Fiancé’s family 🤦‍♀️

[ApexCabbageMonster]

Together for 5 years. We have a 1 year old together. Planned to get married before lockdown.

Mother and sister have always picked on me and just excluded me from things. My partner has asked them what the issue is and they say there isn’t one.

after our son was born. Neither of them came to visit, they just asked how the baby was. The sister asked my partner to bring the baby to her house when our son was 3 days old. He told her he can’t because I’m breastfeeding. She then suggested she meet him at a restaurant or someplace similar to us to make it easier. He again declined stating the baby is cluster feeding.

Since our son has been born. Either one have not visited. They send messages such as “goodnight to you and Theo” or “huge Theo kisses from me” or “merry Christmas to you and Theo”. I know they don’t have to like me. However, this is an blatant attempt to exclude me somehow. My MIL said she will not bother with our child. They act as thought he doesn’t exist and yet my fiancé allows this continue. If my family treated my partner this way and acted as thought 💭 or child didn’t exist. I’d struggle with my relationship with them.

what advice would you have for me and what is your perception of this situation. I will answer questions if you need more information. I’m not seeking validation, just to see whether this behaviour is normal and whether you’d expect more from your SO.

Don’t marry him whilst he doesn’t have your back. This stuff about not knowing where his sister lives and them excluding you is childish nonsense. He calls them out, makes you and your baby his main focus or he’s gone. Nothing so unappealing as a man who allows his partner to be bullied.

Tell him you’re sick of being treated like shite and are on the verge of leaving him. These men need a wake up call!

I wanted to say be glad, at least you will have easy life without worrying about MIL. But your fiance is part of the problem. Is he going to do something about it? He should rip them apart for doing so. Card for him and your son? Fucking ridiculous. Tell him to sort it out and don’t marry him until done so.

@ApexCabbageMonster

Just terrible. It would be easier if he was willing to support you and you all cut them out your life. Maybe if he would actually confront them and cut them off they would realise how bad their behaviour is. Until then nothing will change. Even though I think it's past it now. You are done with them and he should be too. He's enabling them by acting as though everything is OK.

@OhWhatFuckeryIsThisNow I’m getting there, trust me. It’s awful not having that support. Or him being more concerned about their feelings and not my own.

@Nowhereelsetogo90 Hopefully things change. im sick of it and tbf, it’s more about our sons feelings and not my own. How will he feel in future.

@xogossipgirlxo its all so very childish. But it sims them up pretty well. They are childish and need to grow up. Some of the behaviours they portray are really mind blowing. It’s investing energy into being a horrible person to what gain.

@Ravenrobin309 i literally said to him today that he is enabling their behaviour and making them feel it’s ok to treat me as thought I don’t exist and to treat our son this way. With their actions, they’re simply saying it would be better if I wasn’t around.

things can only be amended if they were honest about their being an issue and for them to say what it is and potentially we could work on it. However, after the hurt and rejection. I’m behind the point if reconciliation.

This is absolutely crazy. Why on earth don’t they like you if they don’t know you? Does your partner know why? They sound terrible so whilst hurtful I wouldn’t want people like that near me or my child

Sounds like he's married

The MIL and SIL are so weird! What’s the backstory? Was your fiancé engaged/in a long term relationship with someone before you and now they’re comparing you to her? Or is there a big age gap between the two of you? Or you’re from very different backgrounds/jobs?

It’s even more hurtful that your fiancé isn’t standing up for you.

It all sounds very odd if there’s no backstory, did they treat you like this before you had your child?

Sorry, I should have expanded on my last question, how did they pick on you and exclude you before you had your child?

This baffles me so much. Are you certain that your fiance hasn't somehow created this. He visits alone, not brought your son ever, cards are addressed to hi. And your son but not you and you can't know the sisters new house location. Are you sure they realise that you are still a couple? It almost sounds like he's keeping you from them. I obviously could be completely wrong but I feel like there has to be more to this. Do you see your fiancé's friends? How long have you been together? Is he trustworthy or has their been some issues that maybe he has voiced to your MIL and SIL that have impacted their opinion of you? I wouldn't be ae to let this lie with my husband.

@GelPens1 I didn’t want to write too much as their treatment of me is a post within itself. They have simply ignored and excluded me from the jump. When I was introduced to his sister. She rolled her eyes and brushed passed me. She would discuss plans without including me. The mum would exclude me and would refer to me as an outsider. She would also make snide comments when my partner wasn’t around such as “shouldn’t you be going home”
when I was at his house. I’m 33 and he’s 34. We both met working for the same company. Now we are both professionals. I’m doing my phd and he’s in a senior management position. Similar cultural backgrounds.

