To not tell me wife about our financial situation

[confusedinlondon]

Long story but my wife and I are in a sorry financial situation. We have nothing left at the end of the month and we want to move to a house for the kids but we won’t be able to afford this due to our spending.
We make ok money but it’s the discretionary spending that is killing. After paying the mortgage and bills (council, energy, phone, internet) we have £1800 per month to spend and we spent it all…. If we have £400 left over one month it will be spent the next

It’s mainly my wife who is doing the spending.
I have spoken to her numerous times and she just won’t engage, she’ll claim everything she spends money on is essential. Any discussion where I suggest we spend less will result in her either crying or becoming engaged.
I just can’t be bother to have the same discussions again and again as she isn’t interested. I am partly minded to just set up separate accounts and just leave a set amount in there for her to spend as she pleases And just try sort out stuff myself.

I would suggest putting all the spending into categories for 2 or 3 prior months. One month per excel tab. Split it into takeaway, clothing, etc. Then when you sit down with her show her the last months and say this is 3 months spending. Please can you take a look this week and see any areas you think both of user can cut back and we will discuss next week. I have been asked to do thus myself and so i know it works. I woukx have guessed 30 quid on Amazon but i spent over 100 . Lunches at work i felt about 20 a week but with coffees and odd bar of choc it was closer to 40. I was shocked to be honest. She will likely sort this issue out herself. Add a line on the end of the list of savings for house and put zero for the last 3 months. She will get the message. Good luck!

For goodness sake, why are you living with someone that you obviously can't communicate with? You say you want to move to a house, and yet you can't discuss saving money without her manipulating you with tears etc. You need to sit down, decide what you want out of life together, and then work out how you budget to get there. Get out bank statements etc. work out how much money you're spending on bills, rent, etc. Then add up all the other things, like car expenses, petrol, clothes, shoes, kids clubs, birthdays, Christmas, everything that you spend money on. When you have discovered TOGETHER exactly where the money is going, you then need to work out TOGETHER, where you can cut back. If she's only driving her car once a month, but possibly paying finance, plus tax, insurance, fuel, breakdown cover, etc, then you will likely find it would be a lot cheaper for her to rent a car for the day she wants it, or even use a taxi. Burying your heads in the sand is not only likely to end up with you getting into debt, especially if she uses credit cards, but will see you never in a position to buy your own home, or move to a bigger place. If you need help with how to get started, can I suggest you read this by Martin Lewis, the money saving expert?

Put £500 or whatever into savings on payday by direct debit every month, then you’ll all have less available money to spend. Sorted.

I have spoken to her numerous times and she just won’t engage, she’ll claim everything she spends money on is essential. Any discussion where I suggest we spend less will result in her either crying or becoming engaged

There is no point OP writing things out for their partner. They clearly do not wish to engage into conversation about this and are not being rational. It might even be that they know full well that they are recklessly spending but do not want to stop. It sounds like they have a very severe case of keeping up with the Jonses - or colleagues in this instance.

They need to come to the realisation that this spending is not suitable for family life of their own accord. Often to achieve this goal needs third party interference.

She already knows about your financial situation. She just doesn't care.

Does she work or contribute at all? Or just spend?

Why wouldn't you tell her ? She's causing the issue.

This is a really simple sort. Bills account. Spending account. Savings account. Standing orders into each on payday.

OP, you need to have an adult conversation with your wife. Be clear about your aim in wanting to move and the steps that will help the family to achieve that in X years. Tell her that your current financial position is scaring you and ask for her suggestions. Hopefully she will suggest that you both need to save monthly and cut back on unnecessary spending.

A wise friend once told me that before you spend your salary each month, first set aside a fixed amount for saving even if it is only 1%. Can you cover an emergency without going into debt?

It sounds like you have two cars but she only uses hers once a month. Show her how much those trips cost annually vs using a taxi/public transport. (Depreciation, insurance, MOT, road tax, maintenance, fuel). Nothing's going to change unless she agrees with your assessment of the family's financial situation and is on board with making changes. You need to be more assertive too.

I try to use only one credit card because my annual statement shows every transaction and the total amount I've spent for the year. It can be an eye opener and useful in finding where to cut back.

Food 850
Holiday fund 250
Petrol 150
Hair/make-up £120
Clothes her £75
Clothes/shoes dc 60
Swimming 120
Brownies 25
Cubs 25

Comes to about £1725

I'm not seeing anything that extravagant there. I appreciate there will be people on Mnet who feed 5 for a week on £70 and buy their clothes second hand. To be fair, if you want to save out of the available.money once all other expenses are accounted for I think you are pushing it without a straightforward and honest conversation with your wife about what you both want and how it will be achieved.

Are you both working? Full-/time?

I've been useless with money in the past and I find what works for me now is using a Monzo card. I transfer my spending money to the card and it tracks my spending in real time.

Firstly, work out your outgoings and what you need to save a month towards a house and then anything left over transfer to the Monzo.

How many are you feeding for £850 a month?? Thats more than my mortgage, rent, council tax, gas and electric, car tax and food bill for the month! Crikey

It’s really not.
My db’s ex was addicted to spending, if she didn’t have access to money she would get a credit card. At least 3 times db had to take out a loan to pay her debts.
Its like people who eat for comfort, some people just like to spend.

You need to divorce her.

I'm not seeing anything that extravagant there.

really? £195 on one persons clothes hair and make up is a pretty extravagant amount on just one person. What if the other adult spent £195 on themselves too?

Three adults Monday to Friday; four, sometimes six at weekends. We very rarely have a takeaway, I take lunch to work. It includes cat food and all toiletries, and cleaning stuffs. Some beers and gin too.

£195 if a person has a professional job is really not extravagant. I spend on my hair. I can afford it and it's my money. I need to look professional and presentable at work.

Doesn't the DH need clothes or haircuts??

That's hilarious. Beyond extravagant.

Op your wife needs a wake up call 'if you/we continue to spend like this, we will loose our home or become bankrupt' show the figures and if you're actually serious explain that you can't continue and it's destroying your relationship.

I can't imagine wanting to spend that much on myself each month. There are so many things that it could be used for.

Have you got a budge?
maybe write up a realistic budget and set aside a equal amount each for additional personal spending. So personal spending on lunching etc doesn’t come out the main pot, but your own personal spending budget. Can you set up a savings account to and ask to aim to save x amount a month as a buffer.

This would annoy me. You need to do a budget and with the 1800, you could keep half of that in a current account for shopping and fuel and essentials . Then put 500 into an ISA (standing order) then you each have £200 in your own personal separate accounts (standing order) to do whatever you want with. Make an agree ment to only touch the ISA for emergencies or big spends.

Aren't you worried she's getting into debt?

How have you just paid for Christmas?

Devide up the money.

Spilt it into money for clothes, holdidays etc.

Both have weekly spending money but money for everything else gets locked away.
Each Xmas you will have £100s to pull on, every holiday you will have x for it. She will have money to spend.

if you were a woman id tell you to leave so im going to say the same anyway

she wont listen she tried to manipulate yu0 with crying and just carries on spending anyyway

are pp reading proerly she wont discuss her spending she wont do a budget or admit theres a problem

clearly top needs to have an open and honest discussion about your finances and go from there