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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Feeling alone and vulnerable at Christmas

72 replies

Sparklybutold · 28/12/2022 14:10

Who else has felt this? I have a DH and 2 kids. We both lucked out on family. I'm estranged and DH has an emotionally unavailable and distant family. We both work hard (although this financially, bears no resemblance to our actual quality of life). We are currently both off but all of us have come down with a vomiting bug. I'm currently sitting with my DD whilst my DH and DS sleep and feel incredibly alone. It's moments like this where I feel so vulnerable and alone. Anyone else become acutely aware how having no family completely sucks?

OP posts:
Original poster
Sparklybutold · 28/12/2022 14:14

Just had a ‘supporting’ text from DH mum ‘to take it easy’. Cheers. Yes I'll do that. About as useless as saying ‘ill pray for you’. Do some people really have no clue?

OP posts:
MintJulia · 28/12/2022 14:17

But it would be unwise for anyone to come near you. Unfortunately, in these circumstances, it really is a case of sit it out with your dcs and dh.

At least your mil made contact. I'm sure if you need food or medicine she would fetch it for you.

AnneLovesGilbert · 28/12/2022 14:18

You do have family. You have your DD, your DH is asleep but under the same roof, you have a MIL who sent a kind message. What exactly do up I want from her?

RedHelenB · 28/12/2022 14:20

Sparklybutold · 28/12/2022 14:14

Just had a ‘supporting’ text from DH mum ‘to take it easy’. Cheers. Yes I'll do that. About as useless as saying ‘ill pray for you’. Do some people really have no clue?

That's good. You need to concentrate on the positives.

Pennina · 28/12/2022 14:22

Oh poor you, sounds rotten. I hope the family get well soon and that you don't catch it. Did you have a good Christmas or the the virus come along like a bad fairy and spoil things?. I know how you feel re lack of support, I've almost no family. In-laws now no longer with us.

I'm completely alone today, kids out, DH working, I'm having a nice bit of time to myself. I appreciate that's a different sort of 'alone' day to your's though OP - I do understand there's alone and alone, I've had days like your's in the past.

Hope things improve and that you can perhaps have a better weekend.

Ponoka7 · 28/12/2022 14:22

Just because people have families, doesn't mean that they are helpful or supportive. I was actually alone at Christmas. You've had a supportive text from a family member. Your OH is in the same house as you. There are two of you to manage your children. I think that you need to reframe things, you are probably just down because vomiting and young children is hell.

purplecorkheart · 28/12/2022 14:22

What do you expect your mil to do though? Come round and visit and take the bug home with her and pass it on to others?

She is trying to be supportive in her own way. Make sure dh does his fair share

Original poster
Sparklybutold · 28/12/2022 14:22

Positive toxicity. Yup that really helps right now.

OP posts:
Original poster
Sparklybutold · 28/12/2022 14:25

Pennina · 28/12/2022 14:22

Oh poor you, sounds rotten. I hope the family get well soon and that you don't catch it. Did you have a good Christmas or the the virus come along like a bad fairy and spoil things?. I know how you feel re lack of support, I've almost no family. In-laws now no longer with us.

I'm completely alone today, kids out, DH working, I'm having a nice bit of time to myself. I appreciate that's a different sort of 'alone' day to your's though OP - I do understand there's alone and alone, I've had days like your's in the past.

Hope things improve and that you can perhaps have a better weekend.

I'm just feeling a little shit. I'm acutely aware of how alone I am. Christmas is always a stark reminder of this.

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 28/12/2022 14:26

Well what would help? You don’t feel her text was supportive. What do you want instead? She doesn’t want to catch it, she just told you to rest up which is a perfectly normal thing to say.

Dacadactyl · 28/12/2022 14:27

I'm not sure what you want your MIL to say or do. Her text sounded fine to me?

If you need her help, just text her and ask her to help you.

Original poster
Sparklybutold · 28/12/2022 14:27

Ponoka7 · 28/12/2022 14:22

Just because people have families, doesn't mean that they are helpful or supportive. I was actually alone at Christmas. You've had a supportive text from a family member. Your OH is in the same house as you. There are two of you to manage your children. I think that you need to reframe things, you are probably just down because vomiting and young children is hell.

I'm definitely feeling worn down. My DH is too tbh. We both work hard. And then last night looking at finances and again, I'm left with the feeling - what's the point? I don't think it helps that a lot of my friends have very supportive families.

OP posts:
Hbh17 · 28/12/2022 14:29

You are not alone - you have a husband, children and in laws. And I presume you also have friends, who are often more important than family could ever be. You don't feel well, so that may be getting you down, but it sounds like your life is pretty good.

Original poster
Sparklybutold · 28/12/2022 14:30

AnneLovesGilbert · 28/12/2022 14:26

Well what would help? You don’t feel her text was supportive. What do you want instead? She doesn’t want to catch it, she just told you to rest up which is a perfectly normal thing to say.

I think sadly DH parents communication style just completely misses the mark. I know DH saw them over the Christmas holidays and it completely threw him. He really struggles with them. As do I. They are just so cold.

OP posts:
Kanaloa · 28/12/2022 14:30

I mean there’s not too much mil could have done really. Take it easy is a useless platitude, but even a doctor couldn’t say or anything really actually useful and helpful, could they?