@LittleSpringSnowdrop yes backstory is a bit long. So much to it. I didn’t want to distract away from what really bothers me which is the lack of support. I’m quiet frankly sick of explaining the back story which is probably why I didn’t want to write it. Also, difficult to paraphrase when it such an emotional subject. Before we had our son, they were nasty then too.

@Kmwa he had a girlfriend for 5 years. Mum didn’t like her either but didn’t exclude her. His ex referred to his mum as a bitch and his sister as disgracefully selfish. I think since with me, he’s stuck up for himself more. My family we are really outspoken yet diplomatic. We are encouraged to think independently and act accordingly. Whereas his family, they have two leaders which are their parents and they have to obey otherwise they withhold affection.

my partner is trustworthy. We spend time with his friends and their children a lot of the time as they have children similar age to our ds. They’ve all been baffled by his families behaviour. I get along with his friends and their partners / wives. Everyone is lovely all expect the mother, sister and now the father.

He has tried in the past to get to the bottom of things. However, they’ve always maintained there isn’t an issue but their actions say differently. Sort of gaslighting us. I think he got to the point of just wanting to be amicable through people pleasing.

his sister and mum used me in the beginning for things such as lifts in my car and taking things from me. I guess I was trying to make them like me but I soon realised I was being taken advantage of and I stopped. His sister would talk about me to her friends as when I’d see them her friends would give me dirty looks or move if I stood close to them. Just really foul treatment. It’s even worse when you don’t know the cause or reason.

what bothers me is his continuation to be polite and nice to her friends when they’re not even family.

I know you probably find it difficult the thought of you and dp breaking up over this but really this is a huge issue.
It's not just about your feelings now it's about your son and the hurt it will cause in the future. He needs to see that.

After giving birth and the drama that followed I just had enough, I packed the car up with my stuff and left. We had a big conversation and I told him he was enabling it and I would not put my dd through it anymore. He could finally see how serious I was and I did make it clear if he continued to act like nothing was wrong with her I wouldn't be with him. So I guess I did give an ultimatum. I just couldn't have stayed with him if he was doing what your dp is doing

He's avoiding a big argument at the cost of your feelings. Where is his respect for you the mother of his child?.

@Ravenrobin309 I agree with you. Since our son, I’ve taken it all more seriously. I didn’t want to give ultimatums or be the reason why he stopped speaking to them. However, I won’t be the cause, they would be the cause.

Im glad your situation worked out.

The complete lack of respect, no intention of normal family life is really disturbing. Is thus really the environment you want to live in, possibly bring more children into? Are you financially independent? Make plans to extricate yourself.

This is weird. Why is your fiancé not telling them to get to fuck? Don’t marry him while he isn’t tackling them about their batshittery.

If your husband needs a lift home from his sisters,tell him to get a taxi,why are you facilitating this disrespectful behaviour. It's like he's ashamed of you, or afraid to stand up to them,is he a man or a mouse? What is his explanation going to be to your child when he inevitably notices how bizarre his aunt and grandmas attitude to his mother is? Make it his problem .

They live an hours drive away. Foes dp really have that much contact with them? Id just blank them from my life and dc and let dp deal with them.

All valid and appreciated responses - thank you. So he’s going there for dinner tomorrow. I also found out his mother sent him a text “I love you, I just don’t want you to waste your time on someone who’s not worth it”. His response “I know what you mean mum, I love you too”.

Erm… I asked him about this and he said he just couldn’t be bothered to argue with her. Yes his mum is majorly unreasonable and goes to the ends of the earth to make his life hell if need be. But at what point will he put us first?

Very upsetting way to go into the NY. I explained that this will impact our LO as he grows and understands more. He said he understands and asked what I expect him to do as he’s sick of being stuck in the middle of peoples shit. First of all, I’m a victim here as his our ds. I won’t be the one to suggest he cuts these people off. I won’t be the bad guy when he feels like throwing things back at me one day.

Thats shockingly awful. You should leave him. He has no respect for you and its up to you to show an example to your child this behaviour is not acceptable

Your partner is enabling this manipulation and bullying.

does he think his family will be allowed at your wedding? I certainly wouldn’t be marrying someone who lets his family treat and talk about you like this.

I think whilst his family are an issue. It’s actually your DP that’s the problem. His response to his mums text is disgusting. If this was my partner he’d be an ex quite soon.

Any talk/chance of relationship counselling for you and him to make you a stronger team?

his mother sent him a text “I love you, I just don’t want you to waste your time on someone who’s not worth it”. His response “I know what you mean mum, I love you too”.

This is bordering on unforgiveable for me, and would take a mammoth and consistent effort on his part to win my trust and respect back.

At best he's spineless, at worst he's as bad as them. Good luck.

I fucking leave him for that. What a wanker