Fiancé’s family 🤦‍♀️

[ApexCabbageMonster]

Together for 5 years. We have a 1 year old together. Planned to get married before lockdown.

Mother and sister have always picked on me and just excluded me from things. My partner has asked them what the issue is and they say there isn’t one.

after our son was born. Neither of them came to visit, they just asked how the baby was. The sister asked my partner to bring the baby to her house when our son was 3 days old. He told her he can’t because I’m breastfeeding. She then suggested she meet him at a restaurant or someplace similar to us to make it easier. He again declined stating the baby is cluster feeding.

Since our son has been born. Either one have not visited. They send messages such as “goodnight to you and Theo” or “huge Theo kisses from me” or “merry Christmas to you and Theo”. I know they don’t have to like me. However, this is an blatant attempt to exclude me somehow. My MIL said she will not bother with our child. They act as thought he doesn’t exist and yet my fiancé allows this continue. If my family treated my partner this way and acted as thought 💭 or child didn’t exist. I’d struggle with my relationship with them.

what advice would you have for me and what is your perception of this situation. I will answer questions if you need more information. I’m not seeking validation, just to see whether this behaviour is normal and whether you’d expect more from your SO.

I wouldn't allow my family to treat DH like this. They are making it very obvious they don't want to be a part of your life. I don't think there is anything you can do, your DH needs to tell them to stop being idiots, or they won't have a relationship with your child, if they are ok with that, then there isn't really much you can do. Shit as it is.

@purpleboy thanks for the response. When they’re denying there even being an issue, difficult to sort it out. It’s just a terrible situation as now the dad is buying into their rubbish and he’s been separated from the mum for over a decade. It’s really difficult.

Don't marry him until he puts his foot down about this

Were you definitely excluded from the invite to their house or a restaurant?

If so that’s really not on.

@glittermoomoo I am definitely at a crossroads. It’s difficult to see whether or not I’m asking for too much or placing him in a difficult situation. The other part of me says me and our son now come first as we are a family. Idk.

@Wishawisha yeah, I wasn’t invited. I expected my fiancé to say something about this. Yet he used the reason I’m nursing other than explaining why it’s out of pocket.

Sounds like my MIL and SIL.

They’re now the in-laws we don’t speak to because husband cut them off too.

(There are other reasons but MILs treatment of me was a massive part of her being cut off).

@StrawberryWater sounds like a dream. What were their reasons or just because?

In his position I would ask my mum and DSis why they were specifically not including DH in their messages, or consideration of meeting DS
and eventually I would tell them not to bother contacting me if they couldnt at least be civil about DH. And it sounds like you’d do the same for your DP.

the fact that you are the person from the couple who went through birth and is breast feeding, then him protecting you is even more pivotal.
they’re not being kind but he needs to look out for the mother of his child. It’s a difficult position for him to be in, but that’s tough and it’s not your fault

She’s a manipulative alcoholic (very nice to your face but turn your head away even to sneeze and she’ll stab you in the back). She was caught out in a huge lie that had massive repercussions for everyone involved.

Not someone I wanted ds exposed to.

It was the final straw. Not spoken to her in nearly 10 years. It’s been pure bliss.

Presumably they were like this before you had dc?

but this is a dh problem if he’s going to let them treat you like this.

@Christmasnero i would do the same. I think it’s so out of order to treat me like this. Then denying they’re even doing it.

@StrawberryWater Sounds awful. Glad it all worked out in the end.

@Marypuppuns they were, they’ve always been horrible. Didn’t once check how my pregnancy was going, nothing.

even Christmas cards are made out to my SO and DS. I’m never included in the cards.

Absolutely unacceptable.

Your dp must be able to see cards are not addressed to you ? Proving they have an issue.

I'm in a similar position but difference is MIL makes it known to the whole family she does not accept me. Openly disrespecting me infront of kids and being a drama queen. 3 months ago I've cut contact and with my children. For lots of reasons.

I'm guessing your dp takes your child to visit them without you ? I'd make the decision whether you want to cut contact with yourself and if they are good to your child then carry on having dp doing visits. It will be a lot less stress for you and just wash your hands with them.

If you don't want that then you start visits as a family and show you are a unit. But your dp needs to be on board and make sure you aren't left to feel uncomfortable. He needs to shut them down straight away. He should have addressed the car situation straight away. And I would be texting back saying good night from me then and YOUR NAME. Making it obvious he's noticed.

Yes dp should put you and your child first. If roles were reversed you would never let your family treat him this way. Its toxic and something you don't need in your lives.

@Ravenrobin309 how old are your children? My fiancé just goes along with it and it’s not fair. They’ve never met our son. I refuse to allow my partner to take him without me. I’m not even allowed to know where his sister lives and on occasion I’ve picked him up from there. I have to park a street over and he walks to me. I won’t allow my child to go to a house where I can’t even know where it is. Also, it makes me uncomfortable that our child could possibly learn this behaviour towards me is acceptable or that I’m the problem.

