To want to smack my mother in law

[yummymummyismyname]

Joking obviously 🤣🤣

My MIL has been staying with us since the 18th and isn't leaving until Monday as she lives in the UK so it is a long way to come (we live abroad). Frankly, she has been nothing but difficult since the day she arrived (3 days early!) and has spent the entire time critiquing my parenting skills whilst not offering to help with anything, she has not even offered to cook one meal or help wash up in her whole time here and I am thoroughly sick of it. My DH is out at work most days as he's a doctor so it is left up to me to host her as i'm a SAHM and I am sick to the back teeth of her. Naturally, DH thinks she's amazing and can do no wrong as he is a proper mummy's boy but he does not hear the rude way in which she speaks to me. What should I do to address this as DH won't listen to me when I complain to him and I can't have this again.

Thanks x

Say no and mean it. That's all.

It is very easy for people to say that you shouldn't put up with this sort of behaviour, but much harder to actually deal with in person. My MIL spent years making snide little comments to me when DH wasn't there, and he didn't believe me when I tried to tell him what she'd said - he thought I was either at best exaggerating, or at worst making it up. I didn't make a massive fuss on a regular basis because I didn't want to cause arguments. With hindsight I should have nipped it in the bud much sooner and found a way to deal with it, as it used to send me bonkers and eventually I completely lost my temper with her and shouted quite spectacularly. Which then made me appear to be the unreasonable one, and her the poor little thing. I can't spend long in her company at all without getting very irritated, and it is still a bone of contention between myself and my DH 15 or 20 years later. I would like to say I have an answer for you in how to deal with it, but I don't. I think that it is likely to cause friction between you and your DH if you record what she says, but it may be the only way to make him listen. Thankfully now my DC are older they can see her for what she is, and that makes it easier to deal with. Good luck...

Sit DH down and tell him that this is the second year in a row that you have hosted MIL while DH is at work. That you stand by every you said last time, in that she is rude, expects to be waited on and that you won’t do it again. If he wants MIL to stay, he will need to take time off work (it’s not your problem if he doesn’t have the spare holiday). It’s fine for him to want her to stay, but not okay for him to expect you to look after her.

Stand firm with what you will and won’t do in future and tell him that he needs to find an alternative solution, as you are not it.

Your DH is a twat and shouldn’t be forcing his mother on you for such long visits.

She sounds like a nightmare and that she isn’t very happy with you - perhaps she feels her precious golden child could have done better and is now taking it out on you?

Tell her to stop kvetching and to go stay with her daughters next time.

I feel for you, OP. My sister used to live abroad - in the end she and her husband used to buy the tickets for her MIL so that she only stayed as long as they wanted her to, because otherwise she would book an open ticket and stay for weeks on end. It is, unfortunately, the lot of the SAHM to have to look after the MIL when her DH is at work - I think you will simply have to tell your husband that while you understand that his DM will want to visit and see the grandchildren, as the bulk of the entertaining falls on you, it would be better to keep her visits shorter. Is there any chance that she could, say, come to you for a few days and then go to one of the sisters for a bit, then maybe come back to see her DGC again? At least that would give you a bit of a break!

She's not your responsibility. Grow a backbone and say no

You gave a h problem.

He needs to have your back and stop being such a mummy's boy.

*have

Definitely the ‘record her’ advice. If it is just shared between you and your DH, she won’t know anything about it, but it might give him a different perspective!

It is not illegal to record her so fill your boots and let him hear. If he chooses not to hear and deal with it play it back to her and ask her whether she thinks what she is saying is appropriate. It won't get addressed unless you address it.

I’m assuming it isn’t as easy as ltb if op is abroad and maybe can’t just get a job or take the dc ‘home’?

Op, I agree about recording her so your ‘d’h can see what you put up with.

Also could you just focus on going out with dc / or even just the younger one as the oldest one is old enough to look after the second oldest. I would just choose activities that she dislikes - noisy like soft play, children’s films at the cinema, swimming, climbing. So spend as much time away from her.

