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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Teen strop this morning - Am I being unfair?

120 replies

leyla1985 · 30/12/2022 12:02

Teen DD 16 wants to go and see her friend today as they are doing a secret Santa gift exchange. Friend lives 30 mins drive away, so 1 hour round trip if I take her.

She has the option to get the bus, she doesn't want to. I've said I'm happy to do one journey but don't want to do both, ie I'll take her but not doing pick up (or vice versa). She's upset and annoyed with me, asking why I can't pick her up later.

The options I've presented to her are:

  1. I'll take you there and you get the bus home later
  2. Get the bus there and I'll collect you later
  3. I'll take you there and you can wait for DH to finish work later (9pm) and he will collect you (he works nearby to friends house)
  4. Stay overnight at friend's (has been offered by friend).

She's rejected all of those. She wants me to take her this afternoon around 2pm and collect** her a couple hours later around 5pm. She says 9pm is too late for DH to bring her home, she doesn't want to get the bus, and doesn't want to stay overnight.

AIBU to not do both trips? That's 2 hrs out of my day when she could just as easily do one of the other 4 options. Is she being stroppy and unreasonable here or am I mean? 🤷‍♀️

OP posts:
honeylulu · 30/12/2022 12:59

My response to my teen would be "well you'll just have to want then". Sounds like one lift is entirely fair. If she doesn't like that then she doesn't exactly have anything to barter with. Pandering to demands is not good for anyone.

My own mother would have said I couldn't go at all for daring to answer back. (I'm not quite that harsh!)

Allergictoironing · 30/12/2022 13:01

leyla1985 · 30/12/2022 12:09

Could you explain how please?

Show quote history

There are some posters on MN who seem to think that if you are a parent, your entire life should be dedicated to indulging every whim of your DC.

I knew people like that, who indulged their kids in every way. BIG shock for the kids when they found out that they would have to work for a living, money didn't grow on trees, employers expected them to put in the hours they were paid for, and cooking/washing/cleaning etc. didn't get done by the house fairies.

Original poster
leyla1985 · 30/12/2022 13:01

@TrashyPanda

That was an offer on the table anyway - I'd already agreed to do one or other of the trips but not both. So I was already committed to wasting an hour of my time and the fuel, but not 2 hours. As long as she doesn't leave me sitting outside the friend's house for ages! If she does I'll give her a warning and then just leave.

OP posts:
Marblessolveeverything · 30/12/2022 13:02

Nope, you have been more than fair. It's your annual leave and you have offered her several reasonable options.

Not being a doormat and valuing your time for you over her want is an important lesson for her to learn and model. You are doing her a favour.

Mrsweasleysclock · 30/12/2022 13:04

Going to give the benefit of the doubt here. Is there a reason she would like to be home for the evening? Maybe she's just in her feelings a bit and wants to be cared for and is not doing a great job at expressing it. If she's generally quite reasonable with this stuff I would just do the trips.

CrystalCoco · 30/12/2022 13:04

I'd have been tempted to close the conversation by telling her all of your kind offers are now off the table, she can make her own way there and back and she's only got herself to blame.

Original poster
leyla1985 · 30/12/2022 13:06

Mrsweasleysclock · 30/12/2022 13:04

Going to give the benefit of the doubt here. Is there a reason she would like to be home for the evening? Maybe she's just in her feelings a bit and wants to be cared for and is not doing a great job at expressing it. If she's generally quite reasonable with this stuff I would just do the trips.

She said it's because she's staying out at a different friend's house tomorrow night and doesn't want to be out two nights running. She wants a night at home too.

OP posts:
Hungrycaterpillarsmummy · 30/12/2022 13:07

Off the actual driving topic but it seems to me there is a reason she doesn't want to hang around...has she got one of the friends (I assume it's a group thing?) Something horrible and she wants to just drop it off and leave?
Is there bullying going on?something is going on

Mrsweasleysclock · 30/12/2022 13:10

That's a fair enough reason to want to come home at a decent time, but not for not getting the bus one way so I think your compromise of taking her and bringing her straight back is spot on.

NRCOA · 30/12/2022 13:10

leyla1985 · 30/12/2022 12:57

So we've had a major "fine I just won't go then" strop. Which has now progressed to "will you just wait outside the house and I'll just drop off the present instead and come home straight away with you". I've agreed to that as one as long as I'm not outside the house all bloody afternoon! I've told her she drops off and comes straight back out. I'm not sure why she doesn't want to stay for the actual gift exchange, but there you go!