But Christmas can be a hard time. I always find comfort in thinking that actually compared to a lot of others, I’m lucky. I don’t have much family but I’ve got my DH and my kids. I worked with older people previously and often when I went to help them on holidays they wouldn’t be seeing anyone. I remember sitting in my car in tears because I’d visited one lady who told me (on January 2nd) that I was bringing in her new year. And I hadn’t even brought anything with me. So I suppose it’s just finding the positives and being resilient in those. But that’s hard when you’re feeling ill.

ComtesseDeSpair · 28/12/2022 14:30

I’d send that kind of message in the context and think it was perfectly fine to be honest. A vomiting bug is grim but two adults can manage between them. There’s a mismatch of expectations, and it seems you have higher ones, but MIL has been kind enough.

If your families don’t meet your expectations, what about friends? Poor relationships with relatives don’t mean you have to be alone. Mine and DH’s families are both fab but far away, and our friends are basically family with all the love, care and mutual support you’d hope for.

memorial · 28/12/2022 14:31

Jeez you sound entitled and spoilt. No one owes you anything. Try be a single working mother in a pressured job with 2 small children and an abusive ex and you all get flu/covid. Get over yourself

PrincessOfWaiIs · 28/12/2022 14:32

Neither me nor DH have any family whatsoever (mine are dead, he went NC with his decades ago after years of upset and pain inflicted by them).

We have absolutely no friends between us, either.

DD is an adult now but it was incredibly difficult when she was little. Practical stuff like having nobody to help in an emergency (for example, dropping off groceries when we were all ill or the occasional bit of babysitting - DH and I went nowhere alone until DD was in her teens). But also the nice stuff - sharing Christmases/birthdays, having someone to chat to, DD having people around generally (we've lived in our house for 20 years and haven't had one visitor in all that time).

It's very lonely and incredibly isolating, so yes, I'm acutely aware. A supportive text from a family member when we're all ill sounds like a dream tbh.

missverstaendnis · 28/12/2022 14:33

I feel the same way, I totally understand where you are coming from.
And no, having kids or unavailable family doesn't make you less lonely.
Can't wait to get back to work (six more days) to have some sort of social interaction and structure back. just very very lonely with two (wonderful) kids but friends all busy and wider family is abroad and/or unavailable

RoomOfRequirement · 28/12/2022 14:33

Her text was fine. I'm nor sure what you expect.

And you literally have a family in the same house as you. Your family.

'Alone'.

Sshhhhh · 28/12/2022 14:35

But you're not alone...? And have had a text so you know someone is thinking of you

I spent Christmas day completely alone (as i have done for 5 years). I was 40 this year and other than cards from my primary school aged kids you wouldn't have known it was a 'big' birthday.

I work my arse off and can't make ends meet.

I'd give anything to have a DH to share the load with and a mil text me.

Not a pity post, more of a please realise how lucky you are post.

Hope you all feel better soon.

Original poster
Sparklybutold · 28/12/2022 14:36

Kanaloa · 28/12/2022 14:30

I mean there’s not too much mil could have done really. Take it easy is a useless platitude, but even a doctor couldn’t say or anything really actually useful and helpful, could they?

But Christmas can be a hard time. I always find comfort in thinking that actually compared to a lot of others, I’m lucky. I don’t have much family but I’ve got my DH and my kids. I worked with older people previously and often when I went to help them on holidays they wouldn’t be seeing anyone. I remember sitting in my car in tears because I’d visited one lady who told me (on January 2nd) that I was bringing in her new year. And I hadn’t even brought anything with me. So I suppose it’s just finding the positives and being resilient in those. But that’s hard when you’re feeling ill.

❤️

OP posts:
Original poster
Sparklybutold · 28/12/2022 14:37

ComtesseDeSpair · 28/12/2022 14:30

I’d send that kind of message in the context and think it was perfectly fine to be honest. A vomiting bug is grim but two adults can manage between them. There’s a mismatch of expectations, and it seems you have higher ones, but MIL has been kind enough.

If your families don’t meet your expectations, what about friends? Poor relationships with relatives don’t mean you have to be alone. Mine and DH’s families are both fab but far away, and our friends are basically family with all the love, care and mutual support you’d hope for.

Nothing like an empathetic response. Good for you.

OP posts:
Original poster
Sparklybutold · 28/12/2022 14:38

memorial · 28/12/2022 14:31

Jeez you sound entitled and spoilt. No one owes you anything. Try be a single working mother in a pressured job with 2 small children and an abusive ex and you all get flu/covid. Get over yourself

I am so sorry to read this. This does sound tough.

OP posts:
Original poster
Sparklybutold · 28/12/2022 14:38

PrincessOfWaiIs · 28/12/2022 14:32

Neither me nor DH have any family whatsoever (mine are dead, he went NC with his decades ago after years of upset and pain inflicted by them).

We have absolutely no friends between us, either.

DD is an adult now but it was incredibly difficult when she was little. Practical stuff like having nobody to help in an emergency (for example, dropping off groceries when we were all ill or the occasional bit of babysitting - DH and I went nowhere alone until DD was in her teens). But also the nice stuff - sharing Christmases/birthdays, having someone to chat to, DD having people around generally (we've lived in our house for 20 years and haven't had one visitor in all that time).

It's very lonely and incredibly isolating, so yes, I'm acutely aware. A supportive text from a family member when we're all ill sounds like a dream tbh.

❤️

OP posts:
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