80 year old mother with dirty habits

[Galdownunder]

I am really struggling atm. Have Mum here for Xmas and a few days' holiday. She is 80 and has cancer so bearing that in mind I'm trying not to snap but she has some terrible habits that are really getting me down. When she goes for a shower she will often walk across the hall back and forth to her bedroom from the bathroom naked. My husband and 19 year old daughter are here and don't need to see that. She also has issues with faecal incontinence which she tries to hide/pretend doesn't happen so I'm often finding poo on the shower floor or round the toilet etc. She pooed her pants 3x yesterday and just washes the clothes in the sink (the one where we brush our teeth!) with no soap etc and hangs these half cleaned garments on our back verandah chairs where we sit to eat meals. I am trying to be kind and understanding but I wish to christ she'd just use the continence pants the palliative nurses have given her. Pretending it isn't happening hasn;'t worked for the past 5 years and she just won't listen. Its getting to the point I don't want her to stay here as I'm nearly vomiting with the poop cleaning etc. AIBU?

And where is your compassion exactly?

Sounds like OP is helping her mother and dealing with a lot already and just doesn't want things to be harder as they are.

Hopefully you never have to find yourself in a situation like this, but maybe consider not commenting idiotic things.

Funny how you're the compassion police while throwing around personal attacks.

It is disgusting. That is purely factual whether you like it or not.

Expecting your kids to just put up with whatever because you are their parent is selfish. Hope this helps!

If it were my mum I'd gently say I've noticed she's struggling then buy her a few different incontinence pads to try plus put a bucket with a lid next to the loo for accident clothes and some sterile solution or offer to wash them.

omfg absolutely not

Absolutely spot on. I’d hazard a guess that the people criticising the OP and being snarky have never had to deal with this sort of situation. It’s bloody difficult.

I'm scared I'm going to out myself as ignorant because I've not any real world experience of dealing with this from a relative.

I do however wear incontinence underwear, at 27, due to birth injuries and a very slow, very uncaring system.

Could she have hidden worries about her own eyesight that mean she doesn't feel confident using liners that she's not opening up about. They're a bit fiddly sometimes and it's honestly why I opted for these rather unsexy disposable incontinence underpants.

I don't blame you for how you feel at all OP. I would be frustrated too, but it doesn't mean you don't love her, it's just not something any one ever really anticipates having to endure. And poo of all things around the house is not nice at all, even though it's accidental.

Second the options for a lidded bucket, treat her underpants like cloth nappies, get some napisan and Milton and soak them for her and do a load every so often. In fact I'd get a couple, one for her room and one for the bathroom(s).

IKEA also do some great, cheap, lightweight bathrobes you could get half a dozen of, and always make sure that there's a clean one hung on the back of the bathroom door so she's not got excuses of forgetting.

The idea of cutting a puppy pad to the shame of a toilet floor mat was an excellent idea from pp too, just for extra security.

If, after all this work, she still doesn't cooperate, considering she's of sound mind, I would have a discussion with the next steps and what you're willing to and not willing to tolerate and the consequences of it as you've made reasonable adjustments to accommodate her in your own home and she's actively choosing not to use them.

I’m at work today my daughter has called there’s poo in the sink the hallway and the shower again. She’s down in the lounge watching movies because she really thinks she’s cleared it up fine and no one will notice. Thanks again for those posters who have given me advice but also some room to just vent. It’s awful to deal with something like this, on top of the knowledge that she’s dying and I can’t fix it. I am hopeful palliative care will have some good ideas and maybe some medication or something because I just know how stubborn she is she’s not going to be told to do anything or change her ways. It just won’t happen unfortunately. This has been happening for years she was told to get a colostomy and she refused. That was a good 10 years go now and it’s just getting worse as she ages I guess. Anyway thanks for the space to talk it out I really do appreciate the advice and support.

Okay, so from a practical point of view you can hopefully manage the incontinence issues discreetly with her. You and your sister are aware she has pads, she’s openly discussed not wanting to use them with your sister.

