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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Mum with cancer and covid -brother won’t step up

76 replies

Pinkysunset · 28/12/2022 21:38

I’m so confused as what to think. I’m so scared and upset now I don’t know if I’m being unreasonable or not anymore.

the Friday evening before Xmas my mum who is undergoing chemo tested positive for covid.

my brother (who lives 5 miles from her) was supposed to be hosting her for Christmas. He said this was now impossible as she should isolate. He took her round a Christmas dinner and left it on the door step.

i had been at hers the week before and tested negative before I visited. I tested negative after too. I’m still negative after being her since Boxing Day.

we both have partners and school aged children- but no one clinically vulnerable.

I live 150 miles away. I immediately offered to pick her up and bring her to ours so she could have Xmas with us ( even if it was just being Ill in bed at ours and maybe joining us for a slice of cake if she felt up to it at any point. She refused this outright. I offered to spend Xmas day with her. She refused this too and wanted to just stay at home in bed. I know she wouldn’t have been feeling festive- but thought she should have some one to care for her and look after her. I came down on Boxing Day eve to look after her and cheer her up am still here. She agreed to this.

I took her to a and e today on the advice of the oncology team to get her bloods drawn and a chest X-ray. She needed antibiotics. Had she been alone this would not have happened and her infection could have become more serious

i told brother what was going on. He hasn’t called or even read the update texts I sent on WhatsApp.

brother said she should completely isolate and no one should be near her. He did take the gift she’d brought his kids when he dropped off the Xmas dinner and allowed his kids to open it. He would not take the gifts I’d brought his kids and allow them to open them. They were the gifts he specified I should buy for them and I really wanted them to have them- as I was pleased and excited I thought I had brought exactly what they wanted. I don’t see how it was riskier for them to have them than mother’s gift.

am I over reacting to think he’s being a bit of a dick?

TLDR
yabu= of course widowed, chemo covid mother should be left entirely alone to isolate over Christmas. Don’t risk any other family becoming infected.

Yanbu = brother should risk infection to assist mother and is being weird over gifts.

OP posts:

SemperIdem · 28/12/2022 23:13

I potentially have a different take on this because I worked in a key worker field during the lockdowns, rather than wfh or furloughed, but I very much have the opinion that people who could do the latter are at this point, quite hysterical over covid.

There is absolutely no way I’d have left my mother alone, in the circs you have set out. Your brother is a twat.

BreadInCaptivity · 28/12/2022 23:13

Did you read it right? The mother is the one that is vulnerable and she already has covid. Healthy brother is refusing to see his mother and leaving her on her own for what could be her last Christmas just in case he catches something. Selfish arse.

This - in spades.

Honestly MN makes my head explode at times.

Who the hell leaves an elderly woman on chemo alone at any time - never mind Christmas.

People need to realise we need to start living with covid in this post vaccine era and not killing people through isolation.

Posters might want to look how well China's policy is going right now....

Myfinalthoughtsonthisissue · 28/12/2022 23:14

OP, you 100% did the right thing. My dad is CEV and when he got Covid, there is no way I was leaving him on his own. I moved in to look after him for a few days until he was better and yep naturally I caught it too. I knew I probably would but there's still no way I'd leave my vulnerable dad at home to fend for himself.

ScrollingLeaves · 28/12/2022 23:14

Dixiechickonhols · Today 23:03
I think it depends on your mum - is she scared and upset or was she quite happy at home alone.

If he gets Covid then there’s no one nearby to get things for your mum etc.

It is difficult to understand quite what you mean given that he is nearby without covid and not getting things anyway for his poor, ill with covid, and dying mother.

