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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Mum with cancer and covid -brother won’t step up

76 replies

Pinkysunset · 28/12/2022 21:38

I’m so confused as what to think. I’m so scared and upset now I don’t know if I’m being unreasonable or not anymore.

the Friday evening before Xmas my mum who is undergoing chemo tested positive for covid.

my brother (who lives 5 miles from her) was supposed to be hosting her for Christmas. He said this was now impossible as she should isolate. He took her round a Christmas dinner and left it on the door step.

i had been at hers the week before and tested negative before I visited. I tested negative after too. I’m still negative after being her since Boxing Day.

we both have partners and school aged children- but no one clinically vulnerable.

I live 150 miles away. I immediately offered to pick her up and bring her to ours so she could have Xmas with us ( even if it was just being Ill in bed at ours and maybe joining us for a slice of cake if she felt up to it at any point. She refused this outright. I offered to spend Xmas day with her. She refused this too and wanted to just stay at home in bed. I know she wouldn’t have been feeling festive- but thought she should have some one to care for her and look after her. I came down on Boxing Day eve to look after her and cheer her up am still here. She agreed to this.

I took her to a and e today on the advice of the oncology team to get her bloods drawn and a chest X-ray. She needed antibiotics. Had she been alone this would not have happened and her infection could have become more serious

i told brother what was going on. He hasn’t called or even read the update texts I sent on WhatsApp.

brother said she should completely isolate and no one should be near her. He did take the gift she’d brought his kids when he dropped off the Xmas dinner and allowed his kids to open it. He would not take the gifts I’d brought his kids and allow them to open them. They were the gifts he specified I should buy for them and I really wanted them to have them- as I was pleased and excited I thought I had brought exactly what they wanted. I don’t see how it was riskier for them to have them than mother’s gift.

am I over reacting to think he’s being a bit of a dick?

TLDR
yabu= of course widowed, chemo covid mother should be left entirely alone to isolate over Christmas. Don’t risk any other family becoming infected.

Yanbu = brother should risk infection to assist mother and is being weird over gifts.

OP posts:
Coucous · 28/12/2022 21:45

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

MichelleScarn · 28/12/2022 21:49

It's hard but it really does depend. Is he then able to isolate himself? Would it affect his work/family if he caught it?

Original poster
Pinkysunset · 28/12/2022 21:52

MichelleScarn · 28/12/2022 21:49

It's hard but it really does depend. Is he then able to isolate himself? Would it affect his work/family if he caught it?

He works from home, so could isolate himself. I don’t start back at work till 5th so can isolate till then (longer if test positive)

OP posts:
Soapboxqueen · 28/12/2022 21:56

I think it depends. If your brother is usually pretty good, then he may just be being extra cautious.

If he's usually a dick, then he's just using covid as an excuse.

Tacocatgoatcheesepizza · 28/12/2022 21:58

Your brother is being a massive dick.

AmIThatMam · 28/12/2022 21:59

your brother should have come up with something better than ‘leave her to isolate’ if he’d taken suitable precautions, he could have gone round each day to check on her. If we have covid now, we are expected to go to work unless actually too poorly to work, so no different (in fact probably safer) to visit sick mother masked up if necessary. Your brother is a prick.

PritiPatelsMaker · 28/12/2022 22:07

The

user1477249785 · 28/12/2022 22:20

I'm surprised by the responses here. I think your brother is being monumentally selfish.

Ponderingwindow · 28/12/2022 22:26

You can’t be serious with this post.

your brother is being responsible.

People with your attitude to Covid are why CEV people are in danger just leaving their homes these days.

BakedTattie · 28/12/2022 22:32

my mum died from cancer just as covid struck. Nothing and nobody would have stopped me being with her, when she was at her most vulnerable, ill and helpless. Nothing. covid or not. nothing.

but sadly, I have a brother also like yours op. Prioritises himself above others.

I know how you feel. It’s a horrible feeling, but I am ok in the knowledge I did all I could for my mum. And it sounds like you are doing all you can for yours too.

Unfortunately (as I’ve found), not all of us are the same.

Original poster
Pinkysunset · 28/12/2022 22:36

Ponderingwindow · 28/12/2022 22:26

You can’t be serious with this post.

your brother is being responsible.

People with your attitude to Covid are why CEV people are in danger just leaving their homes these days.