This opens up quite easily for you into a ‘Mum, can we have a chat? I understand you don’t want to use the incontinence pads but it’s not hygienic for you to be rinsing your knickers in the sink and hanging them over dining furniture.’ Then go from there on a solution. Nothing too embarrassing about excrement around the place to save her some dignity, but making clear that what she is doing has been noticed and can’t continue.

im sorry your Mum is under palliative care and dealing with f. Incontinence, it must be hideous for the poor woman.

why is your DD ringing you at work to tell you about the mess & not just dealing with it?

it's not nice, but it's nothing some good rubber gloves & basic cleaning equipment to hand wont fix.

as others have said, just get a kidded bucket/container for her to put the soils Knick's in, & tell her not to try to wag/dry them. Just think of it as waste processed food.

the 'nakedness'. Surely DH & DD can just stay out of that part of the house when she's showering??

some of the posts on here are obviously posters who have no idea about the aging process or affect if cancer/cancer treatment on one's body. I don't wish it on them, but fgs they need to grow up & fast.

DD told me because I want to know how often it’s happening and I want to be able to discuss it with Mum. She has cleaned it up but I asked her to tell me when it’s happening so I know to chat to the dr etc because I know she’ll deny it when I’m not there and say it was a once off unfortunately so I’ve taken notes the past few days.

Sympathies, it sounds like a horrible situation in every way. The nudity - just warn your family to stay out of the way when they hear her go for a shower. Pick your battles. Buy her a box of depends and say you'd like her to try wearing them. You can love her and support her while also trying to set appropriate boundaries.

It’s incredibly difficult to deal with, my DF had faecal incontinence due to ca prostate surgery but completely refused to discuss it with anyone, GP, district nurse. There was nothing I could do other than grit my teeth.
He was in complete denial to the end sadly.

Good suggestions,@Jimmyneutronsforehead
People forget that there are also far younger people who have to cope with the odd bowel issues, IBS &c.

Your poor mum. Let’s not forget our parents wiped our own arses and toilet trained us.

I'll gently suggest looking at your mum a little differently: An elderly woman with a significant diagnosed health issue and quite possibly undiagnosed dementia. My own mum had 3 major surgeries, life saving and hugely significant; for different conditions - one cancer. She has also been diagnosed with mild to moderate dementia likely exacerbated by one near death episode 18 months ago and currently just had a neuro re-assessment for. Medical conditions and medication can affect our cognitive functioning. Please be kind and patient and mention any behaviour changes to her doctor.

Could you explain that the incontinence pants are like sanitary pads?

I assume she used these in her younger years?

Nowhere in the OP is palliative care mentioned, so stop being so over dramatic.

OP I'm just going to echo what others have said. A calm but frank discussion about how she needs to manage her continence better as it's not acceptable for anyone including her. Try and find some solutions together, pads, wet wipes, a dedicated bin and maybe a small clothes bin too Thad just she uses.

Good luck

Actually the op has spoken about contacting her palliative care team so not over dramatic at all.

'Nowhere in the OP is palliative care mentioned, so stop being so over dramatic.'

Oh, dear @wonkyheadwoes

'the continence pants the palliative nurses have given her'

'I’ll reach out to the palliative care team this week'

'hopeful palliative care will have some good ideas'

You have my sympathy OP. I know this has already been mentioned by are you absolutely sure she is not showing signs of dementia or a slight stroke. My Dad could not manage toileting (and didn't notice) when he had a slight stroke leading to dementia My friends Mum lost her inhibitions and walked about naked (due to a developing brain tumor), Dad similar with dementia. I do not want to be brutal, just practical. I think it is is bit more than being 80.

We were told that my grandmother’s cancer had probably spread to the brain when she began walking about naked as well as regressing back to childhood conversations - talking as though her long- dead parents and siblings were still alive. However, your mum gave a response that suggested she thought it was ok to be naked rather than not know what she was doing, so a discussion with her about what she needs to do with regard to dressing and toileting should be comprehensible to her.
I think other posters have given good, practical suggestions.

Argh I don't know how I missed that! I reread the OP a few times too to check...

Sorry!

Oh OP. You’ve had some horrible responses on here, none of which are deserved and the posters are somewhat hypocritical when they suggest you’re lacking compassion. Bet they’ve never had to deal with adult shit in the wrong places yet. I have so I totally get your frustration and disgust.
it’s dreadful when the child has to have such hard conversations with their own parents but they have to be had. There is nothing pleasant about cleaning up shit from basins or showers when there are solutions. At the very basic level it’s grossly unhygienic and it’s horrible for you having to deal with it.
My own DM has had similar issues then refuses to shower. It is disgusting and no amount of compassion or empathy will change that fact. You have my utmost sympathy. Maybe she’ll hear it better from a nurse than yourself. Good luck and ignore the judgey twats on here. I’ve been around since Mumsnet used to be a kind place, you need a damn thick skin these days.