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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

My Mum is dying. AIBU and selfish? How would you handle this?

70 replies

TattySofa · 28/12/2022 14:54

I didn't live with my mum as she was a student when she had me, I lived with my grandparents. I saw my mum at weekends and holidays, she moved away when I was very young, she married a nice guy and went on to have my sister.

My mum loves me and I love her so much, but the relationship has been complex and painful over the years.

She is now dying in a hospice. Her husband goes in the mornings until 4pm, then I visit from about 4pm til 9pm or so. Other family come in as and when. It's mostly just sitting with her now, she sleeps a lot, I sleep too and then she wakes up for brief periods, exchange a few words and get her something she needs like lip balm or a drink or get the nurse to help with making her comfortable etc.

All throughout her illness, and especially now this last part where she is very sick and dying, I have asked her openly what she wants from me in terms of how much I am present. From what she has said, I believed it is a comfort for her for me to be there with her. She can be quite frank so inclined to think if she didn't want me there she would say so.

I'm not there constantly, I wander off if other visitors are there to give them space and obviously leave when the healthcare professionals are doing stuff with her various equipment etc.

Her sister has now told me not to come until 6pm because my mum needs time to herself every day to meditate. I asked if my mum had said this, she said no. My mum has had a daily meditation practise for years, we had chatted about this over the last couple of weeks.

I am so ashamed and embarrassed and in pain because yet again, I have caused a problem by encroaching on the space of people who don't want me there. Almost like the 'real' family who should be with her the most are her husband and my sibling.

But, it just doesn't feel quite right, as my mum never expressed anything of this to me herself? And genuinely seemed to like me being there? And I have been regularly checking in about her wants regarding my company?

But I would say that wouldn't I - because all I've wanted my whole life is for my mum to want me close to her. It's pathetic and selfish. And this isn't about me, she comes first and I want to do the right thing.

How do I know what that is? I just want to be with my mum but it isn't about me and my stupid wants.

OP posts:

LadyGardenersQuestionTime · 28/12/2022 14:58

Could you just ask her?

"Mum, I know your meditation is important to you. Would you like me to come at 6 instead of 4, so you can have some time to yourself?".

KarmaStar · 28/12/2022 15:02

Go with your instincts.
To be honest your mum probably needs lots of sleep so perhaps everyone should cut back slightly to give her some time.It's very difficult trying to make a life time of hurt right in a person's final few weeks and ,sadly,I doubt you will get the complete healing in your heart that you seek.
Remember that you love each other and nothing can take that away.
Don't let anyone else decide for you what you should do,it's between you and your mum.
As she gets near the very end,she may not converse but she will hear your voice.🌈

Keyansier · 28/12/2022 15:06

Your emotions are heightened at the moment. You have absolutely no reason to feel embarrassed or ashamed. It's a simple question (albeit in difficult circumstances). She might need time to meditate, so you push back your visiting time a few hours. She might not, so you continue the same. It's really, really, not a big deal at all.

Original poster

TattySofa · 28/12/2022 15:08

Thank you for your replies.

Yes, I've asked her again and when she's sleeping she said she doesn't mind me being here. A few days ago she clearly asked me to sleep in her room at the hospice as it gets near the end. She repeated this a few times.

Sometimes she kind of slips down the bed a bit which hurts her back, or various tubes slip and are uncomfortable but she doesn't want to trouble the nurses so I just go and get them and they can get her comfortable again, and she is able to sleep again.

I'm worried about her there alone and not ringing her bell and being uncomfortable or in pain because she doesn't want to be demanding.

OP posts:

StateOfTheUterus · 28/12/2022 15:10

you could always ask the Hospice ward team to check in with your mum about what’s most important to her now and take their advice? there may also be a chaplain to talk with. I used to work in a hospice and complex family dynamics were just as much part of care as medication. Best wishes OP this sounds so tough

NoSquirrels · 28/12/2022 15:11

If you mum hasn’t said anything, and you’ve been checking in with her, she’s been happy to have you there. Your sister is emotional and wanting the best for her mum too, just like you are, and is maybe making an assumption. It’s hard to feel out of control of the process of dying, and you sometimes make the wrong call.

I’d go with your sister’s suggestion of arriving a little later, 5.30-6pm. You’ll still be there every evening for a good amount of time. You’re not being pushed away, don’t see it like that.

It’s so hard, I’m so sorry. Hospices are wonderful places filled with wonderful people but a loved one dying makes us all irrational and emotional and it’s hard to keep perspective. Love to you

Mostmarriedcouple · 28/12/2022 15:12

Sounds like you are doing the right things. Also, it’s not pathetic or selfish for wanting your mum to want you close. From what you’ve written you sound like the opposite of a selfish person. You sound extremely considerate & thoughtful and a lovely daughter. Don’t be hard on yourself ❤️

UnpackThisMess · 28/12/2022 15:14

Ignore your aunt. Tell her why and that she's your mum and you'll do as you please.

Keyansier · 28/12/2022 15:14

Mostmarriedcouple · 28/12/2022 15:12

Yes, that's what I was going to say in my post too. If you were selfish OP, you'd be bulldozing your way through and wouldn't even be questioning other people's wants and needs, never mind worrying about them. You are the total opposite of selfish.

cafenoirbiscuit · 28/12/2022 15:14

She’s your mum and you won’t have her for much longer. These are precious hours you have with her, and you won’t get them again. I’d ask her again if she wants you to delay your visits, making it clear you won’t be offended if she wants you to visit later. I’m feeling a bit cross with your aunt - I lost my mum this year and I’d have given very short shrift to anyone who tried to stop me visiting. Be kind to yourself. You’ve as much right to be there as anyone.

