80 year old mother with dirty habits

[Galdownunder]

I am really struggling atm. Have Mum here for Xmas and a few days' holiday. She is 80 and has cancer so bearing that in mind I'm trying not to snap but she has some terrible habits that are really getting me down. When she goes for a shower she will often walk across the hall back and forth to her bedroom from the bathroom naked. My husband and 19 year old daughter are here and don't need to see that. She also has issues with faecal incontinence which she tries to hide/pretend doesn't happen so I'm often finding poo on the shower floor or round the toilet etc. She pooed her pants 3x yesterday and just washes the clothes in the sink (the one where we brush our teeth!) with no soap etc and hangs these half cleaned garments on our back verandah chairs where we sit to eat meals. I am trying to be kind and understanding but I wish to christ she'd just use the continence pants the palliative nurses have given her. Pretending it isn't happening hasn;'t worked for the past 5 years and she just won't listen. Its getting to the point I don't want her to stay here as I'm nearly vomiting with the poop cleaning etc. AIBU?

80 years old and with cancer, fecal incontinence and under palliative care. Wow ...... I would hope my daughter as family would show a little more discretion and compassion.

Buy her a light robe or sarong to cover up or ask the family to stay out of the way if she leaves the bathroom after a shower - shouldn't be a problem u less you live in Downton Abbey.

Buy a bucket with a lid so she can soak her underwear before you put it through a wash.

That sounds hard.

Perhaps she needs to hear it from your husband? ‘Dear MIL, we cannot have you to stay unless you use your incontinence pads. It is not fair on us.’

She will be used to your fussing. Perhaps a different voice will make it real.

Fair enough. I think I'm overtired and need to be more proactive. Thanks for the kick up the arse lol. I needed it I think.

This sounds very difficult. I think you should ignore the nakedness and address the cleanliness issue.

It's a health hazard to wash fecal matter off clothes into a sink you clean your teeth into, not to speak of hanging them on chairs near where people eat. I think you seriously need to tackle this point with her otherwise someone in the family could get very sick.

Does she have medication for the incontinence?
I think you’re going to have to be firm with her, tell her she needs to wear a bathrobe or even a big bath sheets wrapped around her self.
Same with the incontinence pants, tell her they are actually easier to take off if soiled because they tear down both sides, allowing her to take them off like a nappy instead of trying to take them off like normal knickers and ending up with poo down her legs or on the floor.
I went through this with my mother in law, she did eventually wear them, she wasn’t the problem, it was FIL trying to wash them out that was the problem. Nothing worse than half washed shifty I/pants drying over the radiators.
I lost my rag one day with him over it. The poor woman had little dignity left as it was.
Could you try puppy pads on the floor around the toilet to catch any drips?

Pull up pads and continence bin in bathroom or a lidded bucket with disinfectant water ik it - tell your mum you will sort out soiled knickers discretely she doesn't need to try - as it's not discrete at the moment.

All you can do is give her a light dressing gown, asking her to put it on when outside her bedroom- it's hard to change long standing habits like walking around naked - especially if either cancer has metastasised to brain or she has cognitive symptoms due to other illnesses.

Please DON’T ask your DH to speak to her, that would be so insensitive. Other advice re robe and Velcro type pants and soaking bucket sounds good.

Sounds like she has dementia too. I can't imagine a grandmother being happy to walk around naked where her grandchildren may see her.

Sympathy OP, my df had some very distressing personal habits too and would make his incontinence issues so much worse by not wearing his pads, or wearing them incorrectly, or “helping” to clean up. The lack of personal boundaries was very startling too, particularly when he seemed cogent in other ways.

It helped to remember that this was brain damage, and not a character or moral flaw.

This and show some compassion.

'doesnt need to see that ' is a vile way to describe your mother.

Sounds really, really hard OP, I really feel for you.

Unnecessary few replies here, it's not a slight on your mum or your relationship becausr you cant cope with faeces everywhere!! She will be going home soon surely? Maybe she needs some extra input there.

Exact same situation with MIL. She had dementia.

It was the same with my dad when his dementia first set in.

People who tell you that you are being unkind have probably never experienced this. My dad used to try and wash his poo covered boxers on the kitchen sink, over dishes that were in there.

People never realise that the frustration and anger comes because you love them and it’s horrific seeing them act that way.