Have you ever met them? If you can't know where the houses are, that is very odd. If you have met them, where was it? It's very unusual. Have you asked you fiancé why you can't know where the sister lives? What's the big secret and if so, what was his response? Is it him that's saying for you to pick him up away from the house, or the sister? Surely if the sister has suggested this, he would know why and be able to explain to you and if this was him that suggested it, then why? I would have so many questions.

Whilst some in laws are not the most welcoming or pleasant, their treatment towards you most definately isn't ok. You have been very understanding of this when you shouldn't need to be. I feel for you. It can't be easy.

@Kmwa i have been to the mums house a handful of times in the beginning. I would never be invited to BBQ’s, birthdays or anything. In the early days I wasn’t invited to my fiancés birthday gathering around there. The sister moved house and I’m not allowed to know where this is as she doesn’t want me in her business. Not a clue so don’t ask.

so he explained to me she’s being silly and he cannot be bothered with the drama. So I wait a road over and he meets me there.

it is difficult and I’m sick of him always aiming to olease them. He says he’s doing it to pacify them but it just feels like so much more.

@ApexCabbageMonster

My dd is 5 and son is 4 months. They have also never met my son. When he was born MIL was very nasty to me after asking for a few days to settle in at home with him.. It went back and to for a few weeks and then I realised she attacked when I was most vulnerable and it was just unforgivable.

Why are you not allowed to know where SIL lives?. How can he say there is no issue when they haven't met your son!. I wouldn't be letting them met him after a year either. Like your going to let your most precious thing go somewhere you aren't welcome. I always thought I don't trust my MIL at all so why would I trust her alone with my kids.

I had argument after argument with dh over his mother and not defending me and dd at the time and he just couldn't stand up to her. So I gave him the opportunity, he never did so I stuck up for myself and my children. He's finally seen the light but it's took YEARS. He has also decided to go no contact after the way she's behaved.

Exactly why I have cut contact. It was unfair to dd and like you said didn't want her to think this toxic behaviour was OK. I wouldn't be happy if my dh was still having a relationship with them if they can't treat you well and haven't bothered to met your son. Seriously how can he see them and speak to them when they won't come and met his son ?. Aren't they angry about not meeting your son?

Unless he backs you on this and gets to the bottom of their issue with you don't marry him. He should be putting you and your son first.

I’m sorry but this is madness. You’ve done nothing and had no falling out with them at any point and yet they’ve decided that you’re such a liability you can’t even know where she lives? I’d be seriously concerned that your DH has been feeding them bullshit about you. If he has a functional relationship with his dm and SIL this simply doesn’t make sense.

@Ravenrobin309 you literally summed up my thoughts 💭 on matters. How can he possibly be ok and act normally around them
when they refuse to acknowledge his entire family and deny there being an issue. I cannot get my head around it. I don’t want to encourage anyone to cut anyone off. However, If it were me, I’d struggle that my family haven’t even made the effort. Our son is a while person, a real person and they’ve just not bothered all because of me. I cannot wrap my head around it but then again, it’s unhealthy to obsess over and I don’t want to carry that torch.

im glad your situation is sorted. Awful she tried to take advantage.

@Whatwouldnanado it’s very difficult and I’m struggling with the notion of marriage at this point.

@GereWeGoAgain it just doesn’t make sense does it. His sister, when I was first introduced to her rolled her eyes and walked off. That was my first ever encounter with her. Since then the mum and sister influence each other. It’s very hurtful.

@ApexCabbageMonster

It's awful he is still having a relationship with them when they won't acknowledge you. You are the child's mother. Your child is a part of you. You're protective and that's why they haven't met him. If he isn't willing to cut them off there will be issues. Like when your son is old enough to ask questions. Wondering why they don't want to met him. When dad is going to their house and wondering why he can't go with him. If he sees your dp saying this is OK then it will cause big confusion. You need to be united.

What have they said about not meeting him ? What has he said to them about not meeting him?.
I feel your dp isn't being up front with you and more is being said behind the scenes. If he isn't going to deal with it then I would message and ask them. Ask them why they are not interesting in your son.
You have nothing to lose at this point. If an argument starts and your dp takes their side then you know you can't be with him. It will be get worse in the future.

@ApexCabbageMonster
Does your dp ever take your son out without you ? Are you sure he isn't taking him to see them without your knowledge?
Otherwise I just can't see how he is ok with this !

You need a serious conversation with your fiancé. And let him know the impact it’s having. He needs to either cut them off or ensure their behaviour towards you changes! I’d never let me family treat my DH like that in a million years.

@Ravenrobin309 I’ve said iy will cause confusion. The sister sends silly messages like in my original post and the mum said she won’t bother with him. I sent the mum a photo of our son asking her to be in his life and she read it and blocked me. Later lied about me sending anything but I had proof. He’s yet to take our son our independently. They’re an hour drive away and 2 on public transport so he hasn’t taken him. I’d ne furious even if he suggested it.

@Nowhereelsetogo90 he said he’s sick of hearing about it.