sick for a year? Is it mental health issues? Does she get counselling for it?

I have known people who exaggerate but only two fantasist. One had serious mental health issues and eventually had a huge breakdown and a spell in hospital. The second lied about lots of silly stuff. They had huge houses in prime locations they rented out but lived in their 2 bed house in a normal/slightly run down street, she co-owned her company, she knew lots of famous people who were always calling her up. None of it stacked up. Thankfully she was an acquaintance so I could distance.

There's two things here. Her SM behaviour and her outright lies.
The first is fairly typical of people on SM, portraying the perfect life, photos that make you look better, loads of people do that. It's not for me, but is so common I don't think it falls into the 'weird' category.
The other lies seem like they are generally self serving rather than 'pathological'. Book a make up artist you can't afford or change your mind about, so fob them off with a lie about an operation. Want to make someone feel extra sorry they left you alone, embroider your tale of the evenings events to make them feel guilty.
Somewhere along the way your sister has learned that there is more benefit to her from telling stories than from portraying herself authentically, and I very much doubt she'll change. She's not alone, loads of people do this, you just don't tend to know most of them well enough to know it.
You can challenge her on it if you like, but it won't go well. She'll just deny it and become upset/angry with you and you'll gain nothing.

She does sound similar to someone I know who was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder.

Nothing you say will change the way she behaves.

I had a friend who started out by exaggerating stories and eventually progressed to building a complete fantasy life where he 'persuaded' quite a few people to give him money for a business venture that never happened.

Whenever anyone was on his trail, his fallback position was to invent an illness as a way of distraction. Thankfully he was later exposed but pretty sure he never got any kind of treatment. I am absolutely sure he'll pop up again one day!

That's an extreme example but that's where this kind of behaviour can lead. Wonder if it's some kind of personality disorder?

Finding these posts interesting. Seeing a lot of similarities. Seems like they fake illnesses so they get special sympathetic treatment despite their self absorbed behaviour. Also seems like they throw tantrums when people don’t buy into their narratives to force them to go along. And the tall tales and embellishments, to remind people how special they are. Mine also constantly outdoes anything and everyone. Bring up anything, and they have a story up their sleeve outdoing it. I find it exhausting and boring. Low to no contact with most of them. Sometimes I think maybe I should be the bigger person but then I remember how they behave

This. She sounds desperately insecure and in need of constant reassurance.

If she's lost her job, no partner, no child, little money, and trying to keep up with more successful siblings, I'd imagine she's not having a great time and it's all getting out of hand.

Is she younger than you and your brother? Has she spent a lifetime trying to live up to you?

My mum and my sister are like this. My mum once told someone my disabled brother had died, my dad found out when he bumped into the person she told.

My mother and sister both have borderline personality disorder and my sister especially is difficult because she will actually not lie, she couldn't conceal a truth. When she lies she actually believes it in that moment or she has over time convinced herself these are true things.

We have been told not to confront the lies as this disrupts their take on reality and they become abusive.

Well everyone lies. But compulsive lying is a condition where you continually lie for no good reason, so yes there's a distinction.

Distance distance distance.

No point at all in trying to fix her, call her out on stuff etc. No point getting mad, it'll just raise your blood pressure but won't achieve anything positive. (Vent afterwards to non gossipy friends or DH ;) ! ).

When she comes out with BS or an actual lie, just stay schtum and raise your eyebrows (if annoying but pointless) or go, "Oh, I hadn't heard that! " and ask for details, if it actually matters (like, if a cousin was going to call off a visit to your Mum because Wierdo Sis had said Mum was ill/abroad/Not Seeing People). Sounds like you're handling that last bit well already tbh, if you're triggering her to "get back to people" and then vanish.

If people ask you awkward questions, just stick to, "As far as I know the situation is ... I don't why she said that, you'll have to ask her". Speak only for yourself and resist the temptation to comment on her (I was going to say, "anything more controversial than her kitchen cupboards", but thinking of my own relative who had a questionable relationship with the truth as I remembered it - you know what, just don't go there At All, Ever.).

I'm sure she's not the reincarnation of Hitler but it's a royal headfuck, so stay out of it all as much as you can!

My ex partner was like this. He could lie for England. Then when later challenged he would deny he ever said/did it.
Best days work I ever did was kicking him out

I was a compulsive liar as a child…for instance, I told so many people at school about my little brother Alex and things he would do and all sorts.

He did not exist. At all. And it’s to her credit that one of the people I lied to the most about him is still my best friend 32 years later, although she will occasionally still bring it up and take the piss about him, as she should!

I just remember desperately wanting a little brother (or many other things) and knowing I was lying as I said it, but having other people believe it made it feel real for a bit. I’m sure that’s what adult compulsive liars feel, and I do think social media has made it all so much worse.

I don’t know what you can do about it but you’re not at all wrong to be annoyed by it, and I think it will be an issue that comes to a head when you have the baby and throughout its life. You’ll have to draw very firm boundaries around your family life.

I would mute her on social media and stop calling her daily. Just take a step back from the drama.

You know what she's like so you've only got yourself to blame each time you get taken in by more lies or get annoyed at her making plans for your baby, etc.

When people ask after her or comment on things she's told them, just tell them you haven't seen her lately so you're not sure what she's up to.

Also, don't report back to her when people give her messages of 'get well soon', etc, as it just drags you straight back into the drama. She might be enjoying the fact people are feeling sorry for her and discussing her behind her back, so you reporting back to her might actually be encouraging her lies further.