Mum with cancer and covid -brother won’t step up

[Pinkysunset]

I’m so confused as what to think. I’m so scared and upset now I don’t know if I’m being unreasonable or not anymore.

the Friday evening before Xmas my mum who is undergoing chemo tested positive for covid.

my brother (who lives 5 miles from her) was supposed to be hosting her for Christmas. He said this was now impossible as she should isolate. He took her round a Christmas dinner and left it on the door step.

i had been at hers the week before and tested negative before I visited. I tested negative after too. I’m still negative after being her since Boxing Day.

we both have partners and school aged children- but no one clinically vulnerable.

I live 150 miles away. I immediately offered to pick her up and bring her to ours so she could have Xmas with us ( even if it was just being Ill in bed at ours and maybe joining us for a slice of cake if she felt up to it at any point. She refused this outright. I offered to spend Xmas day with her. She refused this too and wanted to just stay at home in bed. I know she wouldn’t have been feeling festive- but thought she should have some one to care for her and look after her. I came down on Boxing Day eve to look after her and cheer her up am still here. She agreed to this.

I took her to a and e today on the advice of the oncology team to get her bloods drawn and a chest X-ray. She needed antibiotics. Had she been alone this would not have happened and her infection could have become more serious

i told brother what was going on. He hasn’t called or even read the update texts I sent on WhatsApp.

brother said she should completely isolate and no one should be near her. He did take the gift she’d brought his kids when he dropped off the Xmas dinner and allowed his kids to open it. He would not take the gifts I’d brought his kids and allow them to open them. They were the gifts he specified I should buy for them and I really wanted them to have them- as I was pleased and excited I thought I had brought exactly what they wanted. I don’t see how it was riskier for them to have them than mother’s gift.

am I over reacting to think he’s being a bit of a dick?

TLDR
yabu= of course widowed, chemo covid mother should be left entirely alone to isolate over Christmas. Don’t risk any other family becoming infected.

Yanbu = brother should risk infection to assist mother and is being weird over gifts.

My brother housed my Dad when he had Covid. This was before vaccines were available. I consider us to be a normal family. I mean, you’ve probably all had it, and been triple vaxxed. I don’t see the issue. People are nuts about Covid.

Quite right, I accidentally opened a covid hysteria thread this morning and thought I'd time travelled back to 2020!

Why is it just down to the brother??

Your brother is just being a typical son. About as useful as a chocolate teapot and no ROI for your dear mother.
I bet she’s ever grateful she had you.

Your DB is a selfish arsehole.
And you OP are an Angel.

The fact that your DB hasn’t responded to your messages and WhatApps is fucking disgusting and is almost worse than avoiding his very poorly DM when she most needs him the most.

If my DM or DF had cancer and Covid, there’s NO way I would ever avoid being around them, especially at Christmas. My DC would do the same for me.

I can’t believe some PPs are defending his actions.

The continuing hysteria over Covid is ridiculous when the OP’s DB is not CV, neither are his children.

It sounds like a pathetic excuse to avoid stepping up and helping the person who gave him life. It makes me want to weep.

Who said it was just down to the brother? There are two siblings, they should both do their bit.

What has your mum said on this? Has she asked your brother to help? Has she said she was ok?

Seconding everything here.

OP, the rationality and appropriateness of yours and your brother's reactions depend entirely on how well or unwell your mother is and how well she is likely to be able to cope on her own. Is she generally independent, capable and sensible? Was she happy to be alone - would she in fact prefer it? Would she have called the oncology team of her own accord? Is she well equipped to know if she's at risk - e.g. has a thermometer, o2 sat monitor, blood pressure monitor, etc etc?

It may be that your brother had every plan to be in touch regularly, drop groceries round, visit daily (with social distancing) and take your mother to hospital as needed. From his perspective you may have entirely unnecessarily martyred yourself, putting yourself at risk (which he is no doubt concerned about as well) whilst simultaneously dismissing his feelings and concerns for his family's wellbeing.

This is clearly an emotive topic for you, but based only on the commentary you have provided here I have to conclude that YABU - if only around making this about your brother. You clearly feel strongly that your mother should not be alone at all, and you have acted on that; he did not and for lack of more information I can only conclude that he was acting rationally from his perspective as well. Since you are now looking after your mother it is a moot point regardless; spinning it into a you vs him issue seems unlikely to benefit anyone involved!

This.

And a monumental coward with a guilty conscience, proven by the fact he’s not replying to his Dsis’ WhatsApps.

It certainly sounds like your dB could have done more.

It does depend on your dm though. If she's able to manage in the house on her own then I'd expect him to be doing daily calls to see if she needs anything, preferably dropping off a hot meal every day to ensure she's having something and to genuinely see how she is rather than believing she's fine.

