Teen strop this morning - Am I being unfair?

[leyla1985]

Teen DD 16 wants to go and see her friend today as they are doing a secret Santa gift exchange. Friend lives 30 mins drive away, so 1 hour round trip if I take her.

She has the option to get the bus, she doesn't want to. I've said I'm happy to do one journey but don't want to do both, ie I'll take her but not doing pick up (or vice versa). She's upset and annoyed with me, asking why I can't pick her up later.

The options I've presented to her are:

1. I'll take you there and you get the bus home later
2. Get the bus there and I'll collect you later
3. I'll take you there and you can wait for DH to finish work later (9pm) and he will collect you (he works nearby to friends house)
4. Stay overnight at friend's (has been offered by friend).

She's rejected all of those. She wants me to take her this afternoon around 2pm and collect** her a couple hours later around 5pm. She says 9pm is too late for DH to bring her home, she doesn't want to get the bus, and doesn't want to stay overnight.

AIBU to not do both trips? That's 2 hrs out of my day when she could just as easily do one of the other 4 options. Is she being stroppy and unreasonable here or am I mean? 🤷‍♀️

YANBU.

I'd tell her to get the bus there and pick her up later.

Just seen she is 16, which is even worse!

driving unnecessarily is one of the causes of climate change. There’s a bus. She needs to use it.

Tell her you've given her choices and she's got half an hour to decide or all offers will be withdrawn.

Remind her that you don’t have a chauffeur so why the hell does she think she deserves one?
you've offered:

public transport then a rude from you.
a ride from you then public transport.
wait for DH to pick her up.
overnight visit.

I’d offer her alternative 5 with no other options, she doesn’t go! Final offer.

YANBU. You did miss out another option though. Stay home.

I'm firmly in the "Here's your return bus fare. Have a nice time!" camp.

I want to know why she can't accept any of those choices? People behave for a reason, I want to know what that reason is.

You could add a few other options for her:

1. Get a taxi that she will have to pay for somehow
2. Get a bus there and back herself
3. Don't go

Those are also very valid options and she needs them posed to her to show how reasonable you are being. If she doesn't WANT to take your offer then she needs to learn there are consequences (that she won't get to see her friend). I would make the other options MUCH more attractive and to do that is to offer much worse alternatives!

Teens generally think everything is unfair.

I think you mean "always". 😁

YANBU definitely not.

She's just pushing to see how far she can push you.

say to her 'I am not wasting 2 hours if MY day iff to drive you around when you can easily get the bus or stay over. I had kindly offered to give up one hour of my day to unnecessarily take you or pick you up. but your attitude is dreadful, so if you want to go, get the bus there and back or wait for DH at 9 or stay over. I am not your chauffeur. Nor will I be spoken to like that.

sometines they just need telling & reminding that you don't exist simply to run around after them!!

stand firm.

I agree with this.

We also live in a semi rural place but my eldest (16) knows that I expect him to use the bus as much as possible and not expect me to drop everything im doing to ferry him about.

That said I do offer, but like the op it's with take or drop off. He learned pretty quickly that there was no point sulking and demanding more as it ended up him not going anywhere.

So she is saying rather than her taking 45 mins on a bus, you should spend an hour to pick her up.
Of course she doesn't want to get the bus, who does if there's easier options available? It doesn't mean that her wants trump yours. The compromise is that you give her a lift one way, rather than making her get the bus both ways. Personally I'd tell her if she doesn't stop whingeing she won't get a lift at all.

Exactly this.

Option 5 - dont go at all. I think you have offered plenty of acceptable and reasonable options.

For balance, I asked my 12 year old who said yanbu and teen is "being ridiculous".

I thought this thread would be different! You are being more than reasonable - you have offered one lift and a choice of when she takes it, as well as alternative options. I wouldn't back down if I were you. It is your time off and you get to spend it on your own needs and wants as well as everyone elses!

Teens are cfs. Stand firm.

You’re being more than fair, one way is perfectly generous.

Tell her 5at since she hasn’t accepted your very generous offer, it is no longer available. Bus both ways.

She's being selfish and disrespectful. Give her the choices one last time and make it clear it's the last time you are offering.

I'm surprised you even offered to drive her one way.

She's fifteen. If she wants to see her friend that badly, she can catch the bus both directions!

At her age I lived a 40 min drive from my friends and never once had a lift. Two buses and a train repeatedly.

YANBU.

So we've had a major "fine I just won't go then" strop. Which has now progressed to "will you just wait outside the house and I'll just drop off the present instead and come home straight away with you". I've agreed to that as one as long as I'm not outside the house all bloody afternoon! I've told her she drops off and comes straight back out. I'm not sure why she doesn't want to stay for the actual gift exchange, but there you go!

I’m firmly in the “at 16 she pays her own bus fares” camp!

she’s old enough to get married or join the army - she isn’t a wee kid.

i bet she uses her age to negotiate later curfews/more pocket money etc. well, it cuts both ways.

I think in general MN is too hard on teenagers but in this instance I think you have been more than reasonable with your options.

As a teenager my parents never took me anywhere, which meant I was a little ostracised at school because we lived rurally and I never got to see them outside of school, so I tend to side with the teenagers in threads like this but no, definitely YANBU.

Oh dear.

so she has manipulated you into wasting a hour of your time and an hours worth of petrol.

bad result. She’s got you running around after her, throwing money into the air.