To quit my job

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Background: I used to work full time. DS is autistic and was permanently excluded from school this year. It happened at the same time as a bereavement and I was signed off work with stress, then they agreed I could take unpaid leave until we found him a new school. He started in September and I went back part time, 5 days a week but school hours only. We have no childcare outside of school, no one can care for DS. DH works full time, mostly from home but sometimes in the office - quite flexible. I work from home.

New school say they won't exclude DS, but he frequently refuses to go in. On those days we have several hours of very stressful negotiation and sometimes he stays home, sometimes DH takes him in late. School is an hour away and he's supposed to go by taxi. It's the closest school that will take him.

DS has violent meltdowns often. We've both been hurt and I'm emotionally and physically exhausted. I'm feeling it more after a few days of mixing with family which means I'm constantly on edge trying to keep safe. DS is extremely attached to me and has to be physically touching me at all times which is very draining. He can't cope with noise so I spent a lot of Christmas shut in a room with him while the rest of the extended family enjoyed Christmas together. I'm feeling quite miserable at the moment.

I'm due to change roles at work when I go back next week which will mean more responsibility (line management, being primary contact for clients). This is what I was doing when I was full time but even before DS was excluded I was struggling to cope. When I went back I was planning to negotiate for a more flexible or lower workload role, but my company happened to make a large proportion of the workforce redundant at exactly the same time. I now have no leverage, it's this role or nothing. I was lucky that for the last few months I didn't have much to do while they found me a new role (I missed the redundancies because I was on leave).

If DS goes to school, all is great - I enjoy working, I earn a lot of money and I like socialising with other adults. But on the days he refuses, I face a few hours of being attacked which means I'm going to miss meetings and I'm going to be exhausted and struggle to cope. On the days we can't get him in, even late, it's going to be very hard to work at all. Plus he has appointments about once a week which take several hours out of the day. So far I've just been taking him without telling work but I can't keep getting away with that in the new role.

Before he was excluded we realised it wasn't working with both of us working full time and decided one of us would need to quit. At the time DS was being sent home frequently and we've never had childcare outside of school hours (he started in 2020 so not unusual at first). We agreed it should be DH who should quit because I earn more, his job was less secure at the time, and he had a chronic illness. He didn't want to quit and basically put it off so long that I gave up and ended up being signed off then taking leave myself. To be honest I don't want DH to quit either. I don't want to be outing, but we both feel that his job is more 'worthwhile' - it's a vocation he's been working toward all his life, highly skilled, something that will benefit society. And he loves it. My job is just a generic office job - I get paid a lot, but I don't particularly care about it and it definitely isn't a vocation.

We can't really afford to live on DH's salary. But every time DS refuses school my anxiety levels go off the scale and my brain screams that I need to quit - I just can't cope with work on top of everything else. I really want to hand in my notice next week. But, that means accepting no more holidays, no bigger house, probably very hard times financially. Plus, I can't drive. I have tried- I took lessons for 10 years, passed on my 4th test, drove for a couple of years but crashed several times. DS is being assessed for dyspraxia and i e had a lightbulb moment recently that maybe I have it too and that's why I can't drive, ride a bike etc. so that means even if I quit, DH will still have to miss work to drive him to school, to appointments etc. plus his chronic illness may mean surgery this year which would mean several weeks/months this year.

God I'm so miserable. I wish there was a magic button that could make our lives better. I don't know why I think quitting work is going to help anything. I just don't know how I'm going to cope.

Heartfelt Sympathies OP

My DD 15 school refused( hate that term) for a couple of years before being diagnosed with ASC . She now has tutors and therapy provided by LA which is a lot of running around and theres no guarantee she will go.
It takes up so much headspace and its hugely draining both emotionally and physically.
So I do understand, you do need to be kind to yourself and accept your limits.
If DS can't get in taxi and it's not feasible to take him in late maybe you need to accept that he cant go in that day?
( easier said than done I know)
With the appointment can you and/ or DH adjust your working hours around it perhaps you take one week and DH the next? Or is it possible to reschedule to a better time?
You are clearly good at your job and very capable, it's your family circumstances that are pushing you to your limits.
DH really needs to step up and share the burden fairly.
I totally understand why you want to resign, I really do but this would put you in a financially vulnerable position, particularly if you and DH ever split up , so do think of your own financial independence. Could DH also go part time?
Driving an automatic car is an excellent idea, it's simpler and you still have your independence. Definitely worth a try.
Also try and build in some rest and relaxation for you, you can't run on empty.
Lastly have you applied for DLA for DS? I get this for DD and the extra money certainly helps so worth looking into if you don't have it already.
Good luck , I hope the new year is easier than you fear.