ScrollingLeaves · 28/12/2022 23:22

Thousands of people have been extremely ill recently with some sort of flu virus that is much worse than Covid now is. In fact it is still going on. It is being spread all over the place. There are threads about it right now.

hannsmum · 28/12/2022 23:26

I would go with you on this OP. I think your brother may have a point but I think he overdid it and used that as an excuse . He was being a dick

whitebreadjamsandwich · 28/12/2022 23:33

If your healthy brother has children, he's probably been exposed to covid a zillion times with all the germs children carry around. Even if he did get it, he could choose to carry on as normal if he felt ok, as could his family. If my mother had cancer, and the choice was risk potentially catching covid, or leaving her alone and poorly at Christmas, I'd risk the covid a million times over. He's a dick

Lapland123 · 28/12/2022 23:35

It’s a difficult one.
he could have checked in on her from a distance- phoned,left her groceries, speak through window etc to ensure she was okay under the circumstances

Id avoid anyone I could who has covid, I am healthy on paper but when I caught it I was very ill and off work for some months. I’m in my 40s.

Flossflower · 28/12/2022 23:41

I think your brother was being responsible. As a parent your priority should always be to your children. One of his kids could get it very badly. Even people who are fully vaccinated can have adverse reactions to covid.

Motheranddaughtertotwo · 28/12/2022 23:44

Your brother is a selfish dick, there always seems to be one sibling. When my parents had Covid and dad got admitted into hospital I moved in with mum for a few days while my sibling kept away “to protect her husband and child”. I also have a husband and two children but managed to look after mum and call an ambulance when she also needed to be admitted, she’d have died if she had been alone,
I'm glad your mum has you.

Dixiechickonhols · 28/12/2022 23:46

ScrollingLeaves · 28/12/2022 23:14

Dixiechickonhols · Today 23:03
I think it depends on your mum - is she scared and upset or was she quite happy at home alone.

If he gets Covid then there’s no one nearby to get things for your mum etc.

It is difficult to understand quite what you mean given that he is nearby without covid and not getting things anyway for his poor, ill with covid, and dying mother.

He took lunch over and the mum may have asked him to get shopping or milk if Op hadn’t gone.
I don’t think Op says she’s dying. My mil has chemotherapy for leukaemia but is living as well as possible with it for several years. I was envisioning that type of scenario not a lady at end of life stage.
It’s very much down to the mum. She was adamant she didn’t want to go to op’s so may have told brother the same?
At end of day they should do what the mum wants.

primeoflife · 28/12/2022 23:49

Ponderingwindow · 28/12/2022 22:26

You can’t be serious with this post.

your brother is being responsible.

People with your attitude to Covid are why CEV people are in danger just leaving their homes these days.

Ridiculous.

Children are in school with covid daily. Few are testing, the brother just needs to crack on and wear a mask. You're probably in contact with at least one case daily going about your business 🙄.

Dh currently has covid and it's a slight sniffle, same as loads I know including some very elderly people. It's getting ridiculous now.

Afterfire · 28/12/2022 23:57

Is there a backstory with your brother and his relationship with your Mum? Does he think she prefers you or something like that? On the face of it I think he’s being unreasonable- I am in the clinically vulnerable group too- but on the other hand I remember when my Mum was terminally ill people thought I was dreadful because I didn’t step up in the way they thought I should but my relationship with my Mum was really complex and no one really knew the half of it.

Hankunamatata · 29/12/2022 00:17

My dh would have moved in with his mum and I would have held fort down at home.

Lbnc2021 · 29/12/2022 00:28

My father died from covid in September 2021. He has been in hospital with it and they decided for some reason to send him home, by the next day he couldn’t breathe. My brother and I knew he was contagious, we went and stayed with him for 10 hours until an ambulance turned up. I could not have gave a shiny shite if I caught it or who was bothered, I was not leaving scared and alone for anyone.

In short, your brothers an arse.

Strawberrysundaeonamonday · 29/12/2022 01:05

If your brother lives so close to your mum and you live further away has he been doing the lions share of her care and taking her to chemo etc? Maybe it was the straw that broke the camels back. I say that because you said he left your presents which seemed a bit passive aggressive to me, like he was irritated with you. Does he feel you are doing enough?

The other thing is some people are highly cautious when it comes to covid still. Does your brother generally feel a bit anxious about covid no matter who has it?

Ponderingwindow · 29/12/2022 01:23

Was your brother going to isolate himself and his entire household after exposure?

