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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

So disappointed

96 replies

pollyglot · 28/12/2022 20:55

My son, father of 5, is divorced. He doesn't have the kids very much. Ex is a nightmare. They live a long way from us. Getting Christmas/birthday gifts to them is incredibly difficult for various reasons, so I send him money via online banking for gifts and for celebratory food etc. The kids are old enough to enjoy having spending/saving money. However, this Christmas, despite my giving him a very generous sum for kids' spends and Christmas food, too, he didn't give it to them. Turns out, from DGD1 that he hasn't in the past, either. Child support is crippling, I know, and I've been so generous in the past to give them holidays, generous gifts, paid bills, send food parcels etc. but I feel so let down and betrayed. The kids don't know that Granny has been giving them money for spends or saving. They have never been encouraged to write thank-you notes by their parents. AIBU?

OP posts:
Rogue1001MNer · 28/12/2022 23:01

Congratulations on raising such a charmer.

Jesus, I hope this isn't real

toocold54 · 28/12/2022 23:05

Your son is stealing money from you ? Jesus.

No he’s stealing from his kids which is even worse!

OP I would not give them money anymore.
Instead I would speak to the children and ask them what they want, the order it and have it delivered to their address.
Then I’d ring them and ask if they enjoyed their presents.

If you send money they will never see it, even if they have their own bank accounts.

Mamai90 · 28/12/2022 23:11

DampSquids · 28/12/2022 21:12

So he’s a thief and it’s the ex who is a “nightmare”?

You raised a wrong ‘un.

That's really fucking harsh and there's no need for it. You're implying that it's the OPs fault that her son is the way he is. Some people, yes, are a product of their upbringing but some people are just twats no matter how they were raised.

And being a twat to people online doesn't paint you in the best light yourself. The OP is already devastated, there's really no need for that and I'm really sick of people like you on here that just get a kick out of making other people feel like shit.

limitededitionbarbie · 28/12/2022 23:12

Rogue1001MNer · 28/12/2022 23:01

Congratulations on raising such a charmer.

Jesus, I hope this isn't real

Bit harsh.

Stomacharmeleon · 28/12/2022 23:13

Please don't give him anymore money.
You are reminding me of my lovely Nan. My dad was a bastard to her. Her only child.
Find a way to build a relationship with your grandchildren separate from their parents. If your granddaughter has told you things you could send her bits.
And am sending you a hug xx

milkymeg · 28/12/2022 23:13

Child support is not crippling! You can guarantee the mum is spending more of her income on the kids than him

DampSquids · 28/12/2022 23:15

Mamai90 · 28/12/2022 23:11

That's really fucking harsh and there's no need for it. You're implying that it's the OPs fault that her son is the way he is. Some people, yes, are a product of their upbringing but some people are just twats no matter how they were raised.

And being a twat to people online doesn't paint you in the best light yourself. The OP is already devastated, there's really no need for that and I'm really sick of people like you on here that just get a kick out of making other people feel like shit.

Show quote history

Hold on to your knickers.

What I posted is factual. This man is a thief, and the OP raised him. With the input of the thief she chose to father him, as you’ll see from her subsequent posts.

Adelais · 28/12/2022 23:16

How old are the kids? Are you able to contact them directly? If not and they are still quite young maybe you could save some money for them and then give it to them directly when they’re older.

limitededitionbarbie · 28/12/2022 23:16

milkymeg · 28/12/2022 23:13

Child support is not crippling! You can guarantee the mum is spending more of her income on the kids than him

No it isn't. Even if it's not paid nothing is ever done about it which is my own personal experience. I would not entirely believe this but it seems every case is unique.

cravingmilkshake · 28/12/2022 23:17

@DampSquids "hold onto your knickers" 😂😂😂

Mamai90 · 28/12/2022 23:19

DampSquids · 28/12/2022 23:15

Hold on to your knickers.

What I posted is factual. This man is a thief, and the OP raised him. With the input of the thief she chose to father him, as you’ll see from her subsequent posts.

Show quote history

It was the implication of it being her fault 'You raised a wrong 'un'.