Op from a pure practical pov you either need DH to give up or go part time in his job.

Or he needs to do the bulk of the care to enable your financially better role to be viable.

No matter what, the future will need DH to step up.

Lots of good suggestions so far.
Do not quit for the many reasons already stated above by other pp.

Your employer sounds understanding. Have you fully explored the option to remain in your current role that works around school hours? Are you able to start work a little later, eg. 9.15?/9.30? or even 10am?

We’ve got our own Yr 3 school refuser. It started beginning of Yr 2. We think Covid lockdowns popping up during the start of DS’ first year at school (also 2020) was the initial cause (home schooling did not work as we were both WFH). Then bullying from a new school kid in his class (friend-enemy) from Yr 2.
Long story short - DS nearly got permanently excluded recently due to a series of incidents where he finally had enough and fought back. DS got the better of the bully. Staff members got caught up in the fighting and were unfortunately physically hurt whilst trying to break up the fights during a few incidents.
I wouldn’t have managed to attend all of the ad hoc, last minute school meetings if I wasn’t also working PT school hours from home. Also attending block of Speech and Language Therapy appointments during the Summer Term. DH also attended a few recent school appointments towards the end when things got really bad. DH is the main earner and owns two businesses working office hours, most evenings and a weekend morning. DH also does most morning school runs, so it is possible for your DH to step up and take on more re. your DC. Your DH should be exploring his employer’s flexible working practices.

I also work in the public sector around issues involving children. My knowledge in this area has helped me to educate school management in regard to their response and strategies to bullying. We have also ensured that DS is continuing to receive access to the help that he needs via school, eg. Behaviour Consultant and a Educational Psychologist.

I would also suggest looking for jobs within your Local Authority/Council. You could initially go into a FT role with the option of WFH some days and general flexitime (core hours) and then request further flexible working hours (PT, compressed, school hours, term-term only, etc) down the line if necessary.

OP that sounds very hard, I’m sorry. I don’t have much advice except to say that I think legally your employer has to make special accommodation for you re your son’s disability in the same manner as if you were the one with a disability. Worth speaking to an employment lawyer about it.

I also quit my PT job a few years ago when it all got too much (for other reasons which include burn out from work due to staff shortages and managing a sudden health issue re. one of our three DC). I was unemployed for several months after working since I was 14 years old. I then went back to work after realising it was the wrong decision. I eventually got bored once our youngest DC started school, I missed having adult interaction at work, the challenges or working in a ‘worthwhile’ job and I regretted no longer being in a position to create my own financial independence.
Working PT school hours works for us due to the reasons listed in my previous post (youngest DC has become a school
refuser).

I also forgot to mention that things are slowly improving with DS since he’s been receiving more intervention via the school. DS was assessed and considered to be ‘on the cut off’ to be considered Autistic, but there is recognition that he possesses autistic traits, therefore, we and his school interact with him accordingly regardless of DS not acquiring the Autism label.

In addition, get an automatic car. I passed my test in a manual car, but driving an automatic car is just easier. DH and I have ongoing sports and pregnancy related back issues so switched to automatic several years ago.

Hi OP I would recommend asking MNHQ to move this to the SEN board where knowledgeable posters can help you throw ideas around.

And please ignore the clueless idiots suggesting things like residential schools.

Some parents actually like to have their children at home with them - even if they are hard to look after and even at the expense of their well paid job - shock horror!!

And we wonder why children and adults with autism used to end up locked up in asylums -well we don’t, we know it’s because people have absolute empathy bypasses when it comes to people with disabilities.

Oh OP I feel for you. I have two children with complex special needs and gave up working for ten years. They’re both in a special school now and I’ve managed to find work. It is stressful balancing a full time job and two children with special needs. I would consider not taking the promotion and seeing if they can make any reasonable adjustments as you’re a carer. I’d also consider an automatic.