Given that you had offered to do a one-way trip, this is a fair compromise.

However, I would be making it clear that I would NOT be waiting longer than 10/15 mins (however long you are prepared to wait).

2bazookas · 30/12/2022 13:11

"You've been offered multiple options and rejected them all, so all offers have been withdrawn. This is not negotiable. You're on your own. "

Stick to it. Do NOT facilitate behaviour like hers.

Crunchymum · 30/12/2022 13:14

So she wants you to do an hours round trip at 2pm and then again at 5pm?

Fuck that. Absolutely do not give in to her on this.

Crunchymum · 30/12/2022 13:15

Looks like it's been sorted. I look forward to see how long you are left waiting in the car 😂

clarcats · 30/12/2022 13:16

Dontlikeveg · 30/12/2022 12:21

Personally, after her not accepting your generous offer of one drop off/pick up, I would retract any offer and tell her to get the bus for both trips. After all she's not 9 years old!

That's the kind of thing I do for my 18yr old. She'll ask for a lift, sit in the car in her permanent grump and get cross as me for asking questions about who's going to be there (at the party/pub etc) . The other week I was taking her to a party-it was 'too late' (7ish) for her to arrange to get herself there by bus or by train so could I take her. After several impolite responses to various reasonable questions/attempts at conversations, I stopped the car, told her to get out and walk the rest of the way.

Blueberrymuffin03 · 30/12/2022 13:16

Surprised by the replies. If she was my daughter I'd drop her off and pick her up, no problem.

TheTurn0fTheScrew · 30/12/2022 13:18

Yeah, very reasonable. My 12 and 15yos regularly make their own way to a particular activity even if I'm off work, as the time and location means that I get caught in the rush hour traffic on the way back. They can see that me taking 60-90 mins out of my day to save them 15mins is disproportionate. I'm very happy to pick them in the evening, when the same journey is a 40min round trip, and then they don't have to hang about in the dark.

Blueeyedgirl21 · 30/12/2022 13:23

@Blueberrymuffin03 do you have nothing better to do than be a free taxi for a perfectly capable 16 year old

mamaduckbone · 30/12/2022 13:24

We have had this argument so many times with ds17 albeit with shorter journeys generally, and it is finally sinking in. Stick to your guns!

Blueberrymuffin03 · 30/12/2022 13:27

'Taxi' are you serious 😂 you call yourself a taxi if your kid what's a lift! Now I've heard it all.

keri17 · 30/12/2022 13:28

She’s 16? Ffs no, if she can’t take one of your perfectly reasonable options then she’ll just have to learn!

>I had a shit job and lived alone at 16 and used buses everywhere!

tigger1001 · 30/12/2022 13:29

leyla1985 · 30/12/2022 13:01

@TrashyPanda

That was an offer on the table anyway - I'd already agreed to do one or other of the trips but not both. So I was already committed to wasting an hour of my time and the fuel, but not 2 hours. As long as she doesn't leave me sitting outside the friend's house for ages! If she does I'll give her a warning and then just leave.

I would be saying "I will be leaving at x time/wait x minutes. If you are not back in the car, I will assume you are just getting the bus home and be leaving".

Squiblet · 30/12/2022 13:29

ChristmasChair · 30/12/2022 12:08

Yabu!!!!!

Found the daughter!

tigger1001 · 30/12/2022 13:32

Blueberrymuffin03 · 30/12/2022 13:27

'Taxi' are you serious 😂 you call yourself a taxi if your kid what's a lift! Now I've heard it all.

Yep.

If you spend all your free time ferrying them back and forward when they have alternatives, then you are being a taxi.

I do actually have other stuff to do in my time off, and I regularly point out the cost of fuel. He has a bus pass, and thankfully he's fairly independent and gets the bus when able to.

Blueberrymuffin03 · 30/12/2022 13:32

When do parents stop calling it 'drop off'and start calling it being a' taxi' and just because I'd pick my child up 'I have nothing better to do'
Sorry this has absolutely tickled me 😂

remembertogetmilk · 30/12/2022 13:34

Well if your that easily amused @Blueberrymuffin03 Mumsnet must give you no end of joy.