She is clearly very upset and needs a bit of compassion.

whynotwhatknot · 28/12/2022 23:21

so theyre both theives op-just set up an account for the kids

DampSquids · 28/12/2022 23:21

Mamai90 · 28/12/2022 23:19

It was the implication of it being her fault 'You raised a wrong 'un'.

She is clearly very upset and needs a bit of compassion.

Show quote history

I have no compassion for someone who posts about their errant son but starts off blaming his ex.

And piss off calling me a twat.

limitededitionbarbie · 28/12/2022 23:28

Well. That escalated quickly.

Beautiful3 · 28/12/2022 23:29

From now on I'd send cheques in the name of the children only.

Stopthebusplease · 28/12/2022 23:36

OP I am so sorry that your son has let you down in this way, you must be devastated after having been so generous. You mention that DGD1 made you aware that he's never passed the money on, can I ask how she informed you of this, ie, did you see her, speak to her on the phone, did she text you????? If you can have contact with her again, by whatever means, I would be tempted to tell her, that in future, rather than risking sending money to her parents, you will instead save some for each of your grandchildren, and when they are able to come and see you in person, you will give it to them. You don't say how old she is, so she may not be old enough to fully understand this, so as an alternative, if she can tell you what she and the others would like as gifts, you can then buy them and send them on, although I do think from what you've said about both parents, that it might be better to just put the money you would have given them, into a long term savings account, and give it to them when they reach 18 / go to uni / need their first car, or whatever, as obviously they are getting by without your input for now, and may really be glad of the money when they are old enough to appreciate it. Just my input for what it's worth.

Summerhouse2013 · 28/12/2022 23:38

Stomacharmeleon · 28/12/2022 23:13

Please don't give him anymore money.
You are reminding me of my lovely Nan. My dad was a bastard to her. Her only child.
Find a way to build a relationship with your grandchildren separate from their parents. If your granddaughter has told you things you could send her bits.
And am sending you a hug xx

Love this, what a kind & compassionate post....just do your best to your little ones around you x

Original poster
pollyglot · 28/12/2022 23:50

I am so grateful for the kindly comments-thank you. It's a bit mean to be so nasty about a situation over which I have no control, and about which I cannot be more detailed. I raised, as a virtually single mother, kids who are utterly honest, kind, hardworking and loving. Have none of you ever had a child who has disappointed you?

OP posts:
Rogue1001MNer · 28/12/2022 23:53

limitededitionbarbie · 28/12/2022 23:12

Bit harsh.

Show quote history

OP is victim blaming.

No apology for calling her out on that

PopUpMoon · 28/12/2022 23:55

Your son is the fucking problem here.

Barely sees them.

Probably doesn’t pay the “crippling” child support.

Steals money that YOU give him for THEM.

He is a piece of shit. I bet his ex is at her wits end with him. I’d be a “nightmare” to if he was my ex.

jays · 29/12/2022 00:04

Must you be such a horror, talk about taking delight in someone else’s pain. Not coming across too well yourself here before you start talking about anyone else being a ‘wrong ‘un’🙄

Mamai90 · 29/12/2022 00:05

DampSquids · 28/12/2022 23:21

I have no compassion for someone who posts about their errant son but starts off blaming his ex.

And piss off calling me a twat.

Show quote history

Oh give over 🙄. You've had a tiny snippet of information. You're just delighting in someone else's misery and couldn't help stick the boot in.

My opinion is that you're a twat so I call it as I see it.

Notimeforaname · 29/12/2022 00:05

kids who are utterly honest, kind, hardworking and loving

But he's not. He may be hardworking but he's neither honest nor kind.

I hope you get your money back op. Sorry he has done this to you.

Hankunamatata · 29/12/2022 00:07

If your in touch with dgd1 then if she is old enough to have own bank account or PayPal to send it to her directly.

Wayk · 29/12/2022 00:09

It is not your fault do please do not feel guilty. Your heart was In the right place. Going forward I would suggest sending the kids a cheque or buying prize bonds.