My Mum is dying. AIBU and selfish? How would you handle this?

[TattySofa]

I didn't live with my mum as she was a student when she had me, I lived with my grandparents. I saw my mum at weekends and holidays, she moved away when I was very young, she married a nice guy and went on to have my sister.

My mum loves me and I love her so much, but the relationship has been complex and painful over the years.

She is now dying in a hospice. Her husband goes in the mornings until 4pm, then I visit from about 4pm til 9pm or so. Other family come in as and when. It's mostly just sitting with her now, she sleeps a lot, I sleep too and then she wakes up for brief periods, exchange a few words and get her something she needs like lip balm or a drink or get the nurse to help with making her comfortable etc.

All throughout her illness, and especially now this last part where she is very sick and dying, I have asked her openly what she wants from me in terms of how much I am present. From what she has said, I believed it is a comfort for her for me to be there with her. She can be quite frank so inclined to think if she didn't want me there she would say so.

I'm not there constantly, I wander off if other visitors are there to give them space and obviously leave when the healthcare professionals are doing stuff with her various equipment etc.

Her sister has now told me not to come until 6pm because my mum needs time to herself every day to meditate. I asked if my mum had said this, she said no. My mum has had a daily meditation practise for years, we had chatted about this over the last couple of weeks.

I am so ashamed and embarrassed and in pain because yet again, I have caused a problem by encroaching on the space of people who don't want me there. Almost like the 'real' family who should be with her the most are her husband and my sibling.

But, it just doesn't feel quite right, as my mum never expressed anything of this to me herself? And genuinely seemed to like me being there? And I have been regularly checking in about her wants regarding my company?

But I would say that wouldn't I - because all I've wanted my whole life is for my mum to want me close to her. It's pathetic and selfish. And this isn't about me, she comes first and I want to do the right thing.

How do I know what that is? I just want to be with my mum but it isn't about me and my stupid wants.

This is so difficult, your Mum has told you her wishes, she wants you there with her. It must bring a huge amount of comfort to her you are such a close and special daughter. Ignore your aunt and request hospice staff check that others are not placing demands on your Mums time, she has been clear to you. What a lovely bond you have, it's irreplaceable and perhaps others are envious. You don't need to feel embarrassed, you're your Mums one and only first born. 💐

Arrive when her husband leaves and tell her you're going to go sit in the family room for an hour to give her some quiet time to herself, unless she would prefer for you to stay in the room with her.

She may feel different on different days. Some days she might want the break, some days she might want someone to be there. Be led by your mum.

I'm so sorry for what you're going through. I hope your mum is as comfortable as can be.

Op, just want to say that you sound lovely.

Just wanted to say OP that the love and compassion for your mum spills out from your posts. I would be so proud to have such an amazing daughter and I'm sure she is too

Same. You are not an intrusion, listen to what your mum asks for.

If I was receiving care in a hospice I know I would feel so rich to have such a loving and caring daughter particularly in my final days/ weeks on this earth.

This special time is not actually only for your dear Mum, it's for you. The time you spend with her now will impact on your grief in the years ahead. Your dear Mum will be at peace and you will be able to recall her with no regrets

My mother was in and out of the hospice at the end, but she wanted to die at home and not to be alone (understandably she was frightened)

Towards the end, someone was always with her, be it sitting with her watching the tv, generally something stupidly funny like George and Mildred or Only Fools and Horses, reading books out loud to her, or even doing soduko/word puzzles etc. (photocopy the books and see who can do it the quickest - we found kept the elephant out of the room)

Sometimes we were in different rooms, but she knew we were there, which she said she found comforting that one or more of her children was always there with her.

Mums mum and Mums sister found it extremely difficult watching the demise of someone they had known longer than Mums children and tried to be helpful, but when your Mum tells you she is happy that you are all there, and not squabbling, like siblings do, you try to not take any notice of what others who think they know better are saying.

im sure in the middle of the night, when your mother is awake and alone she will meditate, often my sisters and I would wake up on the sofa to see our mother just watching us.

Im sure your mother feels comforted to know that you want to be there for her in her last few months.

My heart breaks for you.
Do what feels right. Don't listen to anyone but your mum and your instinct.

@namechangenumber296 I think has the best suggestion. Above all what you describe shows you are a loving daughter.

Coming back to this thread as an outlet, as it is all just really hard now.

My aunt and my mum's husband haven't made any sort of contact with me for the last couple of days. I just don't know what is happening, the family dynamics feel completely broken.

I feel very alone. Thank God I have my partner because I just don't fit right with family of origin.

Eeveryone's emotions are heightened and I get that, but at the same time we travelled here because I need to be here, staying at an Airbnb because there is no room for me at my mum's house and and it all feels awkward and wrong somehow, as it is a bit isolating.

To be honest part of me wishes I could go home, I am exhausted.

How far away is home, and how long is the airb&b booked for?

Home is a long flight away.

We keep renewing the Airbnb.

Then it’s a decent day/night out with your partner, no talk of anything except silliness, dreams and happiness.

xxxx

Frankly your aunt has no right to speak on behalf of your mum if your mum hasn't asked her to. She's interfering.
As PPs have said, you are being the exact opposite of selfish. Your mum is lucky to have you. Sorry you're going through this.

It is very kind of people to be reassuring that I'm not selfish, but honestly I am. I just want to run away from the whole situation!

How can that not be selfish?

I am so sorry for what you are going through. I was going to suggest making use of the family room, then you are close by. Sometimes she’ll want company, other times might need time on her own to come to terms with dying, quiet time to reflect, perhaps meditate.
This is not any way a reflection of her not needing you/loving you.
This is an emotional time for both of you.
The hospice will/should offer counselling- please ask them if they haven’t told you about it ,& please accept it. It really does help.
Only concentrate on your emotions & the relationship with you mother. I know it’s difficult, but put other peoples/relatives aside. Try not to think about them.
Take one day at a time. Such a painful time for you- I send you huge virtual hugs,& I am truly sorry for what you’re going through.

Hi OP
bless you, I have been in a similar situation myself and these unconventional relationships with mothers in particular, often throw up a whole host of emotions. You are doing more than anyone could expect and she is very lucky to have you. You’ve checked in and she is happy with the current plan, it’s likely that others also don’t understand the complexity of your relationship with your mum and therefore, can’t make helpful suggestions. In my experience, dying is probably the most reflective time of a persons life and she probably takes great comfort from you, especially you, being there.
But, you also need comfort so only give what you can. Look after yourself too. The next months and years you will need yourself more than you ever have so don’t be afraid of putting yourself first.
All the best 💐

You aren't selfish for wanting to be near your mum and it's ok for you to have your needs met too. That said, ask her. If I were your mum though I would be feeling a lot of peace knowing that, despite what's happened, you choose to be with her. You are a good person.

Hello op I just wanted to say that you are in no way being selfish, your just exhausted, your mam should be so proud of you and how you are handling this horrible situation you are in , im very glad you have a partner with you for support. Sending love

1. You're with her for hours every day
2. You're thinking about whether she wants you there
3. You're thinking about the wishes of other family members
4. You're thinking about whether you should do things differently to benefit your mother

All of this is the opposite of selfish.
Understandably your head isn't in the right place just now. In a situation like this almost everyone feels guilty when they have no reason to. I hope you get some comfort knowing a lot of us strangers here on MN are thinking of you.