My Mum is dying. AIBU and selfish? How would you handle this?

[TattySofa]

I didn't live with my mum as she was a student when she had me, I lived with my grandparents. I saw my mum at weekends and holidays, she moved away when I was very young, she married a nice guy and went on to have my sister.

My mum loves me and I love her so much, but the relationship has been complex and painful over the years.

She is now dying in a hospice. Her husband goes in the mornings until 4pm, then I visit from about 4pm til 9pm or so. Other family come in as and when. It's mostly just sitting with her now, she sleeps a lot, I sleep too and then she wakes up for brief periods, exchange a few words and get her something she needs like lip balm or a drink or get the nurse to help with making her comfortable etc.

All throughout her illness, and especially now this last part where she is very sick and dying, I have asked her openly what she wants from me in terms of how much I am present. From what she has said, I believed it is a comfort for her for me to be there with her. She can be quite frank so inclined to think if she didn't want me there she would say so.

I'm not there constantly, I wander off if other visitors are there to give them space and obviously leave when the healthcare professionals are doing stuff with her various equipment etc.

Her sister has now told me not to come until 6pm because my mum needs time to herself every day to meditate. I asked if my mum had said this, she said no. My mum has had a daily meditation practise for years, we had chatted about this over the last couple of weeks.

I am so ashamed and embarrassed and in pain because yet again, I have caused a problem by encroaching on the space of people who don't want me there. Almost like the 'real' family who should be with her the most are her husband and my sibling.

But, it just doesn't feel quite right, as my mum never expressed anything of this to me herself? And genuinely seemed to like me being there? And I have been regularly checking in about her wants regarding my company?

But I would say that wouldn't I - because all I've wanted my whole life is for my mum to want me close to her. It's pathetic and selfish. And this isn't about me, she comes first and I want to do the right thing.

How do I know what that is? I just want to be with my mum but it isn't about me and my stupid wants.

you could always ask the Hospice ward team to check in with your mum about what’s most important to her now and take their advice? there may also be a chaplain to talk with.

Great advice @StateOfTheUterus - the hospice will be well used to tricky family dynamics.

Is your sister visiting with you as well?

Sorry, for clarity, my sister has additional needs and cannot live independently, so is visiting with her husband for shorter periods that she can manage without becoming very overwhelmed. But yes she is visiting regularly as much as she can.

My mum asked me to help find her supported accommodation when her husband dies.

I do get on very well with her husband, not a deep connection, but chatting about books, or like mates down the pub sort of way. I think times like highlight all kinds of relationship dynamics, and I'm finding it a bit sad that we aren't a comfort to each other at a time like this - I've known him my whole life, but he has never loved me when I was a kid for example (but always liked me) which is completely ok. But at the minute without a bond of our own, at a really stressful time, it's almost like we are strangers.

He is obviously devastated at the moment.

my sister is visiting with my mum's husband, her dad, I mean

‘A few days ago she clearly asked me to sleep in her room at the hospice as it gets near the end. She repeated this a few times.’

This is what your mother wants, she loves you & feels the love you have for her, she wants you close to her & has made sure that you know this.

Do not allow other people to tell you what is right between you & your mother at this time, they may mean well but this is not their call.

Bluntly, your darling mother has moved beyond her daily meditation routine & now asks for what she really wants for herself. Perhaps some people have not yet acknowledged that she is coming to the end of her life.

Ask the hospice team for their guidance & support in keeping you close to your mother - as is her wish - & allowing both you & your mother to rest.

You are a very kind & understanding person.

in your position I would ask the hospice to help do that your Mum's wishes are followed, ask her to tell them what she wants & about you sleeping there when she's weaker, or your Aunt might tell them she wouldn't have wanted that.

Also someone official needs to know what (if any) provision has been made (financially) for your sisters care & that she wants you to help sort your sister out when her Dad dies.

I'm very sorry things haven't always been easy for you & your Mum. You need to take this time with her to tell her anything you need to & to ask everything you can & want to. Daft things even like what you wore home from the hospital or whatever.

IF you are proud of her continuing to study once she'd had you, have you ever told her?

there are so many things I wish I'd asked my Dad before he died that I didn't and now there's no one who would know..

take care of yourself!!💐

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Your mum has chosen you to be with her at the end. Ignore your aunt. So sorry you are going to lose her soon xx

It sounds as though your mother is getting a good deal of comfort from your presence.
I would not take notice of what other family members say. Your mum would tell you if she wanted time alone and I don't think that's what she needs any more.
In their last days and hours, most people need company.
Treasure your time together. It will be a comfort to you after she has gone. Be glad of little things you can do for her.
My mum was in a similar position earlier this year, except that time was limited to 60 minutes a day due to covid. They were very precious minutes and the memories of things I was able to do for her have come back to me hundreds of times in the last few months.
Be kind to yourself and don't hold back anything good that you might otherwise regret not saying.

Thank you for all your messages, just reading back through them now properly.

So, I spoke to my mum again, and asked her thoughts on my being there. She said she would like an hour between visits, but could I maybe be nearby in the family room having a cup of tea or whatnot. All completely ok with me of course. It's my job to do as well as I can for her at this time.

