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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

So disappointed

96 replies

pollyglot · 28/12/2022 20:55

My son, father of 5, is divorced. He doesn't have the kids very much. Ex is a nightmare. They live a long way from us. Getting Christmas/birthday gifts to them is incredibly difficult for various reasons, so I send him money via online banking for gifts and for celebratory food etc. The kids are old enough to enjoy having spending/saving money. However, this Christmas, despite my giving him a very generous sum for kids' spends and Christmas food, too, he didn't give it to them. Turns out, from DGD1 that he hasn't in the past, either. Child support is crippling, I know, and I've been so generous in the past to give them holidays, generous gifts, paid bills, send food parcels etc. but I feel so let down and betrayed. The kids don't know that Granny has been giving them money for spends or saving. They have never been encouraged to write thank-you notes by their parents. AIBU?

OP posts:

PegasusReturns · 28/12/2022 21:43

How old are the DGC? Can you send them money directly? Or directly to mum with a note specifying how to spend it?

EmilyGilmoresSass · 28/12/2022 21:44

I don't know much that could make the ex much worse than the da who steals money gifted for his children. That's unforgiveable. I'd rather chance my arm sending it to the mother or by gift voucher. I agree with others, she may have been painted unreasonable to you (no doubt by him) but I wouldn't blame her if this is an example of his behaviour.

grayhairdontcare · 28/12/2022 21:50

Your son, stole his children's Christmas money and you think their mother is the problem ?
Your son is a Grade A arsehole

limitededitionbarbie · 28/12/2022 21:51

I'd be ex a worse a nightmare than your son? Would she take the money and run like he has? She can't be worse than that surely?

ADifferentKindofChristmas · 28/12/2022 21:54

I'd be downright ashamed of him not just "disappointed" OP.

Aquamarine1029 · 28/12/2022 21:56

At this point, if you have any brains whatsoever, you'll create separate accounts for each of your grandchildren and then give them the money when they are adults and out from under your thief of a son.

Original poster

pollyglot · 28/12/2022 21:56

Oh believe me limited, she is utterly amoral. No moral compass at all. Has stolen from me many times, treats me with contempt, lies about me. Sold things I sent the kids on ebay. I know, they sound a right pair, don't they? But I brought my kids up to be scrupulously honest and moderate in all things. Looks like the lesson didn't stick.

OP posts:

Original poster

pollyglot · 28/12/2022 21:57

And yes, different, I am utterly ashamed. Devastated, actually.

OP posts:

edwinbear · 28/12/2022 22:01

Do the DC have their own bank accounts? Children can have basic current accounts with a debit card from 11. If they do, can you transfer money to their accounts directly? Then neither of their parents need to know.

limitededitionbarbie · 28/12/2022 22:02

Set up bank accounts for all of your gc. Add all money to that in future.

Your contributing to their future then.

poefaced · 28/12/2022 22:03

limitededitionbarbie · 28/12/2022 22:02

Set up bank accounts for all of your gc. Add all money to that in future.

Your contributing to their future then.

Would OP’s son or his ex be able to access the accounts?

DeFacto · 28/12/2022 22:03

Lol.

edwinbear · 28/12/2022 22:04

Or premium bonds. I’m pretty sure grandparents can buy premium bonds on behalf of their grandchildren. You can set them up so anything they win is reinvested and could be a lovely little nest egg for them when they turn 18.

limitededitionbarbie · 28/12/2022 22:07

I'm sorry also that you are going through this. It sounds absolutely shit and incredibly tough when you are just trying to do the right thing.

As I said before, I'd set up basic accounts for the gc. Add all money to that. You don't even have to give your dc and his ex the details. You can set them up so no one but them can access them until
They are 18.

I've done one for my Dd for all (if any) my Dd gets via csa from her dad. It's small amounts but it might change her life one day, ie for a car or a deposit or money towards those things. But most of all it shows you were invested in them.

I hope things improve for you all. X

Loachworks · 28/12/2022 22:08

Why would they write thank you notes?
How far away do they live? Do you never see your DGC? You either need to put it in their hands or save it yourself for them and hand it to them at 18. I'd cut my DS off if he stole from me and his DC.

Ramsbottom · 28/12/2022 22:09

I’m so sorry op, god this is awful,your own son steals from his own children and seldom sees them, what a low mark and loser.

I think you need ti accept he won’t be giving them the money and stop giving him it, or giving it for him. If you try ti get him to give it to his kids he will just rob it.

limitededitionbarbie · 28/12/2022 22:10

@poefaced not if she doesn't give them the details.

I placed one for my Dd in her name and specified I didn't want her to be able to touch it till she was 18. I can't even access it. Despite being the only one who adds to it. You can get a bank account that does this. My DD's is with Halifax.

whynotwhatknot · 28/12/2022 22:17

why is the ex worse because of access? you son stole from you and his kids

Aprilx · 28/12/2022 22:21

pollyglot · 28/12/2022 21:56

So you cannot trust either parent. I think all you can do, is open up savings accounts yourself and explain to them what you have done when they are older.

Erictheavocado · 28/12/2022 22:26

Not sure it is possible to set up accounts for grandchildren without the parents knowledge these days, although I know it used to be possible. When dgs was born DS and DIL needed to show dgs' birth certificate. Another family member wanted to set up an account for dgs but couldn't do it without the permission of the parents and the parents had to sign some sort of document. I believe these rules were brought in to try to prevent money laundering through children's accounts.

I don't know what the solution is for the op, as it seems clear that both her son and former Dil are not to be trusted with money or gifts for the GC.

Changingplace · 28/12/2022 22:43

Does it actually need to be in their name though? OP can set up a savings account, put money in and transfer it to them when they’re older, it doesn’t have to be any more complicated than that.

Aquamarine1029 · 28/12/2022 22:43

Not sure it is possible to set up accounts for grandchildren without the parents knowledge these days

She doesn't have to open accounts in their name, she can just set up some savings accounts in her name and then give the money to the grandchildren when she chooses to.

Original poster

pollyglot · 28/12/2022 22:48

Some very good suggestions, thank you so much.
Regrettably my ex, his father, used to steal from me, because he couldn't be bothered to work. Had no compunction about benefit theft too. And shoplifting.
Sadly, apples and trees spring to mind.

OP posts:

clairelouwho · 28/12/2022 22:53

I'm sorry you're going through this.

I second the suggestion about opening up a savings account for them and depositing the money in there. It doesn't have to be under their names, just somewhere you can keep the money safe for them for when you can safely give it to them without either parent intercepting it.

What has your son said about this? Has he given an explanation as to why he's done it?

MuggleMe · 28/12/2022 22:56

I'd definitely be putting savings by rather than letting their parents steal it.

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