To want to know where I stand in this situationship?

[MaximumTasteNoSugar]

I've not dated in 10 years or so, and I'm well aware that the dating world is very different now (seeing eachother is apparently different to dating which is also apparently different to being exclusive which is ALSO apparently different to being in an actual couple... wtf?!)

I've started seeing someone, we were friends for years first and we've been romantically involved for about a month and a half. We both have busy schedules (I'm a single parent and he works 2 jobs) so we only really get to see eachother once or twice a fortnight, which means we've actually only seen eachother about 6 times since becoming romantic. We have sex every time we're together which us great, he's very caring and sweet and I don't doubt that he cares for me.

HOWEVER..... I very much want to be the type who can go with the flow, take things as they come, not get caught up in "what are we" or "where is this going".

But, WHERE ARE WE??

I'm seeing him this weekend, and part of me wants to get it over with and ask the question but the other part just wants to let things progress naturally and not be such a nag.

For context, we're both 31, he's a very open person and a fantastic communicator, and I'm definitely not lol and I avoid confrontation or awkward conversations at all costs 😂 most of the time to my own detriment.

What should I dooooo?

Of course and women can also ask for more without daft games. Be straight. If he has feelings for you they’ll be no running & you already sound too invested for a FWB setup.

The reason I said that was because your initial message made it sound like OP had brought it on herself by having sex with him. Your other messages have made it sound like that wasn’t actually your intent so I apologise if I have misunderstood/misinterpreted.

I think that a conversation about expectations is the best way forward from here. I hope that it goes well for you OP.

I am about to try and start ‘ dating’ again after 13 years and if I had been ‘seeing’ someone for 6 weeks and we had sex I would be thinking it was a relationship!

I must be really out of touch with the way things are nowadays 😀

I do hope it works out for you OP and you are both on the same page.

I’ve no advice to give but think you are totally not being unreasonable to be looking for some sort of clarity at this stage X

Going with the flow isn't an aspirational approach to take. If you're 31 and investing time and emotion in this then you need to make your expectations clear to him asap, and stop having sex with him until that is done.

Having sex before becoming exclusive / official has created this awkward situation where he gets to have his cake and eat it without defining anything. It's immature and reckless. He should be wanting to secure you if he was really as nice as you describe. And there's no such thing as casual sex because every sexual encounter releases oxytocin in your brain, the bonding hormone. So you'll do yourself no favours pretending to go with the flow as your brain screams the opposite!

Here we go again:

OP - AIBU?

Responses - pretty much yes plus you're using a non-word

OP - but I'm really not being unreasonable and you're all so mean anyway

Just treat it as it happens, neither of you has made a commitment to the other, don't push things.

"Where are things going?" is rather vague. The main question is how do you see the stages of a relationship? Everyone has different ideas - and we don't necessarily get clarity at the same time. At the moment you're "seeing him". When do you want that to move into dating? Dating exclusively? Being in a relationship? Being in a serious committed relationship? When you feel it's time to move to the next stage, then you ask him how he feels. If you're in step, good. If you're not, then it's decision time.

No one knows how a relationship will work out at this early stage but if you would prefer to be exclusive then it's perfectly reasonable to say so.

Open and honest communication isn't the same as confrontation and it's not nagging. If you are worried about asking a simple question at this stage in the game then I think you could have bigger problems with communication further down the line. I think you need to build your confidence and assertiveness.

Your wants and needs are perfectly valid but no one is obliged to cater to them and that's OK too, it just means it isn't meant to be. Don't put pressure on him to read your mind, you are responsible for you and he will not know what you want if you don't tell him.

Don't play stupid games about expectations in modern dating, if you want to be exclusive you need to tell him and find out if that's what he wants too.

Jez, the woman's come on here to get advice and sound out her feelings, and ahead gets criticised and judged for how she'd worded it. Wtf people, wheres the human compassion!

I understand how scary it must be to seeing someone after being single for so long. Although it seems that the dating world has changes, you find what you are comfortable with and follow it. You seem like someone who wouldn't just share their life with anyone, hence your single life up yo know, and you've got kids so I understand you don't want to waste your time or energy on something that's not worth it.

