To not tell me wife about our financial situation

[confusedinlondon]

Long story but my wife and I are in a sorry financial situation. We have nothing left at the end of the month and we want to move to a house for the kids but we won’t be able to afford this due to our spending.
We make ok money but it’s the discretionary spending that is killing. After paying the mortgage and bills (council, energy, phone, internet) we have £1800 per month to spend and we spent it all…. If we have £400 left over one month it will be spent the next

It’s mainly my wife who is doing the spending.
I have spoken to her numerous times and she just won’t engage, she’ll claim everything she spends money on is essential. Any discussion where I suggest we spend less will result in her either crying or becoming engaged.
I just can’t be bother to have the same discussions again and again as she isn’t interested. I am partly minded to just set up separate accounts and just leave a set amount in there for her to spend as she pleases And just try sort out stuff myself.

What is she spending the money on?

What's she spending it on? Have you told her you'll never move if she carries on?

Set up a savings account she can’t touch, and leave her limited spending money.
where does her money go?

Split the extra money in half and sort your own stuff out. Maybe she will follow suit maybe not but at least you are making progress.

So we have a joint account for household bills and transfer a set amount each month for fun money to our sole accounts. We don't dip into the bills account. Although we sat down and did a spreadsheet of all outgoings before deciding how much to save and how much to spend. This is fluid dependent on what expenses are coming up (car insurance/etc). Maybe worth a suggestion.

Have you actually sat down and calculated ALL your outgoings? You didn't mention food, clothes, cars etc in your OP.

If you think the discretionary spending is unnecessary then I think you need to discuss that and agree on how much you need to save to be able to afford to move house.

I would have a joint account for bills and food and separate accounts for your own expenses.

Actually scrap that. I couldn’t live with someone like this!

Do you both earn similar amounts?

If your wife is to blame for this situation, why is your thread title "to not tell my wife about our financial situation"?

You make it sound like she's unaware, which doesn't make sense. Could you clarify?

Food has gone up massively, we used to spend £600 now it's £1000 a month. Doesn't sound like you're going to afford to move anytime soon. Make up some new year resolutions

Try putting her more in control, she may feel lectured at the moment. Start with a positive goal that you both want, i.e moving house. Ask her if she can draw up a budget to see how much you can afford to spend on the new rent/mortgage and then ask her to share the results with you. Ask her to be realistic about how much spending money she feels is comfortable and realistic.

Then set up separate accounts for your individual spending money, regular bills and savings.

No, you can’t avoid talking about this stuff, it’s bit stuff. All adults need to take responsibility for their finances.

I don’t blame you for thinking it’s more hassle than it’s worth given what sounds like her cynical manipulation, so maybe suggest counselling to give you a safe space to have open dialogue and give you both tools to communicate more healthily. It would be a good use of any spare money and cheaper than divorce.

She’s part of a couple and a parent, crying to avoid talking about money is pathetic and, as I said, very manipulative.

Keep trying, get a spreadsheet, separate your finances, don’t let her dictate things by stonewalling you.

Sit down and work out your exact budget. Work out exactly how much is being spent and what it is being spent in. You'll probably find a lot of disposable income is being wasted on things that are not essential. You may well need to open a separate account for spending and just put a set amount in it so that your wife can't spend it frivolously. Let her cry and stamp her feet. If she isn't going to work with you then make your own provisions to rein in her spending by not making so much available. That way she will have to ask for more if she wants it and you'll be able to decide if it is necessary.

Can you approach it in a different way? Say you are struggling with the finances and you need her help, that she might do a better job than you. Ask her to go over them and work out where you all can make savings? Give her a sense that she has power in the situation and can help you all as a family.

Yes, it's a psychological tactic, but I've often found when the person causing the problem is asked how they would deal with the problem, and handed the reins, they feel appreciated and valued and step up to the mark.

When you say "she" spends it, is she the one doing all the food shopping, clothing the kids, buying presents, kids clubs, etc, etc? Because if so, they are your kids, and you are eating the food - you need to separate out what is genuinely frivolous spending, to the money that would need to be spent by you, if it wasn't spent by her.

You haven't mentioned food, clothing, expenses related to the children and so on. What exactly is your wife spending money on that you regard as a waste of money and non essential?

clothes, eating out (not expensive places but eating out or ordering take away at least once a week), going on holidays, cars that she drives once a month. She just sees what other women are doing at her workplace

Transfer some money into savings account each that can't be touched for a year.

Have you spelt it out to her how dire the situation is? I ask because I had a similar experience where hubby tried to not worry me about finances and I thought things weren't as bad. When he finally confessed how bad it was (I was annoyed but his pride meant he didn't want to let us all down) I was able to be aware of where I could cut back and save. I started proactively changing the way I looked at money and even stepped up my work to earn more to contribute.
My advice- dont deal with this alone

Who’s going on the holidays?

How many of you?
Is any of this money spent on fuel, insurance, food? Because, at today prices that can add to a bit.
Yet... you have to sit her down, put it in graphs, or other clear format, come up with a saving plan for a new home, together. That should motivate her.
A separate account for spendable money will keep yoy on track, by the way.

She has more than one car, but only drives once a month or so?

Are the holidays with you and the children, or with her friends? Ditto with the takeaway/eating out?

I am being unfair, it’s joint spending for example for the kids, she has purchased clothes that have remain unworn or have been worn 3 or 4 times before they were given to the charity shops.

Make an appointment with a mortgage broker to talk about increasing your borrowing for moving to a bigger house. When they inevitably report back that you cannot borrow any more money with your current spending habits the penny might drop.

The key is to have a budget and to take essential spending and savings out when you get paid.

Keep a detailed account of all spending each month. The individual totals may surprise you both e.g. coffees, eating out.

Set up a separate joint account for all DD etc. and put a set amount in each month. The monthly amount should include enough to pay annual bills such as insurance.

Set up a STO to go into savings the day after you are paid.

Credit check to understand what debts you have (if any).

Monthly meeting where you both go through expenses, spending etc.

When you speak to her about spending, are you this contemptuous about her? I would not be inclined to engage if I was being accused of getting the family into financial trouble because of what other women in work might have.

You're going to have to actually take some responsibility here. Rather than leave her to sort out everything the children need, for example, you're going to have to do some of it, rather than go on about her doing it all wrong because she's a silly wagon.