I would add... If your role is moving to be client facing, I'd seriously consider asking if any other roles would work.

I work in client facing environments and the pressure to be always on is horrific. I work with 1 colleague who negotiated part time hours and it's literally a daily battle - clients don't want to hear "I don't work after 2pm", employers typically don't have much backup because they need to keep clients happy, it's all pressure that's directed onto the individual. Why HR wonders why we have a burnout and female talent retention issue is beyond me - client roles simply don't work for anyone with care roles, hobbies, work life balance needs, in most industries I've been exposed to over the years, which is quite varied.

Úse your employer's flex to avoid being set up to fail if at all possible!!!

Oh my goodness thank you for all the replies. I was feeling very down earlier, have just been out to a light trail and now will read the responses and have a think. You're all right that working would be better for my mental health than quitting.

Sympathy to those who are going through the same, I know I'm not the only one.

Also to clarify, it's not a promotion I'd just be going back to what I've always done. I just had a couple of months respite while they found a position for me, as I came back in the middle of a restructure, but it definitely can't continue. Even the new role is still quite flexible (working from home, school hours only although all year not just term time) and so I don't think changing jobs or asking for a different role would help.

Thank you, sympathy back to you too.

@Cakeyface123 yes this exactly. Sorry you're going through the same and I wish there was a simple answer!

Yes! (How did you know?!)

I think you need to really dig deep and try to be honest even if it's just with yourself about what you want. Do you want to work or is it just too stressful. Can you see yourself doing a different job. If you gave up how would your days look. If DH gave up would that actually be better. Write a pros and cons list which option would be better for your family financially. Which is better for you mentally and then your DH mentally and then is there any compromise. I can honestly say that it wont be like this forever. The school years were the worst for my DS who is 21 now. He hated school he went but he hated it and it was a long hard slog. When he finished and went to college he lifted just a little it was 3 days not 5 it wasnt as regimented and he could seop the subjects he hated. He went mainstream for school and special needs for college. He now works and drives an automatic himself. He is still hard work still has anxiety still struggles to sleep but it's still better now than I could have ever imagined then. Work wise I did the easiest job I could to get through those years but I had to work I would have gone insane without it and now I can do a little more for me. You matter too its okay to matter.

Absolutely. The days when he does happily go off to school and come home happy are so good for all of us.

Seriously try lessons / test drive in an automatic. You've got your license, if you could drive it would make this option better, otherwise dh misses lots of work too. Also try all scenarios in entitled to website. I did out of curiosity and with a household income of 65k I could get 6 quid a week. Not worth it obviously, tax free childcare saves more but if your husband is lower or even middle income maybe it could work. How pt can you go?

Can you both go part-time? It sounds like you would both benefit from having some time in a normal working environment.

DH can't go part time, he's asked but it's genuinely not possible. I'm already down to 80% of full time hours and can't go any lower. Neither of our fields are particularly suited to part time work

Lots of people recommending an automatic so definitely something I'll consider!

We are already claiming DLA, good suggestion to use it for taxis when needed. If one of us did end up quitting we'd apply for caters allowance. We have savings so we'd be fine on one salary for a while, but would run out eventually.

Our house is tiny and this is the source of quite s lot of stress for all of us. We were planning to buy s bigger house this year and have saved r o

Saved enough for a deposit. But we'd need a bigger mortgage, and I don't feel like we can commit to that if there's a chance one of us will end up not working or earning less. It's frustrating because if we both work, we're doing pretty well financially, but if one of us quits we'll be really stretched. Benefits would keep us going, but they wouldn't buy us a bigger house!

Thank you @tootiredtospeak , you're right I need to have a good think about the long term and not just make a gut decision.

my DS is also 7

Another person with a 7 year old autistic dc here. 7 seems to be a particularly difficult age. My dc refuses school transport completely, despite having gone on it for years, leading to me having to transport them to and from school every day. Since I have started doing this dc is much calmer, to the point where I am not going to bother with school transport anymore. I think dc finds it too stressful.

We are starting to think the same. He's a lot calmer without the taxi. Definitely means one of us giving up work though. And I worry that if he then refuses even with us taking him, we have nowhere left to go. Plus we have another child so things get tricky if one of us is ill, has an appointment etc (common with DH who is often ill)