It can feel really scary being vulnerable with someone after so much time on your own. If this person cares about you for you, they will understand your need for reassurance here. And of they don't, then that could be your answer. Communication is so important and people get in their heads and keep things in and then maybe expect your significant other to be a mindreader! ( my experience of myself lol). So surely opening up and expressing your wants, needs and fears is only beneficial for becoming closer to a partner. I'd honestly suggest journaling this stuff down on paper. The thought of writing my thoughts and feelings down used to give me the ick, but its helped me get clarity and conviction in myself so so much. Your feelings are valid, you deserve to be heard and understood by your partner, it just takes you having confidence in your self ( writing and working it out first), then communicating it as best you can, with love and openness and bravery!

I hope it works out for you..I'm sorry you've had a hard time from some of these nasties on here.

Xx

Op I don’t think you should be having sex with someone if you’re not comfortable or happy with what the relationship is

that is to say, if you’re happy that you don’t know what it is that’s fine
if you’re happy it’s just sex it’s fine
but if you want it to be something in particular, and it isn’t that or you don’t know if it’s that, it doesn’t seem sensible to me to have sex then.
I wouldnt have sex in any relationship unless I was comfortable and happy with the parameters

It’s almost New Year, it’s a good time to be saying that you’re really enjoying your new relationship and hope he feels the same? If you really feel strongly about not getting hurt or messed around I think it’s fine to say so and please can we be exclusive. If he (hopefully) agrees then you can say cheers let’s look forward to the year ahead and whatever it brings.

Enjoy.

That's not fair.

Why? I was engaged to DH after 6 weeks. Everyone is different.

Because MN is just bursting at the seams with rude and unhelpful people! They strive off it!

I think it's a bit soon.

Because MN is just bursting at the seams with rude and unhelpful people! They strive off it!

You forgot the picky pedants - thrive, not strive.

God, people can be so nit-picky and horrible. OP, I was once in this 'undefined' stage with someone who had been a friend for years. I said I would prefer it neither of us slept with anyone else while it was ongoing, and he said he felt the same. It's still ongoing and still isn't defined (a whole other story in itself). I think you should at least establish that, even if you don't want to pin him or yourself down yet.

That's what I meant 🤣 and yes I forgot the picky pedants....cheers for the pointer 🤣

Perhaps you should check on exclusivity first. That’s my first step in getting more “defined”. I’d say “I just want to confirm how you feel about us seeing other people, I am not and wanted to check you were on the same page…”

What weird and horrible responses you have got OP!

Of course situationship is a well known term! I’m 60 and I have heard it, and would use it!

Also, OP your dilemma is really normal and understandable. Knowing someone for quite a while and then sleeping with them six times would lead to most people wondering what might happen next.

Asking him if he is seeing anyone else would be a good start and you can frame it as a sexual health question.

Good luck!

Well aside from the unhelpful posters who are only interested in your use of the English language….

I think given you are having sex you are at least entitled to ask if you are exclusive or not. For protection reasons

that might open up other conversations

I’ve been dating someone for 5wks so very similar, been single over a decade. He’s an ex colleague and he’s a single dad with 100% custody right now. I’m a single parent but have teens so easier for me as no babysitter needed. So we have only been on 3 dates, though one was last night which went into today as I stayed over for first time (omg - amazing is all I can say, I’m dying! Ha). We haven’t had any discussions as yet as to where this is going, but from what we have said we aren’t people who want flings, he’s been single 5yrs since his divorce and I know from comments that he’s definitely not into it just for the sex. He’s said a few times ‘don’t break my heart’. Hard for him first relationship post heartbreak of marriage breaking down. So I do think it’s got the potential to be serious, as we both have strong feelings for each other, but it’s kind of good the situation means we have to take it slowly.

I’m not planning on having that conversation anytime soon though, I don’t think it needs it, and I don’t want pressure to spoil things. I’d recommend you do that same for now.

Wow there are some salty people on this thread but also others who have given good advice.

You shouldn’t really have to ask him. Normally if they like you and you’re not being too available and needy they make it very clear early on that they want to be an item and you’re off the market. If he’s not making it clear you’re an item he either isn’t that into you or you’re too
much of a sure thing. Possibly it’s both. I suspect if you’ve been friends he probably knows a bit too much about you and there’s no mystery. The other thing is if you’re a single mother there’s a good chance he doesn’t think there’s any competition for your affection.
Has he actually taken you out anywhere or are you just sleeping together at each other's places? Rather than ask him i’d probably start refusing any sofa type dates and saying you’d rather go out. See what he does then.

When you see each other and 'hang out', are you going out out? As on dates? Doing other stuff together?
I think if you were just 'hanging out' at home, it would make a difference to how you perceive this situationship.