So disappointed

[pollyglot]

My son, father of 5, is divorced. He doesn't have the kids very much. Ex is a nightmare. They live a long way from us. Getting Christmas/birthday gifts to them is incredibly difficult for various reasons, so I send him money via online banking for gifts and for celebratory food etc. The kids are old enough to enjoy having spending/saving money. However, this Christmas, despite my giving him a very generous sum for kids' spends and Christmas food, too, he didn't give it to them. Turns out, from DGD1 that he hasn't in the past, either. Child support is crippling, I know, and I've been so generous in the past to give them holidays, generous gifts, paid bills, send food parcels etc. but I feel so let down and betrayed. The kids don't know that Granny has been giving them money for spends or saving. They have never been encouraged to write thank-you notes by their parents. AIBU?

It’s entirely possible that both OPs DS and her ex Dil are fucking nightmares. They’re not mutually exclusive positions.

OP has not victim blamed, she’s stated both parents have stolen. Give her a break eh?

Oh wow. I'd be cutting the son off. What a piece of work.

How old are GC? Maybe set up a saving bonds account for them that you have access to only until they turn 18. That's the best way to ensure it doesn't happen again.

it sounds horrendous OP🙁
I am sorry, that's very hard to come to terms with when it comes to your son....very hard to accept that kind of behaviour😐
I suppose all you can do is try to keep in contact with the children even if only small talk, try & be a regular and positive thing in their lives etc?
Instead of money that never reaches them could you put it in a bank account with a view to giving it them when they are older & a bit independent from parents?

why would the grandchildren write thank you letters for gifts they've never received because their father stole?
I'd bet the only difficulty of getting gifts to them is you son, who for some mysterious reason would prefer them to 'have' cash - but of course, it's all the fault of the 'nightmare ex'.

I think when you are treated like that by a close family member it can be very shocking and hard to process, sometimes you cant & are in denial for ages.
Not defending this man, btw
when you've done your best with them and they treat you with contempt it can bring up such a range of feelings it's hard to know how to respond

My father used to behave like your son. I didn’t speak to him for years until he died. After his death even worse came out of the woodwork.
If you Plan on finding out more, I’d advise you to brace yourself, op.

I’m sorry you are going through this OP. You must be so ashamed of your ds. Where can you go from here?

Do you have contact with DGC? Can you let them know that you have, consistently, sent them money that they never received? And why?

From now on maybe you could open separate bank accounts for them and put birthday and Christmas money into their accounts to be used towards a big purchase later, like a car or mortgage deposit? Let them know you are doing it so they know you haven’t forgotten about them and they have something to look forward to when they are older.

Do you get to speak/see your DGC OP?

I thought premium bonds but the parent has control of them.

I think the best bet would be to open a savings account for each child and then give them the money when they turn 18.

I would definitely not be giving your son any more cash. Try and build a relationship with your DGC separately and save for them in a savings account.

I'm not sure what others have suggested as I haven't read the full thread BUT, how about setting up bank accounts (they'll be in your name but you can call the accounts by their names) put money in them for birthdays, Christmas, Easter Eggs etc. and then send a photo copy of the statements directly to them, saying they can have the money when they turn 18, 21 or whatever age you fancy.

Oh I've now read a bazillion people have already suggested it, lol. Never an original thought!

For those of you who believe that women can do no wrong, and that I'm "victim-blaming". I'm going to write this and then have the thread deleted.

I always felt so sorry for the ex-wife because she came from the most dysfunctional family I have ever known. A number of siblings from different fathers. Violence. Alcoholism. No boundaries. Sexual abuse. Low self-esteem. Foster care. No idea of the value of money. Sibling jailed for domestic violence. I tried my best to help and support them both.

I make no excuses for my son. They were temperamentally unsuited, both drank to excess, which brought out the worst in them. She had affairs, sent lewd texts to the men involved, taunted him with not being a big earner, spent excessively, had to have a new car and all the luxuries, was violent to him and the kids. She sneered at him for having a close and loving relationship with his whole extended family. He ultimately is a weak man and has a bad temper, exacerbated by alcohol, but swears that he never raised a hand to her, and certainly not to the children. She told me that he was “a pleaser”, which she evidently despised.The kids absolutely adore him and he fought for custody through the courts for years, but she coached them in what to say in their interviews, on pain of being permanently fostered.
She now has them 11 nights out of 14, and has no wish to change that, for fear of losing child support. Lives in the matrimonial home, claiming benefits, despite having a permanent partner. She drinks to extreme excess, according to the children, who are frightened when she passes out.
He DOES pay huge maintenance, which is taken from his salary at source. He has to rent a house big enough for them all as well. Rents are simply crazy in his area. He is a physical wreck from the stress, really high blood pressure (suffered a long term, life-threatening illness as a kid, which can kick back in if he’s not careful), works really long hours with lost of responsibility.

This of course, is no excuse for stealing the money. I’m absolutely furious and so disappointed. But please refrain from the binary assumption of “mother good/father bad.”

The thing is OP, and there will be others who can corroborate this, maintenance as set by the CMS is as a percentage of earnings so will be proportionate to his earnings.

If he is paying a huge amount that may be that he's allowed arrears to accrue. It's also unusual for the CMS to go straight to a deduction of earnings method of collection without him having been given repeated chances to pay voluntarily and having failed.

It's good that the children have you looking out for them.

Thanks, ohamireally. We're not in the UK, so the CMS does not set out contributions in this case.

The ex is a nightmare? According to who? Your son who you've just found out keeps the money that is meant to be for your grandchildren. I don't blame her if she is a "nightmare".

Also HOW can they send you thank you notes for something they've never received.

Aside from what your ds has done, why don't you set up an account for each gc and put birthday and Christmas money in that, they can have access to it when they are 18 or 21

Her grand daughter told her.

pompei8309 · Yesterday 21:01
If the kids are old enough why don’t you send it directly to them? why do you send it to your son . How did you find out they haven’t received it? why would they write thank you notes if they haven’t received anything? it’s all very confusing

• I won't send cash through the post
• I won't send anything to the mother's address, because I know for sure it will be intercepted
• Not a good idea to send anything valuable to son's address, because it's a rough area, and letter boxes are fair game
• I trusted him to do the decent thing
• I asked my DG1, with whom I communicate by text
• Before the divorce, I used to send gifts, or take them to the kids, (it's a 1200 miles round trip) and thank you notes just never happened. My health now precludes travel for the foreseeable.

Thank you, everyone, for your contributions. If I were to elaborate further about the background, you would have more understanding, but can't because it's too outing.
Have a wonderful New Year, everyone.

I assume your eldest granddaughter may have her own bank account. Don't send cash in the post. Send it direct. Remove the need to involve her errant parents.

That's so sad. Your poor grandchildren, possibly thinking that you didn't care. You're in email contact with one grandchild, use them to come up with a plan with you, to get them presents they'd like, Christmas food to collect etc. I know in the UK we can get supermarket purchases that can be collected - I do this for my GC at university, then when they're in their own flats have it delivered there. I also have department store gifts available for collection by them. They choose, I pay, they collect. Your GC will be able to come up with a way around your problem, then you are at least able to get some gifts etc to them.