Slightly worried I asked her too much about this though, and maybe she thinks it's too much for me to be there. I don't want her thinking that I don't want to be there, and am looking for excuses to leave her.

I just wanted to acknowledge the awful pain you have felt your whole life due to the circumstances you were born/ grew up. I wish you every happiness in the future.

This is your last chance to spend time with your mum do what you feel is right for you. You won’t get another chance ever. I know how it feels to watch your mum die and not be able to do anything about it. It’s awful and every last moment is precious I often think about my mums last days and grateful I got to spend time with her.

Firstly, I just want to say that you sound like an incredibly considerate and self-aware daughter. You honestly haven't done anything wrong here at all. I work in a Hospice, and I would urge you to lean on the nurses for some guidance as to how to navigate this final stage of your mum's life. If I have read the situation correctly, your mum is likely to be on some palliative medication (perhaps via a syringe driver), and therefore may be unable to make decisions regarding her families' visiting schedule. She may also be unaware of 'time'. Please, please ask the Hospice staff - they will be well used to working with some fairly complex family dynamics, and they will help you create the space that you need to spend this final time with your mum.

I'm sorry for my lack of paragraphs, MN seems to be going crazy if I try to add a break!

There is no aunt, OP has a sister.

I just wanted to say I think you’re amazing. I’m glad you spoke to your mum. I would follow her lead and that of the hospice staff. They will be able to help you loads, both now and after the time comes. You should be so proud of how you are handling everything, please ignore your aunties (or anyone else’s suggestions), your mum saying she’d like you in the coffee room shows she still wants you close by. I hope this part goes as well as it can for you.

She has told you what she wants and it sounds like possibly she told your sister first and hence your sisters suggestion. Your mum wants to see you, she just needs breaks, we all need some time to ourselves.

You are coming across as a most selfless, thoughtful and loving person, I expect your mother knows how lucky she is to have you.

You're as selfless and loving as is possible to be. You're not being unreasonable in any way, shape or form.

Your mother clearly wants you to be there, whether with her or in the family room. The main thing is that she loves you and she want you with her, so be with her as much as you want, as much as you can, as much as you're able. You won't get the chance again.

My sister and I alternated staying with our mother in her final weeks and she wasn't alone for a minute. When I realised the end was very near, I called her (it was about 5 am), she arrived a little later, and mum died peacefully with me holding her left hand while my sister held her right hand just before 7 am. Our stepfather thought we shouldn't stay overnight as she was barely aware of her surroundings but she did have occasional lucid periods, and I'm so glad that we ignored the idiot and provided mum with the comfort and peace she needed. On her final night, she wanted to listen to a recording of Little Unicorn 3 playing Für Elise on piano on loop; it was her favourite piece being played by a grandchild she loved and gave her enormous comfort.

It's the little things like that which make all the difference for someone in their final days and hours, and only someone as close as you will ever know how to give them that comfort.

Not only are you being amazingly supportive to your dear mum, but you also being incredibly supportive to her husband and your sister too. He must be very grateful that you are able to visit for such long periods, you are very selfless.

Perhaps your mum’s sister ‘thinks’ she should have an hours break but she is just a peripheral person and her view is not important here. How can she know what is best for your mum at this time ? You and her husband know how to fulfil her needs best at this point - have faith in yourself.

Caring for a dying person in their final days is unbelievably intense. I did the same for my mum two years ago and it was very hard. It did however, bring me comfort after she had gone to know that the end of her life was peaceful, comfortable and dignified.

Lots of love for the days to come xx

I just wanted to echo what the other posters have said OP. You sound so selfless, thoughtful and caring.
It's not your Aunts place to interfere and make you feel the way she did, your mum needs you close and she's expressed that to you. She is lucky to have such a loving daughter.

So sorry for what you're going through 💐

Ops mums sister is the aunt in question asking op to give her mum an hour to meditate

Im sorry for the situation you are in now and for how your early years have been. You seem an incredibly lovely person, far more forgiving than most people I imagine. I think now is not the time for second guessing, just ask your mum while she can still express her wishes. It does sound, from your last post, that she feels she needs some breathing space between visitors so I would go and have a cup of tea of whatever and give her that hour.

I've been in your shoes. I'm so sorry you're going through this.

She clearly wants you there and the person in the hospice bed gets whatever they want. End of story.

Her sister might be well intentioned but ignore her.

It's my job to do as well as I can for her at this time.

You sound absolutely amazing OP and you're clearly doing an incredible job of being there for your mum.

Do look after yourself too though.

It's her last days, be there as much as you can imo.

There are so many conversations I wish I would've been able to have with my deceased parent. Talk while you still can.

Oh dear.

What a kind and moving post, and excellent advice.
I am so sorry OP. I know when my Mum was dying she liked me to be just there, even though she was often asleep. I sat quietly and read, did things for her if they were needed.
You are so obviously a caring and sensitive person, I am am sure whatever you feel like doing will be the right thing.

You are absolutely right to be there nearby even if you aren't immediately at her bedside for an hour between visits. It will be a huge comfort to her that you're there.