How am I endangering cev people though? I’m not taking her out and about and only took her to hospital on oncology’s advice. Am just in her house with her- instead of her being alone. I don’t get it. Said will isolate before returning to work. What am I doing wrong?

OP posts:
Greenfairydust · 28/12/2022 22:37

So you think everyone should put themselves at risk of getting Covid from your mother?

I had the virus early this month and frankly although I had all the vaccines/boosters, it was exhausting and painful and it took me a while to recover.

You never know how someone is going to react to Covid. People who on paper are not at risk may still get very ill.

So of course your brother is concerned about getting infected and passing it on to other people, including his kids/partner. So should you be.

Yes it is worrying that your mother had to deal with the virus when she is already struggling with chemo treatment but I don't see the logic in expecting people to put themselves and their families in harm's way.

CheesesandWines · 28/12/2022 22:38

I think you need to reasses who is being unreasonable here. Your brother is the sensible one out of you two. You want to try to spread COVID as much as possible? 150 miles in a car with someone with covid is really silly. Will you be wearing an FFP3 with the windows down. Saying that your brother should have donned some PPE and taken her to A and E if that's what Oncology team advised.

mynameiscalypso · 28/12/2022 22:42

MN is a weird bubble when it comes to Covid. I'm CEV and think your brother is being a massive dick. I wouldn't have left a vulnerable family member to isolate in the same circumstances. I'm not sure what massive risk your brother is avoiding by ignoring your calls and WhatsApps as well...I hope your mum is on the road to recovery now.

sixfeetabove · 28/12/2022 22:46

I'm on the fence. I can see both perspectives here.

What has your Db done wrong apart from not reading your messages?

It sounds like she wanted to be alone Christmas Day and refused your initial offer?

Do you think he should have still had her at his house with the kids and for them all to have covid?

I'm not quite sure what you think he should have done. I don't agree that it's black and white, of course he wouldn't want his whole household to catch covid at Christmas.

I'm not sure 1 persons health trumps the health of 4 other people. I had covid a few months ago and was ill for 6 weeks, in bed for 2 of them.

Original poster
Pinkysunset · 28/12/2022 22:46

I guess to me the risk of me getting covid was less worrying to me than the knowledge of mum being alone and scared and sick.

my brother clearly has differing priorities.

it’s interesting to hear differing reactions though. I posted on here for opinions.

OP posts:
Flamingogirl08 · 28/12/2022 22:48

You won't get reasonable responses here because MN are really obsessed with Covid. Of course you're not unreasonable, your poor Mum

user1477249785 · 28/12/2022 22:49

I'm honestly really perplexed by the responses here. Your mum has cancer and covid. She needs someone to look after her. This feels straightforward to me.

Unforgettablefire · 28/12/2022 22:49

Sorry, but after having covid and genuinely thinking it was going to kill me I was that ill I'd also be staying away.
Not just to protect myself but others too.
I'm with your db he's got every right not to want covid.

Rogue1001MNer · 28/12/2022 22:54

Your brother is a grade-A cunt.

Feel free to tell him I said this Xmas Grin

PinkiOcelot · 28/12/2022 23:01

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Dixiechickonhols · 28/12/2022 23:03

I think it depends on your mum - is she scared and upset or was she quite happy at home alone.
If he gets Covid then there’s no one nearby to get things for your mum etc.

Aprilx · 28/12/2022 23:06

Ponderingwindow · 28/12/2022 22:26

You can’t be serious with this post.

your brother is being responsible.

People with your attitude to Covid are why CEV people are in danger just leaving their homes these days.

Did you read it right? The mother is the one that is vulnerable and she already has covid. Healthy brother is refusing to see his mother and leaving her on her own for what could be her last Christmas just in case he catches something. Selfish arse.

ScrollingLeaves · 28/12/2022 23:09

How am I endangering cev people though? I’m not taking her out and about and only took her to hospital on oncology’s advice. Am just in her house with her- instead of her being alone. I don’t get it. Said will isolate before returning to work. What am I doing wrong?

You aren’t doing anything wrong. Nobody has to isolate.

Well done for doing the right thing. I hope your mother will be a bit better soon.

Lexi868 · 28/12/2022 23:09

YADNBU you brother is acting like a knob in this situation