Background: I used to work full time. DS is autistic and was permanently excluded from school this year. It happened at the same time as a bereavement and I was signed off work with stress, then they agreed I could take unpaid leave until we found him a new school. He started in September and I went back part time, 5 days a week but school hours only. We have no childcare outside of school, no one can care for DS. DH works full time, mostly from home but sometimes in the office - quite flexible. I work from home.
New school say they won't exclude DS, but he frequently refuses to go in. On those days we have several hours of very stressful negotiation and sometimes he stays home, sometimes DH takes him in late. School is an hour away and he's supposed to go by taxi. It's the closest school that will take him.
DS has violent meltdowns often. We've both been hurt and I'm emotionally and physically exhausted. I'm feeling it more after a few days of mixing with family which means I'm constantly on edge trying to keep safe. DS is extremely attached to me and has to be physically touching me at all times which is very draining. He can't cope with noise so I spent a lot of Christmas shut in a room with him while the rest of the extended family enjoyed Christmas together. I'm feeling quite miserable at the moment.
I'm due to change roles at work when I go back next week which will mean more responsibility (line management, being primary contact for clients). This is what I was doing when I was full time but even before DS was excluded I was struggling to cope. When I went back I was planning to negotiate for a more flexible or lower workload role, but my company happened to make a large proportion of the workforce redundant at exactly the same time. I now have no leverage, it's this role or nothing. I was lucky that for the last few months I didn't have much to do while they found me a new role (I missed the redundancies because I was on leave).
If DS goes to school, all is great - I enjoy working, I earn a lot of money and I like socialising with other adults. But on the days he refuses, I face a few hours of being attacked which means I'm going to miss meetings and I'm going to be exhausted and struggle to cope. On the days we can't get him in, even late, it's going to be very hard to work at all. Plus he has appointments about once a week which take several hours out of the day. So far I've just been taking him without telling work but I can't keep getting away with that in the new role.
Before he was excluded we realised it wasn't working with both of us working full time and decided one of us would need to quit. At the time DS was being sent home frequently and we've never had childcare outside of school hours (he started in 2020 so not unusual at first). We agreed it should be DH who should quit because I earn more, his job was less secure at the time, and he had a chronic illness. He didn't want to quit and basically put it off so long that I gave up and ended up being signed off then taking leave myself. To be honest I don't want DH to quit either. I don't want to be outing, but we both feel that his job is more 'worthwhile' - it's a vocation he's been working toward all his life, highly skilled, something that will benefit society. And he loves it. My job is just a generic office job - I get paid a lot, but I don't particularly care about it and it definitely isn't a vocation.
We can't really afford to live on DH's salary. But every time DS refuses school my anxiety levels go off the scale and my brain screams that I need to quit - I just can't cope with work on top of everything else. I really want to hand in my notice next week. But, that means accepting no more holidays, no bigger house, probably very hard times financially. Plus, I can't drive. I have tried- I took lessons for 10 years, passed on my 4th test, drove for a couple of years but crashed several times. DS is being assessed for dyspraxia and i e had a lightbulb moment recently that maybe I have it too and that's why I can't drive, ride a bike etc. so that means even if I quit, DH will still have to miss work to drive him to school, to appointments etc. plus his chronic illness may mean surgery this year which would mean several weeks/months this year.
God I'm so miserable. I wish there was a magic button that could make our lives better. I don't know why I think quitting work is going to help anything. I just don't know how I'm going to cope.