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Original poster

To want to know where I stand in this situationship?

80 replies

MaximumTasteNoSugar · 28/12/2022 00:37

I've not dated in 10 years or so, and I'm well aware that the dating world is very different now (seeing eachother is apparently different to dating which is also apparently different to being exclusive which is ALSO apparently different to being in an actual couple... wtf?!)

I've started seeing someone, we were friends for years first and we've been romantically involved for about a month and a half. We both have busy schedules (I'm a single parent and he works 2 jobs) so we only really get to see eachother once or twice a fortnight, which means we've actually only seen eachother about 6 times since becoming romantic. We have sex every time we're together which us great, he's very caring and sweet and I don't doubt that he cares for me.

HOWEVER..... I very much want to be the type who can go with the flow, take things as they come, not get caught up in "what are we" or "where is this going".

But, WHERE ARE WE??

I'm seeing him this weekend, and part of me wants to get it over with and ask the question but the other part just wants to let things progress naturally and not be such a nag.

For context, we're both 31, he's a very open person and a fantastic communicator, and I'm definitely not lol and I avoid confrontation or awkward conversations at all costs 😂 most of the time to my own detriment.

What should I dooooo?

OP posts:
Christmasnero · 28/12/2022 01:01

situationship is totally a term.
why not ask, you’re 31. I think it’s too old to be messing around not being sure. Alternatively why don’t you decide what you want rather than letting him decide.

are you happy with dating? Or a situationship? Do you need to be exclusive? Or to be an official couple? - totally fair enough if you do need that.
but better to know what you want, rather than just asking him and going along with whatever he says?

SuperHandss · 28/12/2022 01:02

MN is cranky tonight. Situationship is a commonly used phrase for this exact situation.

You are not being a nag to want to know where it’s going & tbh, you should have had a chat before sleeping together. I wouldn’t want to be sleeping with someone who is meeting others at the same time.

Original poster
MaximumTasteNoSugar · 28/12/2022 01:02

@MavisMcMinty LOL exactly the "where are we" question grates most people 😂 like I said in my original post I really wanna be one of those people who can go with the flow but because of shit ive gone through in my life I don't want to end up getting hurt so I'd like to prepare for whatever is to come if that makes sense. Some people here are just unnecessarily rude 🙄

OP posts:
monsteramunch · 28/12/2022 01:03

"I'm really enjoying how things are going and wanted to see if you also see them potentially progressing in future / if that's something you're interested in. I know you're always upfront and honest with me so thought I'd ask your thoughts on it!"

Something like that? Maybe in a message if communication about this sort of thing in person is something you're anxious about?

Schnooze · 28/12/2022 01:04

I think you could open up the subject by saying something like “if we split up, do you think we could ever go back to being just friends” See where that takes you.

CandyLeBonBon · 28/12/2022 01:04

Bloody hell these replies! Op I've heard of a 'situationship' and I'm ancient. As a pp said, I'd ask more generally where you both stand on seeing other people (or not). That's what I did with my now dp 5 years ago at a roughly similar point. And I basically said - look I'm not sure where this might go but o really prefer to see/sleep with one person at a time once it becomes regular so if that's not where you're at, that's great but now is probably a good time to get that out there.

You're not putting any pressure on him but you're being clear about your boundaries.

Original poster
MaximumTasteNoSugar · 28/12/2022 01:04

@Christmasnero Damn that's a good point.. I'm happy with how things are going but like I replied to someone else I just want to know if I can emotionally invest in this "whatever its called", I see it progressing in the future but if he doesn't then I'll end up hurt.

I know I need to grow some balls and just ask something along those lines I guess 😂😭

OP posts:
Eyerollcentral · 28/12/2022 01:04

You’ve had sex every time you’ve met him the six times you’ve met him. I’m not shaming you at all but if you are looking for more I’m not sure you’re sending that signal necessarily?

LittleDragonRoo · 28/12/2022 01:05

Don’t be laid-back, go with the flow. If you do that he will sleep with you until a more serious prospect comes along, and the drop you like a hot potato.

If you like me him, and want a relationship, tell him.

Women thinking that they will only be desirable if they are ultra-casual, no strings attached is one of the biggest cons sold to our generation.

You are a worthy of a decent relationship; if he wants that, great. If he doesn’t, then don’t waste your time and emotions hoping that you’ll eventually coax him in because you’re soooo laid back about commitment, you won’t, you’ll just get hurt.

Christmasnero · 28/12/2022 01:05

Op I don’t know why you’re getting such a hard time
I cross posted and see what you want now
I think you should ask if you want to. But also you could just try to see him a bit more or ask to make plans for a few weeks in the future (not months!!). That may give you a sense of if he’s willing to commit a few weeks to you or not at least. Then you can go from there.

i think it can be reasonable to ask if he’s seeing anyone else as well, especially since you’re sleeping together regularly

monsteramunch · 28/12/2022 01:06

Oh and "I also wanted to check if you're sleeping with anyone else? For sexual health reasons more than anything else." Something like that. Not just a perfectly reasonable question but a sensible one that should always be asked.