I dont think he should put himself in harms way unless necessary. Would he have taken her to the hospital if you weren't there? That sounded necessary.

It's good you are able to be there, I think I'd have done the same 💐

It seems there are two camps on this thread: those who think we still need to take great care not to catch covid, and those who think it is no more than another cold.

Your brother is a dick and displaying irrational behaviour. The risks to him are far less than the risks to your mother. If he was that bothered there are plenty of mitigants he could have put in place to reduce the risk of him picking up Covid from your mum, but he chose the easy way out.

it may be that he is feeling all the pressure coping with your mum’s illness as you live so far away, and this is his immature way of showing it, rather than discussing the stress in a sensible manner.

OP has only come up because brother wouldn’t have covid in is house or she’d be happily 150 miles away leaving it all to him

guess this thread has touched a nerve due to living round the corner from parents and also having a sibling hundreds of miles away

and yes the one nearest does the absolute lion’s share with endless phone calls from miles away tell you what you should do using the excuse there miles away

the fact he’s ignoring her I’m guessing his pissed of with being made out to be the bad guy when golden child swans in from miles away and does something for once

Your brother is a selfish arse, I had a brother like this, cutting him out my life was the best thing I ever did!

What is the brother like generally? Is this a pattern of indifference or is he usually good with her?

Your Mother wanted to be alone on Christmas day and didn't want to leave her own home. Depending on his working hours and looking after his children, was he physically able to stay in her's as you have done? What did he do wrong? You were willing to stay

"I took her to a and e today on the advice of the oncology team to get her bloods drawn and a chest X-ray. She needed antibiotics. Had she been alone this would not have happened and her infection could have become more serious"

Is she now not capable of handling her medical needs? That needs a plan if not.

I think that some of your blame is out if fear of losing your Mum. I worked in end of life care and would see it in families, they'd focus on something that wouldn't make much of a difference.

I'm also perplexed by the responses on here. People talking about the clinically vulnerable people - surely that is the OP's mum as someone undergoing treatment for cancer, and therefore as she is sick the normal (caring, loving, compassionate) response seems to me as the OP has done, to care for her.

Ok when I had Covid I felt really unwell, really really shit for well over a week. But as an otherwise healthy 40 yr old I would have managed on my own fine and not required anyone else to look after me (albeit as it was my DH was here, we just figured he'd probably catch it too but as it happens he didn't, same when he had it months and months earlier I didn't catch it from him). However someone in the OP's mum's position I imagine could be much more unwell than me and benefit from someone caring for her and also keeping an eye to check she doesn't develop more serious complications. I would have done exactly the same as the OP.

I really hope your mum recovers soon from the Covid and all the best for her chemo treatment OP.

But if you thought your already unwell mother was in that position, would you honestly just leave her there with no one caring for her?

At the end of it, both of you made the decision and took action that was right for you both. Your brother didn’t want covid exposure and left food out- that’s a perfectly reasonable choice that many would make, myself included.
You decided your mother needed 24 hour care/ company, and you didn’t mind covid exposure, and that’s your choice- but you are no more corrrct than your brother

Are you the poster who had an issue with your brothers Christmas gift and wanted them to rectify it? Unrelated to this post I know, but I'm wondering if it's a reflection on the relationship you have with your brother?

I dont think either of you have done the wrong thing. You have both assessed the risk to yourselves, and done what you both think is necessary taking into account risk to family etc. I think distance is irrelevant.

Your brother sounds a lot like my sister.

If she can come up with an excuse to get out of taking any sort of care of my also widowed, elderly mum, she will jump at the chance.
She says "It's just my boundary not to do it."

I love her, but christ alive, she's a knob.

Is your brother usually a knob over mum-duties, or is this out of character?

Your sister says “It's just my boundary not to do it” in regards to looking after your mum? What a vile person.
No one would blame you for cutting her out of your life and your mum cutting her out of the will. Let her take comfort from her “boundaries.”

Weepachu
i don’t understand- the rest of mums net is full of telling people to decide their boundaries and stick to them. Is that wrong just because a sibling has different boundaries?
in the example in this thread, the OP decided her mother needed live in care but likely wanted her brother to do it, and is annoyed she is doing it herself. When no one asked her to, nor is it clear it was necessary at all.
Brother is reasonable to not want covid for his family for Christmas

Boundaries with in laws, friends and even siblings, fine. But if you’ve had a decent relationship with your mum, you’re evil if you just dump her when she gets sick. But that’s the English way, in my experience.

But maybe one sibling doesn’t have a decent relationship with the mum