5128gap · 28/12/2022 15:14

Bless you OP. If your mum is on palliative meds and nearing the end of her life it's likely that time passing will have very little meaning for her. Her world will be reduced to a succession of sensations of gentleness and kindness with some awareness of who is with her, but not for how long. So 4pm or 6pm wouldn't impact her I'm sure.
I understand your need to be close, but other issues aside, your visiting schedule sounds exhausting. Maybe it might be best for you to go a little later anyway as you may have a long road ahead and should pace yourself.

KatMcBundleFace · 28/12/2022 15:15

Oh hugs op, lots of good advice here, but I'd like to say her sister sounds inappropriate.
Your mum is so lucky to have you.

Notjusta · 28/12/2022 15:15

OP you sound lovely and very self aware. I'm so sorry you are going through this, it sounds very tough. You don't sound selfish to me at all.

I agree with the PP who said about asking the hospice staff to speak to her. Or could you speak to her husband if you have a good relationship with him?

Was it your mum's sister or your sister who said this to you? Is your sister visiting with you as well?

NoSquirrels · 28/12/2022 15:17

Oh I’m so sorry, I misread - it’s her sister (your aunt) not your sister.

You haven’t intruded, you are not unwanted.

This is just an (overstepping) suggestion from your aunt. You don’t need to listen to it if you are clear you know what your mum wants.

Ludo19 · 28/12/2022 15:19

I don't think you're selfish to be wanted OP. I'm sure these are feelings resurfacing from your childhood - maybe you felt unwanted/pushed out growing up?

You sound lovely but please be kind to yourself, its not selfish to do that either. Take care xx

YoBeaches · 28/12/2022 15:19

Your aunt is out of order. Be clear with her that you will be present as much as is needed and as per your mums wishes.

Don't let other people get in the way of your relationship now. This is the end, she wants you there.

Sport you are going through this.

Ponoka7 · 28/12/2022 15:20

If it hasn't come from your Mum then you ignore it. Is your Aunt in denial that this is the end? Your Mum mightn't be capable of meditating, being alone with her thoughts might be the last thing she wants. There will be thoughts if guilt and time missed with you, so please don't leave her on someone else's say so, you'd be letting her down. The only person who matters is your Mum. For most people their children trump everyone else, including siblings.

lifeofasd · 28/12/2022 15:20

I work in a hospice. Please know you love for your mother is shining through your posts and I'm certain your mum feels this too. Ignore every other family member and recognise your importance to your mum wether she raised you or not, she birthed you and you are forever her daughter in her eyes. If your mum is still able to converse, say to her "mum, I am happy to be here with you as long as you want me here and I'll be happy to leave you to rest or meditate or have one on one time with other family members as that's very important too. I will follow your lead and I will feel happier knowing that I'm following what you want, so please let me know will I stay at your side and do you want certain set time of the day to rest?

Hopeyoursproutsarealreadyon · 28/12/2022 15:22

Imo your aunt is trying to call dibs on being closer to your dm...
As you were op. It does seem to be your dm's wishes that she has you there. Ignore her dsis.

Thedogscollar · 28/12/2022 15:25

Hi@TattySofa
Your post is the total opposite of selfish. I'd say you are selfless always accommodating and thinking of others.
You only get one Mum this is a time you should be with her as much as can be accommodated by her and other visitors.
To be honest the need for meditation told to you by your Aunt seems odd, especially when you asked if she specifically requested that and you were told she hadn't.
Go with your Mum's wishes. You need to be with her when she passes nobody at all has the right to tell you that you haven't. You love each other and she will want you there to sit and just hold her hand she will love that connection and you will remember it forever.
You come across as such a lovely person caring and thoughtful please give yourself some of that care and thought. X

StateOfTheUterus · 28/12/2022 15:25

Everything lifeofasd said. Talk to the Hospice staff, they will be able to help you now, and after she dies. So sorry this is happening, OP.

saveforthat · 28/12/2022 15:27

This is probably the most unselfish post I have ever read on MN. Your wants are not stupid. Other pp have given good advice. I just wanted to send you some love and support. Please look after yourself.

adriftabroad · 28/12/2022 15:30

I have personal experience of my very abusive STBXH telling a good friend of mine NOT to visit me in hospital (I had no other visitors as abroad, including him, DD was too young to go in the ICU) She asked me point blank and I told her I did want her to visit and she came every day.

Without her, it would have been desperate.

You do not mess with words when extremely ill, believe your mother and believe in yourself x

TattiePants · 28/12/2022 15:36

I’m so sorry for what you are going through. As it hasn’t come directly from your mum I’d continue with routine you have. If you are in any doubt, ask the hospice staff to have a word with her.

Tandoorimixedgrill · 28/12/2022 15:38

You sound like a very kind and thoughtful daughter. You may never get the affirmation that you do clearly seek in this situation but take comfort that you are doing the right thing.

Having been through similar (with a similar relationship with my mum), please take some time and therapy if you can once you are through what is bound to be a very difficult few weeks and months.

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