Badtasteflump · 28/12/2022 01:06

OP I would say take it slowly and just see where it naturally goes. Surely you will either start to like each other more, get closer and start to see each other more - or you won't. Putting a label on it doesn't build a relationship any quicker. If you're struggling with that, my advice would be to put that energy into making plans with friends/family/whatever else you have in your life and try to take the focus off him - don't wait around for him to decide 'what this is' (or 'ask' him!) because it's not just up to him, is it?

hugefanofcheese · 28/12/2022 01:06

MaximumTasteNoSugar · 28/12/2022 00:59

@hugefanofcheese I think it's more that I want to know if he sees it progressing in the future, because I do, and I want to know if I should emotionally invest or not.

That's a pretty clear question to ask, how he sees things progressing! It's asking for his feelings specifically rather than putting the definition in his court. I'd have your own answer worked out in terms of what you want and what you'll accept if there's a discrepancy between what you each want.

monsteramunch · 28/12/2022 01:06

CandyLeBonBon · 28/12/2022 01:04

Bloody hell these replies! Op I've heard of a 'situationship' and I'm ancient. As a pp said, I'd ask more generally where you both stand on seeing other people (or not). That's what I did with my now dp 5 years ago at a roughly similar point. And I basically said - look I'm not sure where this might go but o really prefer to see/sleep with one person at a time once it becomes regular so if that's not where you're at, that's great but now is probably a good time to get that out there.

You're not putting any pressure on him but you're being clear about your boundaries.

This is very sound advice.

Original poster
MaximumTasteNoSugar · 28/12/2022 01:06

@monsteramunch Totally copying and pasting everything you said!! 😂🙏

OP posts:
LipsSoScarlet · 28/12/2022 01:09

Eyerollcentral · 28/12/2022 01:04

You’ve had sex every time you’ve met him the six times you’ve met him. I’m not shaming you at all but if you are looking for more I’m not sure you’re sending that signal necessarily?

Come on. You’re absolutely shaming her. Lots of people have ONS or sex on a first date that lead to serious relationships. There’s nothing wrong with that and it isn’t unusual.

moofolk · 28/12/2022 01:11

Yes what @monsteramunch said, and if I have anything extra to add it's just

  • think about what you want (boundaries, seeing other people, how you both feel with each other,hopes for the future, etc.)
  • bloody hell, six sexy dates?! If you were lesbians you'd be living together by now. Pull some teeth, girl!
Aquamarine1029 · 28/12/2022 01:13

OP I would say take it slowly and just see where it naturally goes.

Given she's fucked him every time she's seen him, that's pretty much out the window. It's now time for her to be a grown up and ask him directly where he sees this "situationship" going.

Eyerollcentral · 28/12/2022 01:14

@LipsSoScarlet sorry I’m absolutely not shaming the OP at all, I’m just saying that if she doesn’t want to have a casual sexual relationship with someone who is leaving her in doubt after six weeks, don’t have sex with him. Of course I know people have ONS that begin long term relationships, but she obviously is insecure about where this is headed because she is asking the question?

Lexi868 · 28/12/2022 01:15

Jesus, some of you are super harsh.
It's fine to want to know what's going on. You've been intimate and you've beeb friends for a while and you are a single mum so you don't want to mess around necessarily.
Just ask him how he sees things progressing and tall about it from the point of view of being concerned over your friendship. Would he risk the friendship taking it to another level is something you could ask, for example.
I dont think it's too soon to ask. And if he runs, better run early than when you get more involved because it's clear you like him and want something more to happen.

Original poster
MaximumTasteNoSugar · 28/12/2022 01:15

@Eyerollcentral Not sure if you read but I've known him for years, and we hung out a couple of times a month before we became more than friends and I didn't have sex with him any of those times 😂 I don't think I'm sending any wrong signals, it's 2022 and women are allowed to enjoy sex!

OP posts:
Lexi868 · 28/12/2022 01:16

Sorry for my many grammatical errors 😆

Eyerollcentral · 28/12/2022 01:18

@MaximumTasteNoSugar you are the one asking the question? You might have known him ten years but you haven’t been shagging him ten years? I don’t know where you are getting the idea I don’t think women can enjoy sex, but that’s not the case at all.

Original poster
MaximumTasteNoSugar · 28/12/2022 01:23

@Eyerollcentral I'm asking how would I go about having that conversation and if it's too early etc.. having sex has nothing to do with it imo, it's not the 1950s and no one has to wait til the 3rd date or whatever to have sex. Personally I think it's an important part of a relationship or dating, you need to know if you're sexually compatible.
What you said comes across like, because I'm sleeping with him I'm sending the wrong message which I disagree with, especially nowadays

OP posts:
Eyerollcentral · 28/12/2022 01:34

@MaximumTasteNoSugar the question isn’t whether it’s the 1950s, you’ve gone to a total extreme there, and going to that extreme actually makes it come across that you don’t feel necessarily comfortable with the way the relationship is at the moment. There’s nothing wrong with that just as there’s nothing wrong with a totally casual relationship? If you don’t want to verbalise how you feel then try meeting him and not having sex so you can see how you both feel. There’s nothing wrong with having the relationship you are having, but you don’t seem happy with it.