No, sorry. That’s not how it works for the majority of people.

I’ve worked in care for many years and am now watching the decline of my own father.

The anger and frustration is born out of fear. Unless you have witnessed the decline of a loved one, you won’t understand that the frustration comes from seeing the person you love change like this. It’s terrifying. Some people might be able to continue with compassion, but for most, it’s heartbreaking and that sometimes shows itself in anger and looks like you don’t care etc. Its perfectly normal, I’ve lost count of the family members who have cried to me in frustration and fear over the years.

Thanks for the replies I accept I don’t sound very kind or compassionate. I’m tired and frustrated and yes angry. Of course I am very gentle with her and I do everything I can to assist her. The incontinence has been for 5+ years, dad looked after it a lot and he’s dead now so I’ve come to realise it’s quite a bit more frequent than I understood. I’ve taken the advice on board and will be following up on the suggestions so thanks for the advice and posts I appreciate it.

Is it possible there's dementia in the mix? It sounds like she needs support. It's very hard for you too. Is she in touch with a continence nurse via her GP? Might a call to her Gp be an idea, assuming you can get through of course.

No it’s not dementia she has regular dr visits and they check in on that fairly regularly. I spoke to her sister and she said Mum told her she feels continence pants etc are nappies and demeaning (her words not mine). She can’t see really well so I think she thinks (in her mind) she’s doing a great job of covering up/managing this combined with plain old “ignore it and it’ll go away”. It’s just frustrating. I’ve spoken to her about the naked walks and she said she didn’t think anyone was around. That’s not a big issue in the scheme of things it’s the toileting stuff that’s getting me down that’s all. Anyway some kind posters made some good suggestions and I’ll reach out to the palliative care team this week to let them know what’s happening and maybe they can also help her to see that she needs to take better care of this. I’m worried too that she’ll have skin issues because she’s not showering between incidents so that’s something else to add in to the mix. Last thing she needs is sores/skin breakdown in those tender areas.

The ‘Always’ brand do a long plus pad which has an elasticated inner that I’ve had success with when I had temporary bowel issues.
It’s hard to describe them really, they are longer than period pads, slightly thicker but not bulky.
The elasticated ‘trough’ kept everything in place until I could sort myself out. No one could tell I was wearing one.

Disgusting. I could not be doing with that, mother or otherwise. And I'd never expect my daughter to put up with it from me.

OP please don't take the nasty replies to heart, it's a really tough situation you're in and if you need to let off steam about it that's ok.

I agree that this could be a sign of dementia. Could you talk to her GP, or the care team at the hospital she's with for her cancer treatment?

It would be worth getting her assessed.

You wouldn’t be human if you didn’t feel disgusted at some points. Our house smelt of wee when mil had cancer and I had to wipe poo from her. Just seeing all the medications and laxatives around the house made me feel sickly. There’s no easy answer. A private, delicate conversation is needed if she’s of sound mind. Ask her what you can do to help.

I really don't think you're unreasonable to not be OK with this.
The nakedness is one thing, I'd be a bit like "mother come on, just wrap a towel round yourself!" But it's easy to avoid.

But going into the bathroom and there being shit smeared on the toilet, bath and sink? No. No human would be ok with that. Nor shitty pants hung up on chairs.

I do think you need to talk to her about it. Maybe living alone she's just got a bit blind to it? If there's no dementia in the mix then I don't see why it would cruel to explain that while you completely understand there's accidents and you don't judge that at all, please could she clean up after herself and if there's anything she needs, like a bleaching bucket, then you can sort that for her.

It’s a difficult situation all round for everyone.

Living with cancer is hard work, and it sounds like your mother is trying to make the best of a bad job.

My mother never owned a washing machine and didn’t think it was necessary to scrub, soak and then place soiled clothing in the washing machine, she didn’t get rinsing plates to put in the dishwasher either, but we all do things differently, as I’m sure when your 19year old daughter will in time, do things differently to you.

Its not easy watching anyone succumb to dreadful life changing conditions, it’s even harder watching someone you love go thru it.

Perhaps get a piece of paper and write the irritating things down, I’m sure if she read them, she would try and change her irritating habits, you may find out that she gets pissed off with a couple of your habits too.

I wish you and all your family the very best of luck and hoping that 2023 is kind to you all.