Yes, there are people going about their lives with Covid, knowingly infecting other people. Yes there are people knowingly exposing others to the flu, norovirus, and any number of other serious illnesses. Just because it isn’t illegal to knowingly expose others to serious disease doesn’t mean it isn’t immoral.

tasamoon · 29/12/2022 01:37

I think we should all still be trying to stop the spread of covid as much as we can. I don't think your mum should be moved around unnecessarily or people exposed unnecessarily.

However, I think he should be checking in on her, providing essential care and transport to hospital etc whilst taking appropriate cautions (masks) etc.

ConsuelaHammock · 29/12/2022 01:37

Your brother is a dick !

BungleandGeorge · 29/12/2022 01:44

I don’t think your brother should be doing more just because he’s close by and you’re 150 miles away. Christmas Day sounds fine, he checked in her and provided food, she wanted to be in bed, having to go Visiting wouldn’t have made her feel any better. Boxing Day did he check on her? Or left it because you were arriving? How unwell was she? I think he probably could have provided care at a distance by video call/ taking her food and that would have been sufficient. Did you contact oncology or did your mum?

namechangenumber296 · 29/12/2022 01:57

It depends on how your mum has been reacting to the chemo. Some tolerate it better than others - if she was early into her treatment before it stopped because of her Covid infection, she could have potentially been coping quite well. If she was quite far into a course of chemo, she might have been completely wiped before factoring in Covid.

I'm of the opinion that one of you should have temporarily moved in with her if she was really that poorly (and sacrificed your Christmas with the rest of your family), but if she was doing OK, there was no need for anyone to expose themselves to the virus until it became apparent she needed more help. In which case, dropping off Christmas dinner at the doorstep whilst masked up and having regular video calls would have been the right decision. The point of the calls would have been to 1) keep her spirits up and 2) check she hadn't deteriorated to the point of needing assistance.

Your brother lives 5 miles away and had been planning to host your mum for Christmas - has he been helping out considerably more than you, I wonder?

Hospitals typically don't let you anywhere near them if you have Covid unless it's an emergency - another reason why it was a good idea for your brother to avoid catching Covid if possible. If exposed, he would have caught Covid after your mother, recovered after your mother, and there would have been a period of time where she was well enough to go back to hospital for chemo appointments and he would have been unable to drive her.

I suspect you're upset because you can't stand the idea of your mum being on her own, but if she felt generally ill (but well enough to not need someone with her 24/7), she probably just wanted to stay in bed and ignore Christmas. You did say you didn't think she would have been feeling very festive.

When a loved one has cancer, it's horrendous - I do know what you're going through - but it doesn't get any better when you try to blame your brother for not doing enough. It doesn't make your mum any less sick or make you feel any better. I suggest you try to rechannel those emotions into something a bit more supportive, and you build some bridges with your brother.

You and he need each other more than you perhaps realise. Don't try to compete with each other for best child and just be there for each other. It'll help you feel stronger when it comes to being there for your mum.

I hope your mum recovers from the Covid soon, and I wish her the best possible outcome from her ongoing cancer treatment. Cancer is a bastard, it really is. Sending you all much love.

rwalker · 29/12/2022 07:08

For the life of me I can’t see the problem your brother didn’t want to bring covid into his house
your more comfortable with covid and happy to see your mum

all well and good criticising your brother from 150 miles away

sounds like you wanted your brother to do what you have done to save you the trouble

think you expect your brother to do most of it because he’s 5 minutes away

your mum has 2 kids not 1 don’t dump it all on your brother because he’s local

Dogsgottabone · 29/12/2022 07:25

What is astounding is that he was happy for his children to open the presents your mum left on the doorstep, but not your presents from a cov- person!

He's an idiot. I also have a brother like that who barely wished my parents happy xmas. I sympathise OP and I hope your mum is OK.

londonrach · 29/12/2022 07:27

I can see both sides here. DH is healthy adult and vvvvvvvvv I'll with covid (should have been on oxygen) and had a few healthy friends also been very ill with covid whilst others no symptoms. Hope your mum feeling better from covid soon and the cancer treatment goes well.

Paq · 29/12/2022 07:32

I think you got his back up by saying he should have put himself and his family at risk of being infected with Covid. He made the right call there imo but the rest of the stuff is a bit childish.

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