I did try that this year as we had exactly the same situation last year and I said never again, but i ended up giving in as he wore me down.

that in response to saying "no" to future visits. You're British? Just say if she's coming for 2 weeks, that he needs to be there because you will be in UK visiting your family. Or other version of this.

This. Reading through your posts I’m not sure you really want solutions as you reject all suggestions and act like you have no free will. If you do nothing then this will just continue.

"she stays in a hotel or I do" and mean it - (I know it's very difficult as a sahm) be perfectly happy to move out into a hotel for 4 weeks (you may need to take tiny children with you) . "I can come over to visit 😀"

different family member but did work for me, suddenly them staying in a hotel doesn't seem so unreasonable well if they come you're forking out for a hotel either way either she stays in it or I do.

You seem to have an excuse for every but if shitty behaviour that you’re putting up with.
Either grow up and act grown up, or put up with her shit. We all know you’d never slap your mil.

Nibidy is making you behave so pathetic l that’s a choice you are making,

We have a similar problem as my in laws are due for a visit in the next couple of months. 1) they stay in a hotel 2) I'll go off and do my own thing and leave ds with them as they are visiting to see gc right? So what better way for them to spend quality time! 3) Do my own thing, speak on the phone to friends family, order take outs, stay in your room, do laundry, paint your bedroom, do your garden and literally anything you wouldn't do as long as you don't spend one on one time 4) make sure they have a return ticket before visiting.

I live in a 2 bed flat so this helps but also despite planning to expand, I've put that off as one bed is for me and dh and the second is for ds leaving them no space to stay. Which is sad for delaying something due to my in-laws and it affecting the way I want to live my life freely. I have a DH problem too but we manage it like this and he makes it a bit easier for me when they are around by booking the hotels which have breakfast, taking them out etc so I will have less to complain about etc.

The problem is, I'm a kind and thoughtful person and when you host people who bitch behind your back and are nasty then I'm no saint and I can't put on a mask with a smiling face being kind. Relationships work both ways.

Also overtime I've learnt great comebacks thanks to all the nasty, sly and snarky comments I've received from them. Before I had these comebacks in my head but was afraid to say it in case I hurt them but now I don't give a shit about their feelings as they should have thought about mine in the first place.

In front of your husband ask her to help with the washing up or clearing away.

How! She has to stay for the entire duration of a religious festival (8 days) and then wants to stay for my eldest DC's bday which is the end of december so it's very tricky

Perhaps she could go to one of the daughters in between? Or she gets to do one or the other but not both.

Is your husband abusive? You sound a bit scared of him. 'throw up a huge fit', what does that look like? Shouting? Verbal abuse directed at you?
You need to think about what this woman's behaviour is teaching your kids. They're watching mum being criticised and tolerating it.
Time to stand up for yourself. This is your home and you should have a say in who stays in it, and that shouldn't include people who are rude and disrespectful to you.

Don't do what I did - I tolerated over 20 years of rudeness from FIL... (Disclaimer - I put up with because I am a bloody idiot and brought up to expect crap). Anyway I flipped after a fairly nasty but standard comment about my appearance. It was a fairly momentous flip and I called him nasty and selfish (both true btw), and told him to get out. He tried to ride the victim status for a while but I was miraculously cured of my habit of accepting nastiness and just did not care anymore. My DH knew I had reached the end of acceptance and was supportive.

I was lucky though - my FIL was clearly nasty... it's the slyer and quieter nastiness that can do the most damage. At least she lives in another country!

^ This!

Take your dcs to see your parents next year. It's your turn to decide, and a perfectly legitimate choice. Don't your parents get a look in?

And if he throws a fit, so what? Why does he get to decide? If he gets really ratty, just go without him.

Am disappointed to see the title still stands, after reporting it and getting the feedback that it's being looked into. Anyone else?

Speak up for yourself. If she is upsetting you and crossing your boundaries say something. Deal with it at source. People who are doing that require you absorbing it to keep it up. Genuinely comment in the moment.